NEWSDESK: 
“I spent yesterday trialing an prototype 3D video game – it was incredible,” said Black Caps captain Dan Vettori. “Weird, I thought we were meant to be actually playing cricket, but once I got into it I couldn’t put it down. I’d recommend it to anyone.”
Black Caps manager Dave Currie said “Dan became such a pain in the arse once he was injured, we decided to give him an old Atari joystick and sit him in the stand to keep him occupied. It worked surprisingly well.”
While the experience was totally immersive, there are still some areas of the game to iron out, according to Vettori. “I mean, the batting was a little out, Shane Bond seemed to have got James Franklin’s batting skills, and vice versa, they’ll want to have a look at that. Injuries added a real challenge, I was out for starters, then Jake got injured halfway through – like I say, it’s pretty realistic,” said Vettori.
The injured Black Caps captain raved about the depth of field and wind effects, praising the game manufacturer’s attention to detail. “I could smell the hotdogs, I kept on expecting frickin Na’vi to leap out at me! The bloody pause button was broken though, eh, I had to go drop the kids off at the pool towards the end of the Aussie innings, it wouldn’t stop, but everything seemed to go OK.”
“Dan was enthralled – he even made little shooting noises – peeow peeow, he was going. We’re going to try this on long flights and in team meetings, for sure,” said Currie.
NEWSDESK: Annoying every man, woman and child on the planet was all the motivation Ricky Ponting’s players needed to complete their 36 run win over Pakistan in Sydney. “I told the boys we’ve got a great chance of pissing off everyone in the world if we got those wickets, a great chance,’ said Ponting. “I bet there’s a whole lot of blokes in Laos really fucked off with us right now – we’ll all be laughing about that in the bar tonight!”
The All Black coaching panel have shuffled their duties for the Northern Hemisphere tour, with Graham Henry to marshall the forward pack, Wayne Smith picking up the defense, and Steve Hansen taking responsibility for Milo. “It’s a chance for us to grow the group’s skill base,” said Graham Henry. “Wayne will develop his rush and man on man defense patterns, and Steve will be working mainly on putting the milk in first. He’s very excited about the move into hot drinks, and obviously brings his Welsh Horlicks experience to the table.”
NEWSDESK: NZRFU CEO Steve Tew warned today that continued criticism of the All Black coaching panel could see Wayne Smith and Steve Hansen’s roles taken up by former All Black head coach John Mitchell and grinning twat Jason Gunn.
NEWSDESK: New Black Caps selector and captain Dan Vettori has stunned team mates by benching himself for the second test in Sri Lanka, saying he’d given himself a wake up call and hopes he responds to the challenge.
NEWSDESK: The NZRFU announced today the re-appointment of the Graham Henry-led coaching regime until 2037. “We’ve often been accused of throwing the baby out with the bathwater when it comes to All Black coaching panels. This time we’re going to have the wee fella living with Mum and Dad until he’s old enough to rifle the liquor cabinet” said NZRFU CEO Steve Tew, before denying he was really, really high.
NEWSDESK: In an unexpected move, outspoken New Zealand Herald writer Chris Rattue has been selected at Number 8 for the first test against France.
NEWSDESK: Black Cap Jesse Ryder’s discipline was in question again this morning after allegations of a Godzilla-like rampage. On Friday night Ryder celebrated a win with team mates at a top South African nightspot. Early Saturday morning Ryder reportedly emerged from the Pacific in an atomic blast-fuelled homicidal rampage, causing massive loss of life and flattening most of the Tokyo CBD before being driven back into the ocean by Japanese fighter planes. Alcohol and deadly gamma rays could be factors in the incident.
NEWSDESK: Top Kiwi heavyweights David Tua and Shane Cameron will go toe to toe in the car park of Hamilton’s Troppoz night spot in November. Originally scheduled for Waikato Stadium, then Mystery Creek, the 12 round fight now takes place in a roped off section of the 60 car capacity parking facility. “We’ve hosted a number of fights in our car park” said proprietor Greg Baartowel. “Ohaupo 2nd XV versus the cops in ‘93 springs to mind.”
NEWSDESK: Warriors fans can now experience the highs and crushing, crushing lows of League on the Bunco Piping Solutions Roller Coaster Of Emotions, officially launched at Sunday’s match.
