news

SRPA: Leaving your best players out for a New Zealand tour used to be just for the likes of England or Wales. After a 101-14 loss, Manu Samoa at last took their place at the big boys’ table. With a forward pack as competitive as Ian Smith versus a Milo and an early night, and a backline with more gaping holes than a Stu Wilson bender recollection, Manu Samoa showed they’ve finally joined the professional era.

With several of the first choice XV unable to tour due to earning shit-loads in Europe commitments, the Samoans fielded a 3rd XV tonight in a thrashing worse than a paralytic arts student taking on Ross Murant.

“To come here and lose by 87 points shows the Samoans are ready.” said NZRFU CEO Steve Tew. “I’d rate it alongside ’07’s 61-10 toweling of France. Maybe even the 55-3 Wales debacle in ‘03. We’ll definitely work with them to schedule more hidings in the future.”

Jubilant Manu Samoa Coach Niko Palamo said “Those boys did themselves proud representing Samoa tonight. Whoever they were.” The loss impressed the English press with The Times’ Stephen Jones purring  about the Samoans’ indomitable spirit and the sheer magnitude of glorious, glorious defeat. He also demanded the Samoan’s immediate inclusion in the Six Nations at the expense of Scotland.

SRPA: The Rugby League world was rocked today by 5 seconds of silence from Brisbane Rugby League commentator Dickie “Barracuda” McDagstead. A full 5 seconds’ silence went to air on McDagstead’s watch during the weekend’s Roosters v Broncos match, each second a bombshell to the heart of the proud winter code.

League fans wasted no time lighting up talkback switchboards in disgust. “I had no idea if this encounter was bruising, epic, or just plain huge.” said Broncos fan “Stumpy” Hodges, speaking from the East Brisbane RSL. “I mean, there were things happening, and they weren’t being described in unnecessarily intricate detail. Where was the big call? Where? I’ve never been so scared”.

Retired commentary great Roy “Boomer” Stretchtrouser lamented the modern commentator’s lack of standards, pointing to his 53 year career of uninterrupted incomprehensible drivel. “This Wouldn’t Have Happened in My Day. I Was Being Shelled By Japanese Subs Moored In Sydney Harbor, And Still Shouted ‘Jenkins-Barrington’ 34 Times During A Runaway Intercept Try. These Cowboys Today Have No Idea.”

McDagstead, who may be in breach of his contract with Channel 9, apologised immediately, admitting a dropped sausage roll played a key role in Silencegate. “I Took My Eye Off The Ball” said McDagstead. “Ohhhhhhhhhhh, It’s A Tragedy.”

SRPA: Disgraced All Black Jimmy Cowan made it clear he was out of his mind with drink at the time of the late night incident that jeopardised his All Black place. “I was fucko, eh. I’m talking 24 Woodys, a White Russian and $15 of chips.”

The incident, full details of which have not been made public, left several members of the public splattered and shaken. Cowan was keen to emphasise that being uttererly wankered was the primary reason for his behavior.  “You know the ad where the guy is drinking all afternoon at the clubrooms, gets in a fight  and comas out in the bathroom? I think it’s for carpet? Anyway, that was me. I was in bits.”

Cowan pointed out that his behavior was not a fitting example for young All Black fans, “unless they were really, really wasted”.

SRPA: Popular commentator Ian Smith pulled no punches after Wednesday’s Grant Elliot run out controversy. “I’m absolutely disgusted at Paul Collingwood’s decision making. To think this guy is captaining England, birthplace of the game… it really makes you wonder. That kind of thing has no place in the international game” said Smith, adding he wouldn’t mind smashing Collingwood’s face in.

When asked about the Kiwi’s chances of taking the series at Lords he commented “Hold your horses. The Black Caps’ lack of sportsmanship after the match was sickening, I almost  vomited kebab all over Mike Atherton, it was that bad. That kind of thing has no place in the international game”.

Being disgusted at both teams over a single incident is new territory for Smith, but one he’s comfortable with. “Look, I’m fucking disgusted on a daily basis. If I can’t be deeply, deeply critical of one team or player, no worries, I’ll be gravely disappointed with everyone, if that’s the way they want it.”Smith was also greatly offended by a lack of eclairs at the afternoon buffet, and his taxi ride home at the conclusion of play.

SRPA: In a bold reverse psychology gambit, John Bracewell has been putting the Black Caps through their batting slump paces this week. “What the hey, we’ve been practising actual batting and that for months, and it’s done us no bloody good at all.” said Bracewell. The second test at Old Trafford saw New Zealand reel from 85/3 to 114 all out. “If the guys get some solid utter humiliation under their belts at training, that will definitely translate to runs in the middle.” said Bracewell, involuntarily punching himself hard in the leg.

Team Psychologist Alexander Cranishake explains the four stages of the battling collapse methodology: “First step is ‘false dawn’, or getting away to a good start - you don’t want to blow out too soon so the crowd can get away and achieve something with the rest of their day. Second stage is the ‘tipping point’, where we lose both openers, and possibly three and four very, very quickly. We’re missing Flem now, so we’re obviously short of experience in this area. Third stage is the ‘domino’, where guys get out to shots Dennis Lillee wouldn’t play in beach cricket. Fourth stage is ’slow death’, with Chris Martin sticking around for fifteen overs for three runs. The team’s also practising microskills like ruefully shaking their heads, slowly walking to the pavilion, airshots of what they ‘meant’ to play, and throwing their box at the parking attendant”.

