Author: Richard Irvine

Newsflash – Bracewell calls for personality backup

SRNZPA: Black Caps coach John Bracewell has moved swiftly to bolster his squad’s personality by picking Napier hard case Colin Anderson, a specialist in pranking and high-jinks, to join the World Cup squad following Lou Vincent’s return home and uncertainty over Mark Gillespie’s shoulder.

“I don’t want to be caught in a situation where the utter lack of fun overwhelms the boys during the Super Eights” said Bracewell. “In the old days we had guys like Jerry Coney and Stephen Boock who’d tie Cairnsy’s shoes together or put a blue movie VHS in the Smash Palace box, but the current squad has no nutters at all. I was hoping Hamish Marshall’s hair would give the lads a laugh, but… nothing”.

Yesterday Colin Anderson was taking the piss out of his team mates in a Hawkes Bay Indoor Cricket team. Today he’s going to the World Cup. Addressing a hastily arranged press conference at Auckland International Airport, Anderson told reporters he was humbled by his last minute selection. “My feet have hardly touched the ground. To be honest, when Braces called I thought it was Boner having me on. I’ll have to say sorry to him for all the filthy language. And his Mum”.

“At 43, I’d almost given up on playing for New Zealand, but I’ve worked hard on my down-trous all winter, and I’m good squad cover cos I can do dirty jokes AND songs. Braces was obviously impressed by my 17.6 ear-ringing farts per bus trip. I’m gutted for Lou, but when these chances come along you have to grab them with both hands. I’m jumping out of my skin, it’s a dream come true, yeah”.

Anderson will join the squad in time for the mid-Super 8 “Vicars and Hoes” fancy dress party.

Links on Friday

– Rod Latham photo on TradeMe – This one’s going straight to the pool room
– Cricket World Cup youtube – Dwayne Leverock making the earth shake – he definitely practices wicket celebrations in the mirror. Plus – Herschelle Gibbes’ six sixes in an over
– Drunken sportsmen – some famous drunken hi-jinks over the years
– The New Wembley – I was lucky enough to get along to the Old Wembley a handful of times – including Michael Owen’s debut and Arsenal getting spanked by Barcelona (I didn’t “Stand up if you hate Tottenham”, though). This new one looks pretty blimmin impressive though, hey?
– The Beatles. With Zombies – you don’t know how happy it makes me to type those words
– The original Bottle Rocket – this is where Wes Anderson and Owen Wilson came from

Barmy Army tour report with Benjamen Tossington-Ryder


What-o! Well, the first week has been absolutely top class. No casualties to report so far, apart from Fossington-Garter – he tried to beat Brampton-Minor’s record of 43 Pink Gin and Tonics on the flight to the Caribbean, and was dreadfully sick. The entire first class cabin had to fart about in Oik class while it was sorted out. Frightful bore, Sir Mick was extremely annoyed.

I will say one thing – the Barmy Army’s organisation really has been first class. One of the chappies met us in the resort lobby with all the Barmy Army kit, I purchased some official golf balls, cargo shorts, a corkscrew, brolly, bag tags and locks, as well as a smashing tie. I even picked up a rather lovely logo-d Mount Blanc pen. The boys in the office will be awfully jealous.

The first match is against New Zealand. Those Kiwis are a queer lot. We got the better of those rotters when we flew in for the Lions’ tour – we were sat in the Hilton’s lounge bar after the third test singing “Who the ruddy hell are you?” and “Show us your Empire” all night long. Smashing. And Sir Clive truly is a splendid bloke, so easy to talk to.

Anyway, we finally met some New Zealanders in St Lucia, and after a spot of banter they challenged us to a boat race. Rather silly of them, as Quentington-Louvers’ father had had the catamaran sent ahead. The chaps rowed out, rigged up and were ready to race, but did those Kiwis show up? Not bloody likely. Scared of the Empire’s sailing prowess, what? Dreadfully disappointing.

Afterward we popped to the local night spot, when who should come into the VIP area but Andrew Flintoff! He immediately recognised Chortlington-Leatherington from the MCC fundraiser when he ran through the long room with only a Bacon and Egg tie on. Crackers, he is. Apparently the chaps had lost the match – well, we took a leaf out of the Kiwis’ book and challenged HIM to a boat race. We asked if he’d a boat, and he said he’d sort something out. And do you know, that dirty rotter never showed up either – god only knows what happened to him. Honestly.

Cricket World Cup – Weekend roundup

– Bond showed the slow pitches won’t stop him taking wickets. He sounded like Paddles Hadlee when takling about all the variations he was planning on using
– Great work from Styris (in particular) and Oram to steer us victory – watching big Jake Oram calmly working singles to chase down the Pom’s total was like watching the Incredible Hulk carefully doing the dishes
– Kyle Mills’ column in the Sunday Star Times had some great insight into our tactical approach – he’s heaps better at writing than sorting out his haircut
– The crowd had a bloody good time, complete with hordes of locals dancing around the pasty tourists. The Barmy Army were showing that carefree sense of rhythm Steve Davis is so renowned for
– Good on Ireland – beating Pakistan on Paddy’s Day, lead by the former captain of my old club. Ireland’s cricket fans are the most dedicated I’ve ever come across, considering the game’s about as popular as Will Carling over there. More on cricket in Ireland soon
– Poor old Bob Woolmer – what a way to go, on your own in some crappy hotel room knowing all of Pakistan hates you – and now Inzamam’s stepping down from one dayers too
– Freddie – what a legend. Luckily, we’re too boring for any of that

