Links on Friday (On Thursday)

A Zombie fighting a Shark – You know team, I hadn’t used the ol’ Zombie tag for a while, and then I stumbled on this clip. Whoah. I might stop looking at the internets now, nothing’s going to top this. NOTHING. NSFW if your work isn’t into sub-aquatic re-animated corpses hungry for shark flesh and that
Classy Tierry Henry goal – Henry plays for Arsenal and is a git. I don’t like him but this goal… it’s OK. I ‘spose
Another very nice goal – by Totti, he of the amusing name
Passive aggressive notes blog – I love it, although not as good as a shark fighting the undead, obviously
Cyclocross gone wildcyclocross looks like fun, and a cyclocross bike (a kind of road / MTB cross) looks like it’d be ideal for commuting
Boogie Nights meets Star Wars – genius

Not Sport: SRNZ Top 5 New Zealand albums

This month is NZ Music Month – here’s my top five local albums for what it’s worth.

5. Bailter Space – Robot World. All I had to do when I was at Uni was stand in one spot (well, a few, technically) while all sorts of marvelous bands played at the Student Union and the Hilly for not a lot of dosh. All I had to do was wear band T-shirts and Doc Martins. And sometimes a cardigan. Bailter Space were farkin cool, though – no band I ever saw was louder. You could have sworn there were more than three of them.

4. 3D’s – Swathy Songs for Swabs / Fish Tails. The 3D’s are another big live fav. These two EPs win over their albums for me, just ‘cos they’re pretty raw and reminded me of the live shows. Nothing makes any sense on these EPs. In a good way.

3. Phoenix Foundation – Pegasus. My number one NZ band that’s still going. Pegasus is a local Pet Sounds I reckon, there’s a lot of heart to these songs, and they sound like they’re having loads of fun, which I love. I really get into the first PF album and Luke Buda and Sam Scott’s solo albums too.

2. Straightjacket Fits – Melt. We had a party in the last year of Uni, and some dickhead stole my Stone Roses, Crooked Rain, and Melt LPs. The others I’ve replaced but NO-ONE’s got Melt on vinyl these days. Not when it’s one of the most epic, grand and huge albums ever. I still want revenge.

1. Bressa Creeting Cake – Bressa Creeting Cake. A FUCK of an album. An Early Microscope, Rocky Mountain, Palm Singing are all brilliant tunes, but there’s not a trace of filler here – this is one of the most dense albums I’ve ever heard. There’s a lot of Goldenhorse’s sweetness here combined with the most thoughtfully random lyrics around. Highly, highly recommended.

Dunedin’s stadium debate resolved with formation of ‘Tagotown

SRNZPA: She’s a hard road finding the perfect city, but the people of ‘Tagotown agree they’ve come pretty close. New Zealand’s newest city has risen from the ashes of the intense debate between the region’s rugby folk and the usual gang of lefty whinging soft cocks. The pro-stadium faction took matters into their own hands and erected a wall between the former Dunedin and their new home, ‘Tagotown. The wall runs from east to west through the the Octogon, and is comprised of worn out tackle bags and couches, many of which have been set on fire.

Wall foreman Steve Hotten laid out some of the city’s founding principles in an oration to the ‘Tagotown people upon the wall’s completion. “It’s pretty farkin simple. Number one – we’re building a stadium. Number two – we support Otago. There’s no number three. If you wanna wear bone carvings, go to Dunedin.”

‘Tagotown has rapidly become a fully formed community with it’s own culture and traditions. It’s a throwback to a quieter, simpler time, where cheerful, brutal mob justice rules. Entry to the city limits is obtained by answering questions on the mid 90’s Otago sides’ most glorious failures, and torpedoing a Speights can in under 4.6 seconds. Drinking and driving is legal here, and whale is back on the menu at local eateries. Every Friday at lunchtime a student from Auckland is pelted with fruit and eggs while being driven down Dave Latta Drive in stocks, to peals of laughter of local townsfolk.

Lord Mayor Laurie Mains praised the special spirit that’s created ‘Tagotown. “It’s extremely heartening to see this kind of initiative from the people of the South – it makes me bloody proud to be a southern man.” He said, adding “We were poisoned the night before the ’95 final, and it wasn’t my fault that we lost”.

The editor of the Otago Daily Times said the paper would be largely unaffected by the change.