In a hastily arranged practise match against a Plummywell 2nd XI, the Black Caps failed to carry out the game plan, reaching 438/2 in the first innings. After a stern talking to, the team were all out for 92 in the second. Brendon McCullum chimed in with a useful 2. “The guys displayed some real application out there. They almost got away to a formidable total, but pegged it back nicely to a rout.” said Bracewell. “Woah. Braces must be really, really high.” said captain Daniel Vettori.

In other news, Daniel Flynn was a notable absentee from ‘getting smacked hard in the face with cricket balls’ sessions this week.

SRPA: Former All Black Doug Howlett has admitted his move to Munster has added an edge to his drinking. “At home we’d have a few quiets three, four times per season, max. In Ireland, we’re totally arseholed three times a week. It’s a numbers game.” Howlett is impressed at European player’s dedication to getting troppo. “They’re total pros, mate. It starts with a couple of cans in the carpark before training, and next thing you’re in the nightclub at 2am wearing just your club tie. I had a lot to learn.”

Howlett feels he was singled out for special attention early on, but says it’s developed him as a player. “They were sticking Vodka in my Murphy’s, making me skull for drinking with my left hand, throwing me through windows, you name it. I had the big reputation, being an All Black and jumping on that BMW, but I still had heaps to learn. It’s made me a more rounded drinker, alright.”

Howlett harbours strong views on this country’s player drain. “We’re New Zealanders - we’ve grown up with being chased, held down and forced to do a yardy in the club rooms. That’s what’s made us great, but there’s definitely room for Rugby OEs. Take Dan Carter. Can’t handle his piss. He needs a couple of years of grateful rich businessmen buying him brandy and wine skulls under his belt. He’ll become one of the greats, and he’ll bring that knowledge home.”

Howlett strongly advocates relaxing rules around overseas players. “We’re pros. We can stick away dozens of miniature Johnny Walkers on the flight, get off the plane and play Hawke’s Bay in the NPC. That experience rubs off. Don’t get me wrong, guys in Europe aren’t spewing out the same coach windows and pissing on the same bars every week and getting stale. One week it’s Guiness in Dublin, next it’s Beaujolais bar brawls in France and Glenfiddich in Edinbrugh on Sundays. Its’ all about expanding your horizons.”

Tauranga man releases World Cup report

SRPA: Tauranga resident Ron Harshdial has released his own report on the 2007 All Blacks’ World Cup failure. ‘Why did we lose?, I’ll bloody tell you why’ astonishes in its’ detail, passion, page count and spelling.

Main points include ‘Not enough farmers in the team’, the things Harshdial would do to Wayne Barnes in a ‘dark alley’ scenario, and ‘Soft cocks. Just… soft cocks.’

Andrew Hore emerges favorably from the report, the seal shooting incident being seen as evidence of a will to win, while Harshdial maintains underwear models in the team should be slashed by 100%.

Parore regrets not slapping more team mates

In the aftermath of the IPL’s Harbajan Singh slap incident, former Black Cap Adam Parore admitted today he would love to have slapped several team mates in his international career. He told reporters: “You can DO that? Yeah… yeah…” with a faraway look in his eye.

Parore added that these days, he wouldn’t mind slapping Mike Pero.

SRPA: England’s famous Barmy Army will go up against the Black Chaps, or ‘National Bank presents the Black Chaps in association with Samsung’ at this weekend’s third test. NZ Cricket marketing manager Dave Slickback said “We looked at England’s tremendous support, and decided we can do that too. Just not as well.”

Budding Black Chaps must buy an official ‘Black Chap Pack’ supporters kit, with an inflatable ‘Bend it like Billy’ hand, a song sheet with officially licenced Exponents songs, and Sonny Shaw edition flags, to be waved at pre-determined breaks in play. “The National Bank presents the Black Chaps in association with Samsung will keep the Barmy Army on their toes.” said Slickback. “Their wholehearted spontaneous grassroots support won’t have encountered a total family entertainment package like this before.”

SRPA: Rower Dave Everlast lashed out at the media storm surrounding today’s showdown between triple world champion Mahe Drysdale and double world champion / Olympic gold medalist Rob Waddell on Lake Karapiro today. Everlast finished 25 seconds behind second placed Waddell. “I was prepared to answer a few questions today, but those reporters jostled me getting out of the boat. I could have drowned.” said Everlast. “Those guys don’t get rowing at all”.

Everlast, whose career highlights include finishing behind Drysdale and Waddell on numerous occasions, and giving Drysdale’s truck a jump start one time was not enthused by the prospect of becoming a trivia question in years to come. “Well whoop-de-fuckin’ shit” he said.

SRPA: Ever woken up racked with dread, wondering what you did last night? Bangalore franchise CEO Charu Sharma can empathise. He woke up this morning with a mind numbing hangover. And Nathan Bracken.

“What have I done?” said Sharma, after a prolonged bout of moaning and finding a cool, damp towel for his forehead. “Last thing I remember was enjoying the canapes and a little wine in reception. Next thing I have this guy in a headband sitting in my hotel room. What a horrible, horrible situation.”

An clearly tired and emotional Sharma bid $325,000 USD in last night’s Indian Premier League player auction, picking up Bracken unopposed while shouting “The headband! I want the headband! Hahahahahahahaaa!” After some strong black coffee Sharma was looking on the bright side this morning. “I guess I can use him. Fielding at cow corner. Shoring up an end. Mowing my lawn. Everyone’s good at something.”

