Australia’s threats to success

Mike Hussey says the Black Caps are one of four threats to Australia’s World Cup winning chances, along with South Africa, Sri Lanka and Pakistan.

I think there are more than four, in fact any number of things could derail the green ‘n’ canary yellow machine – I’ve had a look into the SRNZ crystal ball and made a list:

– John Buchanan’s military style team bonding camp shortly before departure turns ugly when Adam Gilchrist is discovered hung by his ears from the mess hall doorway, in a bizarre ‘Lord Of The Flies’-style pagan ritual
– Brett Lee is bought on tour to share his experience with younger players, but his moping, loud sighing, and mumbling “Didn’t wanna play anyway” and “You guys bowl farkin’ slow” prove a body blow to team morale
– Unpleasant scenes when Hussey refuses to relinquish captaincy duties to Ricky Ponting and has to be physically dragged from the coin toss against Zimbabwe in convulsions
– Press conference descends into brawl when Ricky Ponting lunges at an Aussie journalist asking why the team is so crap and maybe if his name was Steve Waugh they’d be better. The team is banned from talking to the press, adding to atmosphere of paranoia
– New Channel 9 commentator Shane Warne takes room across the street from team hotel. Wild Red Stripe-fuelled all night partying ensues followed by prolonged, loud ‘text messaging’ sessions, making meaningful sleep an impossibility
– Dreadlocked cricketing superstar Andrew Symonds falls in love with West Indian way of life and goes AWOL on the second day of tour. Is found three weeks later dazed and confused and playing bass in local sound system outfit. Symonds is reunited with the squad only to fail a random drug test and is subsequently banned for the remainder of the World Cup. When asked for comment, he cryptically explains “I am the Ganja man”
– Mitchell Johnson