Hurricanes fan replaces TV with fur seal

NEWSDESK: Wellington man and Hurricanes fan Dave Bleak has taken the radical step of replacing his Samsung 42” C450 Plasma TV with a mature NZ fur  seal.

Bleak maintains that adding a common New Zealand Fur Seal, which has large sharp teeth and can bite when it feels threatened, to his home entertainment centre will provide broadly the same experience as following the Wellington-based Super Rugby outfit.

“I’ll always be a Hurricanes fan, but after nearly two decades I think my entertainment dollar is best spent on a seal.” said Bleak. “Like the Hurricanes, you never know if it’s going to clap, balance a ball on its nose or bite you on the arse.  It’s an excitement machine.”

Industry analysts don’t see fans replacing their TVs with fin-footed carnivorous marine mammals as a trend, but point out savvy operators could offer “Seals Get In Free” match days specials to lure fans back, as well as tapping into the marine life enthusiasts demographic.

Magical not-much-mystery tour

In Australia, the dossier on the South Africans has got a lot of coverage, after being carefully couriered leaked to an eager Aussie media. The document seems to mainly prescribe:

a. short pitched bowling, and

b. sledging

…which makes you wonder if the jandal-lickers’ tactics have moved on since the days of Ian Chappell etc. It’s as innovate as wandering into the Aussie’s dressng room and shouting ‘everyone grow a moustache!’. Still, it should be a fantastic series for cricket lovers bored with watching Sri Lankan groundsmen moving covers about.

 
 Picture included mainly because of ‘how awesome is this?’

The All Blacks have been on a full on Scottish social media assault, instagramming the locals and digitally tweeting themselves hoarse. Gone are the days when All Blacks like Meads, Lochore or Murdoch would turn up in the mother country to glower at the press and organise a big pub fight before boarding the plane having not actually said *anything* over the two months’ tour.

The All Blacks’ end of year tour has fallen into a fairy comfortable routine now, we either do the ‘warm up by smashing a couple of easy beats, before playing Wales then England’ or the grand slam, which is pretty much the same thing. Australia and South Africa do the same, which must be pretty depressing for the about-to-play-the-Six-Nations locals. Imagine if some guys turned up and smashed us for a month just before we played the Rugby Championship. More depressing than being Clive Woodward I’d imagine.

I’ll leave you with Rod Stewart crying, probably the best sporting thing that actually happened this week:

Judiciary awards Higginbotham two weeks on the Gold Coast for kicking McCaw in the balls

NEWSDESK: Player’s Association officials were questioning the SANZAR judiciary’s decision to punish Wallaby flanker Scott Higginbotham with two weeks’ all expenses paid holiday on the Gold Coast complete with Platinum Class VIP casino access and the use of a sweet 1975 Holden Monaro GTS V8, for kicking All Black captain Richie McCaw in the balls during the final Bledisloe test.

“We’re struggling to see the logic of sending Higginbotham to the Gold Coast when Richie is still questioning his will to live,” said New Zealand Professional Rugby Players’ Association chief Rob Nichol. “We’d expect more punitive measures to be handed down after such a heavy blow to our captain’s family jewels.”

McCaw refused to be drawn into the debate, but pointed out that the judiciary handed Conrad Smith an eight week suspension for an “aggressive nose clearance” infringement and called for some guidance and consistency.

The controversial decision comes on the back of Springbok prop Dean Grayling receiving a Great White Shark dive cage experience and ticker tape parade through Pretoria for gratuitously raking McCaw’s eyes with the referee’s whistle during a Rugby Championship encounter in Dunedin.

“Guys, what happened to ‘let’s win it for Kevvy?'” with Kevin Mealamu

OPINION: So last week it was all “Kevin Mealamu, great man. Kevin Mealamu, 100 tests. Kevin Mealamu, let’s mark the milestone properly.”

What was that bullshit all about? Just some crap for the TV guys eh? Yeah definitely.

All your old mate Kevvy wanted on Saturday night was one win for me. Just one win. Don’t reckon that’s too much to ask when I’ve spent 100 tests getting kicked in the face to get you guys the ball. Instead, everyone shows up and plays like they’re drunk on cough medicine.

I mean, Richie and Mils got their silver hats during the world cup. That was awesome. My 100th match winds up being some bullshit draw in Aussie. Ten years time, no-one’s going to talk about Kevin Mealamu’s 100th match, they’ll be taking about drawing with some shit-arse team.

Sucks to be Kevvy eh. Thanks heaps.

It’s great to be an All Black and that, but you try sharing your spot with Horey. Nothing against the guy, but you imagine training, eating your breakfast and trying to get on and off the bus safely next to a guy like that. He just doesn’t seem that stable some mornings, eh. He’s got guns at home.