All Blacks told SEATZ ARE NOT FOR FEET!!!!!!, are pissed off

SRNZPA: Being World Cup favorites doesn’t get you out of doing dishes. That’s All Black manager Darren Shand’s message to the class of 2007. “These guys reckon magic fairies come in here and clean up” explains Shand. “People say this is a special team, but they’re not special at cleaning up, I tell ya. Sometimes I want to pick the wet towels off the floor and throw them in the bin. They’d soon learn then.”

Players arrived at camp to find notices reminding them to wash their own dishes, and keep noise to a minimum near Steve Hansen’s room after 8.30pm, amongst others. “WINNING All Blacks are TIDY All Blacks!!!!” and “SEATZ ARE NOT FOR FEET!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” are typical examples. “It’s just an informal way to remind everyone of their duties. I’m not the big boss around here, though, so I chucked in some fun themes and clip art.” said Shand.

Two examples of Shand’s notices. Click to enlarge.

“It’s really vexing” said player spokesman Anton Oliver. “It’s like he’s trying to establish a totalitarian autocracy around here. His spelling and punctuation are pretty fucked, and that capitalisation…”. Aaron Mauger was equally unimpressed. “They’re just so fucking preachy, it’s ‘do this’, ‘do that’ and ‘everyone’s gunna burst into tears if you don’t clean up’. It’s like having your Mum at camp. At least Mum would bring some baking. MAYBE I could handle this from someone like Colin Meads, but from Benchy… it’s not on.”

This early player irritation contrasts with 2006, when Shand didn’t start pissing players off until midway through the Tri Nations.

Links on Friday

James Hunt post race interview – what a legend. I enjoyed F1 when I was living in Britain, as (like me mate says) you could watch it on a Sunday afternoon after coming home from the pub. I’d probably make the effort to catch the races if more drivers were like this bloke. And it wasn’t really boring and that.
Six FA Cup finals to remember – Good to see Spurs in this list twice. We used to win it all the time, you know!
Sportsfreak’s Joe Karem article – useful and interesting article about ex-All Black and David Bain saviour, for when you’re sick of all the tasteless jokes (!)
Spare Room links to the Worst B Movie moment ever – clarse, some audio is NSFW
An HR manager responds to the alleged infractions – what a whacky workplace!
Banksy, ‘street artist’ – I’m dying to know who this guy is

Roman Abramovich – season roundup

We asked Chelsea FC chairman Roman Abramovich for some of his highlights of the Premiership season 2006/7.

Game of the season
Dawn. Another day on this cursed earth. Another day closer to revenge.

Player of the season
My legions in the sewers, hold your positions. I know it’s damp and smelly, but fear not, this Christmas you’ll each be blessed with a box of matches. And an egg. And a Chelsea FC cup holder.

Funniest moment
Do not cross me. Be warned that my vengeance is fast and brutal – when our time comes you’ll see the terrible fate of the weak and of the Belgian. That’s right.

Unsung hero
I sit in the directors box grinning with apparently no clue whatsoever about what’s happening around me – it’s all a cunning ruse to thrown THEM off our trail. Yes, that’s it. A ruse. I am dreaming of my ultimate power.

Surprise package
Stay on your guard. When Armageddon hour is at hand, I’ll send an entire squadron of my winged serpent scouts with the signal. Soon all the world will fear the name Roman Abramovich. Those still alive, that is.

Workmates say sub-phenomenal Crusaders supporter to blame for semi final defeat

SRNZPA: Inventory manager Nick Ungar, 38, is largely to blame for the Crusaders’ exit from the Super 14 at the semi final stage according to staff at Christchurch’s Star Paper Ltd. The Crusaders have long counted on their phenomenal fans, and Ungar’s less than wholehearted support is being seen in a decisive factor in the loss to the Bulls in Pretoria.

Star’s accounts receivable supervisor Dave Goodman held an inpromtu post mortem around the photocopier and concluded Ungar’s lack of commitment has cost the franchise a record seventh title. “What’s the first thing Richie or Robbie says when they win? Yip, ‘I’d like to thank the fans’. There’s no way we can win otherwise. No way”. Goodman went on to explain that he wasn’t crying, he just had something in his eye.

Incidents that seemed merely strange at the time are now being viewed as turning points in the season, like Ungar’s Monday morning enquiry of the score between the Crusaders and the Bulls in the round robin. He also asked “Who’s Chris Jack ?” when the legendary lock’s knee injury was featured on pages 1, 2, 3, 9, and 23 of the Christchurch Press.

“I knew he wasn’t right at on ‘Wear your jersey to work. A Crusaders jersey.’ day” said social club organiser Gareth Buck. “He came in some kind of Squash club tracksuit top – it was red and black alright, but the sleeves were green. I had him on about it and he kind of went ‘oh, really?’ and kept on checking his email. I’m not surprised we lost. Not fucking surprised at all”.

