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A Crusaders fan with no interest in Cricket on the Bangladesh series

February 8, 2010 in cricket, opinion, rugby by Richard Irvine | No comments

“…and then Toddy said to me ‘OK mate, I’ve signed your arm, now get out of my bathroom…

“What’s that mate? Bangladesh? Yep, it’s a strip club, we were headed there for Dirk’s stag, but I got into a fight in KFC and spent the night in a cell. Nicked all their bog roll, though.

“What? Cricket? Bangladesh? It’s a country? Key the Falcon, never heard of it. They any good? Useless? Yip. If the Black Caps can beat em they must be as handy as four Swiss army knives in your arse.

“I’ll tell you the problem with Cricket – Cricketers are farkin soft. You’re meant to spend summer in The Sounds drinking piss with a broken arm, not getting grass stains out of your trousers. I bet those Cricket shit heels haven’t even been on a Jet-Ski.

“I mean the AUSSIES are good at Cricket. Aussies. We gave them Robbie Farkin Deans and they can’t even get a decent Rugby team together. That’s about as wrong as taking your missus to the trots. We could sort the Black Caps out with Robbie, a bottle of Coruba and a locked room.

“Have I watched any of the games? I’d rather try and shave my back. Julie Seymour could be wandering around in her undies at fine leg, and I’d only flick over during the ads.

“We done? Good.

“…anyway, I farkin wish I hadn’t drawn Stephen Brett on me Drizabone in Vivid…”

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Book review: When Freddie Became Jesus

February 3, 2010 in books, cricket by Richard Irvine | No comments

Cricket With Balls’ Jarrod Kimber has written his second book – Ashes 2009: When Freddie Became Jesus (links to bookdepository.com, for free delivery for most of the world).

Mostly, there’s too much Cricket in Cricket books – if we wanted to read a match report, we’d dial up CricInfo, you know. JRod skillfully runs through each test session by session, but throws in just enough jokes, offensive language and base innuendo to make it compelling reading.

On the NPower promotional girls: “Guys trying to pick up promotional girls is about the saddest thing you can see, like Hotel Rwanda followed by a news report on buring puppies.”

On ‘Random’ Rudi Koertzen: “Sometimes I think  he gives himself extra time by raising his finger slowly just so he can surprise himself.”

For me, the book’s peak is around the Lord’s test, from the scene from the press box, to almost killing Richie Benaud using Swine Flu, to a hilarious conversation between Rudi Koertzen and Billy Bowden (Are you sure, or do we need to go upstairs, Billy? There are no stairs here, Rudi.), to the most sublime writing about mass vomit since Stand By Me.

It’s also the story of HIS Ashes, his first in England as a writer; what the series means to him, his impending wedding and going to the Oval with his family – this backstory makes the book richer, without getting all Nick Hornby about it.

It’s well documented that JRod’s mission to turn himself into a Proper Cricket Writer from a standing start impresses the fuck out of me – WFBJ is a big step up from his first book. Buy a copy now, so you can bore your kids about him when he’s editing Wisden or sticking his keys in a pitch on the telly. Highly recommended.

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Black Caps coaching – Star Wars quiz

February 2, 2010 in cricket by Richard Irvine | 5 comments

The Black Caps’ coaching-set up isn’t that clear – new coach Mark Greatbach gets to advise on team selection, while Dan has final say, and while Dan’s in charge on the field, Mark helps out with batting and gives interviews, but only if Dan’s not around… it’s more complicated than Tony Greig using his hotel swipe card after a hard evening’s awards ceremony.

In order to poll the Cricket public’s understanding, sportreview.net.nz presents a pop quiz, using 1977’s Star Wars as a model for a modern international Cricket coaching.

Is the Black Caps’ coaching set up more like:

Option A: C3PO and R2D2

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C3PO is the kind of droid that emails Health & Safety to see if he’s allowed to use the Millenium Falcon’s toilet – you can trust his advice, but you really want to be wearing your ipod if you’re sat beside him waiting to bat.

R2 has a working relationship with C3PO, but he’s definitely his own droid. He thinks fast and gets results, and that’s what gets him loaded into an X-Wing to help blow up the fucking Death Star.

