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Category: rugby
Great Team Talks of Our Time
John Hart, World Cup Semi Final France v All Blacks 1999
Harty: OK fellas, it’s business time. Time to focus. Honestly? I look at you blokes, and I reckon it’s going to be a bloody walkover. Relax. Express yourselves. Hey, I know we only just beat Scotland, but remember, the whole world thinks we’ve got secret moves yet to be unleashed. And as soon as this match is over, believe you me, I’m going to think of some. I’m not here to farkin muck around.
Taine: Can I just say….
Harty: Hey, Taine, remember what we discussed about you talking and that? OK. Now. We all had a farkin great time on that beach in France. I think those games of force back and the new haircuts are gunna be farkin priceless. We bonded, you know. I’m going to treasure those times, shit, I might even put ’em in the book. Now, let’s hear from Fitzy…
*embarrassed Silence*
Harty: Fitzy?
*Silence, broken by Jeff Wilson taking a shot from his asthma inhaler*
Harty: Fitzy? Oh fark, yeah. Anyway, I made a business plan for today’s match – it’s real simple, see if you can follow this:
So yeah, number two needs a bit of work, but fark it, it’s only the farkin semi. I think the brand is strong enough to make it through this one. Speaking of which, now Kevin Roberts is going to say a few words. KR?
KR: Hey, WOW! I love you All Blacks guys. Gee WHIZ, you guys are farkin awesome!
Harty: Get on with it.
KR: OK, OK, OK. I LOVE you guys. Anyway, at this stage of the comp, it’s all about the BRAND.
Harty: Yeah, the brand.
KR: If you’re getting the crap kicked out of you by a 110kg French Prop, then go with it. You just gotta make sure the Adidas logo is facing the cameras.
Harty: That’s right.
KR: And you know what, I even made it so today’s Man Of The Match gets their face on a JET! How do you like that, mates, your farkin face on a farkin Jet.
*Impressed murmurs from the All Blacks*
Harty: Abso-farkin-lutely, let’s get out there and CREATE SOME VALUE, alright? Let’s go!
*All Blacks rumble off down the tunnel*
Harty, alone in the dressing room: Fools. Little do they realise this is but the final stage of my evil plan to fark New Zealand rugby forever. I cleverly won that series in South Africa to put them off the scent but my finest hour is at hand! And it’s all thanks to ME, JOHN HART! Mmmmmwhah hah hah hah hah!
Josh Kronfield: I forgot my scrum hat… hey what’s going on? What’s all this evil, maniacal laughter about?
Harty: Um, nothing. ***Look into my eyes***everything’s fine***relax***everything’s fine***just relaaaaaax. See you at half time.
Ten reasons to be cheerful
Read it on TheSilverFern, too.
After the Radio Sport brouhaha, it’s time for something positive. Here’s ten reasons to be cheerful:
1. Graham Henry is learning from his and other’s mistakes. Lack of leadership a problem in the past? Give the responsibility to the players. Lack of injury backup costly at World Cup time? Get two players for each position (except, bizarrely, for #8) Lineouts a shambles? Get a specialist coach. He has the respect and loyalty of his players and the public, leaving hobbyist All Black baggers with not a lot to moan about.
2. You’ve gotta love those eyebrows, too. Nothing says ‘I do Rugby, not PR, me” more than a couple of bad boys like that on your dial.
3. Friday night’s Waikato v Canterbury match was a decent game of rugby, and showed there may be some life in this NPC malarky. Alright, the format is all over the place like a mad woman’s shit, but Friday night showed if you get two decent teams, you’ll get a decent match.
4. Waikato are building something big. Gatland came out with a big reputation that was tarnished ever so slightly last year, but this time he’s had more time with the team, and they’re looking fantastic, a great measure of experience (helped of course by the Duane Monkley factor of Waikato lose forwards never getting in the ABs) and youth. And they’ve still got the best rugby watching stadium in the land.
5. Just how many shit hot coaches have we got anyway? Deans, Gatland, Foster, G Cooper, C Cooper, the list goes on and there’s young coaches coming through after overseas experience like Todd Blackadder and Pat Lam. The JR Ewing of NZ Rugby even did a decent job in Perth. Getting onto that AB coaching panel is going to be harder than forming a Stephen Jones NZ fan club.
6. Everyone else is shit. The World Cup is still going to be tough, but with the exception of France, the other major nations are all in bits at the moment.
7. Carl Hayman looks like he could take on the Springboks on the high veldt by himself with a broken arm, restrain a pitch invasion, win the game, then take out the boat race afterward.
8. Richie McCaw looks like a First XV captain smirking from the assembly stage. OK, he DID bring the team around to wreck your party after the game, drink the keg and take the best looking girl home, and on the inside, you’re fuming, but there’s a grudging admiration there – THAT’S the kind of All Black captain we need.
9. Dan Carter just looks half asleep, imagine what he’d do after a decent night’s rest.
10. Stu Wilson can’t last too much longer on TV. I can’t be the only one quietly sobbing “Please, please, just shut up”. Stu rambles on like a shitfaced farmer’s quad bike, but for the love of all that’s holy, someone at Sky must see this soon and draw a veil over his TV “career”. Surely. Let’s all send a letter saying “Stu Wilson makes me drink my weekly recommended alcohol units during ReUnion alone and I’m scared”.
YouTube yourself away
If you haven’t checked out YouTube, well that’s valuable farking around time you’re never getting back, my friend. It’s kind of like Napster when it was free and good and unencumbered by all that pesky ‘copyright’ carry on. Basically it’s easy to upload videos for the world to laugh at, so you can find anything and everything. Bill Simmons, the brilliant US sports writer made a list of his best bits, so I’ve decided to pinch his idea.
