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Everyone loves Top Gear - but are they cool? Really?
“Zombies cannot run - so if you see a person running at you, it’s not a zombie. DON’T shoot him. Give him a high-five.” “You’re blocking one of your own guys out there!” “He doesn’t matter, my safety is more important than his.” This is all invaluable zombie-infestation survival advice, team.
Here’s how to make a single speed hipster bike.
Do I not like that - insane, foul mouthed England football coach doco.
There’s a lot of monkeys on the telly, as any Breakfast TV viewer knows. Turns out they’re pretty good at the Krypton Factor too. If I could just get my hands on a shaved simian to sit here for the day, I’d be set.
Zinc Oxide is everywhere - be careful out there, team
Michael Phelps Returns To His Tank At Sea World
With computer games, I tend to go for Zombies and shotguns and any combination thereof. But if I played World Of Warcraft, I’d probably be this guy.
I love Ireland - it’s great. But not much happens there - enter road bowling.
I always quite fancied being a bike courier, all dreadlocks and sweat and speed and being off my face all day. But these guys - these guys are bike couriers EXTREME. And they’ve only got Scott Baio in the gang.
You suck at Photoshop - there’s a guy like this in every office, team. He’s watching you right now.
Ducks are bastards. Tasty, tasty bastards.
I never really warmed to Robbie Keane - I always suspected he’d be crap at Kareoke. He’s no Chris n Glen, put it that way. He’s not even a Gazza
More Tour De France pictures? OK
Will Ferrell accepts Tiger’s ESPY. I’ve already written my ‘half-arse blogger of the year’ award speech ready, you know. Just in case, like
If you get telemarketing calls, you should do this
If you’re not drunk and sleepy after the Rugby, team, stay up to watch Le Tour’s final time trial - it’s all going to be sorted out then. Meanwhile, spare a thought for this poor bugger.
Every football team will be playing football in various combinations. More Mitchell and Webb.
Political types - check out what actual fishermen thought of John Key’s Gone Fishin’ appearance. FYI John (if you’re reading), no-one wears brand new Auckland Blues jerseys to go fishing, or brand new All Blacks sweatshirts apres fish. Those were dead giveaways.
Pulp Sport’s Bill and Ben invent Crugby. I imagine Lance Cairns would be good at this. And Jerry Collins.
It’s Man U v Chelsea in extra time of the Champions League final. Some people drank to settle their nerves. Some couldn’t watch. This Chelsea fan decided a very public Sherman Tank was the way to go. Full credit: Haydn Dropkick
I just know I’m the last person on the internets to link to this. I just really, really love swearing, though.
As a new parent, this caught my eye. I’m thinking numbers 7 and 11.
London. It’s fantastic, and it’s holding the Olympics after China - but surely that crap mascot can be improved?
The BBC’s John Motson is yer archetypal statto / sheepskin coat-clad football commentator - but he’s still got a potty mouth
Some footballer scores - only to have it saved by the world’s bandiest-legged doctor guy. He’s not happy
Some mountain bike buy gets fully rad over the Tour De France
Le Tour started early yesterday morning - here’s the best places for coverage on the web:
The Guardian and The Times have extensive coverage and photos, alongside Le Tour’s official home page. Cycling News has loads of reports and photos, along with geeky bike porn
Here’s a Google Map, with loads of interactive bits n bobs
Interested in having a go? Each year the Etape du Tour gives weekend warriors the chance to ride a real live stage before the pros. This year the 189km stage took in the terrifying Col du Tourmalet - a 23.5 km climb at an average 7.5% gradient. Here’s two accounts of riding Tour stages, but to truly get a picture, watch this video of the notorious Mount Ventoux. Bugger. That.
Can Piswiddle win the ashes? - Mitchell and Webb cricketing stupidity ahoy
Some guy wandering around booting footballs into places he shouldn’t, brilliantly.
Little Gary Neville takes life awfully seriously - here he is refusing to shake hands with old mate Peter Schmichael, who went to play for the other guys. He doesn’t look too bothered, though.
Photoshop comp - Unpopular movie-based video games. Har.
Some tennis guy kills a pigeon. Turns out one of the players is part of the scientologists’ avian wing. Bet he wishes he had Tom Cruise’s number now.
