You are currently browsing the monthly archive for May 2008.
Some good ol’ boys win some Ice Hockey trophy, then break it. They’ll have to pay for that out of their own money, I’d say
Gotta say, serial killers methodically going through teenagers at lakes and undead janitors existing largely in people’s dreams were much, much bigger for me growing up than Michael Jordan - and now Jason and Freddy have their own shoes. I’d like some Sean Of The Dead ones, please
Now that I notice, this is an alcoholic lager beer - 10%! Blimey! That’s quite a lot, isn’t it?
We’ve Been Planning This Sepia Wild West Family Portrait Too Long For You To Mess It Up. Har - You will honor your family holding a pose where you’re looking at your younger sister—who will be dressed as a dancing girl whether she likes it or not—in a respectful, yet slightly randy fashion.
SRPA: In a bold reverse psychology gambit, John Bracewell has been putting the Black Caps through their batting slump paces this week. “What the hey, we’ve been practising actual batting and that for months, and it’s done us no bloody good at all.” said Bracewell. The second test at Old Trafford saw New Zealand reel from 85/3 to 114 all out. “If the guys get some solid utter humiliation under their belts at training, that will definitely translate to runs in the middle.” said Bracewell, involuntarily punching himself hard in the leg.
Team Psychologist Alexander Cranishake explains the four stages of the battling collapse methodology: “First step is ‘false dawn’, or getting away to a good start - you don’t want to blow out too soon so the crowd can get away and achieve something with the rest of their day. Second stage is the ‘tipping point’, where we lose both openers, and possibly three and four very, very quickly. We’re missing Flem now, so we’re obviously short of experience in this area. Third stage is the ‘domino’, where guys get out to shots Dennis Lillee wouldn’t play in beach cricket. Fourth stage is ’slow death’, with Chris Martin sticking around for fifteen overs for three runs. The team’s also practising microskills like ruefully shaking their heads, slowly walking to the pavilion, airshots of what they ‘meant’ to play, and throwing their box at the parking attendant”.
In a hastily arranged practise match against a Plummywell 2nd XI, the Black Caps failed to carry out the game plan, reaching 438/2 in the first innings. After a stern talking to, the team were all out for 92 in the second. Brendon McCullum chimed in with a useful 2. “The guys displayed some real application out there. They almost got away to a formidable total, but pegged it back nicely to a rout.” said Bracewell. “Woah. Braces must be really, really high.” said captain Daniel Vettori.
In other news, Daniel Flynn was a notable absentee from ‘getting smacked hard in the face with cricket balls’ sessions this week.
SRPA: Former All Black Doug Howlett has admitted his move to Munster has added an edge to his drinking. “At home we’d have a few quiets three, four times per season, max. In Ireland, we’re totally arseholed three times a week. It’s a numbers game.” Howlett is impressed at European player’s dedication to getting troppo. “They’re total pros, mate. It starts with a couple of cans in the carpark before training, and next thing you’re in the nightclub at 2am wearing just your club tie. I had a lot to learn.”
Howlett feels he was singled out for special attention early on, but says it’s developed him as a player. “They were sticking Vodka in my Murphy’s, making me skull for drinking with my left hand, throwing me through windows, you name it. I had the big reputation, being an All Black and jumping on that BMW, but I still had heaps to learn. It’s made me a more rounded drinker, alright.”
Howlett harbours strong views on this country’s player drain. “We’re New Zealanders - we’ve grown up with being chased, held down and forced to do a yardy in the club rooms. That’s what’s made us great, but there’s definitely room for Rugby OEs. Take Dan Carter. Can’t handle his piss. He needs a couple of years of grateful rich businessmen buying him brandy and wine skulls under his belt. He’ll become one of the greats, and he’ll bring that knowledge home.”
Howlett strongly advocates relaxing rules around overseas players. “We’re pros. We can stick away dozens of miniature Johnny Walkers on the flight, get off the plane and play Hawke’s Bay in the NPC. That experience rubs off. Don’t get me wrong, guys in Europe aren’t spewing out the same coach windows and pissing on the same bars every week and getting stale. One week it’s Guiness in Dublin, next it’s Beaujolais bar brawls in France and Glenfiddich in Edinbrugh on Sundays. Its’ all about expanding your horizons.”
Britain’s David Miller biffs his bike. I’ll probably do this to a keyboard at some point today
Sweet own goal - that would hurt in *two* ways
Everyone loves 70s Aussie Rules brawls, and that goes double when some flamin’ galah goes seppo and clocks a bloody ref - here’s not one but two
Heh - this guy takes pictures of his TV. Scroll down for the ‘Spaz’ one. He probably reads this site
Keith Quinn, legendary Rugby broadcaster, makes his picks for this weekend’s crunch Super 14 matches as the teams vie for semi final berths.