SRPA: Rugby fans may grumble about under-strength touring teams being cleaned up by the national side, but Cricket fans can’t get enough of it. New Zealand clinched a series victory against a Ponting and McGrath-less Australia in 2007’s Chappell-Hadlee series, and are now proving too strong for an England side without Vaughan and Flintoff.

“It’s brilliant, isn’t it?” said NZ Cricket supremo Justin Vaughan. “One minute we’re chasing down 346 against Aussie, the next we’re thrashing England by ten wickets. We’re looking to secure South Africa minus Graeme Smith for next year.”

SRPA: The ICC is set to rock the cricket world with a radical new format designed to take on the rebel Twenty20 leagues. The game takes place over five consecutive days, with no limits on bowlers’ overs, and team batting twice, if required. “There may well be scenarios where an individual could bat all day, if he’s good enough.” said ICC Chief executive Malcolm Speed at a press conference. “Imagine that!”

“There may be a few rumblings from the Long Room brigade, but we’re sure they’ll come around.” said ICC Director Of Communications Tim Strong-Ginbender. “Cricket’s a game of tradition - but we can’t be afraid to innovate. Where will the Michael Bevans and Chris Harrises of the future come from? Cricket’s forefathers, visionary men like Kerry Packer, would approve I’m sure.”

The new format was developed by a specially commissioned think tank, fresh from designing the 2007 World Cup format. “We holed up in a Dubai hotel with a whiteboard for three months.” explained Strong-Ginbender. “There was no such thing as a bad idea. Five days? Sure! Two innings? Go with that! Different coloured balls - why not red? Just a tremendous amount of energy and enthusiasm in the room.”

Players’ consultant Inzamam Ul-Haq, who spent the press conference slowly shaking his head and moaning softly, declined to answer any questions not related to the hotel’s buffet, which featured excellent Pain Au Chocolat and unlimited coffee refills before 10.30am.

SRPA: Don Singely of Hawera came out swinging today, outraged by the Wellington Sevens’ crowd behaviour over the weekend. “They’re not REAL sevens fans. Anyone would think they don’t care about Tonga v the USA at all.” By his estimation, Singely shouted “Siddown!” 47 times, “Shut-up!” 23 times, “Watch the game!” 56 times, and “Why don’t you fuck off back to Auckland, you Johnny-fuck-knuckle Village People reject?” a formidable 315 times.

Singely’s highlights of the weekend included the Samoa v Fiji nailbiter; “Magic”, and a man dressed as a parking warden tripping and landing on his face; “Halarious!”. Singely missed New Zealand’s thrilling last minute win having already left Wellington Stadium to beat the traffic.

Hi. I’m Billy Bowden. I’m the guy that made cricket un-boring just by being zany - I do the dancing six signals and the daggy bent finger and that. Remember? There’s nothing I won’t do to put a smile on your dial!

So, last week I was at home watching ‘Bring It On!‘ to suss some new moves when I got a phone call. “Billy, we need you to save the series! Players are at each other’s fucking throats, they’re threatening to go home, and the TV bosses are darker than a nasty dose of Guinness shits! You’ve gotta come save us!” They chose the right guy.

Everyone knows laughter’s the best medicine. My career is testament to that. But this brouhaha is pretty blimmin’ serious, and it’ll take more than ol’ Billy hopping on one leg with a priceless expression on his face to fix it. No, this assignment calls for the big guns. Buckle up Australia, I’m bringing Marc Ellis and Ridgey with me.

I’ve got it all planned out, it’s gunna be brilliant. I’ll be out in the middle cracking everyone up with my patented whacky signals, while the fellas make Mums and Dads at home roll on the floor laughing with funny interviews. They’ll probably take off their clothes. In a funny way. I can just see Ridgey walking out to stick his car keys in the pitch wearing just his Y-fronts. Or something. We should probably get Mike King involved too, he’s probably not busy.

Those Aussies won’t know what hit ‘em. You can’t lodge a formal complaint with the match referee when you’re cracking up laughing, eh! And after it’s all over and I’ve got all the autographs I need, we can have a cold one and a curry and everyone’ll say “thank goodness for Billy saving the day with laughter. Hang on - what’s he doing now? Oh I see. Ha hah hah ha ha. He never stops’”. It’s gunna be sweet.

Bangladesh have picked up many little tips from the Black Caps. “Instead of being bowled by Kyle Mills, I should have hit it for six!” said opener Junaid Siddique. “It’s so obvious.” The Black Caps role model what’s required at this level. “To relieve the tension, the Kiwi play ‘Who farted?’” said Ashraful. “They are true professionals.” New Zealand coach John Bracewell’s effortless media mastery has also impressed. “The way he ducks and weaves like a drunk man walking in mud fascinates me.” said Farhad Reza. “Lke the old saying, ‘Beware the wise snake wearing skin of ass.’”

Bangladesh celebrated with the Black Caps after the Queenstown match, observing first hand how a top class outfit winds down. “I look forward to playing ‘pokies’ and enjoying many drinks set on fire in the future” enthused Shahadat Hossain.

