Cricket With Balls’ Jrod bemoans the similarity of UK Sky Sports’ Cricket logo with the Major League Baseball one.
Sat at the Mac trying to find something to fuck around with when I should be writing, I fired up Photoshop:
Them apples. You like?
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Sportsfreak and Cricket With Balls have both applied for the Black Caps coaching job - that seemed like a nickable idea, so here’s mine.
Jeremy Coney, on his first tour to Australia, was given some money to buy himself a pair of cricket shoes. He came back with a twelve string guitar. This is the model for my coaching regime.
Let’s face it, we’re a small, remote, Rugby obsessed nation with no meaningful domestic scene to speak of, and we punch above our weight as it is. We’re going to embrace humor and guts, and get on with it. I reckon we’ll do brilliantly.
Our players will all be free to play in England, India, even (especially) Australia if it means they front up for the Black Caps and score runs and take wickets. All up and comers must play a year in Ireland at my old club to get some solid life experience / piss down them.
From now on, NZ Cricket’s priorities will be tests, then everything else. We’ll play with style and imagination, and we’ll never take an embarrassing towelling again.
These are the kinds of players I’ll develop:
The Latham. No nonsense opener who knows how to stay out there and make runs. Can also bowl dobbers.
The Wright. No nonsense opener who knows how to stay out there and make runs. Is also really funny.
The Fleming. Captaincy genius. Works opposition batsmen out to the extent they can’t fart without a fieldsman being on hand.
The Crowe. A ‘where did he come from?’ batsmen with shots so elegant the Aussie quicks weep into their moustaches.
The Jones. Guy with style as ungainly as using an ironing board to change a lightbulb in the dark, but scores runs.
The MacMillian. Fearless, swashbuckling shotmaker. Can also bowl dobbers.
Brendan McCullum. I’ll have two, please.
The Hadlee. Makes the ball talk, saying stuff like “You’re shit. Get back in the shed”.
The Harris. Folk hero batsman who specialises in getting us home against Australia in the tight ones. Can also bowl dobbers.
The Dan. Every team needs a guy in glasses. We may need a fat guy also.
The Bond. We just need someone really, really quick.
Other initiatives include:
The Dobber academy. We’ll play to our strengths and produce a nation of slow mediums that can tie down an end and take vital wickets.
Marketing will be immediately handed over to Mike and Paul of the Beige Brigade - this should have been done years ago. NO music will be played at the grounds when cricket is being played, ever
John Parker will be manager. Martin Sneddon will be ordered back from Rugby once he’s done a brilliant job at that.
TV and radio commentary will be handled by Leg Break and the Mike on Cricket lot, along with Jeremy Wells. JRod will do the interviews / keys in the pitch bit.
That’s my application. Remember, a vote for a smart-arse blogger coached Black Caps is a vote for New Zealand, pies for lunch, beers after work, and beating Australia.
Pulp Sport’s Bill and Ben invent Crugby. I imagine Lance Cairns would be good at this. And Jerry Collins.
It’s Man U v Chelsea in extra time of the Champions League final. Some people drank to settle their nerves. Some couldn’t watch. This Chelsea fan decided a very public Sherman Tank was the way to go. Full credit: Haydn Dropkick
I just know I’m the last person on the internets to link to this. I just really, really love swearing, though.
As a new parent, this caught my eye. I’m thinking numbers 7 and 11.
SRPA: Popular commentator Ian Smith pulled no punches after Wednesday’s Grant Elliot run out controversy. “I’m absolutely disgusted at Paul Collingwood’s decision making. To think this guy is captaining England, birthplace of the game… it really makes you wonder. That kind of thing has no place in the international game” said Smith, adding he wouldn’t mind smashing Collingwood’s face in.
When asked about the Kiwi’s chances of taking the series at Lords he commented “Hold your horses. The Black Caps’ lack of sportsmanship after the match was sickening, I almost vomited kebab all over Mike Atherton, it was that bad. That kind of thing has no place in the international game”.
Being disgusted at both teams over a single incident is new territory for Smith, but one he’s comfortable with. “Look, I’m fucking disgusted on a daily basis. If I can’t be deeply, deeply critical of one team or player, no worries, I’ll be gravely disappointed with everyone, if that’s the way they want it.”Smith was also greatly offended by a lack of eclairs at the afternoon buffet, and his taxi ride home at the conclusion of play.
Can Piswiddle win the ashes? - Mitchell and Webb cricketing stupidity ahoy
Some guy wandering around booting footballs into places he shouldn’t, brilliantly.
Little Gary Neville takes life awfully seriously - here he is refusing to shake hands with old mate Peter Schmichael, who went to play for the other guys. He doesn’t look too bothered, though.
Photoshop comp - Unpopular movie-based video games. Har.