Force - Brumbies
The first challenge for the day is just getting up. Sleeping in is a real motivation killer, and gets you off on the wrong foot immediately.
Crusaders - Highlanders
Have a shower and get dressed - think to yourself ‘What if a potential interviewer called right now?’ You need to be ready.
Reds - Waratahs
Take a brisk walk to the shop for the paper. The cold air is invigorating and gets the mind active and sharp early. Get a couple of Peanut Slabs as a reward - you deserve it!
Lions - Stormers
Get the kettle on while making first scan of the situations vacant. Circle those that warrant further study.
Cheetahs - Bulls
Any sharp objects need to be locked away - NOW!
Sharks - Chiefs
It’s library Tuesday. Collect your books and check due dates for this week’s returns.
I’m taking on other Cricket bloggers in Sportsfreak’s Cricket tipping competition - the IPL of cricket tipping. I tip like Wendell Sailor trying to find the hotel loo in the dark after a three day bender, generally, but I’ve got a bad feeling about this, for two reasons:
1. On the *actually remembering to make picks* front, I’m shocking. This is also my achilles heel in the Virtual Super 14 (I only lasted one week this year before forgetting). I’ve already deleted the emailed questions for the first test.
2. I’d hate to jinx anyone. I’ve picked Ross Taylor to do well, so he’s bound to injure his wrist getting his passport out of his fanny pack or something.
The 17th at Sawgrass is the famous Island Green - given the chance, I’d make a complete hash of it I reckon - kind of like this guy.
After football on a Saturday, I’m often parked up in front of TV3’s three (three!) fishing shows waiting for the cramps to kick in - The ITM Fishing Show is definitely the best, new episodes are on now.
Some League guy kicks a goal. Is this news? He’s a prop, so yeah.
Bugger GTA IV - did you know it came out originally on the NES? I’m still stuck somewhere in between San Fierro and Las Venturas in GTA San Andreas.
The Kiwis talk victory chances.
Kiwis rookies Isaac Luke, Setimata Sa and Jason Nightingale feel light thrashing best case scenario.
Kangaroos: Daggy uniforms biggest barrier to victory.
Wayne Bennett - easily distracted.
A Mormon missionary stands at your door and enthuses about an expanded Super 14 to establish rapport.
G’day my main mate.
Did you hear? 18 teams in the Super 14. No bull-pucky. You gotta hand it to the Rugby Union - there’s nothing can’t be made better with more teams and more games. Eh. That total entertainment package just got WAY more sick.
I mean, take the Super 12. I loved it. I LOVED IT! But a man soon got to thinking if, say, the Hurricanes could beat Perth. At Rugby. Or, how New South Wales would handle a composite team drawing its players from the Free State and Northern Cape Provinces. And whaddayaknow, SANZAR came to the party. Me and my buddies settled a few bets, lemme tell ya.
And the Tri-Nations? More games means more EXTREME. Yeah! Mate.
Look at Baseball, that’s like, 160 games a year. You could have a Super 160. Imagine the Hastings Razorbacks’ rush defence facing off with the Tamworth Rhinestones’ back row. Woah. Mate. Rugby Union in your face once again.
Back at the dorm, Elder Barry says a Super 18 is a poke in the eye of all right thinking Rugby fans, possibly the most moronic move ever, and it makes him want to start watching ‘poofball’, whatever that is.
I say - gimme five! Or gimme 18, if that was anatomically possible. Eh.
Remember that time Cullen lost the ball over the line? At least he’s not this guy. He knows, even in mid-air, the people in green inflatable hats are going to be very disappointed with him. The words you, utter, utter and penis spring to mind
There’s little doubt Peter Schmeichel is a deeply complicated man - amazing saves one minute, hilarious Manc-accented rapping about bacon with, bizarrely, a Robert Palmer-style entourage the next
That insane-jumpered Nelson Bays guy gets bowled over. He knows he’ll never hear the end of it from the instant it happens. He’s smiling, but he’s not happy
Tauranga man releases World Cup report
SRPA: Tauranga resident Ron Harshdial has released his own report on the 2007 All Blacks’ World Cup failure. ‘Why did we lose?, I’ll bloody tell you why’ astonishes in its’ detail, passion, page count and spelling.
Main points include ‘Not enough farmers in the team’, the things Harshdial would do to Wayne Barnes in a ‘dark alley’ scenario, and ‘Soft cocks. Just… soft cocks.’
Andrew Hore emerges favorably from the report, the seal shooting incident being seen as evidence of a will to win, while Harshdial maintains underwear models in the team should be slashed by 100%.
Parore regrets not slapping more team mates
In the aftermath of the IPL’s Harbajan Singh slap incident, former Black Cap Adam Parore admitted today he would love to have slapped several team mates in his international career. He told reporters: “You can DO that? Yeah… yeah…” with a faraway look in his eye.
Parore added that these days, he wouldn’t mind slapping Mike Pero.