From their mad-eyebrowed coach to Tierry Henry, France were crapper than sandpaper undies at Euro 2008. Even their coach driver was woeful.
Here’s a great list of 100 things to love about sport. Baz McCullum gets a mention, but they’re awfully rude about the All Blacks. Strangely, hearing “Why does love do this to me” at 110db at a Rugby match isn’t there - must be #101?
Those American elections go on a bit, eh? This is much better.
Me no blog much lately. New baby and all that.
Tell ya what though, it’s great for watching sport. Unless that sport is cricket. Here’s Kevin Pietersen making Scott Styris look like a one dimensional medium pace journeyman who’s retired from all non-pyjama cricket in a ‘come get me’ shout to any cashed-up Indian league after a one dimensional medium pace journeyman. At least ‘Scotty’ isn’t the first he’s done it to.
And hey, cruising youtube I stumbled on this guy - he does Macca’s Warney stance and captain Dan’s pull and cut shots. It’s brilliant - and handily, 2 minute’s distraction from the fact we’re getting flogged at any and every format going. If we had a hit against England at the local indoor cricket centre, we’d be leaving with tails between legs. It’s bloody depressing. I even found myself reading Adam Parore and silently nodding, for god’s sake. Yes, it’s that bad.
What’s the solution? Fark knows. Hopefully once the wee man (he looks like a batsman, not like the old man) settles in a bit, a bit more smart arse-bloggery will help a bit. Righto.
Some good ol’ boys win some Ice Hockey trophy, then break it. They’ll have to pay for that out of their own money, I’d say
Gotta say, serial killers methodically going through teenagers at lakes and undead janitors existing largely in people’s dreams were much, much bigger for me growing up than Michael Jordan - and now Jason and Freddy have their own shoes. I’d like some Sean Of The Dead ones, please
Now that I notice, this is an alcoholic lager beer - 10%! Blimey! That’s quite a lot, isn’t it?
We’ve Been Planning This Sepia Wild West Family Portrait Too Long For You To Mess It Up. Har - You will honor your family holding a pose where you’re looking at your younger sister—who will be dressed as a dancing girl whether she likes it or not—in a respectful, yet slightly randy fashion.
Britain’s David Miller biffs his bike. I’ll probably do this to a keyboard at some point today
Sweet own goal - that would hurt in *two* ways
Everyone loves 70s Aussie Rules brawls, and that goes double when some flamin’ galah goes seppo and clocks a bloody ref - here’s not one but two
Heh - this guy takes pictures of his TV. Scroll down for the ‘Spaz’ one. He probably reads this site
The 17th at Sawgrass is the famous Island Green - given the chance, I’d make a complete hash of it I reckon - kind of like this guy.
After football on a Saturday, I’m often parked up in front of TV3’s three (three!) fishing shows waiting for the cramps to kick in - The ITM Fishing Show is definitely the best, new episodes are on now.
Some League guy kicks a goal. Is this news? He’s a prop, so yeah.
Bugger GTA IV - did you know it came out originally on the NES? I’m still stuck somewhere in between San Fierro and Las Venturas in GTA San Andreas.
Remember that time Cullen lost the ball over the line? At least he’s not this guy. He knows, even in mid-air, the people in green inflatable hats are going to be very disappointed with him. The words you, utter, utter and penis spring to mind
There’s little doubt Peter Schmeichel is a deeply complicated man - amazing saves one minute, hilarious Manc-accented rapping about bacon with, bizarrely, a Robert Palmer-style entourage the next
That insane-jumpered Nelson Bays guy gets bowled over. He knows he’ll never hear the end of it from the instant it happens. He’s smiling, but he’s not happy
Having grown up near Te Rapa Straight, one of our great impromptu race-tracks I can confirm that the ‘Tron is NZ’s rightful home of barely-legal street car action, so it’s only fair to hand the mean streets over to the pros for the weekend. Good luck to everyone heading to the V8s, and go the Chiefs
Everyone remembers that Colombian goalkeeper’s Scorpian save at Wembley - but can you score like that? Bloody oath
Alex Higgins is Snooker’s George Best, with outrageous talent at sport and the booze
Southampton turn into Brazil all of a sudden and Kev scores a wonder-goal - only to be ruled out. Robbed
Mitchell and Webb are really funny
Who doesn’t love own goals? Lee Dixon’s was number one with me for a long time, but now, there’s a new own goal sheriff in town - what a beauty. Fully THREE head in hands, and TWO knee sinks from the scorers’ team-mates. Magic
Soupy Norman is a dodgy Polish soap dubbed over by Irish comedians - yes, it’s that good
You want bacon? Then how about a Bacon Cheese Baconburger? Breakfast, lunch and dinner would be nice
Pure gold from Pulp Sport - Chris Martin (test average 2.55) brings you his Learn to Bat dvd. He’s just so serious.
