league

NEWSDESK: Warriors second rower Michael Luck is out for at least a week with a totally wicked gash to his leg. When Anthony Watmough’s boot scraped Luck’s leg in an innocous looking tackle, it opened up an 18cm wound, in a freak occurance that fucking rules. Luck’s boot quickly filled with blood, which was exacerbated by the Warriors players making the wound ‘talk’ for a laugh.

The sweet-as injury has been likened to a shark bite by Luck’s team mates: “Or a gorilla, a gorilla could’ve done that. With its teeth,” said Warriors captain Simon Mannering. “Maybe a bear,” said utility back Lance Hohaia. “One thing’s for sure, I’m going to watch the shit out of it on My Sky.”

Luck was rushed to hospital immeditely after medical staff, stadium security and fans had finished taking photos of his exposed muscle tissue with their mobile phones. “Mate, this is up there with Cowboy Lonergan’s ‘Help! I’m stuck in washing machine!’ bit from ‘91,” said the Mad Butcher, who has ‘Lucky Offal’ on sale all this week at $8.99 a kilo.

NEWSDESK: Warriors fans can now experience the highs and crushing, crushing lows of League  on the Bunco Piping Solutions Roller Coaster Of Emotions, officially launched at Sunday’s match.

Fans arrived at the stadium to be greeted by drummers, booming music and cheerleaders, before being loaded onto Warriors Wagons and taking a ride into the sporting future. “This ride’s a grassroots amusement park entertainment package that’ll blow New Zealand away” said Marketing Manager Dan ‘3G’ Mann. “Bring the whole family – show your Warriors support by going around and around and around!” The $63.00 ride features:

• interviews and make up tips with Ropo and Stephen McIvor in the queue
• a dizzying switchback from Jaws Of Victory to Jaws Of Defeat
• a trip past a towering Steve Price head replica that chants ‘Pricey’ with moving mechanical jaw and eyes that light up
• a mind-numbing winter losing streak simulator with driving hail, frostbitten fingers and 125  db Costo voice over
• ‘The Comeback’, a caged Warriors’ great making an emotional return to Mount Smart. Player refreshes each fortnight
• Mad Butcher / Meat Cleaver chamber of horrors Halloween special
• waving big flags

Mann explained:  “We’re competing for people’s entertainment dollars, and the roller coaster means a consistent match day experience like never before. In fairness, we can see it eliminating the need for the Rugby League arm of our business altogether.”

Overseas clubs have already been in touch to swap notes with the Auckland franchise. The Gold Coast Titans have opened talks to play their home games at MovieWorld, and Manchester United are developing the ‘Alex Fergusson Red Face of Rage Roller Ride” behind their Old Trafford base.