Author: Richard Irvine

Workmates say sub-phenomenal Crusaders supporter to blame for semi final defeat


SRNZPA: Inventory manager Nick Ungar, 38, is largely to blame for the Crusaders’ exit from the Super 14 at the semi final stage according to staff at Christchurch’s Star Paper Ltd. The Crusaders have long counted on their phenomenal fans, and Ungar’s less than wholehearted support is being seen in a decisive factor in the loss to the Bulls in Pretoria.

Star’s accounts receivable supervisor Dave Goodman held an inpromtu post mortem around the photocopier and concluded Ungar’s lack of commitment has cost the franchise a record seventh title. “What’s the first thing Richie or Robbie says when they win? Yip, ‘I’d like to thank the fans’. There’s no way we can win otherwise. No way”. Goodman went on to explain that he wasn’t crying, he just had something in his eye.

Incidents that seemed merely strange at the time are now being viewed as turning points in the season, like Ungar’s Monday morning enquiry of the score between the Crusaders and the Bulls in the round robin. He also asked “Who’s Chris Jack ?” when the legendary lock’s knee injury was featured on pages 1, 2, 3, 9, and 23 of the Christchurch Press.

“I knew he wasn’t right at on ‘Wear your jersey to work. A Crusaders jersey.’ day” said social club organiser Gareth Buck. “He came in some kind of Squash club tracksuit top – it was red and black alright, but the sleeves were green. I had him on about it and he kind of went ‘oh, really?’ and kept on checking his email. I’m not surprised we lost. Not fucking surprised at all”.

The final straw came when Ungar failed to join a team outing to Jade Stadium for the Chiefs match, instead preferring to celebrate his fifth wedding anniversary by taking his wife to dinner. That decision was to cost the Crusaders the advantage of a home semi final and ultimately the title. “What a girl” said Goodman, adding “If he doesn’t get on board at World Cup time and we lose, he’s dead meat”.

The Crusaders organisation have made it clear they take a dim view. “Other teams shit themselves when they play us as they know the whole Canterbury public are behind the boys. The WHOLE public, not just those that can be bothered” said a Crusaders spokesman. “If Ungar doesn’t wake the fuck up we’ll be forced to review Star Paper Ltd’s supply of posters, mini-rugby balls and inflatable swords”. Former players Justin Marshall and Andrew Merthens released a joint statement warning the franchise’s catchment area that behaviour like Ungar’s is directly responsible for senior players seeking playing opportunites overseas.

Links on Friday

Good luck to the Blues and Crusaders in SA – it’s tough in the Republic, so I’ve pasted a ‘cartoon’ I did a coupla years ago below, enjoy…
– White men can’t jump – har, he looks like Wil E. Cyote jumping off a cliff the way his little legs keep going
– A pretty sweet goal – don’t see too many of these
– Full Metal Jacket for the Wii – Kubrick moves into the video game market
– The Host – this Korean horror looks pretty sweet, it’s out now, as recommended by Fabian Fanboy

Hawera man planning to watch Super 14 Semis despite late kick off, chopping piss


SRNZPA: Harewa resident Mark ‘Gates’ Gately is cautiously optimistic of staying awake to watch television coverage of this weekend’s Super 14 Semi Finals from South Africa. With the Blues and Sharks kicking off at 1am NZ standard time followed by The Bulls versus the Crusaders at 3.30am, Gately sees remaining conscious for both matches as a realistic goal, despite getting right off his chops. “This is where the years of experience start to pay off”.

Gately, who lives alone, admits to mistakes in the past. “I thought I did everything right for the World Cup Final in 95 – came home early, TV on, I’d just sat down and cracked open a Tui… next thing it’s 6 o’ bloody clock in the morning. Those two steak and cheese from the servo did me in – schoolboy error, that.”

Golden oldies team mate Dave McFee clearly believes “Soft bollock” Gately will fall asleep. “If he makes it through both semis, I’ll go to prize giving in farkin’ make-up. He’s piss weak, that’s his problem”. McFee feels he’s identified some fatal flaws in the plan despite Gately’s optimism. “He’ll have a few pints, couple of pies, lights out. Same old story – he’s got no show.”

