cricket world cup 2007

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I’m stoked 2007 is over, sports-wise. After three World Cups and a big yacht race for no trophies, we’re left to pick up the pieces after a year of early starts, late finishes, big build-ups and crushing disappointments. What have we learned? Nothing, if you believe Henry’s reappointment was a mistake (which I don’t), but 2008 will be very interesting indeed, with Robbie Deans leaving the rabid for success for the slightly shit. So bollocks to 2007, but it’s time to get over it.

Luckily, blogging-wise, I’ve really enjoyed it. Getting a cartoon in the paper was nice (another one soon!). I liked this one. And this one. This wasn’t a good idea.I loved making up news stories.

In 2008, I really need to get my shit together with a proper domain (keep your eye on sportreview.net.nz) and Wordpress, particularly before sportreview jr. comes along.

Here’s my best for 2007.

Sporting moment
Hard one. A couple of America’s Cup races were pretty amazing. I’m too childish to nominate Fiji v South Africa. Oher than a few Berbatov goals, it’s looking pretty bleak. I’m going for Luaki handing off Richie McCaw - it’s been that kind of year.

Web
Guardian Unlimited (football and sport) remain my go-tos for sport news, writing, and youtube clips. Locally, the Dropkicks podcast is the best in NZ sport on the web. I love the communities springing up at Sportsfreak and The Silver Fern - I wish I had more time to participate. I joined Facebook, and found it great for finding the long lost, but kind of annoying otherwise. I discovered last.fm. I really enjoy Public Address and Jason Kottke, still.

Links on Friday
- Richie Benaud on the underarm
- Zombie vs Shark
- Never poke a big cat with a stick
- Full Metal Wii
- The Mack vs the Nuge

Albums
Person Pitch - Panda Bear (thanks, Fraser), Happy Ending - Phoenix Foundation, Sound of Silver - LCD Soundsystem

Book
The Yiddish Policeman’s Union - Micheal Chabon

Films
Superbad, The Devil Dared Me To, Hot Fuzz

Top three songs on last .fm
Ramble Tamble - Creedence
Fourtunate Son - Creedence
Sleepwalk - Santo & Johnny

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If this long summer’s Cricket was a relationship, the BNZ series was meeting at a party when too drunk to talk, the Commonwealth Bank series was a ‘getting to know you’ dinner and movie without being asked in for coffee, Chappell-Hadlee was getting drunk and swimming naked, the World Cup was slowly realising something just wasn’t right, while McCullum sweeping Muralitharan down square leg’s throat in the Semi was getting a fax with “YOU’RE DUMPED! LOL!” on it.

So that’s it - we’re third in the world, which is arguably a great result for us - but I don’t feel like arguing, I feel like staying in my room for the weekend, wearing black and listening to The Smiths. It feels about as appealing as yesterday’s Asparagus rolls given 6 minutes in the microwave. The whole tournament has been, well, a bit shit, with empty stadiums, the early exits of Pakistan and India, the poor form of the hosts, England and South Africa adding up to make this tournament drag on more than a trip to Bed, Bath and Beyond “just to see what’s there”. This is all underlined by Bob Woolmer’s death and subsequent botched-up investigation, the exact opposite of what this enthusiastic and wise cricket man deserved.

New Zealand were consistent but not world beaters - and it was our old friends the Aussies and Sri Lankans that dented and finally totalled all that optimism that ‘this could be our year’. This sucks, because we’ve played them loads this summer - yet our guys were just as clueless about Malinga and Muralitharan’s bowling in the semi final as in January. We had some great moments, but like a steak sandwich made from Richard Loe’s jandals - this season’s best bits were in the middle (the Chappell-Hadlee series was just thrilling), with nasty business at the start and end.

