NEWSDESK: Eye gouging, refereeing criticism and boot throwing – you can now add a surreptitious pre-match steamer to the list.
Under-fire Wallabies coach Michael Cheika has been accused of defecating and creating an offensive odour in the All Black dressing room before his team’s 29-9 defeat at Westpac Stadium on Saturday night.
Closed circuit TV confirms the Wallabies coach entered the opposition shed carrying that morning’s Dominion Post sport section under one arm, shortly before the cave painting was discovered.
Head coach Steve Hansen is playing the incident down. “The smell was worse than a dead possum in the boot, but we train for this kind of thing. The boys stuck to their processes and still got the result.
“We like to invite the opposition in for a beer after the match, but a spray and wipe like this certainly crosses a line. When Michael looks back at his decision making around dropping the kids off at the pool he’ll be disappointed.”
The IRB issued a statement expressing its disappointment in the inter-changing room floater, and reminded member countries to obey the usual home and away ablution protocols. The incident was being referred to the newly formed Bodily Function Sub-Committee, whose report is due mid-2019.
The incident is the first trans-Tasman turd since Michael Brial shat in Frank Bunce’s shoe at a 1996 Bledisloe post-match function.
Brendon McCullum’s all-time Test XI. All the great aggressive batsmen are there (except Baz himself). Sir Viv is captain and Tim n Trent are the seamers. An extremely solid line up this one, and I’d expect Kane to slip in at number 3 or 4 in the next few years.
NEWSDESK: In the build up to the Sydney test, All Blacks coach Steve Hansen has his new-look leadership group working on big hits on the opposition coach rather than the tackle bags.
“This group is all about getting better,” said Hansen. “That’s why I’ve challenged the leaders to come up with some sick burns on that shit wombat.”
“It’s a tough room,” said first-year skipper Kieren Read. “I thought my bits about Hooper looking like the son of Phil Waugh and a wheelie bin was pretty brutal, but the boys shredded it. It’s good to get the feedback.”
In the past, Hansen would work on lines in his suite with Richie McCaw and Conrad Smith before practising delivery on Ian Foster, but is confident the new approach will be as effective. Rumours that Aaron Cruden’s benching was related to nicking all his material from a late night Seinfeld episode were unconfirmed.
Road cycling and peacocking go hand in hand, as mainly middle aged white guys want to make it clear to passersby they’ve dropped shitloads of wonga on their rides and lycra – but if you’re a proper Tour de France rider forced to wear a team uniform by The Man, how do you stand out? New York Times investigates.
There are a few layers of disappointment in this week’s Chiefs situation.
It seems likely some of the team are dicks. Going from reports, the disrespect shown would be crap from a first XV, let alone a professional group. There weren’t many Chiefs calling out bad behaviour among themselves, according to reports, etc.
It turns out the organisation isn’t as well-led as we thought. Where were team management when this mad Monday (always a bad idea) was going on? At the very top, CEO Andrew Flexman hasn’t taken a lot of responsibility – it’s fair to wait until after the investigation before handing out final judgement, but where are the messages that intimidating anyone is unacceptable for his team? The nit picking half apologies, wagon circling and complete lack of empathy for the victims are unacceptable to me as a fan.
Now we’re questioning if this team, with our magical coach and lead by fine men like Liam Messam, Hika Elliott and the rest is smoke and mirrors. From the outside, it seemed our team culture was one of the strongest around, and the last few days have me questioning everything.
How does this get put right? It’d be fantastic to see some strong leadership from here on out, genuine contriteness and steps put in place to address what’s transpired with those affected.
Up until Tuesday, the Chiefs were a wonderful and entertaining team I was proud to support and take my entire family along to enjoy. I’d really like to be able to wholeheartedly support my team again please.
Asterix and Obelix taught me wild boars were something you chased for a little while, then magically transformed into a roast. Asterix and Obelix lied.
If you’ve watched Kane’s cover drives and Guppy’s lofted straight drives and thought you could do that, you are wrong. It’s a bit bloody different when you’re out there with an actual bat facing an actual ball, even in sportreview.net.nz’s old-man’s T20 league – real life tends a bit more… agricultural. Pete Langman on the shots we *actually* play.
Hunter took at least another two minutes lining up his putt, then struck it quickly. He missed the putt by about a foot and, charging after it, let out a howl as he winged his putter into the pond. The geese started honking and Hunter ran back to the cart, pulled the 12-gauge from his golf bag and fired over the geese, and they lifted off the pond like a sparkling cloud of gray and white feathers.
The new face of international diplomacy. Euro wrecker Boris Johnson drops his shoulder into the middle of an opponent’s gentleman’s area, while playing football. Best comedy foreign minister since Winston.
Long read – Premier League rivalries unraveled.
Includes Arsenal’s underhand and wholly immoral inclusion in top flight football then and forever more, and ones that spring up then fade, like Liverpool and Chelsea in the late 2000s. Some rivalries you don’t want, like when Spurs depressingly played Wimbledon something like 16 times in a week in 1999, and some are just weird, like our ‘title rivalry with Leicester City in 2016’. Tremendous pics and layout here too.
The semi final was lost in the last five of our innings and the first five of theirs. There’s a fair amount of luck involved in T20 – another day, those full tosses we hit down fielders’ throats would have cleared the rope and Roy would have been caught first over, chipping Anderson to short third man. That didn’t happen and there’s not a lot of time to come back in twenty overs, even if Sodhi’s two wickets teased that a good old fashioned England collapse was just around the corner. They were better on the day – and have done a fair old reinvention job on themselves. Cuss it all.
The painful bit is that going into today’s match it felt like only our second major international trophy was there for the taking but there’s a lot to be proud of – Sodhi and Santner top the wicket taking table, we look supremely organised and Kane Williamson has slipped into the captaincy with aplomb. We probably needed a few more batsmen to be in really good form going into the finals to be fair, but we weren’t far away.
This was a tough tournament to play, with more time spent in airport travel lounges than the nets, and surfaces more reminiscent of early 70s football penalty areas than cricket pitches, but we handled it well, until today. From the couch the team culture looks as strong as ever, and a challenging trip like this will bring the group together.
So are we a proper T20 side now? During the great BLACKCAPS revolution of the last three years, we’ve climbed the rankings in Tests and ODIs, but been nowhere in the shits and giggles format (but then we’d hardly played it lately until this summer). It felt like we SHOULD be better at it – half the team is playing the IPLs etc and we’ve got no shortage of big hitters and crafty bowlers. It looks like we get it at last but now we probably won’t play too much of this format until the six months before the next WT20.
Ah well. It’s kind of the beauty of this tournament that it’s over fast and we can flush the dunny and move on, as a great man once said. Now there’s a long break until August, when we play South Africa there in two Tests and we’ll get to see what a Kane Williamson BLACKCAPS Test team looks like. Can’t wait.