Having embraced this revolutionary scanner technology, I’m going to fire up some photos from the vault. You can click on the photos to make them bigger.
This was one one of my best sporting days out ever - New Zealand v Australia in the 1999 Cricket World Cup in Cardiff. Me and three of me besht mates made the train trip from London the night before, and after an evening out dodging short, angry Welsh men wound up to punching point by pissed antipodeans trying to steal their girlfriends, we woke up and made our way to the ground. Possibly the biggest cheer of the day came early when then-Wales Rugby coach Graham Henry (still the Great Redeemer at that stage) and Raewyn came past trying to find their seat.
We had great seats, if a little side-on. Behind us sat an English cricket boffin in a ‘I got dressed in the dark’ pink shirt. He’d bought his hand written notebook of handy stats, and scribbled away happily all day. We’d get questions like “Whatever happened to random under-20 player that toured England seven years ago we didn’t have a fucking clue about? I thought he might have been playing?”. Bless.
Behind us and to the side - an Aussie wearing only a mullet and Aussie flag boxers - I shit you not. He had an amazing array of songs and chants and mixed it up all day, not repeating himself once*. We soon discovered the beer tent, and spent most of the accumulation period getting fairly arseholed under the warm Cardiff sun. I forget what we were having, but it was served in proper plastic pint glasses. Very civilised.
As for the match, Geoff Allot took out the openers, and except for Lehmann’s Micheal Beven-impressions, the Aussies had nothing, really. 213 was the target and the between-innings beer queue murmurings were cautiously optimistic. Until we came out and started losing wickets. The Aussies were going through us like Kim Hughes goes through tissues, until Roger ‘hero’ Twose and Chris ‘bloody hero’ Cairns started turning things around, taking singles until they caught and passed the run rate, and started playing shots. In the haze, I can remember Cairns twice hitting Warne back over his head into the river running behind the ground. Glorious. Cairns went with a dozen or so to go, but we were all but there.
When the winning runs were hit, there was nothing to do but run on the field. I turned to shake hands with Pink Shirt, and he waved me on, saying “Enjoy it lads”. We bloody did, getting the obligatory ‘lying on the pitch!’ (above), and the ‘in front of the scoreboard on the day we wasted the Aussies! The bloody Aussies!’ (below) photo ops. Then it was back to the train station for the three hour journey home with the Aussie fans. Nice.
Then we lost to Pakistan in the semi, the Aussies somehow won theirs, and they only went and won the bloody thing. Still, I’ll always have Cardiff.
*this isn’t true.
Me no blog much lately. New baby and all that.
Tell ya what though, it’s great for watching sport. Unless that sport is cricket. Here’s Kevin Pietersen making Scott Styris look like a one dimensional medium pace journeyman who’s retired from all non-pyjama cricket in a ‘come get me’ shout to any cashed-up Indian league after a one dimensional medium pace journeyman. At least ‘Scotty’ isn’t the first he’s done it to.
And hey, cruising youtube I stumbled on this guy - he does Macca’s Warney stance and captain Dan’s pull and cut shots. It’s brilliant - and handily, 2 minute’s distraction from the fact we’re getting flogged at any and every format going. If we had a hit against England at the local indoor cricket centre, we’d be leaving with tails between legs. It’s bloody depressing. I even found myself reading Adam Parore and silently nodding, for god’s sake. Yes, it’s that bad.
What’s the solution? Fark knows. Hopefully once the wee man (he looks like a batsman, not like the old man) settles in a bit, a bit more smart arse-bloggery will help a bit. Righto.
SRPA: In a bold reverse psychology gambit, John Bracewell has been putting the Black Caps through their batting slump paces this week. “What the hey, we’ve been practising actual batting and that for months, and it’s done us no bloody good at all.” said Bracewell. The second test at Old Trafford saw New Zealand reel from 85/3 to 114 all out. “If the guys get some solid utter humiliation under their belts at training, that will definitely translate to runs in the middle.” said Bracewell, involuntarily punching himself hard in the leg.
Team Psychologist Alexander Cranishake explains the four stages of the battling collapse methodology: “First step is ‘false dawn’, or getting away to a good start - you don’t want to blow out too soon so the crowd can get away and achieve something with the rest of their day. Second stage is the ‘tipping point’, where we lose both openers, and possibly three and four very, very quickly. We’re missing Flem now, so we’re obviously short of experience in this area. Third stage is the ‘domino’, where guys get out to shots Dennis Lillee wouldn’t play in beach cricket. Fourth stage is ’slow death’, with Chris Martin sticking around for fifteen overs for three runs. The team’s also practising microskills like ruefully shaking their heads, slowly walking to the pavilion, airshots of what they ‘meant’ to play, and throwing their box at the parking attendant”.