Soddentrouser, who lives alone, has thoroughly hated every second of the Phoenix’s debut season. Game day for him begins by drinking alone at a local Cosmopolitan Club, before arriving three hours early to be first in line for tickets. He reserves particular disdain for the merchandise stands, spluttering “I MADE MY OWN jersies. Made my own. There was no merchandise stand in my day. Shit.” Soddentrouser quietly seethes throughout the match, before leaving at half time to beat the traffic. “I don’t know why I bother, mate. “Where was this Yellow Fever shower in 2001? You wouldn’t catch those guys sitting alone in an empty stand for the afternoon like I did. They’re not real fans.”

The LA Galaxy match was the season’s low point for Soddentrouser. “Half of them couldn’t name a single Phoenix player - I was there when there were no players to name, mate. It’s just not the same anymore.” Soddentrouser announced he’d probably stop following the Phoenix at the end of the year and support the Nelson Backboards, a basketball team that would probably join an expanded Australian basketball league in “2013, maybe 2015.”

“First off, I hope I run into number one Graham Henry fanboy Dan from accounts in the car park, I wanna get stuck into him about the rotation thing” said Hopping. “Then, I’ll make coffee really slowly in the kitchen just to pick the sales team off with a few ‘I told you so’s’. I’ll get straight on the email after that, I can cover a lot of ground fairly quickly that way”.

Hopping has maintained the All Blacks would fail to break the 20 year World Cup hoodoo since 2004. “I was packing myself after the Lions tour, we were looking pretty sharp for a while there. I’m rapt everyone’s dreams are shattered now”.

The water dispenser or the photocopier were both candidates for morning tea from 10.45 to 11.00am. “At the water dispenser, people would have to listen to me for, I’m guessing, about 30 seconds on average. I can’t get that kind of time at the printer, unless there’s a paper jam. That could buy me a good couple of minutes. I’ll just have to make that call on the day”.

‘Heads will roll’, ‘Gutless wonders’, ‘It’s ‘99 all over again’, along with strangled choking noises will form the basis of Hopping’s Monday morning arsenal. “So many people are wrong, and I’m right. Monday’s going to be the best day ever. I hope no-ones away sick, but I ’spose I could clean them up Tuesday or Wednesday”.

Lunchtime would signal the peak of Hopping’s cavalcade of vindication - “I’m going to get a phone card and give Millsy a bell on his mobile, he’ll be just getting off a plane in Paris. Hopefully he hasn’t heard, and I can break it to him myself, that’d be the icing on the cake. Isn’t it great to be alive”?

“I mean, you could say we’ve been number one for three years at least, we’ve thrashed them over here and at home recently, they couldn’t even get it together to beat Argentina in their own back yard, still don’t know who their best team is, and we’re playing them in Wales. That’s all very well, but I’m not going to sit here and say “we’re going to thrash them” said Hansen, while nodding vigorously and mouthing “Yes, yes we are”.

While impossibly blinkered cheer leading with little connection to actual events on the pitch may endear Brampton to ITV audiences, Harris feels it’s a sticking point in forming adult relationships. “He’s impossible. Alan’s got to be the only man in Britain with a framed photo of fucking Clive Woodward beside his bed. That’s just not right, is it? I’m not telling you what he says about Martin Johnson when we make love”.

While Harris has learned to cope with Bramptons’ harping on by tuning right out, social situations are a potential mine field. “You just can’t have a conversation. We had some old university friends of mine over for dinner, my god, it was a disaster. Toby asked Alan what he made of Gordon Brown, and he started going on about a stirring effort from the World Champions that should put the game beyond the grasp of the valiant but limited Italians. I mean, what the ruddy hell is that? Toby and Jemimah just looked at each other like ‘what the…?!?’. I just knew Jemimah got on the phone to our friends as soon as they left to laugh about me. I wanted to die”.

In hindsight, Harris feels the warning signs were there from the very start of the 18 month long relationship. “I met him in a rugby club, the fact his last wife left him just after the World Cup in 2003 should have been a big, big red flag”. Harris maintains the outlook for their relationship is not great “It’s the total lack of touch with reality that gets me. Let’s face it, England are fairly crap, aren’t they?”

Christchruch man struggles to recall what Justin Marshall said in paper.
Early on Sunday morning in the Backout bar, engineering student Daniel McNiven came up short in his attempt to totally blow away fellow student Callum Hedley’s contention that Graham Henry’s rotation policy would pay dividends. “I’d read Marshy in the paper saying that Henry wasn’t letting combinations develop and consequently, when the players are in pressure situations, that could cause crucial mistakes that’ll cost us dearly on on both attack and defence. I can remember now, but when I needed it, all that came out was ‘Combinations… fuck’”. When pressed, McNiven confirmed alcohol may have played a role in his recollection failure.

Alarm bells are ringing in the All Blacks’ camp at the potentially disastrous consequences sudden, unexpected heartbreak could have on the campaign. Despite smelling mainly of garlic, onions and cheap aftershave, French men are renowned for their sensitivity to a woman’s physical and emotional desires, compared with our Kiwi fellas’ grunting emotional unavailability. Tactics at the French gits’ disposal include admiring the starry lights of Paris by night, getting caught in the rain and seeking shelter in a cafe, browsing second hand bookshops wearing a beret, and speaking French, the language of love.

The All Blacks are now playing catch up, learning key romantic French phases like “Ici, ayez une chemise de polo d’Adidas, je l’a obtenue libre” (Here, have an Adidas polo shirt, I got it free), “Là où sont mes chaussettes propres?” (Where are my clean socks?), and “La jeune mariée d’emballement est sur le câble ce soir, bébé” (Runaway Bride is on cable tonight, baby).

