Month: May 2007

SRNZPA: She’s a hard road finding the perfect city, but the people of ‘Tagotown agree they’ve come pretty close. New Zealand’s newest city has risen from the ashes of the intense debate between the region’s rugby folk and the usual gang of lefty whinging soft cocks. The pro-stadium faction took matters into their own hands and erected a wall between the former Dunedin and their new home, ‘Tagotown. The wall runs from east to west through the the Octogon, and is comprised of worn out tackle bags and couches, many of which have been set on fire.

Wall foreman Steve Hotten laid out some of the city’s founding principles in an oration to the ‘Tagotown people upon the wall’s completion. “It’s pretty farkin simple. Number one – we’re building a stadium. Number two – we support Otago. There’s no number three. If you wanna wear bone carvings, go to Dunedin.”

‘Tagotown has rapidly become a fully formed community with it’s own culture and traditions. It’s a throwback to a quieter, simpler time, where cheerful, brutal mob justice rules. Entry to the city limits is obtained by answering questions on the mid 90’s Otago sides’ most glorious failures, and torpedoing a Speights can in under 4.6 seconds. Drinking and driving is legal here, and whale is back on the menu at local eateries. Every Friday at lunchtime a student from Auckland is pelted with fruit and eggs while being driven down Dave Latta Drive in stocks, to peals of laughter of local townsfolk.

Lord Mayor Laurie Mains praised the special spirit that’s created ‘Tagotown. “It’s extremely heartening to see this kind of initiative from the people of the South – it makes me bloody proud to be a southern man.” He said, adding “We were poisoned the night before the ’95 final, and it wasn’t my fault that we lost”.

The editor of the Otago Daily Times said the paper would be largely unaffected by the change.

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SRNZPA: Being World Cup favorites doesn’t get you out of doing dishes. That’s All Black manager Darren Shand’s message to the class of 2007. “These guys reckon magic fairies come in here and clean up” explains Shand. “People say this is a special team, but they’re not special at cleaning up, I tell ya. Sometimes I want to pick the wet towels off the floor and throw them in the bin. They’d soon learn then.”

Players arrived at camp to find notices reminding them to wash their own dishes, and keep noise to a minimum near Steve Hansen’s room after 8.30pm, amongst others. “WINNING All Blacks are TIDY All Blacks!!!!” and “SEATZ ARE NOT FOR FEET!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” are typical examples. “It’s just an informal way to remind everyone of their duties. I’m not the big boss around here, though, so I chucked in some fun themes and clip art.” said Shand.

Two examples of Shand’s notices. Click to enlarge.

“It’s really vexing” said player spokesman Anton Oliver. “It’s like he’s trying to establish a totalitarian autocracy around here. His spelling and punctuation are pretty fucked, and that capitalisation…”. Aaron Mauger was equally unimpressed. “They’re just so fucking preachy, it’s ‘do this’, ‘do that’ and ‘everyone’s gunna burst into tears if you don’t clean up’. It’s like having your Mum at camp. At least Mum would bring some baking. MAYBE I could handle this from someone like Colin Meads, but from Benchy… it’s not on.”

This early player irritation contrasts with 2006, when Shand didn’t start pissing players off until midway through the Tri Nations.

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SRNZPA: Inventory manager Nick Ungar, 38, is largely to blame for the Crusaders’ exit from the Super 14 at the semi final stage according to staff at Christchurch’s Star Paper Ltd. The Crusaders have long counted on their phenomenal fans, and Ungar’s less than wholehearted support is being seen in a decisive factor in the loss to the Bulls in Pretoria.

Star’s accounts receivable supervisor Dave Goodman held an inpromtu post mortem around the photocopier and concluded Ungar’s lack of commitment has cost the franchise a record seventh title. “What’s the first thing Richie or Robbie says when they win? Yip, ‘I’d like to thank the fans’. There’s no way we can win otherwise. No way”. Goodman went on to explain that he wasn’t crying, he just had something in his eye.

Incidents that seemed merely strange at the time are now being viewed as turning points in the season, like Ungar’s Monday morning enquiry of the score between the Crusaders and the Bulls in the round robin. He also asked “Who’s Chris Jack ?” when the legendary lock’s knee injury was featured on pages 1, 2, 3, 9, and 23 of the Christchurch Press.

