Cricket is all about WINNERS and LOSERS, and the pressure can do strange things to a man, as popular Kiwi cricket international Chris Cairns’ angry bowling face demonstrates. Before a game even gets started, one of the captains is branded a LOSER at the coin toss, and must trudge slowly back to the dressing room to receive a kick in the nuts from the twelfth man, which can severely hamper said captain’s performance in the field, or running between wickets, if he’s an opening batsman.

LOSER Black Caps captain Dan Vettori returns to the dressing room from another unsuccessful toss to be greeted by Chris Martin and Brendon McCullum.

And so, it seems, the current Black Caps are LOSERS, LOSING the first test to Pakistan in the most dramatic collapse since Tony Greig ran our of Werthers Originals in the commentary box. In their second innings, the Black Caps batsmen greeted new coach John Wright with a full bottle of spilt red wine all over the eggshell-colored shagpile welcome mat. Wright’s new Zealand team of the 80s was more mustachioed, and more used to WINNING than this failbucket – he must have been sorely tempted to instruct his white savior horse to just keep fucking going after that second innings performance.

Meanwhile, some Black Caps were becoming WINNERS in the IPL auctions. It’s unclear whether the auction distracted the team, but Vettori’s team talk arguably lost some of its impact when Ross Taylor lit a cigar with a wad of $100 dollar bills. I realise that a world where New Zealand’s pitifully performing cricketers have the readies to pimp their coffins, can laugh openly in the street at John Key’s piddly fortune and Danny Morrison can find gainful employment as a commentator is a sick one – but YOU can take action. Sportreview recommends printing hundreds of copies of the ‘Hanse’ edition greenback in color and showering our national team at matches, to remind them of the follies of filthy lucre.

Across the Tasman, England were the big WINNERS, shitting on the once proud and successful Australian team like they were a lowly airplane toilet seat. The 3-1 victory has already inspired a computer game, which sportreview has obtained a pirate copy of, and can exclusively reveal:

Strauss: “I say old chap, prepare to become my bitch, what.” Ponting: “Mate, I retired from international cricket years ago, the fuckers keep picking me.” Umpire: “WHAT’S THAT ON MY FACE?”

The blue arrows depict all the parts of the ground you can cart the feeble Australian attack to, if you can be arsed. Press ‘x’ to make bowler cry.

Clarke: “Guys! What the fuck’s going on? Where am I?”

Players must defeat the Pieterson-zilla boss to proceed to the next level…

…and can deploy the ‘Vettori’ powerup at any stage.

Hauritz: “It’s just like playing in the Ashes! I imagine.”

NEWSDESK: Eyewitnesses said last night’s square off between ex-international cricketers Ian Botham and Ian Chappell was “a real let-down” and “gravely embarrassing” for both participants. Chappell, 67, reportedly sparked the fracas by insulting Botham, 55, in the Adelaide Oval carpark at the close of day’s play. “All I could hear was panting. I actually feared for my hearing,” said a bystander. “Two  out of shape slugs having it out over a piece of lettuce would have been a more absorbing spectacle.”

Botham and Chappell last came to blows during an Ashes series in 1977, when both men were far more accustomed to physical exertion. “I wish I’d seen that one,” said a car park attendant. “Chappell had a lot of anger, but not much stamina. He just kind of fell over after a few seconds. At one stage Botham threatened him with some chutney he had in his man bag. Chutney. It’s a fight, not a feckin cheese board.”

In between turning himself into a one man Ashes multimedia empire the likes of which has Rupert Murdoch reaching for the adult diapers, JRod has released the third edition of The Cricket Sadists’ Quarterly. It features Mr Sporadic Sport Blog himself, yours truly, with a piece called ‘How to watch cricket on telly’:

Before you do ANYTHING, you need to draw the curtains. Cricket is a summer sport, and while sunshine is great for sunburn and your neighbor’s fucking vegetable garden, it’s only good for ruining the picture on match day. Block that shit out. Next, you need to turn your television’s sound right down and turn on the radio. Don’t worry that the pictures are generally 30 seconds behind and you spend the day always knowing what’s about to happen like a amateur  clairvoyant – TV with radio is like mowing ‘I AM SERIOUS CRICKET FAN’ in your lawn. Plus you get a superior class of statistician on the wireless.