Option B: Ben ‘Obi Wan’ Kenobi and Luke Skywalker










Luke looks up to Ben, but concerns remain he might pick up bad habits from Han Solo, journeyman pro from the Corellia country scene.

Ben’s been pretty handy with a bat over the years, and has been on all the big tours. What he lacks in footwork these days, he makes up in mind games and getting in his opponent’s head. Superb facial hair. He’s keen to do some mentoring with the up and comers.

Option C: Darth Vader and Admiral Motti










Mark: Don’t try to frighten us with your sorcerous ways, Lord Vettori. Your sad devotion to backing away and cutting may have worked against a popgun Pakistan attack, but is it clairvoyance enough against the Australi….

Mark: *choking noises*

Dan: I find your lack of faith disturbing.

Share your answer in the comments.

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Cruel summer

January 26, 2010 in cartoons, cricket by Richard Irvine | No comments

Inspired by Ben’s post:
Cruel summer 260110

Feel the power

January 15, 2010 in cricket, rugby by Richard Irvine | No comments

Martin Snedden tops NZ sport’s 25 biggest power brokers list

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Links on Friday

January 15, 2010 in cricket, cycling, football, links on friday by Richard Irvine | No comments

Roy Keane scares the living shit out of a press gallery. He’s just doing it for fun now.

Steve Waugh, another scary look master, makes direct contact with batsman’s head using a ball. Watch it in slo mo, look how QUICKLY he gets over causing harm to his opponent, and instead, gets into pissed-off, hands-on-fucking-hips stance. You could tell early he was destined for Australian captaincy greatness, this one.

Required reading: Bike Snob NYC takes down ‘fixie’ ‘riding’, ‘cockle’ ‘eating’, ’boutique’ ‘beer’ ‘drinking’ Brooklyn hipsters with the cool calm brutal accuracy of John Wayne nailing a prowler’s nuts with his foot.

Chris Waddle was a Tottenham hero, and much like sportreview at subfootball, has still got it.

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Kicking 2009 when it’s down

January 10, 2010 in cartoons, cricket, cycling, football, general sport, greatest hits, links on friday, media, rugby by Richard Irvine | 1 comment

Doing a half-arsed wrap up of the year is becoming a tradition here on sportreview – here’s 2009.

If there was one week that summed up 2009 for me, it was seeing the All Blacks *cook* with Italy’s Next Top Model contestants in Milan in the most embarrassing and wooden photo op since Don Brash walked the plank, before our second string players participated in a shitty, shitty match at the San Siro, deeply marred by some shocking officiating from an experienced ref trying to enforce god knows what version of the rulebook is on top of the pile. Any Italians unfamiliar with Rugby watching the match would have found the oval ball code as appealing as toenail ravioli.

Earlier that day, New Zealand qualified for the Football World Cup in front of a crowd wholeheartedly supporting their team.

I don’t want to get into a Rugby v Football debate (although I think the nation’s office kitchens are going to be ringing with that mid year), but I really wish the first of these scenarios was more like the second – clear rules, supporting and having fun, and winning. That would do nicely.

Here’s my year, in sport, in sportreview.net.nz and for me.

2009: big sport stuff

All Whites making the World Cup finals
All of a sudden it’s 1982 again. I’m sure I’m not the only one who this qualification kind of sneaked up on. I wasn’t paying that close attention to the qualifiers, and then suddenly we were two games away, and the whole country was going All Whites crazy and calling it ‘Football’. Wonders never cease. For a country used to grim, po-faced ’support’ of its Rugby heroes, where Grizz Wylie’s statuesque pose when watching matches is seen as a model for manhood everywhere, not, perhaps more appropriately, something to lean on to keep warm, the Latin explosion of noise and color in the Caketin that night could change our country’s sporting landscape forever. Could. Anyway. We really have something to look forward to this year. Leg Break or ‘lucky git’ as he’s known around here, will be our man in the Guardian’s Fan thingo.

