SRNZPA: It was revealed today that French Rugby coach Bernard Laporte had heated words with Wellington IT helpdesk worker Matt Coppins early on Saturday afternoon. Coppins, a student working part time at the City Life Hotel to support his studies, felt threatened and professionally undermined by Laporte’s tirade. “He was having trouble connecting to the Internet. I came up to his room to help, and he got all worked up and that. He kept smacking his his laptop and going ‘Tres slow! Tres slow!’ I couldn’t get a word in.” said Coppins. “It wasn’t the connection, it was his PC. I asked him if he’d run AdAware or defragged lately, but he didn’t want to know.”
The incident soon got personal, as Laporte lambasted Coppins’ performance. “Même John Connolly est moins retardé que vous!” was just one of the insults that quickly saw the air turn blue. “He had a lot of sand in his vagina alright, going ‘I’ll finish you, tu est sheeet-for-brains kiwi mother-fucker!’ or some shit. He was being a real wanker about it, but that’s cool, bro, he’ll feel bad about it when he wakes up tomorrow, for sure.”
Coppins was keen to downplay the incident, saying it was all part of the job. “People want their PCs to work, sometimes they just take it out on the helpdesk guy.” Upon finishing his shift, Coppins went straight home to stick the knives on before watching the All Blacks cane Laporte’s France side from the couch of his Mount Victoria flat. “It was pretty sweet, the guy’s a total cock rash.” said Coppins.
Coppins’ manager, City Life Hotel IT Helpdesk Supervisor Jon Higgins is backing his man 100%. “Matt might be a lazy student layabout, but he knows his way around a PC alright. Probably because of all the porn he looks at”. Higgins wouldn’t comment specifically on the incident, saying his views would be made clear in a damning report to hotel management.