Category: news

Steve Tew threatens the nation with John Mitchell, Jason Gunn

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NEWSDESK: NZRFU CEO Steve Tew warned today that continued criticism of the All Black coaching panel could see Wayne Smith and Steve Hansen’s roles taken up  by former All Black head coach John Mitchell and grinning twat Jason Gunn.

At a tense press conference, Tew said that assembled press needed to “watch it”, and that he was “this close” to  appointing the indecipherable, unpopular Mitchell to coach the All Black pack, while Dancing With The Stars co-host Gunn would oversee the backline, with Thingee joining as kicking coach in a package deal.

Tew said the NZRFU had considered this approach in the past. “We had a long look at bringing in Earle Kirton and the ZM Morning Crew after 2007, a long look,” said Tew. “We saved you ungrateful fucks two years of post match analysis with Polly and Grant.” A clearly tired and emotional Tew then challenged reporters to “Test me! Go on, test me! Do you WANT Mitch and Jase the Ace?” before being lead hurriedly away by NZRFU communications staff.

All Black coach Laurie Mains was quick to question Gunn’s coaching credentials; “I mean, I enjoy a Milo and Dancing With The Stars as much as the next man (Paul Holmes was very good, wasn’t he?), but I’d question Jason’s experience at the top level. Maybe if he came up through the Heartland comp or spent some time in the Currie Cup, they’d love him over there.”

The move is not without precedent; innovative coach Clive Woodward trialled Barry from Eastenders as defensive coordinator early in his regime and the New South Wales Warratahs have recruited Aussie party teenager Corey Delaney as head coach for next years’ Super 14.

All Black coaches re-appointed until 2037

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NEWSDESK: The NZRFU announced today the re-appointment of the Graham Henry-led coaching regime until 2037. “We’ve often been accused of throwing the baby out with the bathwater when it comes to All Black coaching panels. This time we’re going to have the wee fella living with Mum and Dad until he’s old enough to rifle the liquor cabinet” said NZRFU CEO Steve Tew, before denying he was really, really high.

“I’m very pleased” said Henry, rubbing the leather elbow patches on his blazer, adding “This will give the players, and any of their kids interested in playing Rugby, real certainty”.

The All Black marketing machine has already swung into action, announcing a line of Wayne Smith driving gloves, Steve Hanson TV dinner trays and Ted’s Big Book Of Sudoku. A potential tie in with Werther’s Orignals is in the pipeline.

Radio Sport reported a 83% ratings drop-off around the time of the announcement as the majority of their listenership spontaneously combusted as one. South African media are reporting the re-appointment of Peter De Villliers until 2044 in a flanking manoeuvre.

Chris Rattue selected at Number 8; invited to ‘walk the talk’

NEWSDESK: In an unexpected move, outspoken New Zealand Herald writer Chris Rattue has been selected at Number 8 for the first test against France.

After spitting out his Weet Bix while reading Rattue’s article “Worst All Black side of modern era“, Graham Henry got on the phone. “We see Chris as quality cover for our injury crisis. I’d also love to see the look on that desk jockey’s face when Chabal gets hold of him.”

The journalist, one of the current All Black coaching staff’s harshest critics, learned of his call up while out shopping at a K Road bakery and fried chicken outlet.

“I took the call on the mobile, and thought it was one of the boys having me on – I wound up telling Graham to ‘piss up a rope, fuckstick!’ He saw the funny side after ringing me back.”

At a particularly awkward press conference, Rattue highlighted his Rugby career, consisting mainly of a local First XV wrecking his parents’ house during a party one time. He did share detail of his recent training regime, made up of walking, not driving, the 150m to the video shop.

Tua / Cameron fight moves to nightclub car park

NEWSDESK: Top Kiwi heavyweights David Tua and Shane Cameron will go toe to toe in the car park of Hamilton’s Troppoz night spot in November. Originally scheduled for Waikato Stadium, then Mystery Creek, the 12 round fight now takes place in a roped off section of the 60 car capacity parking facility. “We’ve hosted a number of fights in our car park” said proprietor Greg Baartowel. “Ohaupo 2nd XV versus the cops in ’93 springs to mind.”

