Give us that microphone

On Sunday I was interviewed by Colin Peacock for Radio New Zealand’s Mediawatch show (again) about the Alternative Commentary Collective, the travelling band of commentators who covered the glorious ANZ ODI series v India, won 4-0 by the BLACKCAPS. Paul Ford‘s Cricinfo blog sets out what it’s all about.

You can listen to the Mediawatch show here – relevant bit comes on about twenty minutes in.

From here, it seems the ACC was a great success. It was hilarious. It got people talking. To me, it was pretty much a dream team of chaps who talked cricket at every chance they got in their other roles (comedy, TV, radio, what have you) finally being able to just talk cricket . There was a whole lot of knowledge and enthusiasm as well as some really, really funny stuff. The fact we happened to beat the world champs 4-0 in this series gave the whole affair a slightly surreal feel.

It all got a bit emotional toward the end of the final broadcast from Wellington when everyone was realising that that was it for this year. I hope it continues and I also hope that some poor bugger will sit down and go through the five matches’ commentary and put together some kind of Best Bits podcast or download, it was too good to be heard only once.

Fair play to everyone involved. Commentary is one of those things everyone reckons they can do better, but is actually bloody hard when you have a real live microphone to talk into. These chaps made it sound easy.

 

For those comfortable with turning their TV volume down and venturing into the world of alt-commentary, there’s (a few) options.

Jed Thian is the best known alt-commentator in New Zealand with the full-noise Alternative Rugby Commentary empire, which he’s taken around the world.

Graeme Hill, Paul Casserley and (ACC chap) Jeremy Wells among others did rugby commentary for BFM in the early 1990s to the mid-2000s, which have a legendary reputation, but very little of which exists online, there’s a brief run-down here.

Test Match Sofa are a well-established alt-commentary troupe covering all England Test matches with a range of guests but have locked legal horns with ECB over commentary rights.

Roy and HG have been doing this kind of thing for years over the ditch.

And this is what I meant on the radio about unashamedly biased fan commentary – it’s got a certain charm I guess, but seems to be a case of who can shout the loudest in this instance.

What goes on tour

This October and early November just gone, I was in Bangladesh with the BLACKCAPS. My job at NZC is digital and communication advisor – mainly, I’m behind a laptop, so getting to go away with the team was a real honour and a thrill. Leaving NZ for almost five weeks was very exciting, but I had butterflies weeks out from leaving. It would be (by far) the longest period of time I’d spend apart from my partner and two young kids (I’d miss them awfully) and the first time I’d been to the subcontinent.

If you’ve travelled to this part of the world before you’ll laugh at me, but I had some serious culture shock. THE ROADS WERE INSANE. Travelling with a minder from Chittagong airport to the stadium along the river road on day two was more mind expanding than a night out with Keith Richards. I was trying to take in how everyone lives here, struggling to play it cool while buses, vans, cars, tuk-tuks, bikes, mopeds and rickshaws performed passable Michael Shumacher impressions around our van. If you wanted to train an athlete’s peripheral vision you could do worse than put them in a car in Bangladesh and get them to drive. I was glad to meet up with the team.

Bangladesh is hot. Chittagong was brutal at times with a dry heat, while Dhaka was humid, fuggy and energy-sapping. I soon understood why the team are followed around by chilly bins full of ice and water. Gordon Penney, the BLACKCAPS video analyst and I got out the baseball gloves and a ball at training one day and threw it around for about 15 minutes, and I was done – soaked in sweat and in need of air con. I’m (obviously) no athlete, but seeing how hard the guys train and play in the heat, and hearing tales of them losing 3-4kg during an innings, I got a small understanding. It impressed me no end how hard the substitute fielders work for the guys on the field in this weather, constantly ferrying drinks and gloves out to the middle, and around the ground to fine leg. They also put in some serious bowling practise and running during the innings break, which you don’t see on the telly.

During the matches I’d spend one session with the team while colleagues in NZ took the Twitter duties, then spend the rest of the time in the press box writing my match report and tweeting. With 160 million people in the country, there is a lot of media in Bangladesh – the press boxes were full, noisy and everyone was very friendly. I have to admit I was the ‘lone clapper’ in the press box a couple of times, when the guys got centuries or wickets. Unprofessional city (!).

