Author: Richard Irvine

Hawera man wants Sevens crowd to sit down, shut up, watch game

SRPA: Don Singely of Hawera came out swinging today, outraged by the Wellington Sevens’ crowd behaviour over the weekend. “They’re not REAL sevens fans. Anyone would think they don’t care about Tonga v the USA at all.” By his estimation, Singely shouted “Siddown!” 47 times, “Shut-up!” 23 times, “Watch the game!” 56 times, and “Why don’t you fuck off back to Auckland, you Johnny-fuck-knuckle Village People reject?” a formidable 315 times.

Singely’s highlights of the weekend included the Samoa v Fiji nailbiter; “Magic”, and a man dressed as a parking warden tripping and landing on his face; “Halarious!”. Singely missed New Zealand’s thrilling last minute win having already left Wellington Stadium to beat the traffic.

Links on Friday

– Gilchrist’s 57 ball century – Gilly is cool, dogdy “I always walk / but sometimes like to appeal for obvious non-catches, too” stance aside

– Attention wincing fans! Here’s the 15 Greatest Mountain Bike crashes eva

– Before Spike Jonze became the guy being mean to Scarlett Johansson in Lost In Translation, he made skateboard videos – and pretty bloody well, too

– Worst sport movies ever – they’re no Carry Me Back, that’s for sure

Cross post: Guide to Cricket this summer

Here’s one I prepared earlier at The Aucklandista…

Cricket’s a summer bat and ball game invented by England but perfected by the West Indies, India, Pakistan and Australia (boo!). Being English, there’s a whole bunch of complicated rules, but they won’t concern you when you’re deciding if you can still eat a hot dog dropped in a beer. Keen to get involved? There’s an FAQ after the jump…

Continue reading “Cross post: Guide to Cricket this summer”

Links on Friday (on Saturday)

Welcome to the new pad, don’t worry ’bout taking your shoes off. I decided to get a little more serious about this, and have been pissing about with WordPress and the like for the last month or so. Now it’s live I should have a little more time to actually write something. Anyway, here’s some links.

– Alan Shearer won’t be joining King Kev at Newcastle. Good, I reckon Shearer’s a dick, and everyone loves Kev, right? Here’s poor old Neil Lennon headbutting Shearer’s foot – he’s not so tough when Keano gets involved, though

– Sky Sport UK’s Jeff Stelling goes off on one defending Oop North. Magic

– Myself and Ms Sportreview have a little bundle of joy on the way – this parenting lark looks pretty easy, though eh

– A new white middle class complaint every day. We need a good war to sort this lot out, team

We beat the scum 5-1


Spurs beat Arsenal 5-1 in the second leg of the Carling Cup (bite on that, Cactus Kate). Yeah, it was only Arsenal’s kids, and only the Carling Cup, but I’ll take it. Spurs had a similar hoodoo against Chelsea, and we broke that in the Carling Cup before beating them in the league, so it’s a good sign, I reckon. Thoughts:

– It’s good to move from the Jol unpleasantness. Ramos likes his teams to play fairly directly, and we hit them on the break for at least two goals. Nothing wrong with that, and we’re relying less on long punts from Robinson (who’s dropped now anyway, and was apparently skulking in the tunnel at final whistle). The players have been training very hard indeed from reports

– Jenas was on fire, and this win was less reliant on Berbatov magic. A good sign if he’s on his way, but I’d love to keep him, ‘cos he’s class

– The Guardian’s Fiver reports that Arsenal’s Adebayo thumped teammate Nicklas Bendtner, which is great, but points out Arsenal are still in the title race, Champion’s League, and FA Cup, whic is fair enough. Still some catching up to do, alright

– Reading reports from the UK that Glen Hoddle in the studio did a subtle fist pump when the 5th went in and said ‘another one’. No word on fellow pundit Paul Merson’s thoughts at the time – he probably lost a bundle

– Goals here – loved the camera shaking at 4-0, and the Gooners walking out

Links on Friday

– Peyton Manning coaching kids’ football – “Go sit in the portaloo for twenty minutes! WHY is the door open?” You have got to be firm with youngsters, team.
– Ramsay’s Fucking Kitchen Nightmares – heh
– Raiders of the lost ark lego set – make all your dreams of escaping from poison darts and rolling rocks on the lounge floor come true
– Jason Kottke’s best links 2007 – links that are actually good

Only Marc Ellis and Ridgey can save India v Australia!

