Category: news

League commentator actually shuts up for 5 seconds

SRPA: The Rugby League world was rocked today by 5 seconds of silence from Brisbane Rugby League commentator Dickie “Barracuda” McDagstead. A full 5 seconds’ silence went to air on McDagstead’s watch during the weekend’s Roosters v Broncos match, each second a bombshell to the heart of the proud winter code.

League fans wasted no time lighting up talkback switchboards in disgust. “I had no idea if this encounter was bruising, epic, or just plain huge.” said Broncos fan “Stumpy” Hodges, speaking from the East Brisbane RSL. “I mean, there were things happening, and they weren’t being described in unnecessarily intricate detail. Where was the big call? Where? I’ve never been so scared”.

Retired commentary great Roy “Boomer” Stretchtrouser lamented the modern commentator’s lack of standards, pointing to his 53 year career of uninterrupted incomprehensible drivel. “This Wouldn’t Have Happened in My Day. I Was Being Shelled By Japanese Subs Moored In Sydney Harbor, And Still Shouted ‘Jenkins-Barrington’ 34 Times During A Runaway Intercept Try. These Cowboys Today Have No Idea.”

McDagstead, who may be in breach of his contract with Channel 9, apologised immediately, admitting a dropped sausage roll played a key role in Silencegate. “I Took My Eye Off The Ball” said McDagstead. “Ohhhhhhhhhhh, It’s A Tragedy.”

Cowan: “Hey, I was drunk!”

SRPA: Disgraced All Black Jimmy Cowan made it clear he was out of his mind with drink at the time of the late night incident that jeopardised his All Black place. “I was fucko, eh. I’m talking 24 Woodys, a White Russian and $15 of chips.”

The incident, full details of which have not been made public, left several members of the public splattered and shaken. Cowan was keen to emphasise that being uttererly wankered was the primary reason for his behavior.  “You know the ad where the guy is drinking all afternoon at the clubrooms, gets in a fight  and comas out in the bathroom? I think it’s for carpet? Anyway, that was me. I was in bits.”

Cowan pointed out that his behavior was not a fitting example for young All Black fans, “unless they were really, really wasted”.

Smith disgusted with everything

SRPA: Popular commentator Ian Smith pulled no punches after Wednesday’s Grant Elliot run out controversy. “I’m absolutely disgusted at Paul Collingwood’s decision making. To think this guy is captaining England, birthplace of the game… it really makes you wonder. That kind of thing has no place in the international game” said Smith, adding he wouldn’t mind smashing Collingwood’s face in.

When asked about the Kiwi’s chances of taking the series at Lords he commented “Hold your horses. The Black Caps’ lack of sportsmanship after the match was sickening, I almost  vomited kebab all over Mike Atherton, it was that bad. That kind of thing has no place in the international game”.

Being disgusted at both teams over a single incident is new territory for Smith, but one he’s comfortable with. “Look, I’m fucking disgusted on a daily basis. If I can’t be deeply, deeply critical of one team or player, no worries, I’ll be gravely disappointed with everyone, if that’s the way they want it.”Smith was also greatly offended by a lack of eclairs at the afternoon buffet, and his taxi ride home at the conclusion of play.

Europe has developed Howlett’s drinking game

SRPA: Former All Black Doug Howlett has admitted his move to Munster has added an edge to his drinking. “At home we’d have a few quiets three, four times per season, max. In Ireland, we’re totally arseholed three times a week. It’s a numbers game.” Howlett is impressed at European player’s dedication to getting troppo. “They’re total pros, mate. It starts with a couple of cans in the carpark before training, and next thing you’re in the nightclub at 2am wearing just your club tie. I had a lot to learn.”

Howlett feels he was singled out for special attention early on, but says it’s developed him as a player. “They were sticking Vodka in my Murphy’s, making me skull for drinking with my left hand, throwing me through windows, you name it. I had the big reputation, being an All Black and jumping on that BMW, but I still had heaps to learn. It’s made me a more rounded drinker, alright.”