Gately feels meticulous preparation is crucial to enjoying rugby when totally shitfaced. “I’ve got the lounge all kitted out. After Dawn moved out I moved the ‘fridge and microwave into the lounge – I’ve heaps of coke, coffee and baked beans ready to go. And Bourbon. As long as I leave the club rooms across the field and avoid the service station and the pies, I’ll be right”.

Any rugby watched after 8.30pm will be a reversal of recent form, following his protracted snoring through Chiefs v Crusaders, the second half of Hurricanes v NSW, almost all of the Cricket World Cup and his nephew Daryl’s 21st birthday celebrations.

Utter devastation, woe for New Zealand Rugby as Dan Carter heads overseas


The very future of our national game plunged deep into the shit when it was revealed star first five Dan Carter is heading overseas. He joins the legions of players, including current All Blacks Chris Jack, Aaron Mauger and Byron Kelleher who are heading overseas, to take up the barely comprehensibly massive packages on offer to top players in this day and age. Rugby insiders say scouts from big spending clubs in England and France spend most of their time licking their lips at the prospect of getting their filthy hands on the All Blacks, often while drinking wine or warm beer.

New Zealand, a small green country at the end of the earth with only four million people whose spirit was forged from this rugged land with number eight wire ingenuity, cannot hope to retain their Weet-Bix raised top players on the puny Kiwi dollar. Carter’s news should see every single New Zealander, including Kiwis living offshore and those too young to fully understand, unable to sleep tonight.

Carter confirmed yesterday he was heading overseas: “Yeah, I’m going to South Africa for the Super 14 Semi and maybe the Final. I’ll be back there for the Tri Nations, and Aussie too. Then there’s the World Cup of course, which is in France. I may get one of those cheap deals to Fiji at the end of the year, we’ll see how it goes”.

What’s Roman thinking?


Ken Bates *Watching football*

Woman in the middle *Watching football, slightly distracted by schoolgirl-ish giggling on her left, feels cold and her knuckles are white from clutching handrail – not quite sure why*

Roman Abaramovich *Thinking about tonight, when under the cover of darkness he’ll hide behind trees in Hyde Park and leap out screaming to frighten strolling lovers before running away laughing manically, knuckles dragging, leaving his minders to erase their memories with fists and boots*

Links on Friday

– Keano v Viera – the best bit’s when Gary “Rocky” Neville tries to get involved. Roy Keane is a legend – if you’re a fan at all, read this book.
– Sportsfreak’s Comical Braces – World Cup round up. Apparently it was all a glorious triumph!
– America’s Most Suspicious – har
– Ping Pong balls thrown into beer cups – who says recreational drugs kill your motivation?
– I’m off to see Dylan Moran on Thursday – can’t wait. Here’s one of Black Books’ best bits
– Sweet-ass ice sculptures I’m going to make with a chainsaw one day – har

Gravel in my ice cream – Cricket World Cup roundup

If this long summer’s Cricket was a relationship, the BNZ series was meeting at a party when too drunk to talk, the Commonwealth Bank series was a ‘getting to know you’ dinner and movie without being asked in for coffee, Chappell-Hadlee was getting drunk and swimming naked, the World Cup was slowly realising something just wasn’t right, while McCullum sweeping Muralitharan down square leg’s throat in the Semi was getting a fax with “YOU’RE DUMPED! LOL!” on it.

So that’s it – we’re third in the world, which is arguably a great result for us – but I don’t feel like arguing, I feel like staying in my room for the weekend, wearing black and listening to The Smiths. It feels about as appealing as yesterday’s Asparagus rolls given 6 minutes in the microwave. The whole tournament has been, well, a bit shit, with empty stadiums, the early exits of Pakistan and India, the poor form of the hosts, England and South Africa adding up to make this tournament drag on more than a trip to Bed, Bath and Beyond “just to see what’s there”. This is all underlined by Bob Woolmer’s death and subsequent botched-up investigation, the exact opposite of what this enthusiastic and wise cricket man deserved.