Fleming took responsibility and his reign as captain of the one day side is over, but he was was hardly alone in a ‘New Zealand top order batsman not scoring runs’ club. Fleming was chucked in as captain as a 23 year old, and lead us to two World Cup semi finals and an ICC trophy. It’s a real shame we missed out on that test series win in Australia in 2001, Fleming deserves better than Richard Boock’s unreadable book and some of the most bizarre endorsement choices around (Dressing as a can of Rexona? Flogging air conditioners backed by country singers? “Thanks, Mr Hooker!”???) to remember him by.

I feel like that dreadlocked groundsman at the final putting the 30 yard circle back out when the umpires had finished fucking around - I’ve had enough Cricket for the moment, and I’m sure I’m not alone. I’m glad Malcom Speed and his crew were roundly booed at the final presentation - lucky the crowd bought their torches, eh? The Guardian’s Gideon Haigh sums it up better than I can:

Maybe they saw this spectacle for what it was: a bunch of overcoached, overcooked lookalikes providing third-rate content for Rupert Murdoch. Perhaps the idea all along was to soften us up for the inexorable advance of Twenty20 cricket. It has never looked better.

When’s our next test series, anyway?

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Ah well - that’s Cricket over with - bring on the Rugby. I’ve watched hardly any Super 14 this year, I feel the same way as when the Lions came out - there’ll be Rugby hysteria aplenty this year, so why not put it off as long as possible before succumbing? Following the Black Caps is about hoping for a miracle, while the All Blacks operate under grave, crushing, deadly, deadly serious and humour-free expectation. It’s still fun, mind, just different. I was really hoping for that Caribbean miracle, though. As a toe in a hot bath, I watched the Chiefs beat the Warratahs in a close, entertaining match on Friday evening, the kind they usually lose. It’s good to be back…

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SRNZPA: Pensioner Barry McDonnell can’t decide between watching the Black Caps’ semi final appearance against Sri Lanka from a Mount Maunganui Cosmopolitan Club bar stool or his couch. “It’s a close call, I tell ya” he said today.

“At the bar, you’re getting all the atmosphere. They’ve got some pretty decent numbers for the second innings considering it starts at sparrow’s fart. We’re still going on that meat pack they raffled for the Ireland match, too”. The increased chances of alcohol consumption are a major factor in his decision. “If I’m at the bar, and we’re winning, I’ll probably have a jug. Be rude not to. Then again, I’ll probably have one if we’re losing too. Elsie’d kill me if I had a drink at home before midday” he said.

There are major doubts about his couch as a viable option. “At home you can concentrate on the match alright and see all the replays, but there’s about as much atmosphere as a Richard Petrie fan club AGM. Elsie will be asking where Chris bloody Harris is every five minutes, too.”

McDonnell concluded his wife’s concern about neighbours’ opinion of the deck that’s needed painting for three years while he’s sitting on his arse in the middle of the day, for heaven’s sake would curtail his enjoyment of the match and that “I’ll be at the Cossie. Fuck it.” He went on to express similar concerns about his ability to peacefully view this years’ America’s Cup yacht racing and Rugby World Cup. A TV in the shed was one option being considered.

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- Turns out Youtube is a cavalcade of sledging - there’s Freddie Flintoff dealing to a junior West Indian, Kumar Sangakkara’s mental disintegration of Shaun Pollack in the last World Cup, but the best is Mark Boucher - that is HARSH
- John McEnroe loses it - he even has a pop at the crowd
- This table football table is the business - it’s a pretty fun game if you can get over that whole Joey / Chandler thing. Still, if you’ve got the room there’s no excuse for not going for a pool table, really
- A compilation of every single death from the Friday 13th films - this brings back some happy, happy memories
- Chrysler halts production of neck belts - Whew
- 60 things worth shortening your life for - some of those burgers look gooood

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SRNZPA: In a bold move, England un-invented Cricket following their crushing nine wicket defeat at the hands of South Africa. Former ECB Chairman David Morgan told reporters “Our supporters have long faced taunts about England inventing the game, but being crap at it. Well, sod you lot quite frankly, we can ruddy well un-invent it. That is all.” When pressed further while leaving the press conference, a clearly tired and emotional Morgan blurted “You Aussies think you’re so smart - well stick this up your jacksie, Trev.” before being quickly lead away.