Black Caps
Can’t I just skip this? Andy Moles was out faster than a sneaky fart in a meeting room, and suddenly Dan is player, captain, coach, selector and god knows what else – we would be deeply fucked if we lost him at the moment. We got a little taste of how un-fucked we are without Shane Bond in Dunedin before going back to being just fucked without him.  Everything in my July 2008 Black Caps coach application still applies – we need two things – 1. John Wright and 2. a plan.

Chiefs make the Super 14 Final
Not sure how they got on after that, ah har har

The All Blacks.
We’re still South Africa’s bitches, but how long they can continue a coaching panel the equivalent of a Benny Hill chase scene, I don’t know. I only got to one match, the bitter bitter disappointment in Hamilton. NZ’s other national sport of kicking the All Blacks when they’re down is still alive and well. To me, there wasn’t a lot of difference between the way we played on the end of year tour and in the Tri Nations, it’s just we executed better, and playing against poorer quality sides up north would have helped. It’s still not going well, though, is it? The All Blacks’ 2011 preparations (and make no mistake, it’s ALL about 2011) is still in the ‘Hey! Let’s build a waterfront stadium!’ phase. Must try harder.

New Zealand cyclists kick the world’s arse
New Zealand cyclists had 15 world titles this year, and just this week, up and comer Jack Bauer outsprinted Tour De France riders Hayden Roulston and Julian Dean to win the national Road Race title. We’ve got cycling talent coming out our ears, and it’s looking all on on the track and the road for the Commonwealth Games and the Olympics. Pro wise, this year’s Tour De France should be a ripper, with Alberto v Lance and the new Brit Sky team. Can’t wait.

2009: sportreview.net.nz related highlights

Stalkipedia
I really enjoyed putting this together, there’s some great stuff in here, but NOT ENOUGH! I’m still accepting stalks team.

L&P take down
I wish more companies would piss me off so I could do This Kind Of Thing more often.

Podcasting
This is a lot of fun, and something I’m keen to do more of, if I can find a decent place to record them. The fist few have a certain charm, but the French preview one is where it hits its stride

The Herald showed some love

I won a copy of JRod’s first book

Best 2009 posts: Bowling through Wexford, Dan drops himself, Fight Club Duos, Keith Quinn on Twitter, Rattue joins the All Blacks, Tua / Cameron fight move, Bloggers at the Basin,

Best 2009 cartoons: Player Power, Dingo + shark, SuperDobbers, 18 and life to go,

Tech Talk with Phil Waugh – secretly probably my favorite thing I’ve done all year. Too weird?

2009: Rocking my world

Getting MySky
I CANNOT emphasise enough how much arse MySky kicks. Having long sent the VCR to the downstairs storage of doom, the ability to quickly ‘tape’ anything on a whim has changed my and sportreviewloveinterest’s lives. As a sport blogger, this means I can actually WATCH SPORT again – imagine that! It also means I can fast forward through the weather for the South Island – this makes me very happy indeed.

Starting a tumblr is a pretty low hassle way to make a neat site, and a great way to find new links and photos.

New Bike – conquered some sweet hills on this already.

Top 5 tracks in last.fm
1. The Kinks – This Time Tomorrow
2. Beck – Sing It Again
3. Ben Kweller – Thirteen
4. Harry Nilsson – Turn On Your Radio
5. The Velvet Underground – I Found a Reason

Film
In The Loop, Avatar 3D. I didn’t see many movies released in 2009 this year.

Books
Pathetic effort reading wise this year, due to watching too much iPod TV on the bus. I loved White Teeth and Cannery Row, while Man In Full made me very frustrated. Sport-wise, it was Summer 0f 49 and Tana’s Up Close, continuing the All Black tradition of mildly revelatory bios after they’re safely retired.

So, another year down. I hope you all are enjoying the site, I really enjoy your comments and having some larfs, especially on the twitter. My personal sporting highpoint this year is watching sportreview jr, who’s 19 months now, kick a ball – he hits it hard. He’s going to break the back of some poor unsuspecting net one day.

Related: best of 2008, best of 2006 one, two

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Our motivation? Pissing everyone in the world off – Ponting

January 8, 2010 in cricket, news by Richard Irvine | No comments

NEWSDESK: Annoying every man, woman and child on the planet was all the motivation Ricky Ponting’s players needed to complete their 36 run win over Pakistan in Sydney. “I told the boys we’ve got a great chance of pissing off everyone in the world if we got those wickets, a great chance,’ said Ponting. “I bet there’s a whole lot of blokes in Laos really fucked off with us right now – we’ll all be laughing about that in the bar tonight!”

