Tag: all blacks

Stephen Donald resting up on Kapiti Coast beach

NEWSDESK: Former All Black Stephen Donald has made himself at home on a Kapiti Coast beach. Donald, who was dropped from the All Black training squad this week, was discovered by Peka Peka Beach resident Gladys Coronation, who was out walking her dogs. “I thought I was seeing things, it’s pretty unusual to see an All Black in this neck of the woods. He seems content, but he’s just… sitting there.”

Coronation contacted the Department of Conservation, who are advising that people should remain at least ten metres away from Stephen Donald at all times, and that dogs should be kept on a leash. “Donald could deliver a vicious peck if he feels threatened. Best case scenario is that he eventually swims back out to sea,” said a DOC spokesperson.

The residents of Peka Peka beach have taken Stephen Donald into their hearts, and are taking it in turns to stand guard. “I’d love to throw a blanket on him and say ‘Just forget about fucking up in Hong Kong, bro’ but you have to let him be. You just have to let him be,” said local hardcase Gavin McEyebrow.

Some residents were concerned about Donald’s well-being and wanted DOC to intervene – the DOC spokesperson said staff were investigating long-term intervention plans if needed, but there was not a lot they could do. “There are no facilities in New Zealand that can care for Stephen Donald long term.”

The only other recording of an All Black living on a beach in New Zealand was Alan Hewson’s stint living at Southland’s Oreti Beach in 1985.

Tweet yourself unemployed

Twitter’s Cory Jane got in hot lineament this week when he posted “Siit … If the ABs team got picked 2moro on form NO #Chiefs or #Hurricanes would make it apart from #ConradSmith & @LiamMessam #JustSaying” to popular social networking site Twitter.

Before he had time to pick up his homies in his Hummer and roll to Hurricanes training, Cory found himself on the front page. Stuff.co.nz published both his reported tweet, and his protest that an All Black expressing an opinion shouldn’t be news. He’s right, it shouldn’t, but as a nation, we’re more conditioned to hearing our national team expressing opinions on their preferred choice of underarm deodorant, breakfast cereal, carbonated soft drink or big grunty V8 petrol burner of choice. We rarely hear them talk about rugby, especially so if you tune in to the post match interviews.

Presumably, as an All Black, Cory is more media trained than John Campbell’s surprised look, so he’s being naive in the extreme. If he believes his tweet wasn’t newsworthy, he probably believes Dan Carter really is a heat pump, the NZRFU cares about the Ranfurly Shield, and that Steve Hanson didn’t go missing in Graham Henry’s eyebrow for three weeks in late 2005.

While @Coryjane1080 winding up on the front page of stuff.co.nz with a silly tweet is quite big, I still predict a bigger, proper Hurricanes Horror Twitter Explosion is yet to occur. Someone is really going to lose it at some stage – I do not envy the Hurricanes and NZRFU media teams’ jobs, they must be having kittens – but it’s going to be awesome to watch when it does happen. Watch out around All Black selection time, or in the weeks afterwards. There’s only so much playstation an ex All Black with time on his hands can take.

The Crusaders attempt to capture the lucrative youth / internet market with mid-game planking.

Elsewhere, heat pump to the nation Dan Carter will announce his playing future today. New Zealanders follow Dan the same way they’d follow a duckling trying to cross the southern motorway, every move he makes causes howls of angst. “Left! Left, little ducky! Watch out for that sixteen wheeler Mac truck!” “Dan! Dan! Ignore that shady looking Frenchman carrying cash in a suitcase and smelling vaguely of cheap hotel room!”. It goes on. Whatever happens, Dan will be part of our next world cup, his third, and look half asleep. I predict he’ll re-sign with the NZRFU, with a couple of sabbaticals to get highly paid / injured / catch up on playstation inbetween.

Links on Friday

There’s something deeply, deeply compelling about seeing Tottenham’s winning goal at Milan complete with a GOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAL! complete with a commentator sounding as excited as if someone released a load of mousetraps into the commentary booth

Virals are hard. Exhibit A: The Warratah’s clever, real and most importantly, FUNNY summer skills video takes our pointless effort and runs to the tryline like it’s a World Cup semi. Ahem

If NFL teams wore football jerseys

If FUCKYEAHALEXFERGUSONGETTINGNARKYWITHTVINTERVIEWERS.tumblr.com existed, I’d probably end up watching it all day

NZRFU clears Andrew Hore to fight in Taranaki pub

NEWSDESK: All Black hooker Andrew Hore has been given permission by the NZRFU to participate in one or more fights in or around his local hotel The Drencher’s Arms over the Christmas / New Year period. Hore, who has a record of 23 and 18 in bouts where security staff did not intervene, told reporters he was “excited by the challenge” and “ready to punch snot out of some wanker.”