Chartered accountant Micheal Vaughan said “Obviously we’ll take full responsibility for ending Cricket forever - that’s life. Batting first after winning the toss wasn’t the best move, but hindsight’s 20/20 isn’t it? We just have to make the best of it.” Yorkshire plumber Andrew Flintoff: “Well the lads are pretty disappointed at how its worked out, but we mustn’t grumble, we’d had a good innings. We’ll always have fond memories of 2005, and that WAS a tremendous piss-up afterwards.”

“I’m absolutely devastated” responded Malcom Speed, unemployed. “One or two results have gone against England, and they’ve made what must have been an extremely tough decision. We’d bought the finest around to the Carribean for a carnival of Cricket, now we’ve just got a bunch of guys in tracksuits buying duty free booze. It’s a nightmare.”

Former Cricketers may not be out of a job if Saatchi & Saatchi Chief Executive Kevin Roberts’ planned breakaway sport “Loveball” gets off the ground. “Oh boy, I am super, super stoked! You guys are gonna love it! I haven’t been this excited since the Gillette Fusion razor! Woooooooo! Yeah! Woooooooo!” enthused Roberts before spontaneously exploding.

The repercussions of this unprecedented move will be felt far and wide, with Lords, Home Of Cricket facing a future as Lords, Home Of Gardening, and Rugby and Netball administrators fearing copycat uninventings before their own world cups later this year. The Channel Nine commentary team are now lobbying Rugby League for a job, with Tony Grieg making a breakaway bid for Polo and Basketball.

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SRNZPA: The little fancied Australians won the ICC World Cup Pub Quiz in the Barbados Holiday Inn’s conference rooms 3 & 4 last night. They beat pre-quiz favourites South Africa in a play off round, with the closest guess to the 1893 invention of Peanut Butter. This was a massive boost for Australia, who have an ignominious record in competition requiring brains, while South Africa added to their history of failing at the final hurdle.

A jubilant Ricky Ponting told journalists “The boys are made up. No-one gave us a VB’s chance in Warney’s fridge to win, but we showed some real ticker in here to pull it out. Every Australian can be proud of their team. We’re going to enjoy ourselves tonight, yeah.”

Australia were almost written off early, making schoolboy errors like identifying Bob Hawke as The Muppet Show’s Sam the Eagle in the world leaders round. Crucially, their choice of double point Joker round was ‘Offensively Moronic Commentators’, in which the Channel Nine team featuring heavily.

South Africa established a massive lead early on, before being slowly dragged back to the pack. Sean Pollock proved his worth as a world class all rounder in the music round, picking up a Stock, Aitken Waterman hat trick of Kylie Minouge, Sinitta and the Reynolds Girls in quick succession. “There are a lot of long faces at that table” admitted Pollock. “I’m disappointed ‘cos we haven’t learned from our mistakes - I’m not looking forward to facing the music back home.”

Dark Horses New Zealand made the semi finals with a minimum of fuss, and were many critic’s choice for the title, but spectacularly collapsed on the ‘Celebrity Babies’ round. Stephen Fleming said “I’m gutted, Ham Marshall bought a stack New Ideas with him, and I thought our gossip was going to very, very strong indeed. We argued and argued over Bruce Willis and Demi Moore’s kids names. I wrote down Scout, but Macca rubbed it out and put Brownie. That’s quizzing, I guess.”

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SRNZPA: Following wins over England, Canada, Kenya and Bangladesh, the Black Caps will now meet France at Antigua & Barbuda on April 23. This match is part of the ‘Super Surprise’ round to be played between the conclusion of the Super 8s and the Semi Finals. Other fixtures include Australia v Mexico, South Africa v Fiji and Sri Lanka v Norway.

The Super Surprise round had been kept under wraps until now, and is designed to re-ignite interest in a tournament that’s come under heavy criticism for its confusing format and sparse crowds. “And you thought we we had nothing” said ICC chief executive Malcolm Speed.