Offspinner Nathan Hauritz, who pissed off Johannesburg, large parts of Ethiopia and the Maldives with his five wicket bag in Pakistan’s final innings was unrepentant. “Everyone likes to see us lose, but that’s tough. I used the tear stained faces of Cricket mad kids in India to help get us home. Damn, it feels good.”

“Those ‘blogging from their parents’ basement’ fucks on the internet helped me get a ton,” said Michael Hussey, who was voted “Number One Most Unpopular And Dastardly Man” in a Columbian website poll on Wednesday night. Hussey added he was thinking of changing his ‘Mr Cricket’ nickname to ‘Mr Suck My Balls’.

Several of the world’s leaders registered their disapproval on behalf of their nations: “Nothing unites the world like seeing Australia lose at Cricket,” said French Premier Nicolas Sarkozy, who watched the last few overs. “I hate seeing those smarmy fucks jumping around when they win. Carla is inconsolable.” Sarkozy confirmed he would instruct Parisian waiters to be ruder than usual to any Australian tourists this weekend.

ICC Chief Executive Haroon Lorgat said he deeply regretted the Australian win; “Here we are trying to grow our game and those frickin Australians go and annoy the piss out of everyone. I was on the phone to the IOC panel and most of Belgium this morning to make amends.”

While global annoyance levels for this match weren’t at the all time highs of The Great Plague or England’s Adelaide collapse, Lorgat warned that we were due for a big one. “Just imagine if this was New Zealand with a test or even series win in their grasp, before being cruelly pegged back by those Baggy Green douchebags. Actually, having thought about it, we’re all pretty much fucked.”

Pod with balls

December 15, 2009 in cricket by Richard Irvine | No comments

Listen to a reading from Jrod’s new book, where discusses Richie Benaud, and grabbing his balls. Richie’s balls. Intrigued? Just mildly sickened? You will be – get over to Cricket With Balls for a listen.

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I reckon it’d be sweet working in an office

December 15, 2009 in cricket, opinion by Richard Irvine | 1 comment

Hi, I’m Chris Martin, Black Caps paceman and ‘get the roller ready’ batsman. Har!

As an international Cricketer, I’ve got it pretty good, bowling, fielding, practicing, traveling the world, looking myself up on cricinfo.com, walking through airports with a big bags. It’s a great time.

But sometimes, you know, I reckon it’d be sweet to work in an office. Walking in, all “What’d you get up to at the weekend?”, “What about the Rugby?” and “I bet it’s raining in Wellington!” I mean, usually when I walk into the dressing room, I’m all “Who nailed my bat to the door? And my bloody undies?” Offices are awesome.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s a great life being a Cricketer, chewing gum and reading the paper and that, but I could really handle just, like, photocopying TPS reports and staring at the wall. I’d be into that. By myself. Just… thinking. Wicked!

I couldn’t imagine anyone in an office giving me shit about my name, either, people in offices would be all “Chris Martin? Yeah, I really love Coldplay, eh. I’ve got all their albums, do you want to come watch my ‘Viva La Vida La Birmingham’ Blu-Ray one night? I’ve got a massive, massive plasma. And a BMW.” That’d be wicked.

You just know where you stand in an office, everyone’s got a desk, a seat, work to do. I wouldn’t even mind being on a kitchen roster, I’d probably grumble a bit, but it’d be fine, really. There’s a whole DEPARTMENT to sort out your problems. The HR department. You could probably look yourself up on hrinfo.com. I’d love an HR department here, no more thrashing about blindly in the showers bawling “FIGHT YOU! FIGHT YOU ALL! COME ON!” Good times.

So yeah, count me in. Looking forward to that office. Coffee. Signing big cards and putting money in envelopes. Maybe a computer. A cake on your birthday! Probably have to buy it yourself, but still. Probably be heaps less bats chucked around in an office. Eh. That’d be sweet.

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