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TV magic explained

UK Rugby fan wrong

Surrey resident Charles Chorltington-Worster resident today confirmed he lacks even basic knowledge of Rugby Union rules, tactics, players, coaches, referee’s calls and global pecking order. A lifelong England Rugby follower, Chorltington-Worster admitted to possessing less Rugby knowledge than a toaster. “I’m a typical Pommy Rugby aficionado, but I know sod all about it. Jolly poor show, what.” said Chortlington-Worster.

Speaking outside his local, The Buckteeth and Jodhpurs, Chortlington-Worster was only too happy to tell reporters his wrongness was total, utter, and retrospective, and the All Blacks were definitely poisoned in 1995, Tana tacked Brian fairly, Richie McCaw only plays to the limits of the laws, and Clive Woodward is crap.

The admission follows sterling work from New Zealand’s Grand Slam touring parties, unofficially recruited by the NZRFU to confront British fans in their places of work, pubs or homes, and point out they’re wrong. “We got briefed on the plane.” said Dave Gooseneck of Taranaki. “They told us ‘get stuck into the Poms and point out they’re wrong.’ Bloody oath I was keen, I was going to do it anyway.”

Gooseneck and his party were proud of their work so far in England and Scotland. “One Scottish wanker tried to tell me Jimmy Cowan wasn’t the best halfback in the world. I had the NZRFU Big Book Of Stats & Arguments out of me day pack in a flash. You should have seen his face.”

NZRFU CEO Steve Tew said the guerrilla campaign was yielding quick wins already. “Without going out and boiling the ocean, we’re seeing some real traction. By 2011, we could see UK coaches, administrators, even referees admitting they’re wrong. Licensing our methodology to other sports would be a big revenue opportunity, I’m sure Australian cricketers could adapt it for appeals, or self-righteous whinging. South Africa may be interested, but there’s a number of freelancers operating in this area there already.”

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Keith Quinn, legendary Rugby broadcaster, makes his picks for this weekend’s crunch Super 14 matches as the teams vie for semi final berths.

Force – Brumbies
The first challenge for the day is just getting up. Sleeping in is a real motivation killer, and gets you off on the wrong foot immediately.

Crusaders – Highlanders
Have a shower and get dressed – think to yourself ‘What if a potential interviewer called right now?’ You need to be ready.

Reds – Waratahs
Take a brisk walk to the shop for the paper. The cold air is invigorating and gets the mind active and sharp early. Get a couple of Peanut Slabs as a reward – you deserve it!

Lions – Stormers
Get the kettle on while making first scan of the situations vacant. Circle those that warrant further study.

Cheetahs – Bulls
Any sharp objects need to be locked away – NOW!

Sharks – Chiefs
It’s library Tuesday. Collect your books and check due dates for this week’s returns.

What do you MEAN ‘the jerseys were hard to tell apart’?

I’m Dan Surchzek, Senior VP, Adidas Minority-Ass Sports Division, Pacific rim. Last night, Dan Surechzek slept like a fuckin’ baby. A heavily sedated baby. But this morning… it’s 7.15am and there I am, takin’ a shower after my 14 mile run to the office, and the phone rings (yeah, my fuckin’ iPhone’s waterproof). I take the call – it’s New Zealand on the line, but this ain’t some some hairy-dick hobbit wanting his ring back, no, they’re screamin’ “Dan! We got ourselves a fuckin’ SITUATION!”.”You can’t tell the jerseys apart!” they’re sayin’. “The All Blacks and the only other team in the world with similar colors are playing, and you fucked it up, Dan!” they’re tellin’ me. The thing they don’t realise, right, is that Dan Surchzek NEVER fucks up. Sure, there was that one time in college, but if you wanna join Pi Lamda Kappa, man, those are the risks you take. No-one FORCED the kid to run off that car park roof in blind terror. He chose his own path. He’s gotta look at life in a wheelchair as an opportunity, am I right? It’s up to HIM now.

Anyhoo, as we all know, when the shit hits the fan, El Surchzekio goes straight into solution mode. I get Vantella-May to bring me a triple shot mocha no cream, with some Avocado on toast on the double so I can think, and roll the tape. If New Zealand has got a problem, my 8.30am Racquetball game goes right out the fuckin’ window, lemme tell ya.

Here’s the deal. On one side, we got Richie McCaw and the All Blacks. On the other side, we got some bunch of fuckin’ pussies from Scotland. Hang on… hold the fuckin’ burrito – Surcheckarino’s spotted the problem straightaway – you Kiwis just don’t know how to watch Rugby. Sure, the whole thing’s a mess of grey and black and blue and grey, but you gotta forget about that. Forget it. Listen close. What are the All Blacks wearing? That’s right, a three fuckin’ dimensional garment with bodymapping technology. Made out of ClimaCool. IT! DOESN’T! FUCKIN! MATTER! About the color! And I haven’t even mentioned the Powerweb. Are you guys blind, or what?

And Scotland? Scotland got Canterbury jersys. With piping. And a chest-zone-separate-and-lift-power-strip. And what are those jerseys made of? That’s right, Temex Polycotton. You guys got me out of the shower for this? You’d have to be retarded not to tell the difference. AND a fuckin’ moron. Temex! ClimaCool! Temex! ClimaCool! It’s not so hard, is it? Sheesh.

I am so fuckin’ on. I get New Zealand back on the line, and after a bit of the ol’ Surchzek hairdryer treatment, they’re soon seeing things my way. Lemme tell you guys, we don’t spend an absolute shitload on R+D for some shit for brains with three sheep in his ass to interrupt my shower and tell me they can’t tell a ClimaCool from a fuckin’ Temex. Fuck me. Sideways.

Still, that fire’s out, and I can still make my 9.45am Pilates class. And hey – I mean, this is Rugby right? At least it wasn’t Hockey, or Basketball, then we’d have a REAL fuckin’ situation on our hands. Hasta manana, amigos.