In a hastily arranged practise match against a Plummywell 2nd XI, the Black Caps failed to carry out the game plan, reaching 438/2 in the first innings. After a stern talking to, the team were all out for 92 in the second. Brendon McCullum chimed in with a useful 2. “The guys displayed some real application out there. They almost got away to a formidable total, but pegged it back nicely to a rout.” said Bracewell. “Woah. Braces must be really, really high.” said captain Daniel Vettori.
In other news, Daniel Flynn was a notable absentee from ‘getting smacked hard in the face with cricket balls’ sessions this week.
I’m taking on other Cricket bloggers in Sportsfreak’s Cricket tipping competition - the IPL of cricket tipping. I tip like Wendell Sailor trying to find the hotel loo in the dark after a three day bender, generally, but I’ve got a bad feeling about this, for two reasons:
1. On the *actually remembering to make picks* front, I’m shocking. This is also my achilles heel in the Virtual Super 14 (I only lasted one week this year before forgetting). I’ve already deleted the emailed questions for the first test.
2. I’d hate to jinx anyone. I’ve picked Ross Taylor to do well, so he’s bound to injure his wrist getting his passport out of his fanny pack or something.
Tauranga man releases World Cup report
SRPA: Tauranga resident Ron Harshdial has released his own report on the 2007 All Blacks’ World Cup failure. ‘Why did we lose?, I’ll bloody tell you why’ astonishes in its’ detail, passion, page count and spelling.
Main points include ‘Not enough farmers in the team’, the things Harshdial would do to Wayne Barnes in a ‘dark alley’ scenario, and ‘Soft cocks. Just… soft cocks.’
Andrew Hore emerges favorably from the report, the seal shooting incident being seen as evidence of a will to win, while Harshdial maintains underwear models in the team should be slashed by 100%.
Parore regrets not slapping more team mates
In the aftermath of the IPL’s Harbajan Singh slap incident, former Black Cap Adam Parore admitted today he would love to have slapped several team mates in his international career. He told reporters: “You can DO that? Yeah… yeah…” with a faraway look in his eye.
Parore added that these days, he wouldn’t mind slapping Mike Pero.
Be the envy of all the freezing commuters on your bus with sportreview.net.nz’s IPL T-shirt (first T-shirt full stop!).
It works out to about $35 NZD including shipping, fill yer boots.
Pure gold from Pulp Sport - Chris Martin (test average 2.55) brings you his Learn to Bat dvd. He’s just so serious.
Smug Shots is people, usually pissed, going up to footballers, usually in a bar or airport, and having their photo taken. That reminds me, I must dig out that photo of me with Glenn Osbourne.
Let’s face it - ten pin bowling isn’t cool, unless you’re The Dude. It’s all corporate team building and weird shoes smelling of watered down disinfectant and that. If I was going have a go, though, I’d be wanting to do something like this.
If you’re like me and spend all day in an office, you may enjoy Whack Your Boss. Disclaimer - I don’t want to whack MY boss. Annoy - yes. Whack - No.
Stephen Fleming loped over the boundary rope for New Zealand for the last time on Tuesday, having secured his test average of 40, and going out as undoubtedly our most successful captain ever, but leaving the sporting public torn. Depending on who you talk to he’s either going too early or he should have gone years ago. So which is it? The knockers may want to look away now…
Fleming famously asked Richard Boock to write his biography, after Boock spent the previous year waging a campaign against Fleming’s captaincy in the Herald as bizzare as it was savage. This was a typically pagmatic move. The book contains plenty of turmoil under its dreadfully cheesy cover, from Glenn Turner’s iron rule prompting Paroroe and Cairns’ hissy fit rebellions, the human ego Chris Cairns being in the dressing room generally, the Sri Lankan bombing and NZC’s disgraceful insistence the tour go ahead, and Dion Nash, Matthew Bell and Flem being hung out to dry for smoking grass in South Africa when others were involved. It’ll be interesting to read his side of the Bracewell era if he publishes another.
He was an atypical New Zealand batsman - graceful, not bludgeoning, preferring to guide the ball to the cover or straight boundary than slogging to cow corner. As the Napier radio commentators never tired of saying, it was typical that in his last test he passed 50 twice but missed out on 100s. I would have liked to see him ride it out for a few more years in the test team without the armband and rack up some big scores, and slyly digging at the opposition as a senior pro. He did this in Hamilton to great effect, hinting the Black Caps were the only team playing cricket going into the final day, helping pile pressure on England like a collector’s pin through a bug. We’ll miss his catching alright, and I was dying to see where his endorsements would head next, having flogged heat pumps like they were a new religion backed by country and western singers, and wandering Cuba Mall dressed as a giant deodorant can accosting passers-by. It could have only got better.