Smug Shots is people, usually pissed, going up to footballers, usually in a bar or airport, and having their photo taken. That reminds me, I must dig out that photo of me with Glenn Osbourne.
Let’s face it - ten pin bowling isn’t cool, unless you’re The Dude. It’s all corporate team building and weird shoes smelling of watered down disinfectant and that. If I was going have a go, though, I’d be wanting to do something like this.
If you’re like me and spend all day in an office, you may enjoy Whack Your Boss. Disclaimer - I don’t want to whack MY boss. Annoy - yes. Whack - No.
The Classics season of one day races is underway in Europe, with the Paris-Roubaix coming up next weekend. Paris-Roubaix is dubbed ‘the hell of the north’, lasting 260KM over several sections of cobblestones, with mud spraying in the rider’s faces all day. It’s as much a test of equipment as heart, with modern roadbikes and tyres struggling to stay in one piece on the cobbles.
Check out this video of Lance Armstrong’s then-Discovery team mate George Hincape’s attempt to win the 2002 Paris-Roubaix against four riders from the rival Domo team (thanks, Belgium Knee Warmers).
Sounds great, huh? Wouldn’t mind getting up at some godforsaken hour to check it out, huh? Sky have four sport channels, they must have SOME kind of coverage, huh?
Youtube it is, then.
Cricket? For the first time in my LIFE I switched from a test to watch Rugby League on Sunday afternoon, as we threw it away in the first innings. I’ll have more to say on this when I get a sec, but you should read Hamish McDougall and Paul Beige Brigade’s roundups. Mike On Cricket has had excellent stat-y coverage throughout the series also.
Everyone loves Kevin Keegan, but depressingly predictably, he’s not the Geordie Messiah Newcastle fans were praying for, results-wise anyway. He’s not much of a cyclist, either. This clip comes complete with Alan Partridge-alike commentator and Kev’s insistence he’s OK, despite a mess of ripped flesh
Steve Nash is a big deal in the NBA - he’s also a Tottenham fan. Here’s a nice looking Nike TV spot he directed himself. You can see him kissing the Spurs badge midway through
Cross-linked from me other blog - The best muppet-based heavy metal primer you’ll see on the internet this week can be found here.
Wellington’s cricket crowd looked like they had a great time @ the weekend - here’s the guy falling over, always the litmus test of a great day out. Check out the pissy look on the fall-ee.
Chris Waddle is a Spurs legend - and he’s still got it
Newspaper cartoons are cool - Peanuts, Calvin and Hobbes, Footrot Flats, etc. B3ta don’t think so, so they made them funny again - NSFW, some of it, and not for the taking offense brigade
Take the test (hat tip Audent)
So simple it’s brilliant. It’s American football, it’s Brett Favre going about his business wearing shoulder pads, and a fan steals the ball. There’s nothing left to say, really
The hilarious Stuff White People Like blog scores a big fat bull’s eye on the idea of soccer
Speaking of which, they say footballers are prone to gaming referees and try to gain unlawful advantage. This is, of course, completely untrue
Here’s 100 things never to say in a job interview. I’d probably ask if the stationary was locked up at night
In case you missed it, here’s Andrew Symonds’ shoulder charge. Legendary raisin Richie Benaud’s comment proves he’s STILL the master
It’s alright, I’ve found goal of the season already. Real Madrid’s horrible Arjen Robben thinks he’s scored and heads for the corner, unaware the goal’s been ruled out. Lowly Getafe take a quick free kick, and break away to score. Marvelous.
