Author: Richard Irvine

Welcome to sportreview.net.nz - here's a bit about the site. Here I am on Twitter, or email me at richard (at) richardirvine dot com.

Hurricanes fan replaces TV with fur seal

NEWSDESK: Wellington man and Hurricanes fan Dave Bleak has taken the radical step of replacing his Samsung 42” C450 Plasma TV with a mature NZ fur  seal.

Bleak maintains that adding a common New Zealand Fur Seal, which has large sharp teeth and can bite when it feels threatened, to his home entertainment centre will provide broadly the same experience as following the Wellington-based Super Rugby outfit.

“I’ll always be a Hurricanes fan, but after nearly two decades I think my entertainment dollar is best spent on a seal.” said Bleak. “Like the Hurricanes, you never know if it’s going to clap, balance a ball on its nose or bite you on the arse.  It’s an excitement machine.”

Industry analysts don’t see fans replacing their TVs with fin-footed carnivorous marine mammals as a trend, but point out savvy operators could offer “Seals Get In Free” match days specials to lure fans back, as well as tapping into the marine life enthusiasts demographic.

You spin me round like a GIF

Once, GIFs were simply jokey pictures on the internet, like so:

 

Now, the whole internet is GIFs. Which is great, because a GIF’s repetition allows you to appreciate the intricacies and combinations of skill that make up a goal, for example.

 

Or combining the action to highlight Things Like This, tough to do in any other medium:

 

It’s a new way of telling a story. It’s also a new and great way of making sportsmen look silly.

 

They’re also wonderful for making poetry from easily missed moments off-field, like crowd catches…

 

…on-field catches…

 

….people getting hit in the face…

 

…and Arsene Wenger having trouble operating a pocket competently.

 

There’s obviously room for the weird and wonderful. This is quite fantastic:

 

As is this. Sign him up.

 

And in case you ever wondered if Batman colour co-ordinates his boardies to his utility belt when surfing, now you know.

 

 

MCC fashion: Tremendous or Poor Show?

The Lord’s test has revived my love for the MCC members and their attire.

 
 David Shepherd – “Oi mate, you’re not getting in here without one of these.”

The Marylebone Cricket Club colours are a kind of orange-y red and a kind of mustard-y yellow, generally worn on a tie or a blazer on match days at Lord’s.

Despite belonging to one of the most traditionally rigid sporting bodies on the globe, deep down MCC members are non-conformists to a man (or a lady), chortling at the constraints of conventional fashion and incorporating the famous ‘bacon and egg’ colours into a galaxy of garments and accessories.

And so, sportreview.net.nz presents a review of the MCC’s most fashion forward accouterments – rated ‘Tremendous’ or ‘Poor Show’.

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Sometimes, you just have to go classic. Hat, tie, blazer. Daily Telegraph. Umbrella. Binoculars. Red pants. If this isn’t the first result when you Google Image Search ‘MCC Member’, it flipping well should be. Tremendous.


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This photo was taken during a T20 World Cup match between England and the Netherlands at Lord’s. If you’ve ever questioned the great institution’s willingness to move with the times, a couple of members photographed in full Hat / Tie / Blazer (HTB from now on) with facepaint and a pop singer should answer it pretty sharpish, mate. Tremendous.

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Bacon and egg gloves? No-one likes a clever dick. Poor Show.

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Lord’s photography 101 is a picture of the members queueing up and reading newspapers. This example nails it, AND takes it to the next level by featuring bacon and egg socks. I just like saying it. Bacon and egg socks. Tremendous.

 

Records reveal ‘Yo dog’ has never, ever been uttered in the Long Room. I’m going out on a limb and labeling these ‘unofficial’. Poor Show.

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Grand-daddy of the lot. Sure, I’ve got a cricket jumper sleeve on my head. What of it? Tremendous.

You wait for ages, then two podcasts come along at once

Two podcast related things.

1. I was on the New Zealand Digital Podcast with Paul Spain and Sim Ahmed, chatting about my role at NZC, and sportreview, among other things. You can listen to my episode in a variety of fashions here.

2. I submitted a ‘book nook’ entry to top cricket podcast, The BYC Podcast.

I reviewed The Art Of Captaincy by Mike Brearley, it went as follows:

You’ll love this book if you’re into tales of early 80s country cricket – it`s chocka with cracking dressing room quips by legendary players in damp knitwear waiting for the rain to stop and is reportedly one of Stephen Fleming’s big influences.

There’s straightforward and timeless advice on selection, field placement and batting orders – but it gets really interesting in the chapters on harnessing aggression and trying the unexpected. Brearley advocates underarm bowling in the right circumstances, a controversial stance in this country to say the least. There’s plenty on wrangling dressing room personalities, a possible pointer to Brearley’s post-cricket career as a psychologist,

Brearley played with and against some of the greats – Botham, Boycott, Greig, the Chappells and the dream West Indian pace attack are all used as examples. The contrasts between this era, when Boycott would open for England in limited overs matches, and today are fascinating.