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SRNZPA: Ashburton resident Don MacFarlane has spoken out against 1977 Wisden Cricketer of the Year Viv Richards’ glowing assessment of New Zealand’s Cricket World Cup chances, claiming “They’ll still fuck it up from here”. Richards, who scored 8540 runs in his glittering test career was quoted today as saying “I like New Zealand’s approach, they’re quietly bubbling away, making no noise, and getting stronger by the day”. “Bullfarkinshit” said MacFarlane.

The Ashburton barber and Lions club member of 25 years poured scorn on Richard’s view that “You just get the feeling they’re peaking at the right time, and they’ve got all contingencies covered”. “He’s talking out his arse - the day the Black Caps win the World Cup is the day I run down the main drag with a bloody Blues jersey on. No way, mate.”

MacFarlane’s claims are based on historical precedents. “We had it on a plate in ‘92. Playing at home on our pitches, with our crowds, we never had it better. We just need to put the foot on Pakistan’s throat, but it all turned to shit. 99? Farked it up. 2003? Farked it up.” said MacFarlane, who added this was “typical” and that the Black Caps were “a pack of farkin chokers”.

The former Shirley lock forward was equally scathing about former Australian Test Skipper Ian Chappell’s assessment that “only New Zealand has the skill and courage to challenge Australia in the World Cup cricket final”. “Whatever” retorted the South Island-based fuckwit. “That’s the biggest lot of shit I’ve ever heard”, adding “they’ll all be injured by the time we play a decent team, anyway.”

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SRNZPA: Black Caps coach John Bracewell has moved swiftly to bolster his squad’s personality by picking Napier hard case Colin Anderson, a specialist in pranking and high-jinks, to join the World Cup squad following Lou Vincent’s return home and uncertainty over Mark Gillespie’s shoulder.

“I don’t want to be caught in a situation where the utter lack of fun overwhelms the boys during the Super Eights” said Bracewell. “In the old days we had guys like Jerry Coney and Stephen Boock who’d tie Cairnsy’s shoes together or put a blue movie VHS in the Smash Palace box, but the current squad has no nutters at all. I was hoping Hamish Marshall’s hair would give the lads a laugh, but… nothing”.

Yesterday Colin Anderson was taking the piss out of his team mates in a Hawkes Bay Indoor Cricket team. Today he’s going to the World Cup. Addressing a hastily arranged press conference at Auckland International Airport, Anderson told reporters he was humbled by his last minute selection. “My feet have hardly touched the ground. To be honest, when Braces called I thought it was Boner having me on. I’ll have to say sorry to him for all the filthy language. And his Mum”.

“At 43, I’d almost given up on playing for New Zealand, but I’ve worked hard on my down-trous all winter, and I’m good squad cover cos I can do dirty jokes AND songs. Braces was obviously impressed by my 17.6 ear-ringing farts per bus trip. I’m gutted for Lou, but when these chances come along you have to grab them with both hands. I’m jumping out of my skin, it’s a dream come true, yeah”.

Anderson will join the squad in time for the mid-Super 8 “Vicars and Hoes” fancy dress party.

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- Rod Latham photo on TradeMe - This one’s going straight to the pool room
- Cricket World Cup youtube - Dwayne Leverock making the earth shake - he definitely practices wicket celebrations in the mirror. Plus - Herschelle Gibbes’ six sixes in an over
- Drunken sportsmen - some famous drunken hi-jinks over the years
- The New Wembley - I was lucky enough to get along to the Old Wembley a handful of times - including Michael Owen’s debut and Arsenal getting spanked by Barcelona (I didn’t “Stand up if you hate Tottenham”, though). This new one looks pretty blimmin impressive though, hey?
- The Beatles. With Zombies - you don’t know how happy it makes me to type those words
- The original Bottle Rocket - this is where Wes Anderson and Owen Wilson came from

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What-o! Well, the first week has been absolutely top class. No casualties to report so far, apart from Fossington-Garter - he tried to beat Brampton-Minor’s record of 43 Pink Gin and Tonics on the flight to the Caribbean, and was dreadfully sick. The entire first class cabin had to fart about in Oik class while it was sorted out. Frightful bore, Sir Mick was extremely annoyed.