In a rearguard action, All Black legend Colin Meads is being rushed to Paris to chaperon the player’s partners, organising a series of bingo and bridge nights to distract them from any skinny, cigarette smoking fuckwits. Meads has promised to deliver any French arseholes sniffing around “a farkin’ backhander right in the Eiffel tower”.

This tactic is not without precedent. In 1986 the French attempted to steal Wayne ‘Buck’ Shelford’s girlfriend after brutally ripping open his nutsack during a test match, for the love of all that’s holy. Luckily, they were intercepted at an after match function and ran off into the night, chased by Shelford (gingerly) and All Black officials.

Extra emergency law 6.09, paragraph 3, which comes into effect immediately, reads: ‘Ball emerging from scrum, line out or ruck must be A. kicked out or B. proceed in an orderly manner from fly half to inside centre, outside centre, then possibly a winger, in that order. The full back must not get involved under any circumstance.’

“Referees will be on the lookout for side steps, wipers kicks, or forwards carrying the ball further than 5 metres” said RWC head referee Paddy O’Brain. “For example, Jerry Collins’ chip ahead against Italy would have earned him ten in the bin, not five points.”

William O’Shanter of the Morning Empire welcomed the IRB’s bold move. “You didn’t see England 2003 fart-arseing about with cut out passes, double arounds or dummy runners, did you? The Twickenham faithful simply won’t stand for bloody colonials running around our chaps. They must enter the fray and let the claret flow. Or something.”

New Zealand Rugby analyst Stu Wilson was quick to wade into the the debate, saying “Well fark. Ireland. The Irish. Big drinkers. Big, big drinkers. Don’t tell me about Dublin pubs. I know, mate. Shiiiiiiiiit. ‘78 grand slam tour. Say no more. What was the question again?”

“Well hello sailor! The big man’s stepped up to the plate and blown one right out of the park! Watch the replay Grant Fox… one nostril… now two… He’s electrified this big crowd with a bit of the old nozzle-razzle-dazzle. You played with some of the great snot-showmen over the years Foxy, in fact we’ve got one sitting to the left now, AJ Whetton…” This was followed by a prolonged period of dead air with barely audible muffled thuds.

“Ohhhhhhhhh, that makes a bit more sense” said Adidas Cylinder Ambassador Peter Harvey-Withers. “That fax DID get a bit smudged, but I never double checked. I got some funny looks going into all those cemeteries with a shovel and saw, let me tell you. What a turn-up, eh?”.

All Black management is concerned partners’ demands for attention and cuddles or reports on that day’s shopping could jeopardise chances of bringing home the World Cup for the first time since 1987. “No man wants to hear about cute shoes or stunning cafe au laits, that’s just brutal” said Hansen.

A member of the touring party, who did not wish to be identified, described the policy as “bloody sweet”, adding “This is better than home - you can make the sweet, sweet love and get back to playing Xbox straight away. I wish it could be the World Cup all year ’round”.

“The new position of a compulsory, non playing referee / banker will add new levels of consistency” explained Millar. The referee will have a range of powers, including harsh fines and deciding who makes the tea. For severe transgressions referees can force players to leave the room for a while and think about what they’ve done. Referees will be supported by neutral observers, who sit in the corner of the lounge and take notes for later review. There will be a blanket ban on owning both utilities and railway stations, which is designed to open up the game and allow it to flow, adding interest for new Monopoly markets. “Families and new players alike will learn to love the ‘depowered’ Community Chest” Millar added.

Critics of the ‘Old Kent Road’ laws, as they’re known, say they’re a thinly veiled tactic to blunt New Zealand Monopoly troupe All Hats’ captain Ronald MacKay’s game. MacKay plays to the very letter of the law, with moves that try the patience of Monopoly’s governing body. “We’re not comfortable with the direction of the game in the southern hemisphere, it’s becoming basketball on a board” said International Monopoly Board head Ralph Stevens. “That’s why we set those pedantic IRB arseholes loose”.

The IRB’s rules consultancy unit is also working with Tennis on a proposed new scoring system of Love / 15 / Touch / Hold / Engage.

Dunning remains confident of making himself understood. “I always have a picture of four beers and a ham sandwich with me anyway, I’ll be fine” said Dunning. He went to explain team mate Lote Tuquiri was probably a garlic munching French wanker with a name like that, so he could do the talking for both of them.

“I just can’t be arsed. Doing any actual work holds about as much appeal as driving to Bluff with Stu Wilson” said Hamilton accounts receivable clerk John ‘Wiggo’ Wigg. “Seriously, how can they expect me to process historic invoices when there’s no settled pairing in the centres? That’s grounds for a PG right there.”

‘Talking about the weekend’s game’ ‘Worrying’ and ‘Fucking around on the Internet’ all polled higher than ‘Work’ in office workers’ daily activities. In extreme cases, workers are taking annual leave for personal reconditioning programmes, consisting of ‘breaking in’ new Plasma TVs and burying fears deep, deep down underneath oceans of cheap draught beer.

