Steve Tew threatens the nation with John Mitchell, Jason Gunn

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NEWSDESK: NZRFU CEO Steve Tew warned today that continued criticism of the All Black coaching panel could see Wayne Smith and Steve Hansen’s roles taken up  by former All Black head coach John Mitchell and grinning twat Jason Gunn.

At a tense press conference, Tew said that assembled press needed to “watch it”, and that he was “this close” to  appointing the indecipherable, unpopular Mitchell to coach the All Black pack, while Dancing With The Stars co-host Gunn would oversee the backline, with Thingee joining as kicking coach in a package deal.

Tew said the NZRFU had considered this approach in the past. “We had a long look at bringing in Earle Kirton and the ZM Morning Crew after 2007, a long look,” said Tew. “We saved you ungrateful fucks two years of post match analysis with Polly and Grant.” A clearly tired and emotional Tew then challenged reporters to “Test me! Go on, test me! Do you WANT Mitch and Jase the Ace?” before being lead hurriedly away by NZRFU communications staff.

All Black coach Laurie Mains was quick to question Gunn’s coaching credentials; “I mean, I enjoy a Milo and Dancing With The Stars as much as the next man (Paul Holmes was very good, wasn’t he?), but I’d question Jason’s experience at the top level. Maybe if he came up through the Heartland comp or spent some time in the Currie Cup, they’d love him over there.”

The move is not without precedent; innovative coach Clive Woodward trialled Barry from Eastenders as defensive coordinator early in his regime and the New South Wales Warratahs have recruited Aussie party teenager Corey Delaney as head coach for next years’ Super 14.

IPL franchise CEO wakes up with hangover, Nathan Bracken

SRPA: Ever woken up racked with dread, wondering what you did last night? Bangalore franchise CEO Charu Sharma can empathise. He woke up this morning with a mind numbing hangover. And Nathan Bracken.

“What have I done?” said Sharma, after a prolonged bout of moaning and finding a cool, damp towel for his forehead. “Last thing I remember was enjoying the canapes and a little wine in reception. Next thing I have this guy in a headband sitting in my hotel room. What a horrible, horrible situation.”

An clearly tired and emotional Sharma bid $325,000 USD in last night’s Indian Premier League player auction, picking up Bracken unopposed while shouting “The headband! I want the headband! Hahahahahahahaaa!” After some strong black coffee Sharma was looking on the bright side this morning. “I guess I can use him. Fielding at cow corner. Shoring up an end. Mowing my lawn. Everyone’s good at something.”

England lose, un-invent cricket. World Cup thrown into chaos

SRNZPA: In a bold move, England un-invented Cricket following their crushing nine wicket defeat at the hands of South Africa. Former ECB Chairman David Morgan told reporters “Our supporters have long faced taunts about England inventing the game, but being crap at it. Well, sod you lot quite frankly, we can ruddy well un-invent it. That is all.” When pressed further while leaving the press conference, a clearly tired and emotional Morgan blurted “You Aussies think you’re so smart – well stick this up your jacksie, Trev.” before being quickly lead away.

Chartered accountant Micheal Vaughan said “Obviously we’ll take full responsibility for ending Cricket forever – that’s life. Batting first after winning the toss wasn’t the best move, but hindsight’s 20/20 isn’t it? We just have to make the best of it.” Yorkshire plumber Andrew Flintoff: “Well the lads are pretty disappointed at how its worked out, but we mustn’t grumble, we’d had a good innings. We’ll always have fond memories of 2005, and that WAS a tremendous piss-up afterwards.”

“I’m absolutely devastated” responded Malcom Speed, unemployed. “One or two results have gone against England, and they’ve made what must have been an extremely tough decision. We’d bought the finest around to the Carribean for a carnival of Cricket, now we’ve just got a bunch of guys in tracksuits buying duty free booze. It’s a nightmare.”

Former Cricketers may not be out of a job if Saatchi & Saatchi Chief Executive Kevin Roberts’ planned breakaway sport “Loveball” gets off the ground. “Oh boy, I am super, super stoked! You guys are gonna love it! I haven’t been this excited since the Gillette Fusion razor! Woooooooo! Yeah! Woooooooo!” enthused Roberts before spontaneously exploding.

The repercussions of this unprecedented move will be felt far and wide, with Lords, Home Of Cricket facing a future as Lords, Home Of Gardening, and Rugby and Netball administrators fearing copycat uninventings before their own world cups later this year. The Channel Nine commentary team are now lobbying Rugby League for a job, with Tony Grieg making a breakaway bid for Polo and Basketball.