The stadiums were amazing, dedicated cricket grounds with great facilities for the team and spectators. Often the media box was at the opposite end of the ground to the dressing room, so I’d trek around past the crowd. I’d have all my BLACKCAPS gear on and got quite a few cheers and waves, which took a bit of getting used to – again, everyone was very friendly. Fatullah, the venue for the third ODI, was PACKED and VERY NOISY, not to mention a little intimidating.

This tour was unusual in that after Chittagong, we stayed in Dhaka in the same hotel for almost a month, as the match in Sylhet was moved to Dhaka, normally the team moves around every few days. We’d travel to matches, training and everywhere on a team bus, with armed escorts front and rear. The hotels were great, and we were very well looked after by a group of minders. I got sick once, just fever and chills, for three days – but I managed to avoid going ‘full gastro’, which was what I was expecting.

Bangladesh was quite the experience – it goes without saying it’s a world away from home but again, we were well looked after by our minders and my opposite at Bangladesh Cricket, Rabeed Imam.  Leaving the tour, I felt like a bit of a lightweight – I was going home to the family, fair weather and flat whites, while the team went on to Sri Lanka, before coming home for the full home series and then on to Bangladesh again and the West Indies. Cricket means a long time on the road to say the least.

I was honoured to be (a small) part of the team, having breakfast, travelling on the bus, being in the team huddles before training, seeing how hard they work and hearing team talks in the dressing room. It helped me get to know the team and management, understand what we were trying to do and helped me do my job. Without labouring this, they are a fine group of guys and a credit to their country. Like I say, it was an honour.

Check out more photos at blackcaps.co.nz.

Here’s all the crap I used to do my job.

Photos – you can click on them to make them bigger:

2013-10-09 09.26.01

BLACKCAPS manager Mike Sandle hanging the NZ and NZC flags outside the dressing room in Chittagong, he does this before every match.

2013-10-10 11.24.20

(Some of the) Bangladesh press corp in Chittagong, with Cricinfo’s Mohammad Isam far right.

2013-10-07 13.23.36

Comforting to know.

2013-10-10 10.25.13

I thoroughly enjoyed spending time with Ronald Cardwell in Chittagong – check out his website.

2013-10-14 07.30.05

Somewhat misguidedly, Hotel Agrabad in Chittagong wanted my autograph.

2013-10-14 16.07.37

At the end of each press conference, the done thing was for the TV cameras to turn around and film the press.

2013-10-18 09.55.08

Aktar (left) and Abul, our bag men. You couldn’t meet more dedicated and hardworking guys, they are legends among all teams that tour Bangladesh.

2013-11-03 19.12.39

The view from the bus of the motorcade out of Fatullah, with gun jeep in the centre.

Team New Zealand

Gratuitous team photo Test edition.

IMG_3036

Gratuitous team photo limited overs edition.

Auckland man can’t get off Team NZ bandwagon and onto ‘pack of chokers’ bandwagon fast enough

NEWSDESK: Auckland’s Dave Towbarr has switched boats mid-race as it were. Ten days ago, he was clad in red socks and planning several celebratory sick days to drink pre-mixed bourbon and cola.

Today, Towbarr is calling current affairs TV shows to let them know he’s burning the Barkers trackpants he uses for painting.

Towbarr takes his 180 degree tack from ‘Stuff those Yankee Wankers’ to ‘Grant Dalton owes me money for the time I’ve spent watching this shit’ in his stride. “Farkin’ Greg Norman, John Hart, Hershelle Gibbs choking losers,” said Towbarr, while making prolonged strangling sounds and gestures.

Towbarr, whose previous yachting interest was limited to using the local sailing club carpark for burnouts, admitted he became a stanch Team New Zealand supporter around match day six, fueled by a mix of unhinged  nationalism (“Give ’em a taste of farkin’ Kiwi boys, other nation’s marine industries can lick my balls!”), misguided anti-Americanism (“Russell Coutts sure will walk funny with that boat up his arse!”) and taxpayer entitlement (“I paid for that bloody boat!”).