Howlett harbours strong views on this country’s player drain. “We’re New Zealanders – we’ve grown up with being chased, held down and forced to do a yardy in the club rooms. That’s what’s made us great, but there’s definitely room for Rugby OEs. Take Dan Carter. Can’t handle his piss. He needs a couple of years of grateful rich businessmen buying him brandy and wine skulls under his belt. He’ll become one of the greats, and he’ll bring that knowledge home.”

Howlett strongly advocates relaxing rules around overseas players. “We’re pros. We can stick away dozens of miniature Johnny Walkers on the flight, get off the plane and play Hawke’s Bay in the NPC. That experience rubs off. Don’t get me wrong, guys in Europe aren’t spewing out the same coach windows and pissing on the same bars every week and getting stale. One week it’s Guiness in Dublin, next it’s Beaujolais bar brawls in France and Glenfiddich in Edinbrugh on Sundays. Its’ all about expanding your horizons.”

Third place rower unimpressed with race coverage

Rower photoSRPA: Rower Dave Everlast lashed out at the media storm surrounding today’s showdown between triple world champion Mahe Drysdale and double world champion / Olympic gold medalist Rob Waddell on Lake Karapiro today. Everlast finished 25 seconds behind second placed Waddell. “I was prepared to answer a few questions today, but those reporters jostled me getting out of the boat. I could have drowned.” said Everlast. “Those guys don’t get rowing at all”.

Everlast, whose career highlights include finishing behind Drysdale and Waddell on numerous occasions, and giving Drysdale’s truck a jump start one time was not enthused by the prospect of becoming a trivia question in years to come. “Well whoop-de-fuckin’ shit” he said.

IPL franchise CEO wakes up with hangover, Nathan Bracken

SRPA: Ever woken up racked with dread, wondering what you did last night? Bangalore franchise CEO Charu Sharma can empathise. He woke up this morning with a mind numbing hangover. And Nathan Bracken.

“What have I done?” said Sharma, after a prolonged bout of moaning and finding a cool, damp towel for his forehead. “Last thing I remember was enjoying the canapes and a little wine in reception. Next thing I have this guy in a headband sitting in my hotel room. What a horrible, horrible situation.”

An clearly tired and emotional Sharma bid $325,000 USD in last night’s Indian Premier League player auction, picking up Bracken unopposed while shouting “The headband! I want the headband! Hahahahahahahaaa!” After some strong black coffee Sharma was looking on the bright side this morning. “I guess I can use him. Fielding at cow corner. Shoring up an end. Mowing my lawn. Everyone’s good at something.”

ICC brainstorms new Cricket format ‘Like Twenty20, but lasting five whole days’

SRPA: The ICC is set to rock the cricket world with a radical new format designed to take on the rebel Twenty20 leagues. The game takes place over five consecutive days, with no limits on bowlers’ overs, and team batting twice, if required. “There may well be scenarios where an individual could bat all day, if he’s good enough.” said ICC Chief executive Malcolm Speed at a press conference. “Imagine that!”

“There may be a few rumblings from the Long Room brigade, but we’re sure they’ll come around.” said ICC Director Of Communications Tim Strong-Ginbender. “Cricket’s a game of tradition – but we can’t be afraid to innovate. Where will the Michael Bevans and Chris Harrises of the future come from? Cricket’s forefathers, visionary men like Kerry Packer, would approve I’m sure.”

The new format was developed by a specially commissioned think tank, fresh from designing the 2007 World Cup format. “We holed up in a Dubai hotel with a whiteboard for three months.” explained Strong-Ginbender. “There was no such thing as a bad idea. Five days? Sure! Two innings? Go with that! Different coloured balls – why not red? Just a tremendous amount of energy and enthusiasm in the room.”

Players’ consultant Inzamam Ul-Haq, who spent the press conference slowly shaking his head and moaning softly, declined to answer any questions not related to the hotel’s buffet, which featured excellent Pain Au Chocolat and unlimited coffee refills before 10.30am.

Hawera man wants Sevens crowd to sit down, shut up, watch game

SRPA: Don Singely of Hawera came out swinging today, outraged by the Wellington Sevens’ crowd behaviour over the weekend. “They’re not REAL sevens fans. Anyone would think they don’t care about Tonga v the USA at all.” By his estimation, Singely shouted “Siddown!” 47 times, “Shut-up!” 23 times, “Watch the game!” 56 times, and “Why don’t you fuck off back to Auckland, you Johnny-fuck-knuckle Village People reject?” a formidable 315 times.

Singely’s highlights of the weekend included the Samoa v Fiji nailbiter; “Magic”, and a man dressed as a parking warden tripping and landing on his face; “Halarious!”. Singely missed New Zealand’s thrilling last minute win having already left Wellington Stadium to beat the traffic.

Only Marc Ellis and Ridgey can save India v Australia!

Hi. I’m Billy Bowden. I’m the guy that made cricket un-boring just by being zany – I do the dancing six signals and the daggy bent finger and that. Remember? There’s nothing I won’t do to put a smile on your dial!

So, last week I was at home watching ‘Bring It On!‘ to suss some new moves when I got a phone call. “Billy, we need you to save the series! Players are at each other’s fucking throats, they’re threatening to go home, and the TV bosses are darker than a nasty dose of Guinness shits! You’ve gotta come save us!” They chose the right guy.

Everyone knows laughter’s the best medicine. My career is testament to that. But this brouhaha is pretty blimmin’ serious, and it’ll take more than ol’ Billy hopping on one leg with a priceless expression on his face to fix it. No, this assignment calls for the big guns. Buckle up Australia, I’m bringing Marc Ellis and Ridgey with me.

I’ve got it all planned out, it’s gunna be brilliant. I’ll be out in the middle cracking everyone up with my patented whacky signals, while the fellas make Mums and Dads at home roll on the floor laughing with funny interviews. They’ll probably take off their clothes. In a funny way. I can just see Ridgey walking out to stick his car keys in the pitch wearing just his Y-fronts. Or something. We should probably get Mike King involved too, he’s probably not busy.

Those Aussies won’t know what hit ’em. You can’t lodge a formal complaint with the match referee when you’re cracking up laughing, eh! And after it’s all over and I’ve got all the autographs I need, we can have a cold one and a curry and everyone’ll say “thank goodness for Billy saving the day with laughter. Hang on – what’s he doing now? Oh I see. Ha hah hah ha ha. He never stops'”. It’s gunna be sweet.

Bangladesh learn invaluable lessons touring New Zealand, having crap kicked out of them

SRNZPA: Despite enduring a cricketing humiliation roughly equivalent to walking into the Long Room at Lord’s wearing only Marmite, Bangladesh’s cricketers are looking on the bright side. “We have learned so much from being bent over and used in this manner by the Kiwis.” said captain Mohammad Ashraful. “When they chart our cricketing development, conceding 95 in six overs will go down as a joyous, joyous day!”

Bangladesh have picked up many little tips from the Black Caps. “Instead of being bowled by Kyle Mills, I should have hit it for six!” said opener Junaid Siddique. “It’s so obvious.” The Black Caps role model what’s required at this level. “To relieve the tension, the Kiwi play ‘Who farted?'” said Ashraful. “They are true professionals.” New Zealand coach John Bracewell’s effortless media mastery has also impressed. “The way he ducks and weaves like a drunk man walking in mud fascinates me.” said Farhad Reza. “Lke the old saying, ‘Beware the wise snake wearing skin of ass.'”

Bangladesh celebrated with the Black Caps after the Queenstown match, observing first hand how a top class outfit winds down. “I look forward to playing ‘pokies’ and enjoying many drinks set on fire in the future” enthused Shahadat Hossain.