Auckland man can’t get off Team NZ bandwagon and onto ‘pack of chokers’ bandwagon fast enough

NEWSDESK: Auckland’s Dave Towbarr has switched boats mid-race as it were. Ten days ago, he was clad in red socks and planning several celebratory sick days to drink pre-mixed bourbon and cola.

Today, Towbarr is calling current affairs TV shows to let them know he’s burning the Barkers trackpants he uses for painting.

Towbarr takes his 180 degree tack from ‘Stuff those Yankee Wankers’ to ‘Grant Dalton owes me money for the time I’ve spent watching this shit’ in his stride. “Farkin’ Greg Norman, John Hart, Hershelle Gibbs choking losers,” said Towbarr, while making prolonged strangling sounds and gestures.

Towbarr, whose previous yachting interest was limited to using the local sailing club carpark for burnouts, admitted he became a stanch Team New Zealand supporter around match day six, fueled by a mix of unhinged  nationalism (“Give ’em a taste of farkin’ Kiwi boys, other nation’s marine industries can lick my balls!”), misguided anti-Americanism (“Russell Coutts sure will walk funny with that boat up his arse!”) and taxpayer entitlement (“I paid for that bloody boat!”).

Now that Oracle have leveled the series at 8-8, Towbarr is expressing his rage and shattered sense of entitlement through as many channels as possible, including talkback radio, rude notes on the local supermarket community noticeboard and to his 34 Facebook friends.

Towbarr’s flatmates said this behavior pattern was not unusual. “We’ll see if this is a ’99 All Blacks’ or ‘Home and Away moving channel’ scenario. Best outcome is that we actually win the thing. If Dave has to go from supporting the team to bagging them to eating his words, he’ll probably sulk in the garage for weeks.”

Author: Richard Irvine

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