I was at the Oval in 1999 the day we clinched a test series win in England, it sparked the most productive period of his captaincy, taking in the the ICC trophy win, culminating in summer of 2001, when he toyed with Australia in Australia, knocking them out of their own Tri-Series, and so nearly winning a test series, which would have been the crowning glory.
Fleming was a thinking, pragmatic captain (Cricket with Balls went so far as to describe him as Noam Chomsky-like) and got the best out of the resources he had - this is New Zealand cricket after all, we don’t have a county championship to make professionals like England, or teams of potential Bradmans queueing up for their shot like Australia. Fleming was too intelligent, too sure of himself, too graceful in his strokeplay, too willing to say what he thought, and probably too handsome for yer average Kiwi to fully accept. He wasn’t the ‘gee, shucks’ humble bloke we love so much, and he copped it for that. If he’d been born in Sydney or Perth, the Aussies would have loved him.
Links on Flem
Fleming and Macca take to Shane Warne in 2001
The famous Richardson interview
THAT century v South Africa in 2003
Cricket? For the first time in my LIFE I switched from a test to watch Rugby League on Sunday afternoon, as we threw it away in the first innings. I’ll have more to say on this when I get a sec, but you should read Hamish McDougall and Paul Beige Brigade’s roundups. Mike On Cricket has had excellent stat-y coverage throughout the series also.
Everyone loves Kevin Keegan, but depressingly predictably, he’s not the Geordie Messiah Newcastle fans were praying for, results-wise anyway. He’s not much of a cyclist, either. This clip comes complete with Alan Partridge-alike commentator and Kev’s insistence he’s OK, despite a mess of ripped flesh
Steve Nash is a big deal in the NBA - he’s also a Tottenham fan. Here’s a nice looking Nike TV spot he directed himself. You can see him kissing the Spurs badge midway through
Cross-linked from me other blog - The best muppet-based heavy metal primer you’ll see on the internet this week can be found here.
SRPA: England’s famous Barmy Army will go up against the Black Chaps, or ‘National Bank presents the Black Chaps in association with Samsung’ at this weekend’s third test. NZ Cricket marketing manager Dave Slickback said “We looked at England’s tremendous support, and decided we can do that too. Just not as well.”
Budding Black Chaps must buy an official ‘Black Chap Pack’ supporters kit, with an inflatable ‘Bend it like Billy’ hand, a song sheet with officially licenced Exponents songs, and Sonny Shaw edition flags, to be waved at pre-determined breaks in play. “The National Bank presents the Black Chaps in association with Samsung will keep the Barmy Army on their toes.” said Slickback. “Their wholehearted spontaneous grassroots support won’t have encountered a total family entertainment package like this before.”
Wellington’s cricket crowd looked like they had a great time @ the weekend - here’s the guy falling over, always the litmus test of a great day out. Check out the pissy look on the fall-ee.
Chris Waddle is a Spurs legend - and he’s still got it
Newspaper cartoons are cool - Peanuts, Calvin and Hobbes, Footrot Flats, etc. B3ta don’t think so, so they made them funny again - NSFW, some of it, and not for the taking offense brigade
Take the test (hat tip Audent)
There’s a fascinating email exchange over on the Beige Brigade’s site. The chaps offered to help out with L&P’s Back Yard Cricket (BYC) tournament held in Paeroa (one of the most heavily ‘branded’ towns in the world - those poor, poor people) at the weekend, and got this back from the ad agency:
“We don’t want to position ourselves as hi-tech, as a brand. We’re all about back in the day and would probably prefer to use the an 80s dial phone… It’d be great if you’d like to put a link on your site to ours, we would appreciate that…I guess creatively we do feel that our senses of humours are quite different. We kinda see the Beige Brigade as high profile funny guys where as L&P is always the backseat funny guy, finding humour in little kiwi truths and not really making a fuss. We…don’t feel the fit is quite right for L&P, strategically.”
Woah. While this email probably wasn’t meant to be dragged around the internets, the agency have got this one wrong. I do a little ‘branding’ in the day job, and while it’s fun and challenging with something you believe in and understand, you get into deep water real fast if that’s not the case.
EVERYTHING you’re flogged on the telly, radio or newspaper (yes, probably even the Totalspan robot-dog), is ’strategically’ ‘branded’. Many, many eyebrow furrows and skinny lattes go into figuring out how that washing up glove will make you feel, what that Flyspray would say if it could talk, and what radio station the Tinea Cream would listen to (George. It’s always George).
This account manager has balked at letting the Brigade play in the tournament, and sent them an email with a few cut n’ pastes from the brand outline. That’s shoddy. The Beige Brigade are organised, ambitious, generous (they wholeheartedly support local spelling bees and the beige penguin), positive and passionate supporters, in a country where bagging Black Caps is a pretty popular past-time.