The new panel underwent a rigorous selection process. Head coach Dave from Greymouth is a regular contributor to Radio Sport’s midnight to 4AM Ruckin’ Rugged Rugby Graveyard show. “It’s fair to say I don’t sleep much. If at all.” said Dave, who lives alone. Forwards coach Ryan from Manurewa proved his coaching credentials with a 23 minute rambling tirade against Reuben Thorne in the early hours of Monday morning. “When he used the word ‘invisible’ three times in a sentance I knew we’d found our man. Particularly as Reuben wasn’t even playing.” said Henry. Backline specialist Des from Waitara makes the move from coaching the Waitara Possums’ 2nd XV to the All Blacks. “I’ve been banging on about how I’d fix the All Blacks for years”, a claim confirmed by his wife, five sons, the postman, Dipak in the Dairy, and regular patrons of the Waitara Tavern’s public bar.

The new regime has no shortage of coaching theories honed over hours of talkback. Hair product and dreadlocks are out and number 4 buzzcuts are in. The media will be banned from talking to players, with the coaches speaking exclusively to Murray Deaker. Team talks will now be delivered over the phone on a conference call. Ryan from Manurewa outlined the new panel’s collaborative style: “We’re not afraid of getting experts in to help. Like Glen from Huntley - he’s a leaguie, but his ideas on the Warriors being gutless wonders is something we can learn from.”

“We know talkback callers are often labeled blinkered, fickle cretins. Many are. But believe you me, if we don’t bring home the World Cup, I’ll be first to ring Willie Lose and demand my own resignation.” said Des from Waitara. The new panel is upbeat about their chances in France this spring. “If any French git waiter gets clever with me he’ll know all about it” said Dave from Greymouth, who’s heard a beer could cost as much as fifteen bucks, which is daylight bloody robbery, adding he hoped they weren’t holding their breath for a tip at those prices, which were just about as bad as he’s heard they are up in Auckland.

Butterworth admitted years of experience in the America’s Cup pressure cooker counts for little when the boat finishes in second place. “Our tactics only pay off when we cross the line first. It’s plain sailing from there. But if you get into a situation where they’re ahead at the end and get the gun… that makes it very tough indeed for us to record a win. We spend hours and hours on the little things, they can be the difference between winning and losing. Traditionally, finishing order has been a key strength of Alinghi’s but we’ll have to look at it tonight, alright.”

However, the American’s Cup veteran remained stoic, saying “We’ll go back to base, haul the boat out of the water, and look at the tape to see what’s in the way of victory. The bit I’ll focus on where NZL92 crosses the line first, that seems crucial.”

TVNZ commentator Pete Montgomery agreed with Butterworth’s assessment. “Traditionally, In A Dogfight Like This There Can Be Only One Victor That Enjoys The Spoils. For The Folks At Home, Usually That’s The Magnificent Boat That Finishes First” said Montgomery before being lead away for a thorough hose down before race three.

The incident soon got personal, as Laporte lambasted Coppins’ performance. “Même John Connolly est moins retardé que vous!” was just one of the insults that quickly saw the air turn blue. “He had a lot of sand in his vagina alright, going ‘I’ll finish you, tu est sheeet-for-brains kiwi mother-fucker!’ or some shit. He was being a real wanker about it, but that’s cool, bro, he’ll feel bad about it when he wakes up tomorrow, for sure.”

Coppins was keen to downplay the incident, saying it was all part of the job. “People want their PCs to work, sometimes they just take it out on the helpdesk guy.” Upon finishing his shift, Coppins went straight home to stick the knives on before watching the All Blacks cane Laporte’s France side from the couch of his Mount Victoria flat. “It was pretty sweet, the guy’s a total cock rash.” said Coppins.

Coppins’ manager, City Life Hotel IT Helpdesk Supervisor Jon Higgins is backing his man 100%. “Matt might be a lazy student layabout, but he knows his way around a PC alright. Probably because of all the porn he looks at”. Higgins wouldn’t comment specifically on the incident, saying his views would be made clear in a damning report to hotel management.

IRB Marketing manager Seamus Healy said “Our great game prides itself on having a place for men of all shapes and sizes, and that goes for the freaky-looking too. Just look at some of the greats of the game, who’ve represented their countries with distinction such as Vuninbaka, Janie De Beer, and John Eales. At school and club level the freaky-looking have long been embraced, and it’s time the international game got on board.”

The new rules, which are being trialled in South Africa, state teams must include a minimum of one freaky-looking player, one that’s pretty ugly, with a spare freak on the bench that can play hooker or half back. Millar said “Freaky-ness can be defined as having an unusual physique, having a distinctive haircut or running style, or even unusual accessories like gloves or pantyhose. Keith Woods looked a lot like Uncle Fester from The Addams Family, so he could be classed as freaky-looking, for example. We’re totally open on this.”

Rival codes American Football and Equestrian expressed concern about Rugby pillaging their stocks of freaky-looking athletes, but Healy was quick to reassure them that Rugby had “Stacks of freaks of our own. Stacks”.

Wall foreman Steve Hotten laid out some of the city’s founding principles in an oration to the ‘Tagotown people upon the wall’s completion. “It’s pretty farkin simple. Number one - we’re building a stadium. Number two - we support Otago. There’s no number three. If you wanna wear bone carvings, go to Dunedin.”

‘Tagotown has rapidly become a fully formed community with it’s own culture and traditions. It’s a throwback to a quieter, simpler time, where cheerful, brutal mob justice rules. Entry to the city limits is obtained by answering questions on the mid 90’s Otago sides’ most glorious failures, and torpedoing a Speights can in under 4.6 seconds. Drinking and driving is legal here, and whale is back on the menu at local eateries. Every Friday at lunchtime a student from Auckland is pelted with fruit and eggs while being driven down Dave Latta Drive in stocks, to peals of laughter of local townsfolk.