Mike will be pleased to know there are lots of pictures.

9/10 – definitely made me feel more intelligent after reading.

Definitely listen to The BYC Podcast though, they made it loads better. And listen to it every week while you’re at it, it’s a must-listen chez moi.

Caddy Williams celebrates Masters win by sprinting 800m to punch Tiger Woods in the face

NEWSDESK: Australian golfer Adam Scott’s unpleasant caddy Steve Williams celebrated the first Masters win by an Australian by running 800m to the car park and punching former boss Tiger Woods in the face.

Williams, who carried Woods’ bag for 13 major titles and earned an estimated $USD 13m before their acrimonious split, punched the world’s number one golfer in the face as he loaded his golf clubs into his sports utility vehicle in the Augusta National Golf Club car park.

Witnesses described Williams, who roughly pushed several golf fans out of his way and upturned a coffee cart in his haste to punch Woods in the face, as ‘crazed’, ‘wild-eyed’ and ‘funny-looking’, with sweaty chest hair and a gold medallion poking out the neckline of his white caddy’s overalls.

Williams, who has a history of bizzare, angry outbursts and carries other people’s golf clubs for a living, told reporters: “There’s nothing sweeter than winning at Augusta. And there’s nothing sweeter than seeing the final putt go in, dropping the bag and running to the car park to smack Tiger in the face! Bo-ya!”

Summer lovin’

A couple of photos from my first month on the job. You can click them to make them bigger.

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There’s no doubt the Basin Reserve is one of NZ’s loveliest sports grounds of any code. I was only there for day one of the test, but it was full and it was fantastic. Thoroughly enjoyed finally meeting Paul from the Beige Brigade and catching up with Graeme and friends. Looking forward to coming back.

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This was my view from the media box. For a cricket / sports writing geek, it was quite a thrill to be in there with guys I’d been reading for years from here and the UK and seeing how it all worked.

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The main reason I took this photo was so I test my ‘boundary’ accreditation. Ahem.

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There were definitely moments when I was turning up to go to work at Eden Park when I was all “I can’t believe I’m turning up to work at Eden Park!?!?!”

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My view of the end of day five. It was *quite* a day.

There’s a little more about the new thing on the NBR.

sportreview.net.nz update

Some news. In March, I am joining New Zealand Cricket as Digital and Comms Advisor, leaving my current role at Telecom*. Somehow I’ve managed to combine what I do professionally with one of my great pleasures and passions – I’m thrilled.

Common sense says everyone’s least favourite satirical NZ sport blog needs to change in some fashion, especially when it comes to cricket. I’m still figuring out how that’s all going to work.

Because this seems like a significant moment in the almost-ten year history of the site, I will recap. Readers will know that sportreview.net.nz was and is about about having fun, not being cruel**. Constructive, not scatter gun. Remember, sportreview.net.nz’s raison d’etre is this:

“We Kiwis support our sports people admirably, but take it all a bit seriously. I just want to inject a little humor. Relax, it won’t hurt a bit.”

I do this site simply for the enjoyment of writing it and to hopefully entertain you along the way. And so, dear readers, please bear with me while I find the right way to do this.

 

*And now, at last, I can start working on the satirical telecommunications blog I’ve been longing to do. I joke.

**Clive Woodward did cop it, in fairness. Let those without sin, etc.

Magical not-much-mystery tour

In Australia, the dossier on the South Africans has got a lot of coverage, after being carefully couriered leaked to an eager Aussie media. The document seems to mainly prescribe:

a. short pitched bowling, and

b. sledging

…which makes you wonder if the jandal-lickers’ tactics have moved on since the days of Ian Chappell etc. It’s as innovate as wandering into the Aussie’s dressng room and shouting ‘everyone grow a moustache!’. Still, it should be a fantastic series for cricket lovers bored with watching Sri Lankan groundsmen moving covers about.

 
 Picture included mainly because of ‘how awesome is this?’

The All Blacks have been on a full on Scottish social media assault, instagramming the locals and digitally tweeting themselves hoarse. Gone are the days when All Blacks like Meads, Lochore or Murdoch would turn up in the mother country to glower at the press and organise a big pub fight before boarding the plane having not actually said *anything* over the two months’ tour.

The All Blacks’ end of year tour has fallen into a fairy comfortable routine now, we either do the ‘warm up by smashing a couple of easy beats, before playing Wales then England’ or the grand slam, which is pretty much the same thing. Australia and South Africa do the same, which must be pretty depressing for the about-to-play-the-Six-Nations locals. Imagine if some guys turned up and smashed us for a month just before we played the Rugby Championship. More depressing than being Clive Woodward I’d imagine.

I’ll leave you with Rod Stewart crying, probably the best sporting thing that actually happened this week: