Unexpected answers in Olympic interviews

How do you feel?
Well, one of my nuts popped out at the 500 metre mark – I had to do the last K and a half with lefty chaffing the seat. The skin in that area’s pretty raw and I’m fairly sure it’s sunburnt, too. I’m in a great deal of pain and I can’t walk in a straight line. I’ll probably vomit if I see another oar.

Hey! You’re in Bejing! It must feel great to be here!
14 million people live in this city. That’s 7 million women. Seven. Million. Plus, you can get Tiger Balm at every single dairy.

You did a personal best, but still missed out on the final! Isn’t that gutting?
Not as gutted as I was when some ass-clown finished the peanut butter at breakfast. COME ON!  Just a bit of common fucking decency is all it takes. I’m looking at those Equestrian assholes. It’ll be tally-fuckin’-ho if I catch them. I mean it.

It must be a great honor to be out here representing New Zealand?
I’m South African.

Have you got anything to say to the family back home? I’m sure they’re watching.
I just wanna say to my partner Sarah, I love you. Mmmmm-mmmm. But baby, I’m a man. A man needs to relax sometimes, living in that village, with all those… athletes. I’m just saying. Nothing to worry about. Just think of my gold medal dreams. Our gold medal dreams.

Author: Richard Irvine

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