The BYC campaign has its’ funny moments, but if it’s backed up by pompous, humour-free PR that just doesn’t get it, that’s a big fat FAIL. A little research into what the Brigade were all about would have been a far, far classier move than an email like that. You can bet the men in beige will be around doing good things for cricket in New Zealand long after L&P have finished mining this particular vein of Kiwiana to flog sugary water.
So simple it’s brilliant. It’s American football, it’s Brett Favre going about his business wearing shoulder pads, and a fan steals the ball. There’s nothing left to say, really
The hilarious Stuff White People Like blog scores a big fat bull’s eye on the idea of soccer
Speaking of which, they say footballers are prone to gaming referees and try to gain unlawful advantage. This is, of course, completely untrue
Here’s 100 things never to say in a job interview. I’d probably ask if the stationary was locked up at night
In case you missed it, here’s Andrew Symonds’ shoulder charge. Legendary raisin Richie Benaud’s comment proves he’s STILL the master
This was the Herald’s homepage this evening. I reckon Herald Staff have been:
A. Unfair with their choice of photos. Vincent’s batting with his eyes shut in one, and has this kind of “LOL! loadsa money Lou!!!!” look in the other. And…
B. Presumptuous to say he’s declared himself cured of depression. There’s no comment from Vincent or representative here at all.
OK, so taking the money and running is not a good look after much publicised mental health issues (it’s a shame he won’t play for New Zealand), but still. This story just doesn’t feel right to me - I thought it was one of mine at first.
- Gordon Strachan is the undisputed master of the press conference - it’d be nice to see someone give Smithy a bit of this
- Sad to see Stephen Fleming retire, but this guy won’t be too upset. Still, I wouldn’t want to piss him off
- Remember Zidane headbutting Materazzi in the World Cup final? It’s fair to say he had some form
- On Facebook yet? It’s… OK, now I’ve started blocking people with the Vampires and fighting and that. This looks way better
SRPA: Ever woken up racked with dread, wondering what you did last night? Bangalore franchise CEO Charu Sharma can empathise. He woke up this morning with a mind numbing hangover. And Nathan Bracken.
“What have I done?” said Sharma, after a prolonged bout of moaning and finding a cool, damp towel for his forehead. “Last thing I remember was enjoying the canapes and a little wine in reception. Next thing I have this guy in a headband sitting in my hotel room. What a horrible, horrible situation.”
An clearly tired and emotional Sharma bid $325,000 USD in last night’s Indian Premier League player auction, picking up Bracken unopposed while shouting “The headband! I want the headband! Hahahahahahahaaa!” After some strong black coffee Sharma was looking on the bright side this morning. “I guess I can use him. Fielding at cow corner. Shoring up an end. Mowing my lawn. Everyone’s good at something.”
Tomorrow, instead of spending my best years sitting at a desk (I love my job, really), I’ll mostly be sleeping in then trotting off to the Cricket (if the rain stays away). Let’s see if we can wrap it up 3-0 and then play the kids. What? We’re beating them WITH the kids? OK then.
While I’m there, I’ll fire some insight (heh) through to the Sportsfreak. Their live blog of game two was a real larf and got picked up on the Guardian’s blog.
Actually, I’m just hoping to see the lights. I’ve been to two day night matches where it’s been all over before they’re even turned on. Come on, England!
Then on Saturday night, it’s Eden Park again for the Chiefs v the Blues. They will play a game called Rugby, you may have heard of it. Surreally, it’s that season again, seems like only yesterday I was wallowing in a black hovel of despair… Still, it’s not going to go away, and as much as I hate myself, I’ve got a nagging curiosity, and I’ll be interested to see the New Rules. I’ve got no idea what they’re about. It’s going to be a shambles. Nah, it IS far too early to be watching Rugby, isn’t it?
SRPA: Rugby fans may grumble about under-strength touring teams being cleaned up by the national side, but Cricket fans can’t get enough of it. New Zealand clinched a series victory against a Ponting and McGrath-less Australia in 2007’s Chappell-Hadlee series, and are now proving too strong for an England side without Vaughan and Flintoff.
“It’s brilliant, isn’t it?” said NZ Cricket supremo Justin Vaughan. “One minute we’re chasing down 346 against Aussie, the next we’re thrashing England by ten wickets. We’re looking to secure South Africa minus Graeme Smith for next year.”
SRPA: The ICC is set to rock the cricket world with a radical new format designed to take on the rebel Twenty20 leagues. The game takes place over five consecutive days, with no limits on bowlers’ overs, and team batting twice, if required. “There may well be scenarios where an individual could bat all day, if he’s good enough.” said ICC Chief executive Malcolm Speed at a press conference. “Imagine that!”
“There may be a few rumblings from the Long Room brigade, but we’re sure they’ll come around.” said ICC Director Of Communications Tim Strong-Ginbender. “Cricket’s a game of tradition - but we can’t be afraid to innovate. Where will the Michael Bevans and Chris Harrises of the future come from? Cricket’s forefathers, visionary men like Kerry Packer, would approve I’m sure.”
