The gravel in your sporting ice cream.
There’s a lot of monkeys on the telly, as any Breakfast TV viewer knows. Turns out they’re pretty good at the Krypton Factor too. If I could just get my hands on a shaved simian to sit here for the day, I’d be set.
Zinc Oxide is everywhere – be careful out there, team
Michael Phelps Returns To His Tank At Sea World
With computer games, I tend to go for Zombies and shotguns and any combination thereof. But if I played World Of Warcraft, I’d probably be this guy.
Here’s my entry in the Dropkicks’ Olympic drinking game contest.
Equipment:
– Piss
– Vessel
– Couch
– TV
– A whole lot of sick days
One consume:
A crazy slo-mo camera angle has you wondering where the camera is
Two consumes:
A crazy slo-mo camera angle makes you suspect LSD flashback
Three consumes:
You have to Wikipedia the rules
Four consumes:
You wind up getting sucked into Wikipedia’s Family Ties, Shoelace Tying and Who Shot First pages and totally miss the race / match
Five consumes:
You retrieve your running shoes from behind the fridge after watching lithe bodies running / cycling / etc and giving your own telly belly a forlorn poke
Six Consumes:
You STILL don’t make it off the couch for the entire two weeks and / or winter
Seven Consumes:
It slowly dawns on you the wall to wall handball / beach volleyball coverage between 8PM and 10PM is about boosting ratings and leveraging gratuitous T ‘n’ A into primetime, not *actual sport*
Eight consumes:
You don’t really care
Twenty four consumes:
Yet another vacuous comment from the TVNZ gang make you absent-mindedly miss Tony Veitch
Just a note – the cartoons on the site are now handily filed in the archive on your left.
The random, the foolhardy, the damning exposes, the quite stupid, my favorite, or the first one ever – they’re all there, plus heaps more, in the archive.
Go nuts.
Stalking fans might be interested in this snap of me with Cambridge’s favorite rowers Caroline and Georgina Evers-Swindell, who made it two Olympic golds in a row (geddit?) on Saturday night. You can click the picture to make it bigger. No, I don’t know which one is which(!).
sportreview.net.nz made its long awaited* debut on the radio today on National Radio’s Mediawatch show, weighing in on TV One’s Olympic commentary efforts.
Here’s the show (links to MP3), I come on at 7’55”.
*this bit’s not actually true.
I love Ireland – it’s great. But not much happens there – enter road bowling.
I always quite fancied being a bike courier, all dreadlocks and sweat and speed and being off my face all day. But these guys – these guys are bike couriers EXTREME. And they’ve only got Scott Baio in the gang.
You suck at Photoshop – there’s a guy like this in every office, team. He’s watching you right now.
Ducks are bastards. Tasty, tasty bastards.
How do you feel?
Well, one of my nuts popped out at the 500 metre mark – I had to do the last K and a half with lefty chaffing the seat. The skin in that area’s pretty raw and I’m fairly sure it’s sunburnt, too. I’m in a great deal of pain and I can’t walk in a straight line. I’ll probably vomit if I see another oar.
Hey! You’re in Bejing! It must feel great to be here!
14 million people live in this city. That’s 7 million women. Seven. Million. Plus, you can get Tiger Balm at every single dairy.
You did a personal best, but still missed out on the final! Isn’t that gutting?
Not as gutted as I was when some ass-clown finished the peanut butter at breakfast. COME ON! Just a bit of common fucking decency is all it takes. I’m looking at those Equestrian assholes. It’ll be tally-fuckin’-ho if I catch them. I mean it.
It must be a great honor to be out here representing New Zealand?
I’m South African.
Have you got anything to say to the family back home? I’m sure they’re watching.
I just wanna say to my partner Sarah, I love you. Mmmmm-mmmm. But baby, I’m a man. A man needs to relax sometimes, living in that village, with all those… athletes. I’m just saying. Nothing to worry about. Just think of my gold medal dreams. Our gold medal dreams.
To: sturulz_ohyeah@hotmail.com
From: pastagirler@klsi.com
Subject: Just got this web-cam and I can’t help stripping
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To: pastagirler@klsi.com
Subject: Re: Just got this web-cam and I can’t help stripping
Got your email. I don’t know how you got my address (did the Reunion boys send it?).
Now I don’t have trouble meeting women. I’ve had my fair share. All Black tours. Shield challenges. Liquor discounters. Rug clearance events. You name it.
These women are definitely single, right? For definite. Not married. Not separated. Not taking time out. Not just got into Levin for a Hen’s weekend. You can guarantee this in writing?
I’ve just read your email again. Fuck it, count me in.
To: sturulz_ohyeah@hotmail.com
From: “Future ” <sctkdryqxafhs@yahoo.com>
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To: “Future ” <sctkdryqxafhs@yahoo.com>
Subject: Re: Find Fast & Easy Loan Program ! Dear , yahoo.com User!!
You guys are good. After Trentham, you could say I’m looking to invest. I might be interested.
Let’s get a few things straight, right from the start. We don’t want any misunderstandings. I’ve been burned before.
First off, it’s only fair to warn you I drive a hard bargain. I’m not looking for a pissing contest. Well, maybe after a couple of scotches. Hahha hahah ahahaaaa.
Second, don’t judge a book by its cover. Only the very wealthy can afford to dress this way. That? That’s just a bit of egg. See? It’s gone.
Third. No lawyers. Fuck ’em with their ‘breaches’ and their ‘gross incompetence’ and ‘exceeded breath alcohol limits’. I don’t like clever dicks. It’s handshakes or I walk.
It’s up to you to get the ball in the line-out now. Make sure the boardroom cabinet’s got the good stuff.
To: sturulz_ohyeah@hotmail.com
From: luvipcidskfmfnxoomeslpksfwajjlkxwanndrsxrovcdjllew@等,商”.com
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To: luvipcidskfmfnxoomeslpksfwajjlkxwanndrsxrovcdjllew@等,商”.com
Subject: Re:
You must be more pissed than me right now!
Seriously, let me know what you want.
SRPA: The Rugby League world was rocked today by 5 seconds of silence from Brisbane Rugby League commentator Dickie “Barracuda” McDagstead. A full 5 seconds’ silence went to air on McDagstead’s watch during the weekend’s Roosters v Broncos match, each second a bombshell to the heart of the proud winter code.
League fans wasted no time lighting up talkback switchboards in disgust. “I had no idea if this encounter was bruising, epic, or just plain huge.” said Broncos fan “Stumpy” Hodges, speaking from the East Brisbane RSL. “I mean, there were things happening, and they weren’t being described in unnecessarily intricate detail. Where was the big call? Where? I’ve never been so scared”.
Retired commentary great Roy “Boomer” Stretchtrouser lamented the modern commentator’s lack of standards, pointing to his 53 year career of uninterrupted incomprehensible drivel. “This Wouldn’t Have Happened in My Day. I Was Being Shelled By Japanese Subs Moored In Sydney Harbor, And Still Shouted ‘Jenkins-Barrington’ 34 Times During A Runaway Intercept Try. These Cowboys Today Have No Idea.”
McDagstead, who may be in breach of his contract with Channel 9, apologised immediately, admitting a dropped sausage roll played a key role in Silencegate. “I Took My Eye Off The Ball” said McDagstead. “Ohhhhhhhhhhh, It’s A Tragedy.”