Author: Richard Irvine

Links on Friday

– Turns out Youtube is a cavalcade of sledging – there’s Freddie Flintoff dealing to a junior West Indian, Kumar Sangakkara’s mental disintegration of Shaun Pollack in the last World Cup, but the best is Mark Boucher – that is HARSH
– John McEnroe loses it – he even has a pop at the crowd
– This table football table is the business – it’s a pretty fun game if you can get over that whole Joey / Chandler thing. Still, if you’ve got the room there’s no excuse for not going for a pool table, really
– A compilation of every single death from the Friday 13th films – this brings back some happy, happy memories
– Chrysler halts production of neck belts – Whew
– 60 things worth shortening your life for – some of those burgers look gooood

England lose, un-invent cricket. World Cup thrown into chaos


SRNZPA: In a bold move, England un-invented Cricket following their crushing nine wicket defeat at the hands of South Africa. Former ECB Chairman David Morgan told reporters “Our supporters have long faced taunts about England inventing the game, but being crap at it. Well, sod you lot quite frankly, we can ruddy well un-invent it. That is all.” When pressed further while leaving the press conference, a clearly tired and emotional Morgan blurted “You Aussies think you’re so smart – well stick this up your jacksie, Trev.” before being quickly lead away.

Chartered accountant Micheal Vaughan said “Obviously we’ll take full responsibility for ending Cricket forever – that’s life. Batting first after winning the toss wasn’t the best move, but hindsight’s 20/20 isn’t it? We just have to make the best of it.” Yorkshire plumber Andrew Flintoff: “Well the lads are pretty disappointed at how its worked out, but we mustn’t grumble, we’d had a good innings. We’ll always have fond memories of 2005, and that WAS a tremendous piss-up afterwards.”

“I’m absolutely devastated” responded Malcom Speed, unemployed. “One or two results have gone against England, and they’ve made what must have been an extremely tough decision. We’d bought the finest around to the Carribean for a carnival of Cricket, now we’ve just got a bunch of guys in tracksuits buying duty free booze. It’s a nightmare.”

Former Cricketers may not be out of a job if Saatchi & Saatchi Chief Executive Kevin Roberts’ planned breakaway sport “Loveball” gets off the ground. “Oh boy, I am super, super stoked! You guys are gonna love it! I haven’t been this excited since the Gillette Fusion razor! Woooooooo! Yeah! Woooooooo!” enthused Roberts before spontaneously exploding.

The repercussions of this unprecedented move will be felt far and wide, with Lords, Home Of Cricket facing a future as Lords, Home Of Gardening, and Rugby and Netball administrators fearing copycat uninventings before their own world cups later this year. The Channel Nine commentary team are now lobbying Rugby League for a job, with Tony Grieg making a breakaway bid for Polo and Basketball.

Abramovich quiz


What’s happening in this picture?

a) Chelsea FC Chairman Roman Abramovich celebrates his team’s progress to the FA Cup final with a late, late, winner against Blackburn on Sunday?

b) Russian Oil magnate Roman Abramovich checks out the crude oil prices?

c) Zombie overlord Roman Abramovich receives word his rouge scientist working feverishly in a Siberian lab is nearing completion of the super virus that, when released into the world’s water supply, will turn the population into brain eating walking dead trained to do his bidding?

d) Bad boy Roman Abramovich orders his KGB-trained bodyguard (front) to beat someone up?

Links on Friday

An utterly crap start to today, flipping between Sri Lanka thrashing NZ and Spurs going out of Europe. The only thing that could have made it worse would be if Rove came in and shat on the rug. Here’s some links, anyway…
– Matthew Hayden is the form batsman of the tournament so far – still, he’s pretty easy to wind up, as England find out, not to mention Glenn McGrath, age 12.
– A frankly stunning goal by Ricardo Quaresma – the ball seems to slow down in mid-flight
– Gazza’s semi final free kick – just to cheer me up
– Turns out Tiger did win the Masters after all – “I even came in second with all the strain, and I’m Tiger Woods”
– Vampire hunting kits – I would have LOVED one when I was 10. Bloody handy though, as we get into those cold winter nights
– Griffiths Games Megamart – the Brit gaming industry at its finest

World Cup upsets continue unabated – Australia lift ICC Pub Quiz trophy


SRNZPA: The little fancied Australians won the ICC World Cup Pub Quiz in the Barbados Holiday Inn’s conference rooms 3 & 4 last night. They beat pre-quiz favourites South Africa in a play off round, with the closest guess to the 1893 invention of Peanut Butter. This was a massive boost for Australia, who have an ignominious record in competition requiring brains, while South Africa added to their history of failing at the final hurdle.

A jubilant Ricky Ponting told journalists “The boys are made up. No-one gave us a VB’s chance in Warney’s fridge to win, but we showed some real ticker in here to pull it out. Every Australian can be proud of their team. We’re going to enjoy ourselves tonight, yeah.”

Australia were almost written off early, making schoolboy errors like identifying Bob Hawke as The Muppet Show’s Sam the Eagle in the world leaders round. Crucially, their choice of double point Joker round was ‘Offensively Moronic Commentators’, in which the Channel Nine team featuring heavily.

South Africa established a massive lead early on, before being slowly dragged back to the pack. Sean Pollock proved his worth as a world class all rounder in the music round, picking up a Stock, Aitken Waterman hat trick of Kylie Minouge, Sinitta and the Reynolds Girls in quick succession. “There are a lot of long faces at that table” admitted Pollock. “I’m disappointed ‘cos we haven’t learned from our mistakes – I’m not looking forward to facing the music back home.”