Now that Oracle have leveled the series at 8-8, Towbarr is expressing his rage and shattered sense of entitlement through as many channels as possible, including talkback radio, rude notes on the local supermarket community noticeboard and to his 34 Facebook friends.

Towbarr’s flatmates said this behavior pattern was not unusual. “We’ll see if this is a ’99 All Blacks’ or ‘Home and Away moving channel’ scenario. Best outcome is that we actually win the thing. If Dave has to go from supporting the team to bagging them to eating his words, he’ll probably sulk in the garage for weeks.”

Mind games breakdown – Hansen / McKenzie edition

Screen Shot 2013-08-18 at 12.39.59 PM

Seemingly-sleepy All Blacks coach Steve Hansen managed the national team to a well-comfortable win against the Ockers last night. There were a few work-ons, but these days everyone’s disappointed if there’s no work-ons, so champion work all around.

Like I tweeted, I thought Steve Hansen really dug deep on the pre-match mind games, with a cooly delivered two card trick that, all going to plan, would have had new Wallabies coach Ewan McKenzie rocking back and forth on the shower floor before he’d even started a game.

You can watch it here – let’s break it down bit by bit.

Reporter: *Near-inaudible question regarding timing of naming the team*
Hansen: “I think the better question is…”

Bam! Press conference taken over. The man with the toughest job in the country doesn’t have time to muck around with *questions*, he’s got to get inside his opposite’s head and get back to training and that, quick smart.

 

Hansen: “…is he feeling a bit mentally challenged because he doesn’t know what five-eighth he wants to play. …I’m imagining that when Robbie Deans…”

batman-fight-sounds-banner

Blammo! “Doesn’t know what five-eighth he wants to play” is as organised as leaving the house without your phone or brain when it comes to picking an international rugby team, while the words ‘Robbie’ and ‘Deans’ are shorthand for ‘worst case scenario’ and as welcome as a Dom Harvey dick pic in the Wallabies camp. Related – I expect to hear more, much more, about Dingo in All Blacks pressers in the weeks ahead.

 

Hansen: “…wasn’t picking Quade Cooper he was saying ‘I’ll pick you Quade, I’ll pick you.’ Now, ah, our information is they’re going to pick the other bloke…”

batman-tv-show-pow

Pow! This is Hemmingway-like – so much conveyed in such economical fashion. There’s (at least) three points here:

1. This little McKenzie / Cooper chat is indeed what everyone was imagining what was going on when Deans was coach, and McKenzie recalling Cooper was indeed one of the key arguments for restoring Wallaby X factor. Plan B had better be good, Ewan.

2. YOU HAVE INFORMATION? INFORMATION THAT’S RIGHT?!?!?

3. “The other bloke.” This says: “I don’t even know what this guy’s name is, and certainly can’t be arsed wikipedia-ing it.”

 

Hansen: “Now there’s only two reasons they wouldn’t want to tell them, one he’s not sure himself…”

Balooga! Can you say “You’ve waited an age for this chance, and now you’ve got the big job with the Qantas blazer and everything, you have no idea what you’re doing?” Bonus points for pausing a good two or three seconds before continuing, just to let that point sink in.

 

Hansen: “…or he doesn’t think they can handle the pressure of being out in public too early. Doesn’t bother us, don’t mind a hoot who they play.”


serie_zlott

Zlott! indeed. Hansen wraps up this little elbow-in-the-ribs-using-words with a cold, hard truth – the All Blacks really couldn’t give a used jockstrap who the Wallabies field. On the XXXX side of the Tasman it’s new starts, rebuilding and the unknown, while the All Blacks have the luxury of choosing between world cup winners, or up-and-comers that look like they’d treat the Wallaby onslaught with all the ease of a Care Bear onslaught. Not easy to get a good night’s sleep with that hanging over you.

Ewen+McKenzie

And after the never-in-doubt 47-29 win, Hansen finished the job he’d started mid week with: “But I think they’ve got the nucleus of a very good side and I think they’ve had a nucleus of a very good side for a long time.”

Ka-blam! Sorry Ewan, but Shag reckons changing coach hasn’t made the slightest bit of difference – you’ve got a bit to do to prove you’re not Dingo in disguise.