I will say one thing - the Barmy Army’s organisation really has been first class. One of the chappies met us in the resort lobby with all the Barmy Army kit, I purchased some official golf balls, cargo shorts, a corkscrew, brolly, bag tags and locks, as well as a smashing tie. I even picked up a rather lovely logo-d Mount Blanc pen. The boys in the office will be awfully jealous.

The first match is against New Zealand. Those Kiwis are a queer lot. We got the better of those rotters when we flew in for the Lions’ tour - we were sat in the Hilton’s lounge bar after the third test singing “Who the ruddy hell are you?” and “Show us your Empire” all night long. Smashing. And Sir Clive truly is a splendid bloke, so easy to talk to.

Anyway, we finally met some New Zealanders in St Lucia, and after a spot of banter they challenged us to a boat race. Rather silly of them, as Quentington-Louvers’ father had had the catamaran sent ahead. The chaps rowed out, rigged up and were ready to race, but did those Kiwis show up? Not bloody likely. Scared of the Empire’s sailing prowess, what? Dreadfully disappointing.

Afterward we popped to the local night spot, when who should come into the VIP area but Andrew Flintoff! He immediately recognised Chortlington-Leatherington from the MCC fundraiser when he ran through the long room with only a Bacon and Egg tie on. Crackers, he is. Apparently the chaps had lost the match - well, we took a leaf out of the Kiwis’ book and challenged HIM to a boat race. We asked if he’d a boat, and he said he’d sort something out. And do you know, that dirty rotter never showed up either - god only knows what happened to him. Honestly.

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- Bond showed the slow pitches won’t stop him taking wickets. He sounded like Paddles Hadlee when takling about all the variations he was planning on using
- Great work from Styris (in particular) and Oram to steer us victory - watching big Jake Oram calmly working singles to chase down the Pom’s total was like watching the Incredible Hulk carefully doing the dishes
- Kyle Mills’ column in the Sunday Star Times had some great insight into our tactical approach - he’s heaps better at writing than sorting out his haircut
- The crowd had a bloody good time, complete with hordes of locals dancing around the pasty tourists. The Barmy Army were showing that carefree sense of rhythm Steve Davis is so renowned for
- Good on Ireland - beating Pakistan on Paddy’s Day, lead by the former captain of my old club. Ireland’s cricket fans are the most dedicated I’ve ever come across, considering the game’s about as popular as Will Carling over there. More on cricket in Ireland soon
- Poor old Bob Woolmer - what a way to go, on your own in some crappy hotel room knowing all of Pakistan hates you - and now Inzamam’s stepping down from one dayers too
- Freddie - what a legend. Luckily, we’re too boring for any of that

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It’s hard to get too excited right now - this bloated tournament runs for longer than two Tour De Frances, and with 6 ‘minor nations’ joining the test playing ones, making 16 teams - that’s a hell of a lot of minnow flogging before the real action begins (Hands up if you even knew Bermuda had a serious cricket team? Hands up if in the last two weeks considered moving to Bermuda in a late bid for playing in the World Cup yourself?).

