Black Caps T20 World Cup exit FAQ

Q: What the fuck? What the fucking fuck?

A: We went out to England, who’d already qualified for the next round, minus their best player, who went home to help his wife have a baby.

Q: Their best player went home to have a baby? Can’t they ALL have babies? We’d win then, eh?

A: Getting every England players’ WAG pregnant and due to give birth around the time of our second round encounter would have proved morally and logistically challenging. And then where does it end? Do we get all the Aussies’ WAGs pregnant too? And what about Lara Bingle? What if we’d got her pregnant just before she split from Michael Clarke? She seems pretty unstable now, judging from the headlines of womans’ magazines can’t help but glance at while walking to the bus. Imagine her as a solo mum, pushing a pram around a mall all jacked up on hormones. Things would get even freakier than they are now.

Q: But jesus fuck, you told us we were the dark horses! We were the dark horses, right?

A: Well, yeah, one of the pre-reqs of being a dark horse is playing well and that.

Q: But we’ve got a top order capable of pummelling attacks like Tong Grieg pummels the English language!

A: Blame cow corner.

Cow corner – the dream: In the mind of an NZ cricketer, cow corner is a magical place where cows frolic with dolphins and fly above the water to a happy place, a place of glory, a place where no harm can possibly come.
Cow corner – the reality: trouble.

The Black Caps batsmen’s obsession with cow corner, and weird refusal to pay ANY shots on the off side throughout their innings against England would prove to be their undoing, with no less than 43 batsmen serving catches up to square leg like meals on very disappointing wheels. Yes, their shot selection could be questioned. At least they’ve stopped trying to ‘feather’ the straight ones into the stumps for the moment, small mercies and all that.

Q: That Ryan Sidebottom’s really, really, really annoying, isn’t he?

A: Yes, the fact he runs like a page 3 girl is most annoying for me.

Q: Where to from here for NZ?

A: First we play Sri Lanka three times in the USA, in the “Yee-ha!” series, for the “Hoo-boy!” trophy, bought to you by “Riding around in pickups hitting letterboxes with baseball bats and taking a heck of a lickin’ off the old man the next day,” to bring the charms of leather on willow to an un-enthused nation, following football’s excellent example. After that? God only knows. FAQs like this probably aren’t helping, but neither is cow corner.

Black Caps in the West Indies: Party Time! Excellent!

Lock up your sun lounger and towel – the Black Caps are in the West Indies and ready to par-tay. Any student worth their beer bong knows you need to chop a few at home before you go into town, and so the Caps warmed upwith a 7 run win against the Windies before the cup kicks off proper.Even though it was a warm up game, most of the team didn’t bother warming up, and left the scoring runs and getting wickets and that to ‘Black To The Future’ duo Scott ‘The’ Styris and Jake ‘Snake’ Oram.
Oram and Styris light their farts in the general direction of the Australian team hotel
While getting one over your hosts is a good thing, acclimatising to local conditions is crucial also. When you step off the plane to find bodies in the sand, tropical drinks melting in your hand and steel drum bands after a month of eating Christchurch shopping mall food court lunches with the Crusaders, it’s easy to lose your head. The bars and beachs of the Caribbean have been a graveyard for touring teams over the years:
Fred ‘Andrew’ Flintoff prepares for a cruise on the HMS Ian Botham
The Caps go into this tournament in the now trademark role as Dark Horses™. It’s a fact that all cricket writers and TV analysts are contractually obliged to mention New Zealand as ‘possible semifinalists’, ‘dark horses’, capable of ‘suprising teams’, and ‘could go all the way’ in tournament previews, while laughing openly at previous semi final capitulations over port in the Hilton each night.
Black Beauty here is a Dark Horse™, black (like the caps) and about the size of NZ’s chances of winning the tournament.
The tournament will be an interesting come down from the recent IPL, more Ewan Gilmor than Julian Clary, and will hopefuly be better run than the last West Indian World Cup, which lasted several years. Jesse, and backing up the captain and old pros’ form will be key for us. Go Caps.