The gravel in your sporting ice cream.
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There’s something deeply, deeply compelling about seeing Tottenham’s winning goal at Milan complete with a GOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAL! complete with a commentator sounding as excited as if someone released a load of mousetraps into the commentary booth
Virals are hard. Exhibit A: The Warratah’s clever, real and most importantly, FUNNY summer skills video takes our pointless effort and runs to the tryline like it’s a World Cup semi. Ahem
If NFL teams wore football jerseys
If FUCKYEAHALEXFERGUSONGETTINGNARKYWITHTVINTERVIEWERS.tumblr.com existed, I’d probably end up watching it all day
NEWSDESK: International athletes have voted Wellington the best city in the world to lose their match in, according to a UK website. “Whether an athlete wants to weep quietly in the back row at World Of Wearable Arts, a radical Tana-style haircut on Cuba Street or a fight down Courtney Place, Wellington offers something for everyone,” said Babs Eyewear of travelgrumble.co.uk.
Second place sporting loser city Birmingham labeled Wellington’s rugby sevens event a ‘loser festival’, and the manner in which the whole city embraced loserdom for two days as ‘unseemly’, but this was batted away by former mayor Kerry Prendergast. “This is Hurricanes town, we don’t need to import losers. The fact of the matter is losers feel loved in the capital, we’re confident a peanut butter milkshake can wipe away any tears.”
New Zealand sporting greats Martin Crowe and Todd Blackadder have backed Wellington as a town for losers. “I Got Over Missing Out On A Triple Century At The Basin With A Quick Trip To Kelburn On The Cable Car. Walking Alone Around The Botanic Gardens Gave Me Time To… Think. Just Think.” Former All Blacks captain Todd Blackadder revealed that Al Brown took him fishing for Pilchard after John Eales got that fucking kick in 2000: “They’re very underrated eating,” said Blackadder.
NEWSDESK: All Black hooker Andrew Hore has been given permission by the NZRFU to participate in one or more fights in or around his local hotel The Drencher’s Arms over the Christmas / New Year period. Hore, who has a record of 23 and 18 in bouts where security staff did not intervene, told reporters he was “excited by the challenge” and “ready to punch snot out of some wanker.”
While his opponent is likely to be identified only at the very last minute, Hore has expressed his preference to fight someone from Auckland. The undercard features super rugby mascot Captain Hurricane versus 20 lucky schoolchildren, and Tim ‘Skinny ‘ Clearasil’s yard glass attempt.
NEWSDESK: The unrest at Saturday evening’s twin Rugby League internationals highlighted Eden Park’s unsuitability for hosting large groups of people observing sporting events. “Our re-development was designed with Auckland NPC matches, test cricket or ACT party rallies in mind. We’re talking 12 or 13 people, max,” said Steve Commodore-Lease, a spokesman for Eden Park. “Next thing we know, there’s farkin thousands of League fans showing up on Saturday night. Lucky we’d installed, like, seats in those big buildings.”
Eden Park’s research tells them they could be placed in a similar situation for the ‘Rugby World Cup’, to held in 2011. “We knew something was up when they started building a train station next door, we were all ‘Waaaaait a minute.’ We’ll compare notes with Christchurch’s AMI Stadium, they’re hugely experienced in hosting unpopular sporting events,” said Mr Commodore-Lease.
A Mormon missionary stands at your door and enthuses about the Hong Kong Bledisloe match to establish rapport.
G’day my mate. How’s your saveloy situation?
No sir, I’m referring to Saturday night! You gotta stock up on snacks and beverages, ‘cos it’s big game night, amigo! We’re going head to head with the Aussies! At Rugby! Mate. I thought the Bledisloe couldn’t BE more extreme, but now they’ve taken it on the road to a Special Administrative Region of the People’s Republic of China.
Woah. That near-capacity crowd won’t know what hit em.
It’s gonna be huge – half of the Hong Kong crowd will paint their little faces black, half will be paintin’ ’em yellow, and the rest will be painting half black half yellow to show they don’t care who wins, they’re just stoked to be part of the global rugby family. And that they’ll only buy officially IRB endorsed merchandise.
Elder Zach said the match is a thinly veiled excuse for ex-pat backslapping, old school tie network deal making and a 72 hour wanton piss-up. I say look out for the Dan Carter air show – bam! It’s Sonny Bill Williams – tackle buster to the max! Can you handle Steve Hansen – getting freaky and outta control! There’s no stopping rugby in Asia – imagine Jackie Chan kung fu kicking off the scrum! Imagine eating egg foo young while taking in some serious oval ball code! Imagine going up against a ninja to claim the loose ball! Elder Zach’s going to owe the rugby union fellas a pretty big apology after this one -gimme five!