“I knew he wasn’t right at on ‘Wear your jersey to work. A Crusaders jersey.’ day” said social club organiser Gareth Buck. “He came in some kind of Squash club tracksuit top – it was red and black alright, but the sleeves were green. I had him on about it and he kind of went ‘oh, really?’ and kept on checking his email. I’m not surprised we lost. Not fucking surprised at all”.

The final straw came when Ungar failed to join a team outing to Jade Stadium for the Chiefs match, instead preferring to celebrate his fifth wedding anniversary by taking his wife to dinner. That decision was to cost the Crusaders the advantage of a home semi final and ultimately the title. “What a girl” said Goodman, adding “If he doesn’t get on board at World Cup time and we lose, he’s dead meat”.

The Crusaders organisation have made it clear they take a dim view. “Other teams shit themselves when they play us as they know the whole Canterbury public are behind the boys. The WHOLE public, not just those that can be bothered” said a Crusaders spokesman. “If Ungar doesn’t wake the fuck up we’ll be forced to review Star Paper Ltd’s supply of posters, mini-rugby balls and inflatable swords”. Former players Justin Marshall and Andrew Merthens released a joint statement warning the franchise’s catchment area that behaviour like Ungar’s is directly responsible for senior players seeking playing opportunites overseas.

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SRNZPA: Harewa resident Mark ‘Gates’ Gately is cautiously optimistic of staying awake to watch television coverage of this weekend’s Super 14 Semi Finals from South Africa. With the Blues and Sharks kicking off at 1am NZ standard time followed by The Bulls versus the Crusaders at 3.30am, Gately sees remaining conscious for both matches as a realistic goal, despite getting right off his chops. “This is where the years of experience start to pay off”.

Gately, who lives alone, admits to mistakes in the past. “I thought I did everything right for the World Cup Final in 95 – came home early, TV on, I’d just sat down and cracked open a Tui… next thing it’s 6 o’ bloody clock in the morning. Those two steak and cheese from the servo did me in – schoolboy error, that.”

Golden oldies team mate Dave McFee clearly believes “Soft bollock” Gately will fall asleep. “If he makes it through both semis, I’ll go to prize giving in farkin’ make-up. He’s piss weak, that’s his problem”. McFee feels he’s identified some fatal flaws in the plan despite Gately’s optimism. “He’ll have a few pints, couple of pies, lights out. Same old story – he’s got no show.”

Gately feels meticulous preparation is crucial to enjoying rugby when totally shitfaced. “I’ve got the lounge all kitted out. After Dawn moved out I moved the ‘fridge and microwave into the lounge – I’ve heaps of coke, coffee and baked beans ready to go. And Bourbon. As long as I leave the club rooms across the field and avoid the service station and the pies, I’ll be right”.

Any rugby watched after 8.30pm will be a reversal of recent form, following his protracted snoring through Chiefs v Crusaders, the second half of Hurricanes v NSW, almost all of the Cricket World Cup and his nephew Daryl’s 21st birthday celebrations.

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The very future of our national game plunged deep into the shit when it was revealed star first five Dan Carter is heading overseas. He joins the legions of players, including current All Blacks Chris Jack, Aaron Mauger and Byron Kelleher who are heading overseas, to take up the barely comprehensibly massive packages on offer to top players in this day and age. Rugby insiders say scouts from big spending clubs in England and France spend most of their time licking their lips at the prospect of getting their filthy hands on the All Blacks, often while drinking wine or warm beer.

New Zealand, a small green country at the end of the earth with only four million people whose spirit was forged from this rugged land with number eight wire ingenuity, cannot hope to retain their Weet-Bix raised top players on the puny Kiwi dollar. Carter’s news should see every single New Zealander, including Kiwis living offshore and those too young to fully understand, unable to sleep tonight.

Carter confirmed yesterday he was heading overseas: “Yeah, I’m going to South Africa for the Super 14 Semi and maybe the Final. I’ll be back there for the Tri Nations, and Aussie too. Then there’s the World Cup of course, which is in France. I may get one of those cheap deals to Fiji at the end of the year, we’ll see how it goes”.