Lord Mayor Laurie Mains praised the special spirit that’s created ‘Tagotown. “It’s extremely heartening to see this kind of initiative from the people of the South - it makes me bloody proud to be a southern man.” He said, adding “We were poisoned the night before the ‘95 final, and it wasn’t my fault that we lost”.

The editor of the Otago Daily Times said the paper would be largely unaffected by the change.

Players arrived at camp to find notices reminding them to wash their own dishes, and keep noise to a minimum near Steve Hansen’s room after 8.30pm, amongst others. “WINNING All Blacks are TIDY All Blacks!!!!” and “SEATZ ARE NOT FOR FEET!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” are typical examples. “It’s just an informal way to remind everyone of their duties. I’m not the big boss around here, though, so I chucked in some fun themes and clip art.” said Shand.

Two examples of Shand’s notices. Click to enlarge.

“It’s really vexing” said player spokesman Anton Oliver. “It’s like he’s trying to establish a totalitarian autocracy around here. His spelling and punctuation are pretty fucked, and that capitalisation…”. Aaron Mauger was equally unimpressed. “They’re just so fucking preachy, it’s ‘do this’, ‘do that’ and ‘everyone’s gunna burst into tears if you don’t clean up’. It’s like having your Mum at camp. At least Mum would bring some baking. MAYBE I could handle this from someone like Colin Meads, but from Benchy… it’s not on.”

This early player irritation contrasts with 2006, when Shand didn’t start pissing players off until midway through the Tri Nations.

Star’s accounts receivable supervisor Dave Goodman held an inpromtu post mortem around the photocopier and concluded Ungar’s lack of commitment has cost the franchise a record seventh title. “What’s the first thing Richie or Robbie says when they win? Yip, ‘I’d like to thank the fans’. There’s no way we can win otherwise. No way”. Goodman went on to explain that he wasn’t crying, he just had something in his eye.

Incidents that seemed merely strange at the time are now being viewed as turning points in the season, like Ungar’s Monday morning enquiry of the score between the Crusaders and the Bulls in the round robin. He also asked “Who’s Chris Jack ?” when the legendary lock’s knee injury was featured on pages 1, 2, 3, 9, and 23 of the Christchurch Press.

“I knew he wasn’t right at on ‘Wear your jersey to work. A Crusaders jersey.’ day” said social club organiser Gareth Buck. “He came in some kind of Squash club tracksuit top - it was red and black alright, but the sleeves were green. I had him on about it and he kind of went ‘oh, really?’ and kept on checking his email. I’m not surprised we lost. Not fucking surprised at all”.

The final straw came when Ungar failed to join a team outing to Jade Stadium for the Chiefs match, instead preferring to celebrate his fifth wedding anniversary by taking his wife to dinner. That decision was to cost the Crusaders the advantage of a home semi final and ultimately the title. “What a girl” said Goodman, adding “If he doesn’t get on board at World Cup time and we lose, he’s dead meat”.

The Crusaders organisation have made it clear they take a dim view. “Other teams shit themselves when they play us as they know the whole Canterbury public are behind the boys. The WHOLE public, not just those that can be bothered” said a Crusaders spokesman. “If Ungar doesn’t wake the fuck up we’ll be forced to review Star Paper Ltd’s supply of posters, mini-rugby balls and inflatable swords”. Former players Justin Marshall and Andrew Merthens released a joint statement warning the franchise’s catchment area that behaviour like Ungar’s is directly responsible for senior players seeking playing opportunites overseas.

Gately, who lives alone, admits to mistakes in the past. “I thought I did everything right for the World Cup Final in 95 - came home early, TV on, I’d just sat down and cracked open a Tui… next thing it’s 6 o’ bloody clock in the morning. Those two steak and cheese from the servo did me in - schoolboy error, that.”

Golden oldies team mate Dave McFee clearly believes “Soft bollock” Gately will fall asleep. “If he makes it through both semis, I’ll go to prize giving in farkin’ make-up. He’s piss weak, that’s his problem”. McFee feels he’s identified some fatal flaws in the plan despite Gately’s optimism. “He’ll have a few pints, couple of pies, lights out. Same old story - he’s got no show.”

Gately feels meticulous preparation is crucial to enjoying rugby when totally shitfaced. “I’ve got the lounge all kitted out. After Dawn moved out I moved the ‘fridge and microwave into the lounge - I’ve heaps of coke, coffee and baked beans ready to go. And Bourbon. As long as I leave the club rooms across the field and avoid the service station and the pies, I’ll be right”.

Any rugby watched after 8.30pm will be a reversal of recent form, following his protracted snoring through Chiefs v Crusaders, the second half of Hurricanes v NSW, almost all of the Cricket World Cup and his nephew Daryl’s 21st birthday celebrations.

New Zealand, a small green country at the end of the earth with only four million people whose spirit was forged from this rugged land with number eight wire ingenuity, cannot hope to retain their Weet-Bix raised top players on the puny Kiwi dollar. Carter’s news should see every single New Zealander, including Kiwis living offshore and those too young to fully understand, unable to sleep tonight.

Carter confirmed yesterday he was heading overseas: “Yeah, I’m going to South Africa for the Super 14 Semi and maybe the Final. I’ll be back there for the Tri Nations, and Aussie too. Then there’s the World Cup of course, which is in France. I may get one of those cheap deals to Fiji at the end of the year, we’ll see how it goes”.