While his opponent is likely to be identified only at the very last minute, Hore has expressed his preference to fight someone from Auckland. The undercard features super rugby mascot Captain Hurricane versus 20 lucky schoolchildren, and Tim ‘Skinny ‘ Clearasil’s yard glass attempt.

Steve Hansen clocked driving 31kph under speed limit; dodges ticket

NEWSDESK: All Blacks assistant coach Steve Hansen was apprehended after a leisurely vehicle pursuit along Cashel Street in Christchurch at Labour weekend. The radar gun recorded his speed at just 19kph in a 50kph zone, but Hansen was not issued an infringement notice.

“Of course I let him off – he’s with the ABs. And a Mason,” said arresting officer Dane Handlebar. “Still, though. What a fucking nana.” Hansen’s treatment is consistent with that one time Grizz Wylie was found asleep at the wheel in the Shirley clubrooms carpark and was offered a taxi chit and Chocolate Primo by police.

One day, Hong Kong could be global Rugby champions

A Mormon missionary stands at your door and enthuses about the Hong Kong Bledisloe match to establish rapport.

G’day my mate. How’s your saveloy situation?

No sir, I’m referring to Saturday night! You gotta stock up on snacks and beverages, ‘cos it’s big game night, amigo! We’re going head to head with the Aussies! At Rugby! Mate. I thought the Bledisloe couldn’t BE more extreme, but now they’ve taken it on the road to a Special Administrative Region of the People’s Republic of China.

Woah. That near-capacity crowd won’t know what hit em.

It’s gonna be huge – half of the Hong Kong crowd will paint their little faces black, half will be paintin’ ’em yellow, and the rest will be painting half black half yellow to show they don’t care who wins, they’re just stoked to be part of the global rugby family. And that they’ll only buy officially IRB endorsed merchandise.

Elder Zach said the match is a thinly veiled excuse for ex-pat backslapping, old school tie network deal making and a 72 hour wanton piss-up. I say look out for the Dan Carter air show – bam! It’s Sonny Bill Williams – tackle buster to the max! Can you handle Steve Hansen – getting freaky and outta control! There’s no stopping rugby in Asia – imagine Jackie Chan kung fu kicking off the scrum! Imagine eating egg foo young while taking in some serious oval ball code! Imagine going up against a ninja to claim the loose ball! Elder Zach’s going to owe the rugby union fellas a pretty big apology after this one -gimme five!

NZRFU unveil special ‘non-playing’ role for Sonny Bill

NEWSDESK: NZRFU CEO Steve Tew this morning revealed details of a special non-playing role for new signing Sonny Bill Williams. “Sonny Bill has already created huge interest in the NPC and Canterbury club rugby, with appearances limited to walking through Westfield mall food courts wearing jandals. We’re looking to dimension that onto the national stage.”

The form of All Black midfielders Ma’a Nonu and Conrad Smith has freed Williams to explore other channels for his talents: “There’s a wealth of options on the table for Sonny Bill – riding on the team bus wearing headphones, running through crowds of reporters and getting really good at rugby on the XBox. We’ll probably encourage him to tweet about it,” said Tew.

Other off field opportunties include a possible charity boxing match against Simon Dallow (“Simon has a lot of anger,” commented Dallow’s representative), and a rumored contract for Williams to drive a Hummer around Tamaki Drive to promote woman’s hockey.

Drunk All Black fans blast NZ cricket boss

NEWSDESK: Drunk All Black fans have slammed the actions of NZ cricket boss Justin Vaughan at Saturday’s Bledisloe Cup test match in Melbourne. “Vaughan was clearly unable to chop his piss – he made me ashamed to be Kiwi,” said Rangiora farm hand Mark Jughandle. After a drinking spree that began in his hotel bed that morning, Jughandle had consumed an estimated 23 draught beers by the time he took his seat at Etihad stadium, but his enjoyment of the match was severely hindered by Vaughan, who “totally wrecked the buzz” and was most likely a “soft cock”.

Justin Vaughan, who lives in Auckland, “whinged like a little bitch”, declined the offer of a fight and “ratted out” Jughandle’s group to stewards. He also performed poorly in an impromptu boat race, consuming a mere three chardonnays over the course of the match, however Jughandle did concede Vaughan may have been unaware he was participating in said race.

Jughandle has labelled Vaughan’s behavior as unacceptable and called for a review of minimum alcohol levels at grounds: “Mate, I reckon Helen Clark would be better value on the piss. Guys like him should be breathtested at the gate to make sure they’ve got enough down them.”