New Zealand’s newest boxing venue is pulling out all the stops to give fight fans their money’s worth. Corporate seating will be offered in a row of thoroughly valeted V8s ringside (“Patrons can specify Holden or Ford”), while general admission punters will get great views from temporarily erected trestle tables. ‘Mountain Man’ Shane Cameron will enter the ring from behind the bar, while David Tua and entourage will emerge from the disabled toilets. Baartowel is keen to emphasise the fight will be a family friendly event. “Like the cricket, if any kids want to get in the ring and have a fight between rounds, they can do so” he said.

Warriors launch Roller Coaster Of Emotions, scale back Rugby League

NEWSDESK: Warriors fans can now experience the highs and crushing, crushing lows of League  on the Bunco Piping Solutions Roller Coaster Of Emotions, officially launched at Sunday’s match.

Fans arrived at the stadium to be greeted by drummers, booming music and cheerleaders, before being loaded onto Warriors Wagons and taking a ride into the sporting future. “This ride’s a grassroots amusement park entertainment package that’ll blow New Zealand away” said Marketing Manager Dan ‘3G’ Mann. “Bring the whole family – show your Warriors support by going around and around and around!” The $63.00 ride features:

  • interviews and make up tips with Ropo and Stephen McIvor in the queue
  • a dizzying switchback from Jaws Of Victory to Jaws Of Defeat
  • a trip past a towering Steve Price head replica that chants ‘Pricey’ with moving mechanical jaw and eyes that light up
  • a mind-numbing winter losing streak simulator with driving hail, frostbitten fingers and 125  db Costo voice over
  • ‘The Comeback’, a caged Warriors’ great making an emotional return to Mount Smart. Player refreshes each fortnight
  • Mad Butcher / Meat Cleaver chamber of horrors Halloween special
  • waving big flags

Mann explained:  “We’re competing for people’s entertainment dollars, and the roller coaster means a consistent match day experience like never before. In fairness, we can see it eliminating the need for the Rugby League arm of our business altogether.”

Overseas clubs have already been in touch to swap notes with the Auckland franchise. The Gold Coast Titans have opened talks to play their home games at MovieWorld, and Manchester United are developing the ‘Alex Fergusson Red Face of Rage Roller Ride” behind their Old Trafford base.

Moles’ final day plan: concentration, application and a really big hose

SRNZPA:  Facing with three sessions to bat with six wickets remaining, optimistic Black Caps coach Andy Moles’ strategy is simple: “We’ve got everything we need – the players, the attitude, and a couple of fire trucks. You can’t write us off just yet.”

Should his middle order struggle early and expose the tail, Moles is confident torrents and torrents of water will give the Indians something to think about. “Coming from a hot climate, their bowlers will struggle with a high pressure hose, possibly two, hitting them square in the chest. I’d say the run ups will get rather treacherous, too.”

With pride on the line and Ross Taylor, on 69* overnight, the last recognised batsman, the Indian team will run out this morning with fire crews on standby, watching their every move. “A couple of caterers have given up their spot pitch side for some heavy duty fire appliances. The team can take heart that a simple phone call will put the square under a foot of water in three or four minutes.”

Ponting rested to practice terse press conferences

SRPA: Ricky Ponting revealed he worked on his sandy-speedos press conference technique while rested from captaincy duties. A testing fixture list and a team that’s a bit shit means he’ll spend much of the next 12 months bristling at the media. “Preparation is everything – I could’ve spent the time arranging me tapes in the glove box, but I wanted to put the time in getting narky.”

ACB media training consultant Hugh Brantingham-Eton said “Even a champion like Ricky has to work on their game. I mean, he went out of his way to take offence at the Vettori / Haddin comments like a thoroughbred shitting on their trainer, but we still see areas for improvement.”

Scenario-based training tested Ponting’s self-importance and general fuck-knucklery in a variety of situations, like post match interviews, and walking through airports looking cross. “We worked on slagging groundsmen, whinging about match referees, blaming batting failures on car-parking issues and having a face like a smacked arse.” said Brantingham-Eton. “But we had fun, too, some afternoons we’d throw sausage rolls at journalist-shaped  targets, just to let off steam.”