The Dropkicks showed a keen eye for esoteric stats during the Rugby World cup, so check out their Rugby wiki. Get involved, go write up your team before some bitter Highlanders fan does.
Heh - lower division football manager resigns, much to the laughter of his players.
Forumwarz is the whole internet in one site. Spookily accurate.
- Gordon Strachan is the undisputed master of the press conference - it’d be nice to see someone give Smithy a bit of this
- Sad to see Stephen Fleming retire, but this guy won’t be too upset. Still, I wouldn’t want to piss him off
- Remember Zidane headbutting Materazzi in the World Cup final? It’s fair to say he had some form
- On Facebook yet? It’s… OK, now I’ve started blocking people with the Vampires and fighting and that. This looks way better
- American Football is so hot right now, with yer Giants, Brady, and second and seven and all that. I still reckon the Glasgow Diamonds are the best, though. They’re here to play football. And rap.
- Scotty Pippen gives Spike Lee what-for
- Out of context takes your Hollywood movie stars and makes them look like dicks - contains spooky foreshadowing of Tom Cruise’s Scientology rant
- Sandwich encyclopedia - for those of us that think bread and dead animal are the cornerstone of any delicious meal
Welcome to the new pad, don’t worry ’bout taking your shoes off. I decided to get a little more serious about this, and have been pissing about with Wordpress and the like for the last month or so. Now it’s live I should have a little more time to actually write something. Anyway, here’s some links.
- Alan Shearer won’t be joining King Kev at Newcastle. Good, I reckon Shearer’s a dick, and everyone loves Kev, right? Here’s poor old Neil Lennon headbutting Shearer’s foot - he’s not so tough when Keano gets involved, though
- Sky Sport UK’s Jeff Stelling goes off on one defending Oop North. Magic
- Myself and Ms Sportreview have a little bundle of joy on the way - this parenting lark looks pretty easy, though eh
- A new white middle class complaint every day. We need a good war to sort this lot out, team
Luckily, blogging-wise, I’ve really enjoyed it. Getting a cartoon in the paper was nice (another one soon!). I liked this one. And this one. This wasn’t a good idea.I loved making up news stories.
In 2008, I really need to get my shit together with a proper domain (keep your eye on sportreview.net.nz) and Wordpress, particularly before sportreview jr. comes along.
Here’s my best for 2007.
Sporting moment
Hard one. A couple of America’s Cup races were pretty amazing. I’m too childish to nominate Fiji v South Africa. Oher than a few Berbatov goals, it’s looking pretty bleak. I’m going for Luaki handing off Richie McCaw - it’s been that kind of year.
Web
Guardian Unlimited (football and sport) remain my go-tos for sport news, writing, and youtube clips. Locally, the Dropkicks podcast is the best in NZ sport on the web. I love the communities springing up at Sportsfreak and The Silver Fern - I wish I had more time to participate. I joined Facebook, and found it great for finding the long lost, but kind of annoying otherwise. I discovered last.fm. I really enjoy Public Address and Jason Kottke, still.
Links on Friday
- Richie Benaud on the underarm
- Zombie vs Shark
- Never poke a big cat with a stick
- Full Metal Wii
- The Mack vs the Nuge
Albums
Person Pitch - Panda Bear (thanks, Fraser), Happy Ending - Phoenix Foundation, Sound of Silver - LCD Soundsystem
Book
The Yiddish Policeman’s Union - Micheal Chabon
Films
Superbad, The Devil Dared Me To, Hot Fuzz
Top three songs on last .fm
Ramble Tamble - Creedence
Fourtunate Son - Creedence
Sleepwalk - Santo & Johnny
This is kind of like what the Tour De France prologue will be like but without the traffic or combat shorts and that.
The drivetrain is Campagnolo Triomphe, with Shimano Exage brakes. It’s got Tubular tires on Araya ‘Red’ rims, and Wellgo pedals. The handlebars are Cinelli.
This is a very light bike, Vitus are a French bicycle tubing company, and this one is unique in that the tubes are glued together rather than welded, as it usually the case. Here’s more info on this bike. The 979 was made famous by Irish Cyclist Sean Kelly - here he is in the San Remo - Milan race.
