NEWSDESK: Annoying every man, woman and child on the planet was all the motivation Ricky Ponting’s players needed to complete their 36 run win over Pakistan in Sydney. “I told the boys we’ve got a great chance of pissing off everyone in the world if we got those wickets, a great chance,’ said Ponting. “I bet there’s a whole lot of blokes in Laos really fucked off with us right now – we’ll all be laughing about that in the bar tonight!”
Offspinner Nathan Hauritz, who pissed off Johannesburg, large parts of Ethiopia and the Maldives with his five wicket bag in Pakistan’s final innings was unrepentant. “Everyone likes to see us lose, but that’s tough. I used the tear stained faces of Cricket mad kids in India to help get us home. Damn, it feels good.”
“Those ‘blogging from their parents’ basement’ fucks on the internet helped me get a ton,” said Michael Hussey, who was voted “Number One Most Unpopular And Dastardly Man” in a Columbian website poll on Wednesday night. Hussey added he was thinking of changing his ‘Mr Cricket’ nickname to ‘Mr Suck My Balls’.
Several of the world’s leaders registered their disapproval on behalf of their nations: “Nothing unites the world like seeing Australia lose at Cricket,” said French Premier Nicolas Sarkozy, who watched the last few overs. “I hate seeing those smarmy fucks jumping around when they win. Carla is inconsolable.” Sarkozy confirmed he would instruct Parisian waiters to be ruder than usual to any Australian tourists this weekend.
ICC Chief Executive Haroon Lorgat said he deeply regretted the Australian win; “Here we are trying to grow our game and those frickin Australians go and annoy the piss out of everyone. I was on the phone to the IOC panel and most of Belgium this morning to make amends.”
While global annoyance levels for this match weren’t at the all time highs of The Great Plague or England’s Adelaide collapse, Lorgat warned that we were due for a big one. “Just imagine if this was New Zealand with a test or even series win in their grasp, before being cruelly pegged back by those Baggy Green douchebags. Actually, having thought about it, we’re all pretty much fucked.”