Ponting is confident the extra training will keep him sharp: “It was back to basics. Sometimes all you need is ‘What the fuck did you just say?’, ‘What the fuck does that mean?’ and ‘I’m Ricky fucking Ponting, who the fuck are you?’, then a walk out. You can over-think this stuff.” said Ponting.

ARC surprised as 1996 Olympic mascot fails to pull crowds

SRPA: The Auckland Regional Council was left red-faced when star attraction Izzy, the 1996 Atlanta Olympic Games mascot, delivered dismal crowd numbers at Mt Smart stadium on Saturday.

The ARC bought Izzy, a computer animated character with the ability to morph into different forms, to Auckland to play an exhibition football match between the ‘MonstaBurga Izzy All Stars’ and the ‘Boobs on Bikes ARC Stars’. The match finished 0-0.

Headcount was estimated at between nine and ten people, pushing out to thirteen if quadrupeds are included.

ARC spokesperson Simon Flashpen said “Sure, you can nitpick that the players outnumbered the crowd, but Izzy’s zany antics really delighted the dozen or so mammals there.” Flashpen denied the match was a shoddy third rate copy of Mr Blobby’s successful Invercargill visit.

UK Rugby fan wrong


Surrey resident Charles Chorltington-Worster resident today confirmed he lacks even basic knowledge of Rugby Union rules, tactics, players, coaches, referee’s calls and global pecking order. A lifelong England Rugby follower, Chorltington-Worster admitted to possessing less Rugby knowledge than a toaster. “I’m a typical Pommy Rugby aficionado, but I know sod all about it. Jolly poor show, what.” said Chortlington-Worster.

Speaking outside his local, The Buckteeth and Jodhpurs, Chortlington-Worster was only too happy to tell reporters his wrongness was total, utter, and retrospective, and the All Blacks were definitely poisoned in 1995, Tana tacked Brian fairly, Richie McCaw only plays to the limits of the laws, and Clive Woodward is crap.

The admission follows sterling work from New Zealand’s Grand Slam touring parties, unofficially recruited by the NZRFU to confront British fans in their places of work, pubs or homes, and point out they’re wrong. “We got briefed on the plane.” said Dave Gooseneck of Taranaki. “They told us ‘get stuck into the Poms and point out they’re wrong.’ Bloody oath I was keen, I was going to do it anyway.”

Gooseneck and his party were proud of their work so far in England and Scotland. “One Scottish wanker tried to tell me Jimmy Cowan wasn’t the best halfback in the world. I had the NZRFU Big Book Of Stats & Arguments out of me day pack in a flash. You should have seen his face.”

NZRFU CEO Steve Tew said the guerrilla campaign was yielding quick wins already. “Without going out and boiling the ocean, we’re seeing some real traction. By 2011, we could see UK coaches, administrators, even referees admitting they’re wrong. Licensing our methodology to other sports would be a big revenue opportunity, I’m sure Australian cricketers could adapt it for appeals, or self-righteous whinging. South Africa may be interested, but there’s a number of freelancers operating in this area there already.”

Manu Samoa come of age with under-strength All Black bloodbath

SRPA: Leaving your best players out for a New Zealand tour used to be just for the likes of England or Wales. After a 101-14 loss, Manu Samoa at last took their place at the big boys’ table. With a forward pack as competitive as Ian Smith versus a Milo and an early night, and a backline with more gaping holes than a Stu Wilson bender recollection, Manu Samoa showed they’ve finally joined the professional era.

With several of the first choice XV unable to tour due to earning shit-loads in Europe commitments, the Samoans fielded a 3rd XV tonight in a thrashing worse than a paralytic arts student taking on Ross Murant.

“To come here and lose by 87 points shows the Samoans are ready.” said NZRFU CEO Steve Tew. “I’d rate it alongside ’07’s 61-10 toweling of France. Maybe even the 55-3 Wales debacle in ’03. We’ll definitely work with them to schedule more hidings in the future.”

Jubilant Manu Samoa Coach Niko Palamo said “Those boys did themselves proud representing Samoa tonight. Whoever they were.” The loss impressed the English press with The Times’ Stephen Jones purring  about the Samoans’ indomitable spirit and the sheer magnitude of glorious, glorious defeat. He also demanded the Samoan’s immediate inclusion in the Six Nations at the expense of Scotland.