Great Team Talks of Our Time

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John Hart, World Cup Semi Final France v All Blacks 1999

Harty: OK fellas, it’s business time. Time to focus. Honestly? I look at you blokes, and I reckon it’s going to be a bloody walkover. Relax. Express yourselves. Hey, I know we only just beat Scotland, but remember, the whole world thinks we’ve got secret moves yet to be unleashed. And as soon as this match is over, believe you me, I’m going to think of some. I’m not here to farkin muck around.

Taine: Can I just say….

Harty: Hey, Taine, remember what we discussed about you talking and that? OK. Now. We all had a farkin great time on that beach in France. I think those games of force back and the new haircuts are gunna be farkin priceless. We bonded, you know. I’m going to treasure those times, shit, I might even put ’em in the book. Now, let’s hear from Fitzy…

*embarrassed Silence*

Harty: Fitzy?

*Silence, broken by Jeff Wilson taking a shot from his asthma inhaler*

Harty: Fitzy? Oh fark, yeah. Anyway, I made a business plan for today’s match – it’s real simple, see if you can follow this:

So yeah, number two needs a bit of work, but fark it, it’s only the farkin semi. I think the brand is strong enough to make it through this one. Speaking of which, now Kevin Roberts is going to say a few words. KR?

KR: Hey, WOW! I love you All Blacks guys. Gee WHIZ, you guys are farkin awesome!

Harty: Get on with it.

KR: OK, OK, OK. I LOVE you guys. Anyway, at this stage of the comp, it’s all about the BRAND.

Harty: Yeah, the brand.

KR: If you’re getting the crap kicked out of you by a 110kg French Prop, then go with it. You just gotta make sure the Adidas logo is facing the cameras.

Harty: That’s right.

KR: And you know what, I even made it so today’s Man Of The Match gets their face on a JET! How do you like that, mates, your farkin face on a farkin Jet.

*Impressed murmurs from the All Blacks*

Harty: Abso-farkin-lutely, let’s get out there and CREATE SOME VALUE, alright? Let’s go!

*All Blacks rumble off down the tunnel*

Harty, alone in the dressing room: Fools. Little do they realise this is but the final stage of my evil plan to fark New Zealand rugby forever. I cleverly won that series in South Africa to put them off the scent but my finest hour is at hand! And it’s all thanks to ME, JOHN HART! Mmmmmwhah hah hah hah hah!

Josh Kronfield: I forgot my scrum hat… hey what’s going on? What’s all this evil, maniacal laughter about?

Harty: Um, nothing. ***Look into my eyes***everything’s fine***relax***everything’s fine***just relaaaaaax. See you at half time.