Author: Richard Irvine

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The IRB have moved swiftly to maintain public interest in weakened touring teams by introducing a minimum of one freaky-looking guy per team. France’s Sebastian Chabal was picked out by the cameras ahead of Saturday’s France v New Zealand international, and the IRB think they may just have stumbled on a winner. IRB Chairman Syd Millar said “Focus group testing showed the Kiwi public reacted very positively to Chabal picking up on his ‘mad, staring eyes’ and ‘feral, caveman-like appearance’. Now, when Northern Hemisphere team can’t be arsed sending any decent players on tour, the freaky-looking can create real interest for the rugby public.”

IRB Marketing manager Seamus Healy said “Our great game prides itself on having a place for men of all shapes and sizes, and that goes for the freaky-looking too. Just look at some of the greats of the game, who’ve represented their countries with distinction such as Vuninbaka, Janie De Beer, and John Eales. At school and club level the freaky-looking have long been embraced, and it’s time the international game got on board.”

The new rules, which are being trialled in South Africa, state teams must include a minimum of one freaky-looking player, one that’s pretty ugly, with a spare freak on the bench that can play hooker or half back. Millar said “Freaky-ness can be defined as having an unusual physique, having a distinctive haircut or running style, or even unusual accessories like gloves or pantyhose. Keith Woods looked a lot like Uncle Fester from The Addams Family, so he could be classed as freaky-looking, for example. We’re totally open on this.”

Rival codes American Football and Equestrian expressed concern about Rugby pillaging their stocks of freaky-looking athletes, but Healy was quick to reassure them that Rugby had “Stacks of freaks of our own. Stacks”.

SRNZPA: She’s a hard road finding the perfect city, but the people of ‘Tagotown agree they’ve come pretty close. New Zealand’s newest city has risen from the ashes of the intense debate between the region’s rugby folk and the usual gang of lefty whinging soft cocks. The pro-stadium faction took matters into their own hands and erected a wall between the former Dunedin and their new home, ‘Tagotown. The wall runs from east to west through the the Octogon, and is comprised of worn out tackle bags and couches, many of which have been set on fire.

Wall foreman Steve Hotten laid out some of the city’s founding principles in an oration to the ‘Tagotown people upon the wall’s completion. “It’s pretty farkin simple. Number one – we’re building a stadium. Number two – we support Otago. There’s no number three. If you wanna wear bone carvings, go to Dunedin.”

‘Tagotown has rapidly become a fully formed community with it’s own culture and traditions. It’s a throwback to a quieter, simpler time, where cheerful, brutal mob justice rules. Entry to the city limits is obtained by answering questions on the mid 90’s Otago sides’ most glorious failures, and torpedoing a Speights can in under 4.6 seconds. Drinking and driving is legal here, and whale is back on the menu at local eateries. Every Friday at lunchtime a student from Auckland is pelted with fruit and eggs while being driven down Dave Latta Drive in stocks, to peals of laughter of local townsfolk.

Lord Mayor Laurie Mains praised the special spirit that’s created ‘Tagotown. “It’s extremely heartening to see this kind of initiative from the people of the South – it makes me bloody proud to be a southern man.” He said, adding “We were poisoned the night before the ’95 final, and it wasn’t my fault that we lost”.

The editor of the Otago Daily Times said the paper would be largely unaffected by the change.

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SRNZPA: Being World Cup favorites doesn’t get you out of doing dishes. That’s All Black manager Darren Shand’s message to the class of 2007. “These guys reckon magic fairies come in here and clean up” explains Shand. “People say this is a special team, but they’re not special at cleaning up, I tell ya. Sometimes I want to pick the wet towels off the floor and throw them in the bin. They’d soon learn then.”

Players arrived at camp to find notices reminding them to wash their own dishes, and keep noise to a minimum near Steve Hansen’s room after 8.30pm, amongst others. “WINNING All Blacks are TIDY All Blacks!!!!” and “SEATZ ARE NOT FOR FEET!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” are typical examples. “It’s just an informal way to remind everyone of their duties. I’m not the big boss around here, though, so I chucked in some fun themes and clip art.” said Shand.

Two examples of Shand’s notices. Click to enlarge.

“It’s really vexing” said player spokesman Anton Oliver. “It’s like he’s trying to establish a totalitarian autocracy around here. His spelling and punctuation are pretty fucked, and that capitalisation…”. Aaron Mauger was equally unimpressed. “They’re just so fucking preachy, it’s ‘do this’, ‘do that’ and ‘everyone’s gunna burst into tears if you don’t clean up’. It’s like having your Mum at camp. At least Mum would bring some baking. MAYBE I could handle this from someone like Colin Meads, but from Benchy… it’s not on.”

This early player irritation contrasts with 2006, when Shand didn’t start pissing players off until midway through the Tri Nations.