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NEWSDESK: sportreview.net.nz can exclusively reveal that popular Channel Nine commentator Ian Healy has been taking large sums of cash in return for delivering fucking idiotic comments to order, so as to game the fucking idiotic comment spot gambling market.

A sportreview.net.nz reporter went undercover to meet Healy in his hotel. “He was keen to do a deal. He even demonstrated a few fucking idiotic comments in the room to show he could do the business. It could have just been him talking, but still… they were pretty idiotic.”

Healy outlined how it would work:

HEALY: “I’ll be in the booth just after the first drinks break. Richie’ll come on first crapping on about the score or something, then I’ll come in with something fucking idiotic.”

REPORTER: “How will we know it’s our comment?”

HEALY: “You’ll know, mate. You’ll know.”

Our reporter said “Healy delivered the goods – it was like clockwork. First thing out of his mouth was ‘Here comes Ricky Ponting, you can tell by his arm hair he’s got the freshest armpits in the game. That’s the mark of a true Aussie champion.’ We could’ve cleaned up at the bookie’s with that and fully got our money’s worth.” Healy went on to deliver two more fucking idiotic comments during that day’s play, causing his fellow commentators to remark on their idiocy at the time.

Healy’s Channel Nine colleagues were saddened that Healy has bought the fucking idiotic into disrepute: “This kind of fucking idiocy needs to be weeded out of the game, so we can get back to a more innocent, genuine kind of fucking idiocy,” said Bill Lawry.  When confronted with the allegations, Healy challenged our reporter to pick out the planted comments from his normal commentary: “Mate, just about everything I say is fucking idiotic – that goes for in the booth, and at home. That’s the mark of a true Aussie champion.”

NEWSDESK: Celebrations around Muttiah Muralitharan’s 800th test wicket were tempered by criticism of his 237 wickets taken against blind children and their pets. “You have to ask how many wickets Clarrie Grimmet or Dennis Lillee would have got against blind children and their pets,” said Des Jandal, cricket correspondent for the Perth Morning Whinge. “What would run through a hamster’s mind when they saw DK Lillee steaming in off the long run at them?”

Outspoken cricket blogger Tristan Chortle-Creasly of jollygoodshowwhat.com has analysed Murali’s technique. “He gives blind kids the slow straight one, they can usually hear anything that spins. Dogs, he’s looking to pitch it up, give it some air and try and get them leg before. The allegations of ball tampering with a bier stick were never proved. He uses the same technique against cats as he does against New Zealand, just a stock leg cutter, sooner or later they’ll get themselves out.”

Murali’s supporters say you can only play what’s put in front of you, and his outstanding record against Zimbabwe, Bangladesh, Chris Martin, the visually impaired and quadrupeds cannot lessen his achievement.

NEWSDESK: Anxious to live up to standards set by 2002 ICC Champion Trophy’s ‘Super Confused Round’ and the 1999 England World Cup’s ‘Baffle Raffle’, the ICC are promising further innovation in the current T20 world championships. ‘We’re going to make the NRL Finals look like a design classic – we’re expect grown men to weep trying to work it out,” enthused ICC spokesman Brampton Bender-Brampton.

“We gathered the finest minds the English public school system has produced, put them up in a Sussex Castle-slash-Conference Centre, gave them tea, gin and a whiteboard and left them to it,” Bender-Brampton told worried-looking press. “When they came back three weeks later asking for erasable markers and more pornography, we knew we had the right team on the job.”

Task Force Shit-Gaggle member Little ‘Lord’ Chortleroy was struck by the dedication the working group showed whenever they were fully concious. “At one stage we were considering teams qualifying for a ‘Prove Who Admires And Respects The Queen The Most’ round, to be presided over by Prince Phillip and Rudi Koertzen, but we felt it played England’s hands too much. Phillip was frightfully disappointed when we woke him up and broke the news.”

For 2010, the West Indies’ spread out geography was taken into account to maximise confusion further – “Some teams may even turn up at the wrong venue altogether! As for fans – well, those without a super yacht of their own may well be best off staying home,” said Bender-Brampton, as he dodged burning copies of Wisden being lobbed in his direction.

Players are cautiously welcoming the challenging mystery format. “Doesn’t matter, mate, I’m still biding my time, waiting to punch either Duckworth or Lewis in the face. I hate those guys,” said New Zealand Captain Daniel Vettori.

NEWSDESK: In an unexpected move, New Zealand have bought the wind into the squad for Hamilton’s second test against Australia. “You have to take advantage of the home conditions – well we’re going to have the conditions in our playing XI,” captain Dan Vettori told a stunned press conference, slowly tapping his temple. “The wind’s form in Wellington impressed us, we’re certain it can do a job for us in Hamilton, being bowled into, blowing people’s hats off, getting in the Australian’s heads… we don’t see the wind carrying the drinks, put it that way.”

By ICC rules, countries are free to pick any weather patterns they choose; “Wind is an important factor in any international dressing room, and particularly in the county scene – this selection reminds me of when Inzamam Ul-Haq tried to select a breakfast buffet for Pakistan, but passport problems put the kibosh on it, what,” said ICC spokesman Harvey Spill-Blazer.

“We see the wind as a specialist fielder,” said coach Mark Greatbach, “I haven’t seen it bowl yet, but I reckon it’ll have a ding-dong batttle with Chris Martin for the number 11 batting slot.”