New Zealand were consistent but not world beaters – and it was our old friends the Aussies and Sri Lankans that dented and finally totalled all that optimism that ‘this could be our year’. This sucks, because we’ve played them loads this summer – yet our guys were just as clueless about Malinga and Muralitharan’s bowling in the semi final as in January. We had some great moments, but like a steak sandwich made from Richard Loe’s jandals – this season’s best bits were in the middle (the Chappell-Hadlee series was just thrilling), with nasty business at the start and end.

Fleming took responsibility and his reign as captain of the one day side is over, but he was was hardly alone in a ‘New Zealand top order batsman not scoring runs’ club. Fleming was chucked in as captain as a 23 year old, and lead us to two World Cup semi finals and an ICC trophy. It’s a real shame we missed out on that test series win in Australia in 2001, Fleming deserves better than Richard Boock’s unreadable book and some of the most bizarre endorsement choices around (Dressing as a can of Rexona? Flogging air conditioners backed by country singers? “Thanks, Mr Hooker!”???) to remember him by.

I feel like that dreadlocked groundsman at the final putting the 30 yard circle back out when the umpires had finished fucking around – I’ve had enough Cricket for the moment, and I’m sure I’m not alone. I’m glad Malcom Speed and his crew were roundly booed at the final presentation – lucky the crowd bought their torches, eh? The Guardian’s Gideon Haigh sums it up better than I can:

Maybe they saw this spectacle for what it was: a bunch of overcoached, overcooked lookalikes providing third-rate content for Rupert Murdoch. Perhaps the idea all along was to soften us up for the inexorable advance of Twenty20 cricket. It has never looked better.

When’s our next test series, anyway?

…

Ah well – that’s Cricket over with – bring on the Rugby. I’ve watched hardly any Super 14 this year, I feel the same way as when the Lions came out – there’ll be Rugby hysteria aplenty this year, so why not put it off as long as possible before succumbing? Following the Black Caps is about hoping for a miracle, while the All Blacks operate under grave, crushing, deadly, deadly serious and humour-free expectation. It’s still fun, mind, just different. I was really hoping for that Caribbean miracle, though. As a toe in a hot bath, I watched the Chiefs beat the Warratahs in a close, entertaining match on Friday evening, the kind they usually lose. It’s good to be back…

Links on Friday

– Diving is a blight on football – as always, when you need some simple, violence-based common sense, Mr. T comes to the rescue
– Wow – Argentinian Lionel Messi scores for Barcelona. Handily for The New Maradonna they’ve put his goal next to another famous Argentinian’s finest hour – uncanny
– Runout of the day – AB de Villiars with a runout David Blaine would be proud of (‘cos rarely for him, it wouldn’t be utter shit)
– Rio Ferdinand is a twat – reason # 378
– Rich guy wins yacht race – har
– Ever wondered what happened to Adam out of Adam and Joe? – now you know

Bay Of Plenty man torn between Cosmopolitan Club, couch for Cricket World Cup Semi Final


SRNZPA: Pensioner Barry McDonnell can’t decide between watching the Black Caps’ semi final appearance against Sri Lanka from a Mount Maunganui Cosmopolitan Club bar stool or his couch. “It’s a close call, I tell ya” he said today.

“At the bar, you’re getting all the atmosphere. They’ve got some pretty decent numbers for the second innings considering it starts at sparrow’s fart. We’re still going on that meat pack they raffled for the Ireland match, too”. The increased chances of alcohol consumption are a major factor in his decision. “If I’m at the bar, and we’re winning, I’ll probably have a jug. Be rude not to. Then again, I’ll probably have one if we’re losing too. Elsie’d kill me if I had a drink at home before midday” he said.

There are major doubts about his couch as a viable option. “At home you can concentrate on the match alright and see all the replays, but there’s about as much atmosphere as a Richard Petrie fan club AGM. Elsie will be asking where Chris bloody Harris is every five minutes, too.”

McDonnell concluded his wife’s concern about neighbours’ opinion of the deck that’s needed painting for three years while he’s sitting on his arse in the middle of the day, for heaven’s sake would curtail his enjoyment of the match and that “I’ll be at the Cossie. Fuck it.” He went on to express similar concerns about his ability to peacefully view this years’ America’s Cup yacht racing and Rugby World Cup. A TV in the shed was one option being considered.