“At the bar, you’re getting all the atmosphere. They’ve got some pretty decent numbers for the second innings considering it starts at sparrow’s fart. We’re still going on that meat pack they raffled for the Ireland match, too”. The increased chances of alcohol consumption are a major factor in his decision. “If I’m at the bar, and we’re winning, I’ll probably have a jug. Be rude not to. Then again, I’ll probably have one if we’re losing too. Elsie’d kill me if I had a drink at home before midday” he said.

There are major doubts about his couch as a viable option. “At home you can concentrate on the match alright and see all the replays, but there’s about as much atmosphere as a Richard Petrie fan club AGM. Elsie will be asking where Chris bloody Harris is every five minutes, too.”

McDonnell concluded his wife’s concern about neighbours’ opinion of the deck that’s needed painting for three years while he’s sitting on his arse in the middle of the day, for heaven’s sake would curtail his enjoyment of the match and that “I’ll be at the Cossie. Fuck it.” He went on to express similar concerns about his ability to peacefully view this years’ America’s Cup yacht racing and Rugby World Cup. A TV in the shed was one option being considered.

Chartered accountant Micheal Vaughan said “Obviously we’ll take full responsibility for ending Cricket forever - that’s life. Batting first after winning the toss wasn’t the best move, but hindsight’s 20/20 isn’t it? We just have to make the best of it.” Yorkshire plumber Andrew Flintoff: “Well the lads are pretty disappointed at how its worked out, but we mustn’t grumble, we’d had a good innings. We’ll always have fond memories of 2005, and that WAS a tremendous piss-up afterwards.”

“I’m absolutely devastated” responded Malcom Speed, unemployed. “One or two results have gone against England, and they’ve made what must have been an extremely tough decision. We’d bought the finest around to the Carribean for a carnival of Cricket, now we’ve just got a bunch of guys in tracksuits buying duty free booze. It’s a nightmare.”

Former Cricketers may not be out of a job if Saatchi & Saatchi Chief Executive Kevin Roberts’ planned breakaway sport “Loveball” gets off the ground. “Oh boy, I am super, super stoked! You guys are gonna love it! I haven’t been this excited since the Gillette Fusion razor! Woooooooo! Yeah! Woooooooo!” enthused Roberts before spontaneously exploding.

The repercussions of this unprecedented move will be felt far and wide, with Lords, Home Of Cricket facing a future as Lords, Home Of Gardening, and Rugby and Netball administrators fearing copycat uninventings before their own world cups later this year. The Channel Nine commentary team are now lobbying Rugby League for a job, with Tony Grieg making a breakaway bid for Polo and Basketball.

A jubilant Ricky Ponting told journalists “The boys are made up. No-one gave us a VB’s chance in Warney’s fridge to win, but we showed some real ticker in here to pull it out. Every Australian can be proud of their team. We’re going to enjoy ourselves tonight, yeah.”

Australia were almost written off early, making schoolboy errors like identifying Bob Hawke as The Muppet Show’s Sam the Eagle in the world leaders round. Crucially, their choice of double point Joker round was ‘Offensively Moronic Commentators’, in which the Channel Nine team featuring heavily.

South Africa established a massive lead early on, before being slowly dragged back to the pack. Sean Pollock proved his worth as a world class all rounder in the music round, picking up a Stock, Aitken Waterman hat trick of Kylie Minouge, Sinitta and the Reynolds Girls in quick succession. “There are a lot of long faces at that table” admitted Pollock. “I’m disappointed ‘cos we haven’t learned from our mistakes - I’m not looking forward to facing the music back home.”

Dark Horses New Zealand made the semi finals with a minimum of fuss, and were many critic’s choice for the title, but spectacularly collapsed on the ‘Celebrity Babies’ round. Stephen Fleming said “I’m gutted, Ham Marshall bought a stack New Ideas with him, and I thought our gossip was going to very, very strong indeed. We argued and argued over Bruce Willis and Demi Moore’s kids names. I wrote down Scout, but Macca rubbed it out and put Brownie. That’s quizzing, I guess.”

The Super Surprise round had been kept under wraps until now, and is designed to re-ignite interest in a tournament that’s come under heavy criticism for its confusing format and sparse crowds. “And you thought we we had nothing” said ICC chief executive Malcolm Speed.

The Ashburton barber and Lions club member of 25 years poured scorn on Richard’s view that “You just get the feeling they’re peaking at the right time, and they’ve got all contingencies covered”. “He’s talking out his arse - the day the Black Caps win the World Cup is the day I run down the main drag with a bloody Blues jersey on. No way, mate.”

MacFarlane’s claims are based on historical precedents. “We had it on a plate in ‘92. Playing at home on our pitches, with our crowds, we never had it better. We just need to put the foot on Pakistan’s throat, but it all turned to shit. 99? Farked it up. 2003? Farked it up.” said MacFarlane, who added this was “typical” and that the Black Caps were “a pack of farkin chokers”.

The former Shirley lock forward was equally scathing about former Australian Test Skipper Ian Chappell’s assessment that “only New Zealand has the skill and courage to challenge Australia in the World Cup cricket final”. “Whatever” retorted the South Island-based fuckwit. “That’s the biggest lot of shit I’ve ever heard”, adding “they’ll all be injured by the time we play a decent team, anyway.”