A day at the park

Last Friday I was at a ‘work’ ‘off-site’ at Eden Park – it was fascinating seeing the game preparations, with guys marking out the advertising on the grass, seemingly by hand, the Auckland team playing a raucous game of touch and the Waikato team later mooching around the turf like a bunch of bored teenagers at a shopping mall, taking it all in. It seemed to work for them.

Meanwhile, the big screen on the Western stand played an unidentifiable swords n goblin epic (Underworld?) DVD menu. All day.

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The new Southern stand must be pretty close to being finished – it’s imposing. The new terraces (that now incorporate the old Panasonic stand) look much more sanitary than the old ones, at this stage.

More photos – the Southern and Western stands, the Southern and a little model of the whole thing.

Matthew Hayden photoshop competition – the winner

This is the reason sportreview.net.nz will never afford to purchase its European Corporate HQ (sportreview’s American Corporate HQ is the Ironman house) – following up the best traffic week ever with no posts at all. Ahem.

Anyway, it’s time to announce the winner of the crappy sportscafe DVD, first and only prize in the ‘Photoshop Matthew Hayden to look like a twat‘ competition. Read the judge’s comments and winner announcement inside…

Continue reading “Matthew Hayden photoshop competition – the winner”

Drunk All Black fans blast NZ cricket boss

NEWSDESK: Drunk All Black fans have slammed the actions of NZ cricket boss Justin Vaughan at Saturday’s Bledisloe Cup test match in Melbourne. “Vaughan was clearly unable to chop his piss – he made me ashamed to be Kiwi,” said Rangiora farm hand Mark Jughandle. After a drinking spree that began in his hotel bed that morning, Jughandle had consumed an estimated 23 draught beers by the time he took his seat at Etihad stadium, but his enjoyment of the match was severely hindered by Vaughan, who “totally wrecked the buzz” and was most likely a “soft cock”.

Justin Vaughan, who lives in Auckland, “whinged like a little bitch”, declined the offer of a fight and “ratted out” Jughandle’s group to stewards. He also performed poorly in an impromptu boat race, consuming a mere three chardonnays over the course of the match, however Jughandle did concede Vaughan may have been unaware he was participating in said race.

Jughandle has labelled Vaughan’s behavior as unacceptable and called for a review of minimum alcohol levels at grounds: “Mate, I reckon Helen Clark would be better value on the piss. Guys like him should be breathtested at the gate to make sure they’ve got enough down them.”

Photoshop Matthew Hayden and win a crappy DVD

In today’s Sunday paper, retired Australian opening batsman Matthew Hayden appears, endorsing VIP passes to Gold Coast theme parks. Hayden, famous for hosting weird BBQs in Regents Park like a homeless person and bullying Englishmen and Glen McGrath is one of cricket’s least loved players and a curious choice to sell anything to New Zealanders. Myself, I considered setting myself alight to prevent me even thinking about buying one of these VIP passes.

This will not stand. We cannot allow shitheels like Hayden to appear in our papers, unless it’s underneath ‘Australian ex-cricketer in punch in the face tragedy’ headlines or the like. There is no reason why Kyle Mills, say, couldn’t hold a card and look gormless to endorse this card.

So – Photoshop competition. Fire up your favorite image editing app (If you don’t have Photoshop, Pixlr.com is handy, or even MS Paint will do – sportreview.net.nz is no stranger to lo-tech, as regular readers will know) and get your entry in by 6pm NZ time, Sunday 8 August.

Here’s what you need to get underway:

– Original scan (jpeg, 183KB)

– Clear cut with blacked out sign (gif, 83KB)

Email your entry in either jpeg or gif format (ideally 500 pixels wide) to richard (at) sportreview dot net dot nz. You can also email me for the .PSD file of the above picture if you promise not to laugh at my pathetic photoshop skillz.

Points will be awarded for 1. being funny and 2. making Hayden look like a twat. See the entries after the jump…

Continue reading “Photoshop Matthew Hayden and win a crappy DVD”

Flawed genius file filling to bursting

First famous for his elegant play, then for his boozing and temper, Belfast’s Alex ‘Hurricane’ Higgins died this weekend. From biographer Bill Burrow’s interview with the Guardian:

What’s your own personal favourite Hurricane story?
I think it’s the legendary piss-up with him and Olly Reid where they were having a drinking competition and Olly Reid made him drink a bottle of aftershave because they’d run out of alcohol. So he drank a bottle of aftershave, and the quid pro quo was that Olly Reid had to drink a glass full of washing up liquid as a pretend crème de menthe. Apparently Oliver Reid was blowing bubbles out of his mouth, but he [Higgins] had last laugh – he played a snooker tournament the next day and said that when he bent over and farted, they thought he was Jesus.

Critics question Murali’s 237 wickets against blind children and their pets

NEWSDESK: Celebrations around Muttiah Muralitharan’s 800th test wicket were tempered by criticism of his 237 wickets taken against blind children and their pets. “You have to ask how many wickets Clarrie Grimmet or Dennis Lillee would have got against blind children and their pets,” said Des Jandal, cricket correspondent for the Perth Morning Whinge. “What would run through a hamster’s mind when they saw DK Lillee steaming in off the long run at them?”

Outspoken cricket blogger Tristan Chortle-Creasly of jollygoodshowwhat.com has analysed Murali’s technique. “He gives blind kids the slow straight one, they can usually hear anything that spins. Dogs, he’s looking to pitch it up, give it some air and try and get them leg before. The allegations of ball tampering with a bier stick were never proved. He uses the same technique against cats as he does against New Zealand, just a stock leg cutter, sooner or later they’ll get themselves out.”

Murali’s supporters say you can only play what’s put in front of you, and his outstanding record against Zimbabwe, Bangladesh, Chris Martin, the visually impaired and quadrupeds cannot lessen his achievement.