Buy the mag / download the mag. Get in there.

Two things:
- have a look at the Sideline Slogger column for the post title context
- I’d like to formally apologise for probably the poorest photoshopping yet on this site

Taking positives from the Black Caps’ 4-0 series defeat at the gleeful hands of Bangladesh isn’t easy. Jesse Ryder made headlines for being a bit shit at cricket instead of his nightclub escapades. Dan Vettori rejected his new eyewear sponsor’s request to wear the ‘Elton‘ range. sportreview.net.nz found a glue stick down the back of the couch that was previously thought lost. And that’s about it. I’d rather try and take positives from having a piano leg dropped on my nuts.

Still, Vettori has come of age as a captain – no tenure at the helm is complete without establishing a new low. Stephen Fleming dressed up as a can of deodorant. Martin Crowe invented Cricket Max. Jeff Crowe was related to Martin and Russell. Lee Germon was captain of the team. Vettori’s Bangladesh low will rank among among the greats, until one of his successors accidentally punches a 103 year old Queen Elizabeth in the face at the 2022 World Cup in England.

The team crept back into the country to face an official NZ cricket enquiry into what went wrong. sportreview.net.nz’s anonymous man on the inside has leaked the meeting’s agenda, which I can exclusively reveal:

Agenda – NZC review of Bangladesh schmozzle

1. Discussion point – WHAT THE FUCK?

2. Discussion point – WHAT THE SHIT?

3. Discussion point – Fucked, totally fucked

Morning tea

4. Discussion point – Can’t we just, like, not go to India?

6. Action point – Sound out the French cricket association about three tests and T20 series in the summer

7. Discussion point – Has anyone still got Lee Germon’s number?

Heavy drinking

8. Game of cricket in carpark. No LBs, one hand one bounce

9. It’s the cops! Run!

Vice captain Brendon Mccullum’s incessant breakdancing had a negative impact on New Zealand’s chances, as well as incurring several five run penalties for Ball Hit Ghetto Blaster.

In other news, the All Black squad for the one-off ‘Bledisloe Cup in association with Hong Kong International Airport Duty Free Buy 1L Johnny Walker Black Label And Receive A Johnny Walker Polo Shirt Absolutely Free’and the ‘Grand Slam Thank You Ma’am’ European tour was notable for two reasons. First, feverish speculation on whether bleedingly obvious was going to happen was quashed when Sonny Bill Williams was made an All Black. The only way the country’s third most expensive player was going to be left out was a call up to the government’s ‘Keep The Kids Sweet As’ initiative, which involves visiting schools, being mobbed for the cameras, beating up school bullies as applicable and confiscating any contraband. The secret ace in Anne Tolley’s hand, making SBW a role model for the nation’s schoolchildren means that by 2025, all New Zealanders will be fucking rich with ripped up biceps, and we’ll have caught up with Australia by swimming over there as a nation to beat them all up. The second point of note is the scapegoat. Scapegoats are not some kind of messy tabloid incident involving senior F1 officials, the’re in fact a convenient outlet for the nation’s rage, and the selector’s decision to keep faith with 2009 scapegoat Stephen Donald is a worrying indication of our depth. In every successful World Cup failure, the ‘goat springs readily to mind – Taine Randall’s inability to be heard, Carlos Spencer’s inability to throw a simple pass, Wayne Barne’s inability to referee a match competently… Laurie Mains was so desperate for a scapegoat in 1995 he had to arrange a freelancer at the last minute.  The selector’s failure to groom a new scapegoat for 2011 does not bode well, unless this John Afoa at hooker thing pays dividends.

NEWSDESK: sportreview.net.nz can exclusively reveal that popular Channel Nine commentator Ian Healy has been taking large sums of cash in return for delivering fucking idiotic comments to order, so as to game the fucking idiotic comment spot gambling market.

A sportreview.net.nz reporter went undercover to meet Healy in his hotel. “He was keen to do a deal. He even demonstrated a few fucking idiotic comments in the room to show he could do the business. It could have just been him talking, but still… they were pretty idiotic.”