Dark Horses New Zealand made the semi finals with a minimum of fuss, and were many critic’s choice for the title, but spectacularly collapsed on the ‘Celebrity Babies’ round. Stephen Fleming said “I’m gutted, Ham Marshall bought a stack New Ideas with him, and I thought our gossip was going to very, very strong indeed. We argued and argued over Bruce Willis and Demi Moore’s kids names. I wrote down Scout, but Macca rubbed it out and put Brownie. That’s quizzing, I guess.”

Abramovich: Werewolf


Check out this photo of Chelsea FC’s sugar daddy Roman Abramovich at his first wedding – I reckon he’s a werewolf, eh.

That would explain a lot.

UPDATE: Holy. Shit. The shaved werewolf might have fooled (and possibly devoured) one unfortunate Russian bride, but now he’s going out with a Zombie! Check out that brain-hungry mouth, the dead, dead eyes and listing posture. She is FULLY a Zombie. What’s going on at Stamford Bridge? And why does Roman look so pleased? What does he know that we don’t? Does that smug, far-away look in his eyes mean he’s dreaming of a post-zombie-infestation apocalyptic world where he rules the few survivors through a callous blend of terror, fear and ritual humiliation? I think we should be told.

Links on Friday (on Thursday)

– The Masters, my favorite Major is on this weekend – here’s Tiger with THAT chip from 2005. I love the way the camera shakes just after it goes in
– Speaking of which, Golf is manly blog Dethroner’s theme this week – it’s aimed more at guys not wanting to look like a dick in front of the boss or prospective father in law than hardcore golfers. Ahem. Still, there’s good advice on getting kitted up, including buying drivers, irons, used clubs, and balls.
– All Black selectors uncut – apparently there’s rugby on at the moment too. Here’s an entertaining write up from some guy who found himself sitting in front of Graham Henry and Wayne Smith at Saturday’s Chiefs v Blues match
– Harry Redknapp gets smacked in the face – I liked it when he tries to keep on doing the interview, but has to turn around and give out more verbal. Class
– Some great passing – football teams kick it around a bit. I could watch clips like this all day long
– Scarlett Johansson – the question we’re all asking (possible NSFW language)

Black Caps to meet France in Super Surprise round


SRNZPA: Following wins over England, Canada, Kenya and Bangladesh, the Black Caps will now meet France at Antigua & Barbuda on April 23. This match is part of the ‘Super Surprise’ round to be played between the conclusion of the Super 8s and the Semi Finals. Other fixtures include Australia v Mexico, South Africa v Fiji and Sri Lanka v Norway.

The Super Surprise round had been kept under wraps until now, and is designed to re-ignite interest in a tournament that’s come under heavy criticism for its confusing format and sparse crowds. “And you thought we we had nothing” said ICC chief executive Malcolm Speed.

Ashburton man disagrees with Sir Vivian Richards, Ian Chappell on Black Caps’ prospects


SRNZPA: Ashburton resident Don MacFarlane has spoken out against 1977 Wisden Cricketer of the Year Viv Richards’ glowing assessment of New Zealand’s Cricket World Cup chances, claiming “They’ll still fuck it up from here”. Richards, who scored 8540 runs in his glittering test career was quoted today as saying “I like New Zealand’s approach, they’re quietly bubbling away, making no noise, and getting stronger by the day”. “Bullfarkinshit” said MacFarlane.

The Ashburton barber and Lions club member of 25 years poured scorn on Richard’s view that “You just get the feeling they’re peaking at the right time, and they’ve got all contingencies covered”. “He’s talking out his arse – the day the Black Caps win the World Cup is the day I run down the main drag with a bloody Blues jersey on. No way, mate.”

MacFarlane’s claims are based on historical precedents. “We had it on a plate in ’92. Playing at home on our pitches, with our crowds, we never had it better. We just need to put the foot on Pakistan’s throat, but it all turned to shit. 99? Farked it up. 2003? Farked it up.” said MacFarlane, who added this was “typical” and that the Black Caps were “a pack of farkin chokers”.

The former Shirley lock forward was equally scathing about former Australian Test Skipper Ian Chappell’s assessment that “only New Zealand has the skill and courage to challenge Australia in the World Cup cricket final”. “Whatever” retorted the South Island-based fuckwit. “That’s the biggest lot of shit I’ve ever heard”, adding “they’ll all be injured by the time we play a decent team, anyway.”

Links on Friday

– Borat learns cricket – some great condescension from the old battler here. “Just watch. WATCH”
– Some guy skis down Angel tube station escalator – If you’ve been there, you’ll know this escalator is BIG
– Irish Cyclist Sean Kelly’s legendary downhill pursuit in 1992 – Insane. I’m in the process of getting a Vitus 979, Kelly’s bike, back on the road
– Unintentionally hilarious comic book panels – MORE innocent childhood memories destroyed. Thanks, Internet!
– William Spencer: freaky skateboarder – things have moved on since my day. Whatever happened to the Bones Brigade?
– HDTV FAQ – thinking of upgrading to High Def for the World Cup? You’ll want to read this. Did you know the ‘p’ in 1080p stands for ‘purchase’?
– Tarantino and Rodriguez’s favorite movie posters – Dawn of the Dead is on there, obviously