Watch a man die inside

Dean Barker has been through a fair bit – you’d have to have a heart harder than an Easter Island statue to wish him anything but the best in the next Auld Mug.

However, producing Engaging Content is a harsh business and so the multiple America’s Cup runner up and man on the other end of the greatest fecking comeback ever was forced to read out ‘There is no second’ for the sake of 57 retweets in a ghastly promo clip: is probably being over-protective of a fine sailor who’s handled himself with more dignity than the legions of armchair experts who’ve lined up to stick the oar in over the years – but that’s a hollow, hollow look.

He’s Dan Carter on the All Black bench against France in 2007. He’s Steve Smith getting a bad decision.  He’s Ronaldo when a team mate slightly over hits a cross. He’s Andy Murray when room service doesn’t put the HP sauce on the fucking side of the fucking plate.

Let’s hope the America’s Cup digi team gets to ‘capture’ more actual sailing content very soon rather than this kind of carry on. If an event with such a great history was a little more aware of its own history, it would be all more palatable and enjoyable for it.

Auckland man can’t get off Team NZ bandwagon and onto ‘pack of chokers’ bandwagon fast enough

NEWSDESK: Auckland’s Dave Towbarr has switched boats mid-race as it were. Ten days ago, he was clad in red socks and planning several celebratory sick days to drink pre-mixed bourbon and cola.

Today, Towbarr is calling current affairs TV shows to let them know he’s burning the Barkers trackpants he uses for painting.

Towbarr takes his 180 degree tack from ‘Stuff those Yankee Wankers’ to ‘Grant Dalton owes me money for the time I’ve spent watching this shit’ in his stride. “Farkin’ Greg Norman, John Hart, Hershelle Gibbs choking losers,” said Towbarr, while making prolonged strangling sounds and gestures.

Towbarr, whose previous yachting interest was limited to using the local sailing club carpark for burnouts, admitted he became a stanch Team New Zealand supporter around match day six, fueled by a mix of unhinged  nationalism (“Give ’em a taste of farkin’ Kiwi boys, other nation’s marine industries can lick my balls!”), misguided anti-Americanism (“Russell Coutts sure will walk funny with that boat up his arse!”) and taxpayer entitlement (“I paid for that bloody boat!”).

Now that Oracle have leveled the series at 8-8, Towbarr is expressing his rage and shattered sense of entitlement through as many channels as possible, including talkback radio, rude notes on the local supermarket community noticeboard and to his 34 Facebook friends.

Towbarr’s flatmates said this behavior pattern was not unusual. “We’ll see if this is a ’99 All Blacks’ or ‘Home and Away moving channel’ scenario. Best outcome is that we actually win the thing. If Dave has to go from supporting the team to bagging them to eating his words, he’ll probably sulk in the garage for weeks.”