cricket world cup 2007

“At the bar, you’re getting all the atmosphere. They’ve got some pretty decent numbers for the second innings considering it starts at sparrow’s fart. We’re still going on that meat pack they raffled for the Ireland match, too”. The increased chances of alcohol consumption are a major factor in his decision. “If I’m at the bar, and we’re winning, I’ll probably have a jug. Be rude not to. Then again, I’ll probably have one if we’re losing too. Elsie’d kill me if I had a drink at home before midday” he said.

There are major doubts about his couch as a viable option. “At home you can concentrate on the match alright and see all the replays, but there’s about as much atmosphere as a Richard Petrie fan club AGM. Elsie will be asking where Chris bloody Harris is every five minutes, too.”

McDonnell concluded his wife’s concern about neighbours’ opinion of the deck that’s needed painting for three years while he’s sitting on his arse in the middle of the day, for heaven’s sake would curtail his enjoyment of the match and that “I’ll be at the Cossie. Fuck it.” He went on to express similar concerns about his ability to peacefully view this years’ America’s Cup yacht racing and Rugby World Cup. A TV in the shed was one option being considered.

A jubilant Ricky Ponting told journalists “The boys are made up. No-one gave us a VB’s chance in Warney’s fridge to win, but we showed some real ticker in here to pull it out. Every Australian can be proud of their team. We’re going to enjoy ourselves tonight, yeah.”

Australia were almost written off early, making schoolboy errors like identifying Bob Hawke as The Muppet Show’s Sam the Eagle in the world leaders round. Crucially, their choice of double point Joker round was ‘Offensively Moronic Commentators’, in which the Channel Nine team featuring heavily.

South Africa established a massive lead early on, before being slowly dragged back to the pack. Sean Pollock proved his worth as a world class all rounder in the music round, picking up a Stock, Aitken Waterman hat trick of Kylie Minouge, Sinitta and the Reynolds Girls in quick succession. “There are a lot of long faces at that table” admitted Pollock. “I’m disappointed ‘cos we haven’t learned from our mistakes – I’m not looking forward to facing the music back home.”

Dark Horses New Zealand made the semi finals with a minimum of fuss, and were many critic’s choice for the title, but spectacularly collapsed on the ‘Celebrity Babies’ round. Stephen Fleming said “I’m gutted, Ham Marshall bought a stack New Ideas with him, and I thought our gossip was going to very, very strong indeed. We argued and argued over Bruce Willis and Demi Moore’s kids names. I wrote down Scout, but Macca rubbed it out and put Brownie. That’s quizzing, I guess.”

The Super Surprise round had been kept under wraps until now, and is designed to re-ignite interest in a tournament that’s come under heavy criticism for its confusing format and sparse crowds. “And you thought we we had nothing” said ICC chief executive Malcolm Speed.

The Ashburton barber and Lions club member of 25 years poured scorn on Richard’s view that “You just get the feeling they’re peaking at the right time, and they’ve got all contingencies covered”. “He’s talking out his arse – the day the Black Caps win the World Cup is the day I run down the main drag with a bloody Blues jersey on. No way, mate.”

MacFarlane’s claims are based on historical precedents. “We had it on a plate in ‘92. Playing at home on our pitches, with our crowds, we never had it better. We just need to put the foot on Pakistan’s throat, but it all turned to shit. 99? Farked it up. 2003? Farked it up.” said MacFarlane, who added this was “typical” and that the Black Caps were “a pack of farkin chokers”.

The former Shirley lock forward was equally scathing about former Australian Test Skipper Ian Chappell’s assessment that “only New Zealand has the skill and courage to challenge Australia in the World Cup cricket final”. “Whatever” retorted the South Island-based fuckwit. “That’s the biggest lot of shit I’ve ever heard”, adding “they’ll all be injured by the time we play a decent team, anyway.”

“I don’t want to be caught in a situation where the utter lack of fun overwhelms the boys during the Super Eights” said Bracewell. “In the old days we had guys like Jerry Coney and Stephen Boock who’d tie Cairnsy’s shoes together or put a blue movie VHS in the Smash Palace box, but the current squad has no nutters at all. I was hoping Hamish Marshall’s hair would give the lads a laugh, but… nothing”.

Yesterday Colin Anderson was taking the piss out of his team mates in a Hawkes Bay Indoor Cricket team. Today he’s going to the World Cup. Addressing a hastily arranged press conference at Auckland International Airport, Anderson told reporters he was humbled by his last minute selection. “My feet have hardly touched the ground. To be honest, when Braces called I thought it was Boner having me on. I’ll have to say sorry to him for all the filthy language. And his Mum”.

“At 43, I’d almost given up on playing for New Zealand, but I’ve worked hard on my down-trous all winter, and I’m good squad cover cos I can do dirty jokes AND songs. Braces was obviously impressed by my 17.6 ear-ringing farts per bus trip. I’m gutted for Lou, but when these chances come along you have to grab them with both hands. I’m jumping out of my skin, it’s a dream come true, yeah”.

Anderson will join the squad in time for the mid-Super 8 “Vicars and Hoes” fancy dress party.