I’d like to see Richie concentrate on being Captain Wonderballs with someone half decent up his arse. Every other good openside over the last few years has been ‘disappeared’ pretty much eh. Who’s seen Marty Holah lately? Just pointing it out.

I wear black on the outisde ‘cos black is how I feel on the inside.

So we have a sponsor on the All Black jersey now. It’s actually remarkable that we’ve held out this long without but in true NZRFU / Eden Park hot dog style, now we’ve decided to cash in, we’ve done it in a shamelessly revenue-grabbing / shit on tradition manner. I’m sure (actually I have no idea) that AIG are a fine multinational insurance conglomerate, but do they belong on what’s arguably little old New Zealand’s national symbol? ‘No’ is the answer you’re looking for.

In fairness, I’m struggling to think of a sponsor the NZ ‘sporting’ ‘public’ would have been more accepting of. In my sportreview.net.nz fantasy land (a magical place where work never gets in the way of sitting around watching sport and sleeping, and couches are made of pies), the All Blacks run out with the Four Square guy on their chests, and not a fucked up Dick Frizzell one either. Somehow though, I doubt that friendly grocer could match AIG’s financial muscle.

Hadyn commissioned the below poorly photoshopped contribution to his black jersey rant at Public Address.

 

 

 

Public enemy number one

The biggest villain in NZ sport isn’t Eden Park hot dogs or Stephen Jones’ Twitter account. Not since we turned on that stupid Tiger Woods for the way he treated the always-cheerful Stevie Williams has NZ been as united in its scorn for an athlete. Office prophets of doom around the country who’d put the boot into Adams like they were starting a troublesome motorcycle, immediately got in behind Adams and turned their scorn-lasers on Ostapchuk.

sportreview.net.nz guide to things Kiwis have compared Nadzeya Ostapchuk to:

 
 Spinal Tap’s Nigel Tufnel (h/t Public Address)
 
 A very masculine man.
 
 A fridge / freezer unit.

The situation now is that Ostapchuk has gone totally troppo in Belarus, refusing to hand over the medal and alleging Adams is ‘totally’ on drugs. NZ’s sporting media were quick to move from their previous ‘reporting the news’ responsibilities to ‘defending Valerie’s honour’ responsibilities, labelling the accusations a ‘pack of lies’ and labelling Ostapchuk ‘troppo’ so that Adams didn’t have to. Adams’ ‘4 more yrs lol’ texts to Ostapchuk went largely unreported.

In the national game, Steve ‘sleepy’ Hansen faced off against Robbie ‘no mates’ Deans for the first time in the opening Bledisloe. Deans is as popular as jandal snot in Australia for his coaching ‘record’ in Australia, making a list of All Blacks Australians love to hate. In fairness to Robbie, ‘rugby public hating the national coach’ has always been a key factor in New Zealand rugby, so he appears to be on the right track. On Saturday’s performance, Deans has lured the rusty All Blacks into a false sense of security of full blanket, milo and Coro levels. If Robbie was hoping to turn the tables on NZ at world cup time, he obviously missed the memo that tournament took place last year, and you have to question the advice he’s getting.

Championes

This feels unusual. The Chiefs’ normal role in the scheme of things is starting slow, get our act together mid-way through, knock over the NZ teams heading for the play-offs, then have a bitter, nothing in it, game with the Hurricanes. Which we usually lose.

Which is why the sight of our guys dancing around the Waikato Stadium turf in triumph is a bit of a shock. The 2012 Chiefs had a new coach, lots of new faces and supposedly lacked horse power in the pack, who’d struggle to get ball to the backline, who were full of good looking razzle dazzle, but unproven as a combination.

IMAG0116
The office-worker-rugby-guy’s version of a MySpace self portrait

Turns out that was all bollocks. Rennie, Wayne Smith and Tom Coventry have created:

a) a forward pack that smashed the fearsome Crusaders in Napier early on, and turned over most everyone that came their way since (except for the *ahem* Crusaders in the last but one round)

b) a backline that survived Kahui’s season ending injury, with the new guys performing just as capably as the super stars, and super stars Williams and Cruden reaching new levels of, ah, super stardom, and

c) a team culture that from the outside (and on the Twitter) seems like family. Watch the team song, and AWESOME haka – it’s more feel good than Winnie The Pooh meeting ET

The Chiefs were consistent (pretty much) all season. Bouncing back from the thrashing by the Reds away was significant to me. They’d been flying high until then, and that was the point where the Chiefs of old’s wheels would have fallen off – but they didn’t, surviving even some late-season wobbles against the Crusaders and Hurricanes to secure the home finals spot. I don’t think I’ve ever enjoyed a rugby match less than the one versus the Crusaders. They’re the Jason Voorhees of semi-final rugby – no matter how many times you chop their head off and throw them in the lake, they’re likely to be back two minutes later to jump out of a wardrobe armed with a meat cleaver.