New Zealand are (of course) Dark Horses for the competition. We’ve got a long, proud history of making semi finals, and a long, embarrassing history of farking it up once we get there - can we go one better? Two even? Our key men will be:
- Brendan McCullum is being talked up as one of the best ‘finishers’ around, referring to his ability to push singles and hit boundaries to keep up with a required run rate, not cleaning up Macca’s plate when he’s full
- Shane Bond - if you’ve ever played an EA Sports Cricket game, you know how good Bond is, and now we’ve got the real thing - he took a bit of tap in the CB series, but came back spectacularly in the Chappell Hadlee - if he’s fit, he’ll win us games
- Macca is a man reborn, making the greatest comeback since David Tua (if David Tua ever becomes THE CHAMP!). His vast experience and enthusiasm will be invaluable, and he’s bound to get one or two vital wickets at vital times and look delighted / sheepish afterward
- Taylor - the great white hope. There’s been a lot of talk about how the young players will be the stars at this tournament - let’s hope he’s one of them, there’s no doubt he’s got the ability and temperament
- Oram - on the small West Indian grounds he’s in with a real chance to become St Lucia Glaziers Association Man Of The Year. He’s vital to our chances
- Vettori - still the best left arm offy around, and he ties batsmen into indecisive knots, keeping them from scoring, kind of like Winston Peters faced with a choice of mirrors
- Fleming - he’s the best captain around, and usually puts the fear of god into his opposite number by looking fucked off most of the time. He was in crap form going into the last World Cup, but wound up scoring a lot of runs, including that majestic century against the hosts. It would be fitting for him to go out with a bang, if he is at last coming to the end.

I fancy our chances, considering the conditions are not dissimilar to those found in say, Eden Park or Hamilton with the slow pitches and short boundaries. First up is England, and while defeat isn’t a compete disaster, it would be heaps better to win it. England are even more of an enigma than us, with a bunch of county cricketer journeymen along for the ride with the world class Flintoff and Pieterson (and Collingwood to a lesser extent). It should be a great match - pity the time difference makes viewing this World Cup in NZ as shithouse as it possibly can be, with the first innings in the middle of the night, and the second while you’re at work - make the most of England v New Zealand falling on a weekend.

Have a great World Cup - stay tuned to your ever lovin’ sport review nz for coverage that’s sporadic, scattergun and stupid. Good luck

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Ball by Ball commentary
Watching cricket on the Internet is water torture, but if you’re at work or worse, there’s loads of options
- BBC Live Coverage - seem to be taking a leaf out of the Guardian’s approach
- CricInfo Live Scores - the original and still the best, the have all the details and quick links to live stats
- Guardian Live coverage - some witty chaps do this, but beware of moaning about being the only one left in the office while everyone else is at the pub

World Cup Home Pages
- The Age (Melbourne)
- BBC
- CricInfo World Cup
- The Guardian World Cup (UK)
- NZ Herald World Cup
- The Times Cricket (UK)

RSS Feeds
- CricInfo New Zealand News
- CricInfo General News
- NZ Herald RSS

Blogs
- CricInfo Surfer
- CricInfo World Cup Monitor
- Guardian Sports blog - lots of WC coverage on here
- Sydney Morning Herald - The Tonk blog
- The Times (UK) Line and Length blog

Podcasts
- Beige Brigade BYC podcast
- Dropkicks - when they’re not busy making shit up (!)
- Guardian World Cup Show - if it’s as good as their football one, this will be great
- Lots of audio at CricInfo and The Times also

Handy
- World Cup Wallchart - start a sweepstake and win all your workmates’ cash!
- CricInfo mobile service - if your phone can surf the web, point it to CricInfo - really good for meetings and that
- If Shane Warne does anything stupid, it’ll probably come out here

Finally - apparently this World Cup will be a Bermuda triangle for productivity. Ahem.

The World Cup? Mate, well hopefully we’ll get a big fright against the Boks in the Semi, just to keep the boys focused, then clean up the Froggies in the final. That’ll farkin learn them for ‘99… Eh?

Cricket? Hoo-farkin-ray. I know as much about Cricket as Fatty Walters knew about his 21st after we spiked his yardie with Pepe Lopez. That’s not a farkin lot, mate, I’ll tell ya. While you’re here, how come we have to put up with Ian Smith doing rugby? He might be built like a prop running a bakery but he knows as much about Rugby as my dog. Less, I reckon. Mate, tell you what, you guys can have Mex, that’s fair as.

