Author: Richard Irvine

Welcome to sportreview.net.nz - here's a bit about the site. Here I am on Twitter, or email me at richard (at) richardirvine dot com.

Delhi officials concede Otago scarfie interior design firm were poor choice

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NEWSDESK: Commonwealth Games officials have admitted contracting Otago University student interior design firm Yardglass, Cistern and Crack to decorate Athlete’s Village may have been the wrong move. “I don’t know what kind of squalor these ‘students’ live in, but this is unholy. I can understand a few baked beans on a ceiling, but in every room? That growth I encountered in a lavatory is making it hard for me to sleep,” said Hon. Michael Fennell of the organising committee.

A spokesman for Yardglass, Cistern and Crack said the athlete’s village design was consistent with their earlier work. “We need a bit of perspective – no-one’s shat in anyone’s bed yet.” The spokesman pointed to several years experience decorating student flats in Dunedin with a 65% bond refund strike rate as well as innovations like astroturf carpeting, longdrop toilet conversions and a fridge in the lounge.

“Athletes bringing a synchronised swimmer back to their room may want to leave the light off, but that’s standard practice where we’re from.”

YC&C admitted cultural differences and the fact games officials thought their architectural model was something someone had spilled had lead to confusion, and promised emergency remedial work immediately. An engineer was later seen heading to the athlete’s village with an industrial roll of Glad Wrap.

Fresh concerns emerged last last night about a related Otago events management company’s plans for the opening ceremony titled ‘Slumdog 500’, involving a number of barely road worthy vehicles, drunk driving and civil unrest.

Dadrock holiday

sportreview is going on holiday for a few days, to that country to the west. Posts will be even more sporadic than usual until we get back – I’ll update the twitter if anything of interest happens, but I’m more interested in that parked on arse / reading / drinking beer love triangle, to be fair.

Anyway. Here’s a few links to keep you going:

– Rob Smyth on the Pakistan spot gambling scandal

– Making football legends at the Ajax academy

– The Guardian’s joy of six page on penalties and one-twos

– Puny writer type takes on proper tennis player in a mission to win one point

– Is test cricket on the ropes?

– LA Dodgers Star Wars night

Cricket rocked by Healy fucking idiotic comment fix

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NEWSDESK: sportreview.net.nz can exclusively reveal that popular Channel Nine commentator Ian Healy has been taking large sums of cash in return for delivering fucking idiotic comments to order, so as to game the fucking idiotic comment spot gambling market.

A sportreview.net.nz reporter went undercover to meet Healy in his hotel. “He was keen to do a deal. He even demonstrated a few fucking idiotic comments in the room to show he could do the business. It could have just been him talking, but still… they were pretty idiotic.”

Healy outlined how it would work:

HEALY: “I’ll be in the booth just after the first drinks break. Richie’ll come on first crapping on about the score or something, then I’ll come in with something fucking idiotic.”

REPORTER: “How will we know it’s our comment?”

HEALY: “You’ll know, mate. You’ll know.”

Our reporter said “Healy delivered the goods – it was like clockwork. First thing out of his mouth was ‘Here comes Ricky Ponting, you can tell by his arm hair he’s got the freshest armpits in the game. That’s the mark of a true Aussie champion.’ We could’ve cleaned up at the bookie’s with that and fully got our money’s worth.” Healy went on to deliver two more fucking idiotic comments during that day’s play, causing his fellow commentators to remark on their idiocy at the time.

Healy’s Channel Nine colleagues were saddened that Healy has bought the fucking idiotic into disrepute: “This kind of fucking idiocy needs to be weeded out of the game, so we can get back to a more innocent, genuine kind of fucking idiocy,” said Bill Lawry.  When confronted with the allegations, Healy challenged our reporter to pick out the planted comments from his normal commentary: “Mate, just about everything I say is fucking idiotic – that goes for in the booth, and at home. That’s the mark of a true Aussie champion.”

Warriors hardman suffers really awesome leg gash

NEWSDESK: Warriors second rower Michael Luck is out for at least a week with a totally wicked gash to his leg. When Anthony Watmough’s boot scraped Luck’s leg in an innocous looking tackle, it opened up an 18cm wound, in a freak occurance that fucking rules. Luck’s boot quickly filled with blood, which was exacerbated by the Warriors players making the wound ‘talk’ for a laugh.

The sweet-as injury has been likened to a shark bite by Luck’s team mates: “Or a gorilla, a gorilla could’ve done that. With its teeth,” said Warriors captain Simon Mannering. “Maybe a bear,” said utility back Lance Hohaia. “One thing’s for sure, I’m going to watch the shit out of it on My Sky.”

Luck was rushed to hospital immeditely after medical staff, stadium security and fans had finished taking photos of his exposed muscle tissue with their mobile phones. “Mate, this is up there with Cowboy Lonergan’s ‘Help! I’m stuck in washing machine!’ bit from ’91,” said the Mad Butcher, who has ‘Lucky Offal’ on sale all this week at $8.99 a kilo.

NZRFU unveil special ‘non-playing’ role for Sonny Bill

NEWSDESK: NZRFU CEO Steve Tew this morning revealed details of a special non-playing role for new signing Sonny Bill Williams. “Sonny Bill has already created huge interest in the NPC and Canterbury club rugby, with appearances limited to walking through Westfield mall food courts wearing jandals. We’re looking to dimension that onto the national stage.”

The form of All Black midfielders Ma’a Nonu and Conrad Smith has freed Williams to explore other channels for his talents: “There’s a wealth of options on the table for Sonny Bill – riding on the team bus wearing headphones, running through crowds of reporters and getting really good at rugby on the XBox. We’ll probably encourage him to tweet about it,” said Tew.

Other off field opportunties include a possible charity boxing match against Simon Dallow (“Simon has a lot of anger,” commented Dallow’s representative), and a rumored contract for Williams to drive a Hummer around Tamaki Drive to promote woman’s hockey.