SRPA: Leaving your best players out for a New Zealand tour used to be just for the likes of England or Wales. After a 101-14 loss, Manu Samoa at last took their place at the big boys’ table. With a forward pack as competitive as Ian Smith versus a Milo and an early night, and a backline with more gaping holes than a Stu Wilson bender recollection, Manu Samoa showed they’ve finally joined the professional era.
With several of the first choice XV unable to tour due to earning shit-loads in Europe commitments, the Samoans fielded a 3rd XV tonight in a thrashing worse than a paralytic arts student taking on Ross Murant.
“To come here and lose by 87 points shows the Samoans are ready.” said NZRFU CEO Steve Tew. “I’d rate it alongside ’07’s 61-10 toweling of France. Maybe even the 55-3 Wales debacle in ‘03. We’ll definitely work with them to schedule more hidings in the future.”
Jubilant Manu Samoa Coach Niko Palamo said “Those boys did themselves proud representing Samoa tonight. Whoever they were.” The loss impressed the English press with The Times’ Stephen Jones purring about the Samoans’ indomitable spirit and the sheer magnitude of glorious, glorious defeat. He also demanded the Samoan’s immediate inclusion in the Six Nations at the expense of Scotland.

SRPA: Disgraced All Black Jimmy Cowan made it clear he was out of his mind with drink at the time of the late night incident that jeopardised his All Black place. “I was fucko, eh. I’m talking 24 Woodys, a White Russian and $15 of chips.”
SRPA: Popular commentator Ian Smith pulled no punches after Wednesday’s Grant Elliot run out controversy. “I’m absolutely disgusted at Paul Collingwood’s decision making. To think this guy is captaining England, birthplace of the game… it really makes you wonder. That kind of thing has no place in the international game” said Smith, adding he wouldn’t mind smashing Collingwood’s face in.
SRPA: In a bold reverse psychology gambit, John Bracewell has been putting the Black Caps through their batting slump paces this week. “What the hey, we’ve been practising actual batting and that for months, and it’s done us no bloody good at all.” said Bracewell. The second test at Old Trafford saw New Zealand reel from 85/3 to 114 all out. “If the guys get some solid utter humiliation under their belts at training, that will definitely translate to runs in the middle.” said Bracewell, involuntarily punching himself hard in the leg.
SRPA: Former All Black Doug Howlett has admitted his move to Munster has added an edge to his drinking. “At home we’d have a few quiets three, four times per season, max. In Ireland, we’re totally arseholed three times a week. It’s a numbers game.” Howlett is impressed at European player’s dedication to getting troppo. “They’re total pros, mate. It starts with a couple of cans in the carpark before training, and next thing you’re in the nightclub at 2am wearing just your club tie. I had a lot to learn.”


SRPA: Ever woken up racked with dread, wondering what you did last night? Bangalore franchise CEO Charu Sharma can empathise. He woke up this morning with a mind numbing hangover. And Nathan Bracken.
SRPA: The ICC is set to rock the cricket world with a radical new format designed to take on the rebel Twenty20 leagues. The game takes place over five consecutive days, with no limits on bowlers’ overs, and team batting twice, if required. “There may well be scenarios where an individual could bat all day, if he’s good enough.” said ICC Chief executive Malcolm Speed at a press conference. “Imagine that!”
SRPA: Don Singely of Hawera came out swinging today, outraged by the Wellington Sevens’ crowd behaviour over the weekend. “They’re not REAL sevens fans. Anyone would think they don’t care about Tonga v the USA at all.” By his estimation, Singely shouted “Siddown!” 47 times, “Shut-up!” 23 times, “Watch the game!” 56 times, and “Why don’t you fuck off back to Auckland, you Johnny-fuck-knuckle Village People reject?” a formidable 315 times.

