Links on Friday

– Berbatov stars for Spurs vs Braga in midweek UEFA cup action – that first goal is a thing of great, great beauty, not to mention Sheringham-esque. This guy can fark off
– Federer incredible shot – Nice guy Roddick’s all “You crazy Swiss guy!” but inside he’s like “DIE YOU %#*!@!, I’ll never win ANYTHING!!!”
– Robbie Savage @ the darts – this guy is a twat – a diving, whinging, dirty twat, and one of the most hated footballers in Britain. See what happens when a night out at the darts turns sour
– GQ’s 25 most stylish movies – where’s Topless Women Talk About Their Lives? Eh?
– A trip through Chuck Klosterman’s iPod – Interestingly, everyone’s fav Heavy Metal fan / bloody sharp writer doesn’t load ALL his music on his iPod, just the hits
– How to review stuff – A bullseye. That’s what this article calls to mind

Cricket World Cup 2007 – RSS, podcasts, blogs and ball by ball coverage guide

Ball by Ball commentary
Watching cricket on the Internet is water torture, but if you’re at work or worse, there’s loads of options
– BBC Live Coverage – seem to be taking a leaf out of the Guardian’s approach
– CricInfo Live Scores – the original and still the best, the have all the details and quick links to live stats
– Guardian Live coverage – some witty chaps do this, but beware of moaning about being the only one left in the office while everyone else is at the pub

World Cup Home Pages
– The Age (Melbourne)
– BBC
– CricInfo World Cup
– The Guardian World Cup (UK)
– NZ Herald World Cup
– The Times Cricket (UK)

RSS Feeds
– CricInfo New Zealand News
– CricInfo General News
– NZ Herald RSS

Blogs
– CricInfo Surfer
– CricInfo World Cup Monitor
– Guardian Sports blog – lots of WC coverage on here
– Sydney Morning Herald – The Tonk blog
– The Times (UK) Line and Length blog

Podcasts
– Beige Brigade BYC podcast
– Dropkicks – when they’re not busy making shit up (!)
– Guardian World Cup Show – if it’s as good as their football one, this will be great
– Lots of audio at CricInfo and The Times also

Handy
– World Cup Wallchart – start a sweepstake and win all your workmates’ cash!
– CricInfo mobile service – if your phone can surf the web, point it to CricInfo – really good for meetings and that
– If Shane Warne does anything stupid, it’ll probably come out here

Finally – apparently this World Cup will be a Bermuda triangle for productivity. Ahem.

A Crusaders fan with no interest whatsoever in Cricket previews the Cricket World Cup


The World Cup? Mate, well hopefully we’ll get a big fright against the Boks in the Semi, just to keep the boys focused, then clean up the Froggies in the final. That’ll farkin learn them for ’99… Eh?

Cricket? Hoo-farkin-ray. I know as much about Cricket as Fatty Walters knew about his 21st after we spiked his yardie with Pepe Lopez. That’s not a farkin lot, mate, I’ll tell ya. While you’re here, how come we have to put up with Ian Smith doing rugby? He might be built like a prop running a bakery but he knows as much about Rugby as my dog. Less, I reckon. Mate, tell you what, you guys can have Mex, that’s fair as.

Mate, I know one thing. The Black Caps are Farkin. Useless. They always fark it up. Back at school we’d gave the cricketers a hiding in the boat races. They’re worse than Poofballers, mate. Or Ali Williams. I’d only watch cricket if the 2004 Super 12 final was on the Rugby Channel, the dog was at the vet and the missus was home. I’d rather KNIT.

Is that a programme? Gis a look at the team… Jesus. Fleming? That guy is a farkin liability, I’ve NEVER seen him score ANY runs, and he still gets in the team, mate. Unbelievable. A bloody Aucklander in a Cantab’s body.

Taylor? McCullum? Never heard of them. Vettori? Sounds like a poofball player. Bloody looks like one too. What happened to Rod Latham? They should get him back. And Lee Germon. Mate.

Hang on. Kenya? Ireland? Farkin Bermuda? Jesus, look at the guts on that guy – six weeks chopping piss in the West Indies, it’s gunna be Farkin. Massive. Growing the game? Growing Bermudan bellies more like. Heh.

Anyway, the Black Caps need someone like Robbie Deans, mate. He’d be farkin ace, he’s won like 8 Super 12’s, and those bloody Aucklanders won’t let him have the ABs. That’s it – Deans and Marshall, get Justin in the team, we’d win this bloody World Cup. Not that I’D give a shit, mate. Are we done?

…and then Richie said to me “Get out of my way, you pillock”. Happiest day of my life, mate.

Links on Friday

– Public Address has Cricket World Cup coverage – That’s me farked then. Those bastards have even set up a sport satire blog that’s actually funny. *Sigh*
– Curtly Ambrose – too cool for school. Compare this to, say, Brett Lee’s wicket celebrations. To mangle Pinetree’s quote, it’s still called cricket, but it’s just not the same…
– Valencia v Inter rumble midweek – Arsenal. Heh
– Jonty Rhodes – bless. I remember that World Cup of 92 and how cool and novel it was seeing the South Africans for the first time. They even had the aging Barry Richards, didn’t they?
– This is wrong on so many levels – I could imagine Sharon off Kath and Kim getting one, though.
– Frank Worthington – great goal