Author: Richard Irvine

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Day one of the Australia v New Zealand test series

Well that went alright.

It’s only day one, but we mean business. Southee will sleep tonight untroubled by Ricky Ponting nightmares. Nightmares of Brett Lee formation dancing through a Bollywood number, but not Ricky. Brilliantly, Jesse Ryder has the Jerry Coney-like knack of picking up wickets, and seems to find it all a bit of a laugh, too. Having the Aussies in the field for two hundred odd is more that we could have hoped for, well done to Dan and his bowlers

There’s a loooong way to go in this game and series, but the chaps will take great heart from this, 10 wickets in hand makes a huge psychological difference. The three bloggers below, all vastly wiser than me on matters cricket, pick our opening partnerships as vital to our success. I’d like to see How and Redmond still there after an hour. At lunch, even. We need to take our time and make sure we get a first innings lead, especially if the pitch still has life. We saw how Australia responded to pressure in India, so let’s keep it up.

Proper cricket bloggers preview the series / summer:
CWB on how we can win (Aussies’ batting effort was as effective as JRod’s Mo, really)

Ben on reasonable achievements

Hamish McDouall with his predictions for the summer

I’ve also found cricinfo’s WAP site, perfect for keeping up if you’re dragged into a meeting: http://wap.cricinfo.com

Rules for watching the Grand Slam at my place


– You get here by 5.45am. You’re not here by 5.45am, it’s the car radio.

– Come alone. You bring the wife? You’re going home. Kids? You’re going home. That Welsh guy from your work? Home. Clear? Good.

– Bring beer.  Yeah it’s Sunday morning, but this is Rugby. We drink. There’ll be no ‘make one can last the whole game and pour most of it in the sink like the World Cup’, either. It’s three cans per half minimum, and I’m going to be watching you like a fucking hawk.

– You stay quiet while I’m arguing with the commentators unless you’re saying “yeah, Greg’, ‘that’s right, Greg’, ‘good point well made, Greg’, or ‘you should be the commentator, Greg’. I’ll be ringing Deaker after, too, don’t you worry.

– Seeing as you’re around here watching my Sky, I’m going to need $25. That’s half my month’s subscription. Not fair? An 18 month ban from the Rugby club for shit that was never proved’s not fair, either. Just cos a joker’s got spray can on him for a bit of DIY on Sunday doesn’t mean he’s sprayed ‘We Are All Qeers’ on Eastern’s coach. Does it? Didn’t think so.

– Choose one from ‘cell phone off’ or ‘painful kick in the nuts’.

– If the All Blacks win, we’re on the piss for the day, mate. You gotta celebrate. DIY, Kid’s day, blah blah blah, what are ya? We’re going to the RSA. You’re driving.

– If the All Blacks lose you need pack your shit and be out in 60 seconds, starting from final whistle. If I’ve got a whole day of staring angrily at the lawn mower ahead, I want an early start.

Links on Friday

As soon as sportreview jr is old enough, he’ll be doing this kind of thing. But more likely this.

Jimmy Conners is a legend.

Baseball is generally boring. However, I DO like the idea of people throwing peanuts at you.

Badly Injured Man Not Done Partying Yet – “I tried to tell him sprains don’t heal themselves, but he kept calling me a pussy and telling me to chug.” Ah, this takes me back.

UK Rugby fan wrong


Surrey resident Charles Chorltington-Worster resident today confirmed he lacks even basic knowledge of Rugby Union rules, tactics, players, coaches, referee’s calls and global pecking order. A lifelong England Rugby follower, Chorltington-Worster admitted to possessing less Rugby knowledge than a toaster. “I’m a typical Pommy Rugby aficionado, but I know sod all about it. Jolly poor show, what.” said Chortlington-Worster.

Speaking outside his local, The Buckteeth and Jodhpurs, Chortlington-Worster was only too happy to tell reporters his wrongness was total, utter, and retrospective, and the All Blacks were definitely poisoned in 1995, Tana tacked Brian fairly, Richie McCaw only plays to the limits of the laws, and Clive Woodward is crap.

The admission follows sterling work from New Zealand’s Grand Slam touring parties, unofficially recruited by the NZRFU to confront British fans in their places of work, pubs or homes, and point out they’re wrong. “We got briefed on the plane.” said Dave Gooseneck of Taranaki. “They told us ‘get stuck into the Poms and point out they’re wrong.’ Bloody oath I was keen, I was going to do it anyway.”

Gooseneck and his party were proud of their work so far in England and Scotland. “One Scottish wanker tried to tell me Jimmy Cowan wasn’t the best halfback in the world. I had the NZRFU Big Book Of Stats & Arguments out of me day pack in a flash. You should have seen his face.”

NZRFU CEO Steve Tew said the guerrilla campaign was yielding quick wins already. “Without going out and boiling the ocean, we’re seeing some real traction. By 2011, we could see UK coaches, administrators, even referees admitting they’re wrong. Licensing our methodology to other sports would be a big revenue opportunity, I’m sure Australian cricketers could adapt it for appeals, or self-righteous whinging. South Africa may be interested, but there’s a number of freelancers operating in this area there already.”