Q: What the fuck? What the fucking fuck?
A: We went out to England, who’d already qualified for the next round, minus their best player, who went home to help his wife have a baby.
Q: Their best player went home to have a baby? Can’t they ALL have babies? We’d win then, eh?
A: Getting every England players’ WAG pregnant and due to give birth around the time of our second round encounter would have proved morally and logistically challenging. And then where does it end? Do we get all the Aussies’ WAGs pregnant too? And what about Lara Bingle? What if we’d got her pregnant just before she split from Michael Clarke? She seems pretty unstable now, judging from the headlines of womans’ magazines sportreview.net.nz can’t help but glance at while walking to the bus. Imagine her as a solo mum, pushing a pram around a mall all jacked up on hormones. Things would get even freakier than they are now.
Q: But jesus fuck, you told us we were the dark horses! We were the dark horses, right?
A: Well, yeah, one of the pre-reqs of being a dark horse is playing well and that.
Q: But we’ve got a top order capable of pummelling attacks like Tong Grieg pummels the English language!
A: Blame cow corner.
The Black Caps batsmen’s obsession with cow corner, and weird refusal to pay ANY shots on the off side throughout their innings against England would prove to be their undoing, with no less than 43 batsmen serving catches up to square leg like meals on very disappointing wheels. Yes, their shot selection could be questioned. At least they’ve stopped trying to ‘feather’ the straight ones into the stumps for the moment, small mercies and all that.
Q: That Ryan Sidebottom’s really, really, really annoying, isn’t he?
A: Yes, the fact he runs like a page 3 girl is most annoying for me.
Q: Where to from here for NZ?
A: First we play Sri Lanka three times in the USA, in the “Yee-ha!” series, for the “Hoo-boy!” trophy, bought to you by “Riding around in pickups hitting letterboxes with baseball bats and taking a heck of a lickin’ off the old man the next day,” to bring the charms of leather on willow to an un-enthused nation, following football’s excellent example. After that? God only knows. FAQs like this probably aren’t helping, but neither is cow corner.