The new format was developed by a specially commissioned think tank, fresh from designing the 2007 World Cup format. “We holed up in a Dubai hotel with a whiteboard for three months.” explained Strong-Ginbender. “There was no such thing as a bad idea. Five days? Sure! Two innings? Go with that! Different coloured balls - why not red? Just a tremendous amount of energy and enthusiasm in the room.”
Players’ consultant Inzamam Ul-Haq, who spent the press conference slowly shaking his head and moaning softly, declined to answer any questions not related to the hotel’s buffet, which featured excellent Pain Au Chocolat and unlimited coffee refills before 10.30am.
- Gilchrist’s 57 ball century - Gilly is cool, dogdy “I always walk / but sometimes like to appeal for obvious non-catches, too” stance aside
- Attention wincing fans! Here’s the 15 Greatest Mountain Bike crashes eva
- Before Spike Jonze became the guy being mean to Scarlett Johansson in Lost In Translation, he made skateboard videos - and pretty bloody well, too
- Worst sport movies ever - they’re no Carry Me Back, that’s for sure
Here’s one I prepared earlier at The Aucklandista…
Cricket’s a summer bat and ball game invented by England but perfected by the West Indies, India, Pakistan and Australia (boo!). Being English, there’s a whole bunch of complicated rules, but they won’t concern you when you’re deciding if you can still eat a hot dog dropped in a beer. Keen to get involved? There’s an FAQ after the jump…
Former flatmate and ace league reporter Steve Kilgallon threw me a frickin’ bone, commissioning this cartoon that appeared on honest to goodess newsprint in Sunday’s cricket supplement.
Click photo to make bigger
Hi. I’m Billy Bowden. I’m the guy that made cricket un-boring just by being zany - I do the dancing six signals and the daggy bent finger and that. Remember? There’s nothing I won’t do to put a smile on your dial!
So, last week I was at home watching ‘Bring It On!‘ to suss some new moves when I got a phone call. “Billy, we need you to save the series! Players are at each other’s fucking throats, they’re threatening to go home, and the TV bosses are darker than a nasty dose of Guinness shits! You’ve gotta come save us!” They chose the right guy.
Everyone knows laughter’s the best medicine. My career is testament to that. But this brouhaha is pretty blimmin’ serious, and it’ll take more than ol’ Billy hopping on one leg with a priceless expression on his face to fix it. No, this assignment calls for the big guns. Buckle up Australia, I’m bringing Marc Ellis and Ridgey with me.
I’ve got it all planned out, it’s gunna be brilliant. I’ll be out in the middle cracking everyone up with my patented whacky signals, while the fellas make Mums and Dads at home roll on the floor laughing with funny interviews. They’ll probably take off their clothes. In a funny way. I can just see Ridgey walking out to stick his car keys in the pitch wearing just his Y-fronts. Or something. We should probably get Mike King involved too, he’s probably not busy.
Those Aussies won’t know what hit ‘em. You can’t lodge a formal complaint with the match referee when you’re cracking up laughing, eh! And after it’s all over and I’ve got all the autographs I need, we can have a cold one and a curry and everyone’ll say “thank goodness for Billy saving the day with laughter. Hang on - what’s he doing now? Oh I see. Ha hah hah ha ha. He never stops’”. It’s gunna be sweet.
SRNZPA: Despite enduring a cricketing humiliation roughly equivalent to walking into the Long Room at Lord’s wearing only Marmite, Bangladesh’s cricketers are looking on the bright side. “We have learned so much from being bent over and used in this manner by the Kiwis.” said captain Mohammad Ashraful. “When they chart our cricketing development, conceding 95 in six overs will go down as a joyous, joyous day!”
Bangladesh have picked up many little tips from the Black Caps. “Instead of being bowled by Kyle Mills, I should have hit it for six!” said opener Junaid Siddique. “It’s so obvious.” The Black Caps role model what’s required at this level. “To relieve the tension, the Kiwi play ‘Who farted?’” said Ashraful. “They are true professionals.” New Zealand coach John Bracewell’s effortless media mastery has also impressed. “The way he ducks and weaves like a drunk man walking in mud fascinates me.” said Farhad Reza. “Lke the old saying, ‘Beware the wise snake wearing skin of ass.’”
Bangladesh celebrated with the Black Caps after the Queenstown match, observing first hand how a top class outfit winds down. “I look forward to playing ‘pokies’ and enjoying many drinks set on fire in the future” enthused Shahadat Hossain.
- Manchester City News - the more I watch this, the more hilarious it becomes. And the more I worry about my lack of humour development since age 12
- Sportsfreak on Michael Hussey - they’re right, you know, he’s boring his way into history
- Stephen Fry’s Dork Talk - everyone’s fav foppish wordsmith is a Mac guy, and he’s writing a gadget review column for the Guardian. Who would have thought?
