The gravel in your sporting ice cream.
– Gilchrist’s 57 ball century – Gilly is cool, dogdy “I always walk / but sometimes like to appeal for obvious non-catches, too” stance aside
– Attention wincing fans! Here’s the 15 Greatest Mountain Bike crashes eva
– Before Spike Jonze became the guy being mean to Scarlett Johansson in Lost In Translation, he made skateboard videos – and pretty bloody well, too
– Worst sport movies ever – they’re no Carry Me Back, that’s for sure
Here’s one I prepared earlier at The Aucklandista…
Cricket’s a summer bat and ball game invented by England but perfected by the West Indies, India, Pakistan and Australia (boo!). Being English, there’s a whole bunch of complicated rules, but they won’t concern you when you’re deciding if you can still eat a hot dog dropped in a beer. Keen to get involved? There’s an FAQ after the jump…
Former flatmate and ace league reporter Steve Kilgallon threw me a frickin’ bone, commissioning this cartoon that appeared on honest to goodess newsprint in Sunday’s cricket supplement.
Click photo to make bigger
Hi. I’m Billy Bowden. I’m the guy that made cricket un-boring just by being zany – I do the dancing six signals and the daggy bent finger and that. Remember? There’s nothing I won’t do to put a smile on your dial!
So, last week I was at home watching ‘Bring It On!‘ to suss some new moves when I got a phone call. “Billy, we need you to save the series! Players are at each other’s fucking throats, they’re threatening to go home, and the TV bosses are darker than a nasty dose of Guinness shits! You’ve gotta come save us!” They chose the right guy.
Everyone knows laughter’s the best medicine. My career is testament to that. But this brouhaha is pretty blimmin’ serious, and it’ll take more than ol’ Billy hopping on one leg with a priceless expression on his face to fix it. No, this assignment calls for the big guns. Buckle up Australia, I’m bringing Marc Ellis and Ridgey with me.
I’ve got it all planned out, it’s gunna be brilliant. I’ll be out in the middle cracking everyone up with my patented whacky signals, while the fellas make Mums and Dads at home roll on the floor laughing with funny interviews. They’ll probably take off their clothes. In a funny way. I can just see Ridgey walking out to stick his car keys in the pitch wearing just his Y-fronts. Or something. We should probably get Mike King involved too, he’s probably not busy.
Those Aussies won’t know what hit ’em. You can’t lodge a formal complaint with the match referee when you’re cracking up laughing, eh! And after it’s all over and I’ve got all the autographs I need, we can have a cold one and a curry and everyone’ll say “thank goodness for Billy saving the day with laughter. Hang on – what’s he doing now? Oh I see. Ha hah hah ha ha. He never stops'”. It’s gunna be sweet.
Bangladesh have picked up many little tips from the Black Caps. “Instead of being bowled by Kyle Mills, I should have hit it for six!” said opener Junaid Siddique. “It’s so obvious.” The Black Caps role model what’s required at this level. “To relieve the tension, the Kiwi play ‘Who farted?'” said Ashraful. “They are true professionals.” New Zealand coach John Bracewell’s effortless media mastery has also impressed. “The way he ducks and weaves like a drunk man walking in mud fascinates me.” said Farhad Reza. “Lke the old saying, ‘Beware the wise snake wearing skin of ass.'”
Bangladesh celebrated with the Black Caps after the Queenstown match, observing first hand how a top class outfit winds down. “I look forward to playing ‘pokies’ and enjoying many drinks set on fire in the future” enthused Shahadat Hossain.
According to Bracewell, the Proteas’ unopposed romp through the Kiwi top order does not mark this humiliation out as anything special. “It’s been done. Steyn’s ten wickets is a point of interest but compare that with bowling us out for 26 – which one sticks in the memory? You need to improve the balance with the batting – Inzamam scored more runs on his own in 2002 than our whole team, for example. They’d want to destroy one of the youngsters’ sprit to the extent they give up the game completely, for example.”
Bracewell says South Africa’s attempt to improve on this attempted humiliation will create interest in the rest of the series. “We’ll have more guys out injured and be reeling after an evening of clear-the-air-bonding turns into protracted drunken recriminations. With my job hanging by the thinnest of threads, it’ll be up to South Africa to really get the foot on the throat and join the ranks of the great Black Caps humilators. It depends how much they want it.”