Hi. I’m Billy Bowden. I’m the guy that made cricket un-boring just by being zany – I do the dancing six signals and the daggy bent finger and that. Remember? There’s nothing I won’t do to put a smile on your dial!

So, last week I was at home watching ‘Bring It On!‘ to suss some new moves when I got a phone call. “Billy, we need you to save the series! Players are at each other’s fucking throats, they’re threatening to go home, and the TV bosses are darker than a nasty dose of Guinness shits! You’ve gotta come save us!” They chose the right guy.

Everyone knows laughter’s the best medicine. My career is testament to that. But this brouhaha is pretty blimmin’ serious, and it’ll take more than ol’ Billy hopping on one leg with a priceless expression on his face to fix it. No, this assignment calls for the big guns. Buckle up Australia, I’m bringing Marc Ellis and Ridgey with me.

I’ve got it all planned out, it’s gunna be brilliant. I’ll be out in the middle cracking everyone up with my patented whacky signals, while the fellas make Mums and Dads at home roll on the floor laughing with funny interviews. They’ll probably take off their clothes. In a funny way. I can just see Ridgey walking out to stick his car keys in the pitch wearing just his Y-fronts. Or something. We should probably get Mike King involved too, he’s probably not busy.

Those Aussies won’t know what hit ’em. You can’t lodge a formal complaint with the match referee when you’re cracking up laughing, eh! And after it’s all over and I’ve got all the autographs I need, we can have a cold one and a curry and everyone’ll say “thank goodness for Billy saving the day with laughter. Hang on – what’s he doing now? Oh I see. Ha hah hah ha ha. He never stops'”. It’s gunna be sweet.

sport review best of 2007

I’m stoked 2007 is over, sports-wise. After three World Cups and a big yacht race for no trophies, we’re left to pick up the pieces after a year of early starts, late finishes, big build-ups and crushing disappointments. What have we learned? Nothing, if you believe Henry’s reappointment was a mistake (which I don’t), but 2008 will be very interesting indeed, with Robbie Deans leaving the rabid for success for the slightly shit. So bollocks to 2007, but it’s time to get over it.

Luckily, blogging-wise, I’ve really enjoyed it. Getting a cartoon in the paper was nice (another one soon!). I liked this one. And this one. This wasn’t a good idea.I loved making up news stories.

In 2008, I really need to get my shit together with a proper domain (keep your eye on sportreview.net.nz) and WordPress, particularly before sportreview jr. comes along.

Here’s my best for 2007.

Sporting moment
Hard one. A couple of America’s Cup races were pretty amazing. I’m too childish to nominate Fiji v South Africa. Oher than a few Berbatov goals, it’s looking pretty bleak. I’m going for Luaki handing off Richie McCaw – it’s been that kind of year.

Web
Guardian Unlimited (football and sport) remain my go-tos for sport news, writing, and youtube clips. Locally, the Dropkicks podcast is the best in NZ sport on the web. I love the communities springing up at Sportsfreak and The Silver Fern – I wish I had more time to participate. I joined Facebook, and found it great for finding the long lost, but kind of annoying otherwise. I discovered last.fm. I really enjoy Public Address and Jason Kottke, still.

Links on Friday
– Richie Benaud on the underarm
– Zombie vs Shark
– Never poke a big cat with a stick
– Full Metal Wii
– The Mack vs the Nuge

Albums
Person Pitch – Panda Bear (thanks, Fraser), Happy Ending – Phoenix Foundation, Sound of Silver – LCD Soundsystem

Book
The Yiddish Policeman’s Union – Micheal Chabon

Films
Superbad, The Devil Dared Me To, Hot Fuzz

Top three songs on last .fm
Ramble Tamble – Creedence
Fourtunate Son – Creedence
Sleepwalk – Santo & Johnny