- Norman Mailer fight - here’s a bizarre scene from his improvisational movie Maidstone where Rip Torn decides to take artistic direction into his own hands. Mailer died this week
Black Caps’ coach John Bracewell was in a defiant mood today, telling a post match press conference South Africa would have to do better than utterly crush the Black Caps by 358 runs to truly humiliate them. “We’ve been humiliated by some of the greats - Australia, the West Indies, Pakistan… you really have to take us to bits until we’re rocking back and forth on the shower floor, shivering ‘cos the water went cold three days ago to be considered a great team. South Africa still have work ahead of them to join that club”.
According to Bracewell, the Proteas’ unopposed romp through the Kiwi top order does not mark this humiliation out as anything special. “It’s been done. Steyn’s ten wickets is a point of interest but compare that with bowling us out for 26 - which one sticks in the memory? You need to improve the balance with the batting - Inzamam scored more runs on his own in 2002 than our whole team, for example. They’d want to destroy one of the youngsters’ sprit to the extent they give up the game completely, for example.”
Bracewell says South Africa’s attempt to improve on this attempted humiliation will create interest in the rest of the series. “We’ll have more guys out injured and be reeling after an evening of clear-the-air-bonding turns into protracted drunken recriminations. With my job hanging by the thinnest of threads, it’ll be up to South Africa to really get the foot on the throat and join the ranks of the great Black Caps humilators. It depends how much they want it.”
- The best sporting interview ever - Martin Brundle with Kimi Raikkonen. Jerry Collins would’ve just done it on the grid
- Kevin Pieterson reverse sweeps Murali for six - says it all really - what a blow
- Wired’s saddest cubicle competition ‘winners’ - makes my paper-and-dirty-dishes covered mess look like a little slice of heaven. It’s still bloody scary turning my keyboard upside down, though
- Friday 13th through the years - I’ve not seen much after about #5. Actually all my Friday 13th experiences have been on VHS, I think
- Le Tour’s Mount Ventoux - bugger biking up here. It just goes up and up and up, and looks like the moon
- Greatest bit of fielding ever? - Gatting couldn’t be more surprised than if he’d been slapped with a fish
- A high quality Spurs goal from G. Linneker - Spurs are looking good for top four this year I reckon (Bonus link for you SportsFreaks: Glen ‘n Chris do Diamond Lights)
- Top 50 Muppets - I like Crazy Harry, the mad bomber. And Lefty
- Mike Whitney Toohey’s Ad - A throwback to a simpler time when the Windies were awesome, a man could feel comfortable in big hair and stubbies, and sport was just the warm up for drinking 23 cans of piss
- Sneaky goal - You can see him behind the goal going “I am the great invisible-ist-o! This rash ‘keeper is unaware of my powers and will soon pay a pretty price.”
- Paul Holmes beats down Dennis Conner - The infamous interview where Paul made a name for himself, before shooting off to play in the Midget Afro Basketball League. Ta, Public Address System
- Getting down on the range - some hip hop dancin’ dudes bring the streets to the golf course
- If computer errors told the truth - har
- Richie Benaud, 12, reacts to the underarm - This is fantastic, old Richie gives Greg Chappell both barrels. You don’t see this kind of honesty from commentators ANYWHERE these days
- Some guy defies certain doom to catch a football - never trust a fella with a ponytail seems to be the lesson here
- Hairy fingered UK football commentator Richard Keys swears - har, I always thought this guy was a dick, turns out I was right
- Ping-Pong Somehow Elicits Macho Posturing - “When I’m mano a mano on Pong Station 3000, that’s when I’ll face my worthiest adversary of all: me” - I love it
- Keano v Viera - the best bit’s when Gary “Rocky” Neville tries to get involved. Roy Keane is a legend - if you’re a fan at all, read this book.
- Sportsfreak’s Comical Braces - World Cup round up. Apparently it was all a glorious triumph!
- America’s Most Suspicious - har
- Ping Pong balls thrown into beer cups - who says recreational drugs kill your motivation?
- I’m off to see Dylan Moran on Thursday - can’t wait. Here’s one of Black Books’ best bits
- Sweet-ass ice sculptures I’m going to make with a chainsaw one day - har
If this long summer’s Cricket was a relationship, the BNZ series was meeting at a party when too drunk to talk, the Commonwealth Bank series was a ‘getting to know you’ dinner and movie without being asked in for coffee, Chappell-Hadlee was getting drunk and swimming naked, the World Cup was slowly realising something just wasn’t right, while McCullum sweeping Muralitharan down square leg’s throat in the Semi was getting a fax with “YOU’RE DUMPED! LOL!” on it.