Rugby highlights go up very quickly, so if you missed the match or your memory was mysteriously wiped by that box of whatever was on special at the supermarket, you can re-live Jerry sorting out George Smith’s dreads, or Ali Williams dumping Gregan from a couple of stories over and over again. And here’s a good compilation of recent All Blacks tries in one neat package.
Of course there’s loads of football – like the original Panekla penalty, the stuttering dummy one that Zidane did in the World Cup final, and then a reason to remember Zidane apart from the headbutt. You’ll find loads of Premiership fan footage, so you only need spit on yourself and stand in horse shit for an authentic UK matchday experience. I had no trouble finding my favorite goal ever – the angle he gets is just beautiful, you couldn’t do better with string and protractor.
Not The Nine O’Clock News do John McEnroe and get it just right – and compare it with the real thing. What ever you’re into there’s something for you – so get in there before it goes legit. I have my non-sports / children’s TV ones here, here’s the Kelly song, and there’s even fun at the expense of the Aussies – everyone can enjoy that.
I didn’t recognise you without your chainsaw…
Possum turned up at Eden Park on Saturday night. Normally busy threatening Waikato Stadium with his chainsaw from the relative safety of a cherry picker bucket, he appeared in the South Stand in the second half to mingle with his public.
It was like the Pope turning up in a Dublin bar, within seconds he was offered a beer (which he took in a flash), had shook everyone’s hand, and posed for photos (You’re Possum! I love you!) with his fans. And then he was gone.
In this day and age of professional rugby, where the Blues have a (feckin)Pirate running around Eden Park (because the market research says you just gotta have a mascot, the target demographic LOVES mascots), it’s nice to know crazed fans like Possum are around.
Now Waikato just need to go back to the two-man-pantomine-horse-style Mooloo, then I’ll be happy.
Pantheon of Legends
My work is having a competition to decorate your desk in the colors of your favorite Super 14 team. Here’s mine, I’m going for the short on effort, long on imagination approach, which will either win me all the money or feck all.
Richie McCaw a dirty cheat
Justin in the UK
Memo to Keith Quinn and John MacBeth
Keith and John, here’s four little words that could help save your careers.
Shut. The. Fuck. Up.
Seriously. When I’m watching the opening ceremony of the Commonweath Games and a door opens on the flying Tram, I don’t want to hear the two of you idiots talking over the top of each other with insightful stuff like:
– It seems to be a tram. With wings.
– Yes, it’s a flying tram. Sensational.
– It’s spectacular, isn’t it? I was on a tram several times today. In the great city of Melbourne.
The tram door opens
– Spectacular. The doors are now opening.
– Yes, John those doors are opening. Here in Melbourne. Magnificent.
Etc etc etc. These two must be getting paid by the word, because they just couldn’t shut up. What looked to be a spectacular opening to the games was utterly ruined for NZ TV audiences because two ex-rugby commentators (let’s face it, if they were still any good, Sky would have got them by now) thought we were watching it on Teletext. Sometimes the pictures can talk for themselves, chaps.
Being there – Chiefs v Crusaders
First, if you’re fool-hardy enough to attempt driving to Hamilton for a 7.30 kick off, leave central Auckland earlier than 4.45.Second, when you get to the general Rugby Park area at 7.20 wile driving, looking for a park and talking on the phone simultaneously, stressing out will help exactly no-one.
Third, park in the Whitiora Bible Chapel.
Fourth, Ticketmaster are utterly incompetent. By the time I reached the (single) pick up point, there was a massive queue with at least a couple of hundred people missing all the game at that point.
Fifth, after Dad’s heroics in the queue it was a huge relief to get to our seats, with Girl, Mum and Dad and N+J safely in tow. We were in the new (Brian Perry) stand, with its great sightlines, and typically easy access to booze and deep fried food. I was driving to the Mount for the weekend, afterwards, so only two Waikatos for me.
Sixth, we were lucky enough to sit behind a bunch of guys that were PISSED, and kept us entertained through the match by a) throwing bourbon and coke on each other b) loads of top class swearing c) spending long periods of the match in the bar d) falling asleep. I though they were going to be annoying but they turned out harmless enough, and like I said to the others, ‘hey, we’ve all been there’. Being shitfaced at the rubgy is as kiwi as thinking Greg Chappell is a wanker.
Seventh (I can’t be fucked counting any more) – It was a great game to be at. I’ve seen a few Canterbury v Waikato matches recently (including the stormer in the 2002 NPC where Waikato beat the All Blacks) and this one was right up there with them. The Crusaders were very, very good, and I think we did tremendous to keep up and almost nick it. Their defense was everywhere and took all the Chiefs could throw at it – though I would have liked to see Luaki have a go more with a had of steam up, instead of running off that stupid half step thing he does.
The Waikato defense was also impressive, save the first ten minutes (and I wasn’t even in the ground at that stage, so it doesn’t count), with Gibbes and Tuitupou
making huge hits. Still, the Crusaders showed in the final five minutes when the Chiefs had two huge chances to nick it why they’re champions – we cracked under the pressure, and threw that crucial last lineout in crooked. It’s like we were beaten by the Crusaders’ very reputation.
Other things:
– Can we have less ‘We Will Rock You’ played on the sound system? We get it. And playing the Feelers’ (shit band) “Stand up and be counted” when we went behind was a dick move, but I hate music being played at sport grounds in general.
– The Chiefs cheerleaders are HOT this year.
– McCaw and Holah are both huge.
– I saw Graham Henry and Brian Lohore under the stand looking very relaxed and smiling and nodding to punters afterwards while they waited for the crowd to piss off so they could go home. Could you imagine this happening in any other country?