But the Chiefs hung on, and rode their luck to get the home final. Despite some good work in the first half, the frequent-flyer Sharks had no answer to the Chiefs’ pack, and the backs did enough in the slippery conditions to take their first trophy, and becoming the third NZ team to win the title (I’m magnanimously not inserting a big Hurricanes-troll at this point).

Rennie has done OK for his first season to say the least. Even though we’re saying goodbye to some key players, the team is more youthful than McDonalds counter staff for the most part. Retallick, Tameifuna, Kerr-Barlow and Cane (who’s seemingly played more for the All Blacks than the Chiefs) are all at the very start of their careers, while Cruden, who seems to have been around forever, is actually only just old enough to shave. There’s no doubt we’ll miss Sonny Bill, both for his distracting presence on the field and the bums he puts on seats. It’d be great if he’s genuine about wanting to come back.

Still best rugby stadium in NZ cc @chiefsrugby

It’s a good time to be from the Waikato. I made it to two matches this year – the basketball-on-grass match versus the Blues at Albany, and the late competition match versus the Crusaders. Waikato Stadium is a pit of facepaint, flags, Waikato Draught gear and cowbells – hard to take if you support the opposition, but magic if you’re from round our way. The stadium is the right size to sell out regularly, and is just bloody LOUD – it’s a huge advantage to us, and it looked like a Hamilton-as-Rio cow cocky carnival last night.

And so, just after our netballers won NZ’s first transtasman netball trophy, the Chiefs are on top of super rugby for the first time. The only way it could have been any sweeter would have meant Stephen Donald somehow kicking the final points, but *cough* this’ll do. I hope it’s the first of a few more.

Henry: “Dickhead reffed 2007 quarter final”

NEWSDESK: Former All Black coach Graham Henry has revealed he became physically sick when he realised the IRB had appointed a dickhead to officiate the All Blacks 2007 world cup quarter final match against France. “Watching the tape, I counted 40 missed penalties, and that pass was a mile forward for the try. Dickhead. Even Raewyn thought so,” said Henry.

“If a bloke is that much of a dickhead, you’ve got to question his ability to ref a world cup quarter final.”

An IRB official who did not wish to be named, ruled out any behind the scenes dickhead-conspiracy. “Rugby prides itself as a sport in which everyone can participate, including dickheads. Wayne is living proof being a dickhead is no barrier to becoming an international referee.” Current All Black coach Steve Hansen refused to be drawn on Barnes, saying he’d prefer to concentrate on the dickheads his team were likely to face in the rugby championship.

Henry’s book (“What A Flamin’ Dickhead” – AKLGrammar Press, $35.99) presents more evidence on the Barnes-dickhead theory, including Barnes’ high-waisted shorts and running style.

Trolling through the issues

There’s a new dawn in Auckland. It’s not a second harbour crossing made up of trained dolphins ferrying commuters to the city on their backs (sounds cheap Mr Joyce!), or a ‘no arseholes’ rule in the Viaduct, set to transform the area into Tuesday night Invercargill main street within a week.

No, it’s the return of the prodigal son, world cup winner John ‘mad butcher’ Kirwan, back from Italy and Japan and, much to Twitter and headline writers’ amusement – the abyss.

 

The best thing for Kirwan is there’s no matches for almost a year – the feelgood factor the Blues could generate by not actually playing rugby could well last until twenty minutes into their first match in 2013.

I hope JK goes well – but posts like these and comments like these it’s clear the Warriors, who announced a series of youth programme and community initiatives last week are miles ahead in the having-your-shit-together metric. Except for on the field. No-one has their shit together there.

In rugby-teams-that-are actually-playing news, the sportreview-approved Chiefs go into Friday night’s big ‘clash’ as underdogs, thanks to the Crusaders’ cheating ways. In a DAMMING EXPOSE, stuff.co.nz’s EPIC TROLL Mark Reason details all the ways the Crusaders have CHEATED their way to seven titles, including:

 
Waiting in the car park before games to influence referees by beating them up.
 
‘Signalling’ at Bridge

If the Chiefs do overcome the CHEATING Crusaders and go on to win the title, the Chiefs players would no doubt run into the chicks from the Magic, who’d still be downtown on the daiquiris after winning the ANZ Netball Championship. If the Chiefs and the Magic were to go full-Mad Monday together, it could result in a generation of Waikato sporting superstars that would dominate the national sporting scene for decades to come. sportreview.net.nz’s postion is: this must happen.

Epic troll is epic.