Healy outlined how it would work:

HEALY: “I’ll be in the booth just after the first drinks break. Richie’ll come on first crapping on about the score or something, then I’ll come in with something fucking idiotic.”

REPORTER: “How will we know it’s our comment?”

HEALY: “You’ll know, mate. You’ll know.”

Our reporter said “Healy delivered the goods – it was like clockwork. First thing out of his mouth was ‘Here comes Ricky Ponting, you can tell by his arm hair he’s got the freshest armpits in the game. That’s the mark of a true Aussie champion.’ We could’ve cleaned up at the bookie’s with that and fully got our money’s worth.” Healy went on to deliver two more fucking idiotic comments during that day’s play, causing his fellow commentators to remark on their idiocy at the time.

Healy’s Channel Nine colleagues were saddened that Healy has bought the fucking idiotic into disrepute: “This kind of fucking idiocy needs to be weeded out of the game, so we can get back to a more innocent, genuine kind of fucking idiocy,” said Bill Lawry.  When confronted with the allegations, Healy challenged our reporter to pick out the planted comments from his normal commentary: “Mate, just about everything I say is fucking idiotic – that goes for in the booth, and at home. That’s the mark of a true Aussie champion.”

This is the reason sportreview.net.nz will never afford to purchase its European Corporate HQ (sportreview’s American Corporate HQ is the Ironman house) – following up the best traffic week ever with no posts at all. Ahem.

Anyway, it’s time to announce the winner of the crappy sportscafe DVD, first and only prize in the ‘Photoshop Matthew Hayden to look like a twat‘ competition. Read the judge’s comments and winner announcement inside…

Read the rest of this entry »

In today’s Sunday paper, retired Australian opening batsman Matthew Hayden appears, endorsing VIP passes to Gold Coast theme parks. Hayden, famous for hosting weird BBQs in Regents Park like a homeless person and bullying Englishmen and Glen McGrath is one of cricket’s least loved players and a curious choice to sell anything to New Zealanders. Myself, I considered setting myself alight to prevent me even thinking about buying one of these VIP passes.

This will not stand. We cannot allow shitheels like Hayden to appear in our papers, unless it’s underneath ‘Australian ex-cricketer in punch in the face tragedy’ headlines or the like. There is no reason why Kyle Mills, say, couldn’t hold a card and look gormless to endorse this card.

So – Photoshop competition. Fire up your favorite image editing app (If you don’t have Photoshop, Pixlr.com is handy, or even MS Paint will do – sportreview.net.nz is no stranger to lo-tech, as regular readers will know) and get your entry in by 6pm NZ time, Sunday 8 August.

Here’s what you need to get underway:

- Original scan (jpeg, 183KB)

- Clear cut with blacked out sign (gif, 83KB)

Email your entry in either jpeg or gif format (ideally 500 pixels wide) to richard (at) sportreview dot net dot nz. You can also email me for the .PSD file of the above picture if you promise not to laugh at my pathetic photoshop skillz.

Points will be awarded for 1. being funny and 2. making Hayden look like a twat. See the entries after the jump…

Read the rest of this entry »

NEWSDESK: Celebrations around Muttiah Muralitharan’s 800th test wicket were tempered by criticism of his 237 wickets taken against blind children and their pets. “You have to ask how many wickets Clarrie Grimmet or Dennis Lillee would have got against blind children and their pets,” said Des Jandal, cricket correspondent for the Perth Morning Whinge. “What would run through a hamster’s mind when they saw DK Lillee steaming in off the long run at them?”

Outspoken cricket blogger Tristan Chortle-Creasly of jollygoodshowwhat.com has analysed Murali’s technique. “He gives blind kids the slow straight one, they can usually hear anything that spins. Dogs, he’s looking to pitch it up, give it some air and try and get them leg before. The allegations of ball tampering with a bier stick were never proved. He uses the same technique against cats as he does against New Zealand, just a stock leg cutter, sooner or later they’ll get themselves out.”

Murali’s supporters say you can only play what’s put in front of you, and his outstanding record against Zimbabwe, Bangladesh, Chris Martin, the visually impaired and quadrupeds cannot lessen his achievement.