The final straw came when Ungar failed to join a team outing to Jade Stadium for the Chiefs match, instead preferring to celebrate his fifth wedding anniversary by taking his wife to dinner. That decision was to cost the Crusaders the advantage of a home semi final and ultimately the title. “What a girl” said Goodman, adding “If he doesn’t get on board at World Cup time and we lose, he’s dead meat”.

The Crusaders organisation have made it clear they take a dim view. “Other teams shit themselves when they play us as they know the whole Canterbury public are behind the boys. The WHOLE public, not just those that can be bothered” said a Crusaders spokesman. “If Ungar doesn’t wake the fuck up we’ll be forced to review Star Paper Ltd’s supply of posters, mini-rugby balls and inflatable swords”. Former players Justin Marshall and Andrew Merthens released a joint statement warning the franchise’s catchment area that behaviour like Ungar’s is directly responsible for senior players seeking playing opportunites overseas.

Links on Friday

Good luck to the Blues and Crusaders in SA – it’s tough in the Republic, so I’ve pasted a ‘cartoon’ I did a coupla years ago below, enjoy…
White men can’t jump – har, he looks like Wil E. Cyote jumping off a cliff the way his little legs keep going
A pretty sweet goal – don’t see too many of these
Full Metal Jacket for the Wii – Kubrick moves into the video game market
The Host – this Korean horror looks pretty sweet, it’s out now, as recommended by Fabian Fanboy

Hawera man planning to watch Super 14 Semis despite late kick off, chopping piss

SRNZPA: Harewa resident Mark ‘Gates’ Gately is cautiously optimistic of staying awake to watch television coverage of this weekend’s Super 14 Semi Finals from South Africa. With the Blues and Sharks kicking off at 1am NZ standard time followed by The Bulls versus the Crusaders at 3.30am, Gately sees remaining conscious for both matches as a realistic goal, despite getting right off his chops. “This is where the years of experience start to pay off”.

Gately, who lives alone, admits to mistakes in the past. “I thought I did everything right for the World Cup Final in 95 – came home early, TV on, I’d just sat down and cracked open a Tui… next thing it’s 6 o’ bloody clock in the morning. Those two steak and cheese from the servo did me in – schoolboy error, that.”

Golden oldies team mate Dave McFee clearly believes “Soft bollock” Gately will fall asleep. “If he makes it through both semis, I’ll go to prize giving in farkin’ make-up. He’s piss weak, that’s his problem”. McFee feels he’s identified some fatal flaws in the plan despite Gately’s optimism. “He’ll have a few pints, couple of pies, lights out. Same old story – he’s got no show.”

Gately feels meticulous preparation is crucial to enjoying rugby when totally shitfaced. “I’ve got the lounge all kitted out. After Dawn moved out I moved the ‘fridge and microwave into the lounge – I’ve heaps of coke, coffee and baked beans ready to go. And Bourbon. As long as I leave the club rooms across the field and avoid the service station and the pies, I’ll be right”.

Any rugby watched after 8.30pm will be a reversal of recent form, following his protracted snoring through Chiefs v Crusaders, the second half of Hurricanes v NSW, almost all of the Cricket World Cup and his nephew Daryl’s 21st birthday celebrations.

Utter devastation, woe for New Zealand Rugby as Dan Carter heads overseas

The very future of our national game plunged deep into the shit when it was revealed star first five Dan Carter is heading overseas. He joins the legions of players, including current All Blacks Chris Jack, Aaron Mauger and Byron Kelleher who are heading overseas, to take up the barely comprehensibly massive packages on offer to top players in this day and age. Rugby insiders say scouts from big spending clubs in England and France spend most of their time licking their lips at the prospect of getting their filthy hands on the All Blacks, often while drinking wine or warm beer.

New Zealand, a small green country at the end of the earth with only four million people whose spirit was forged from this rugged land with number eight wire ingenuity, cannot hope to retain their Weet-Bix raised top players on the puny Kiwi dollar. Carter’s news should see every single New Zealander, including Kiwis living offshore and those too young to fully understand, unable to sleep tonight.

Carter confirmed yesterday he was heading overseas: “Yeah, I’m going to South Africa for the Super 14 Semi and maybe the Final. I’ll be back there for the Tri Nations, and Aussie too. Then there’s the World Cup of course, which is in France. I may get one of those cheap deals to Fiji at the end of the year, we’ll see how it goes”.