Mate, I know one thing. The Black Caps are Farkin. Useless. They always fark it up. Back at school we’d gave the cricketers a hiding in the boat races. They’re worse than Poofballers, mate. Or Ali Williams. I’d only watch cricket if the 2004 Super 12 final was on the Rugby Channel, the dog was at the vet and the missus was home. I’d rather KNIT.

Is that a programme? Gis a look at the team… Jesus. Fleming? That guy is a farkin liability, I’ve NEVER seen him score ANY runs, and he still gets in the team, mate. Unbelievable. A bloody Aucklander in a Cantab’s body.

Taylor? McCullum? Never heard of them. Vettori? Sounds like a poofball player. Bloody looks like one too. What happened to Rod Latham? They should get him back. And Lee Germon. Mate.

Hang on. Kenya? Ireland? Farkin Bermuda? Jesus, look at the guts on that guy - six weeks chopping piss in the West Indies, it’s gunna be Farkin. Massive. Growing the game? Growing Bermudan bellies more like. Heh.

Anyway, the Black Caps need someone like Robbie Deans, mate. He’d be farkin ace, he’s won like 8 Super 12’s, and those bloody Aucklanders won’t let him have the ABs. That’s it - Deans and Marshall, get Justin in the team, we’d win this bloody World Cup. Not that I’D give a shit, mate. Are we done?

…and then Richie said to me “Get out of my way, you pillock”. Happiest day of my life, mate.

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Mike Hussey says the Black Caps are one of four threats to Australia’s World Cup winning chances, along with South Africa, Sri Lanka and Pakistan.

I think there are more than four, in fact any number of things could derail the green ‘n’ canary yellow machine - I’ve had a look into the SRNZ crystal ball and made a list:

- John Buchanan’s military style team bonding camp shortly before departure turns ugly when Adam Gilchrist is discovered hung by his ears from the mess hall doorway, in a bizarre ‘Lord Of The Flies’-style pagan ritual
- Brett Lee is bought on tour to share his experience with younger players, but his moping, loud sighing, and mumbling “Didn’t wanna play anyway” and “You guys bowl farkin’ slow” prove a body blow to team morale
- Unpleasant scenes when Hussey refuses to relinquish captaincy duties to Ricky Ponting and has to be physically dragged from the coin toss against Zimbabwe in convulsions
- Press conference descends into brawl when Ricky Ponting lunges at an Aussie journalist asking why the team is so crap and maybe if his name was Steve Waugh they’d be better. The team is banned from talking to the press, adding to atmosphere of paranoia
- New Channel 9 commentator Shane Warne takes room across the street from team hotel. Wild Red Stripe-fuelled all night partying ensues followed by prolonged, loud ‘text messaging’ sessions, making meaningful sleep an impossibility
- Dreadlocked cricketing superstar Andrew Symonds falls in love with West Indian way of life and goes AWOL on the second day of tour. Is found three weeks later dazed and confused and playing bass in local sound system outfit. Symonds is reunited with the squad only to fail a random drug test and is subsequently banned for the remainder of the World Cup. When asked for comment, he cryptically explains “I am the Ganja man”
- Mitchell Johnson

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G’day Mate. Here by yourself? Same here.

What are ya reading? The paper? I don’t bother, eh.

Got the sports section? Didja see they announced the Cricketers for the World Cup? Pack of girls, yinnow.

Shit, I’ve got pie on me.

The Aussies bloody laugh at us. Mate, they’ve got guys averaging 300 in domestic cricket that can’t make the team, yinnow? And a guy that bowls at 200 Ks. I’m moving to the Gold Coast next year, my cousin reckons it’s choice. Piss is cheaper there, eh. You get all the rugby on TV, too. You’re quiet, eh mate?

Tuffey got picked. Fark’s sake. Remember when he bowled that over for 38 at Eden Park? Farkin’ embarrassment. I could do better. You should’ve seen me in high school. Would’ve made First XI but for that FX82 going missing. Fark you like reading that paper, eh? Mate?