So that’s it - we’re third in the world, which is arguably a great result for us - but I don’t feel like arguing, I feel like staying in my room for the weekend, wearing black and listening to The Smiths. It feels about as appealing as yesterday’s Asparagus rolls given 6 minutes in the microwave. The whole tournament has been, well, a bit shit, with empty stadiums, the early exits of Pakistan and India, the poor form of the hosts, England and South Africa adding up to make this tournament drag on more than a trip to Bed, Bath and Beyond “just to see what’s there”. This is all underlined by Bob Woolmer’s death and subsequent botched-up investigation, the exact opposite of what this enthusiastic and wise cricket man deserved.
New Zealand were consistent but not world beaters - and it was our old friends the Aussies and Sri Lankans that dented and finally totalled all that optimism that ‘this could be our year’. This sucks, because we’ve played them loads this summer - yet our guys were just as clueless about Malinga and Muralitharan’s bowling in the semi final as in January. We had some great moments, but like a steak sandwich made from Richard Loe’s jandals - this season’s best bits were in the middle (the Chappell-Hadlee series was just thrilling), with nasty business at the start and end.
Fleming took responsibility and his reign as captain of the one day side is over, but he was was hardly alone in a ‘New Zealand top order batsman not scoring runs’ club. Fleming was chucked in as captain as a 23 year old, and lead us to two World Cup semi finals and an ICC trophy. It’s a real shame we missed out on that test series win in Australia in 2001, Fleming deserves better than Richard Boock’s unreadable book and some of the most bizarre endorsement choices around (Dressing as a can of Rexona? Flogging air conditioners backed by country singers? “Thanks, Mr Hooker!”???) to remember him by.
I feel like that dreadlocked groundsman at the final putting the 30 yard circle back out when the umpires had finished fucking around - I’ve had enough Cricket for the moment, and I’m sure I’m not alone. I’m glad Malcom Speed and his crew were roundly booed at the final presentation - lucky the crowd bought their torches, eh? The Guardian’s Gideon Haigh sums it up better than I can:
When’s our next test series, anyway?
…
Ah well - that’s Cricket over with - bring on the Rugby. I’ve watched hardly any Super 14 this year, I feel the same way as when the Lions came out - there’ll be Rugby hysteria aplenty this year, so why not put it off as long as possible before succumbing? Following the Black Caps is about hoping for a miracle, while the All Blacks operate under grave, crushing, deadly, deadly serious and humour-free expectation. It’s still fun, mind, just different. I was really hoping for that Caribbean miracle, though. As a toe in a hot bath, I watched the Chiefs beat the Warratahs in a close, entertaining match on Friday evening, the kind they usually lose. It’s good to be back…
- Diving is a blight on football - as always, when you need some simple, violence-based common sense, Mr. T comes to the rescue
- Wow - Argentinian Lionel Messi scores for Barcelona. Handily for The New Maradonna they’ve put his goal next to another famous Argentinian’s finest hour - uncanny
- Runout of the day - AB de Villiars with a runout David Blaine would be proud of (’cos rarely for him, it wouldn’t be utter shit)
- Rio Ferdinand is a twat - reason # 378
- Rich guy wins yacht race - har
- Ever wondered what happened to Adam out of Adam and Joe? - now you know
SRNZPA: Pensioner Barry McDonnell can’t decide between watching the Black Caps’ semi final appearance against Sri Lanka from a Mount Maunganui Cosmopolitan Club bar stool or his couch. “It’s a close call, I tell ya” he said today.
“At the bar, you’re getting all the atmosphere. They’ve got some pretty decent numbers for the second innings considering it starts at sparrow’s fart. We’re still going on that meat pack they raffled for the Ireland match, too”. The increased chances of alcohol consumption are a major factor in his decision. “If I’m at the bar, and we’re winning, I’ll probably have a jug. Be rude not to. Then again, I’ll probably have one if we’re losing too. Elsie’d kill me if I had a drink at home before midday” he said.
There are major doubts about his couch as a viable option. “At home you can concentrate on the match alright and see all the replays, but there’s about as much atmosphere as a Richard Petrie fan club AGM. Elsie will be asking where Chris bloody Harris is every five minutes, too.”
McDonnell concluded his wife’s concern about neighbours’ opinion of the deck that’s needed painting for three years while he’s sitting on his arse in the middle of the day, for heaven’s sake would curtail his enjoyment of the match and that “I’ll be at the Cossie. Fuck it.” He went on to express similar concerns about his ability to peacefully view this years’ America’s Cup yacht racing and Rugby World Cup. A TV in the shed was one option being considered.
SRNZPA: In a bold move, England un-invented Cricket following their crushing nine wicket defeat at the hands of South Africa. Former ECB Chairman David Morgan told reporters “Our supporters have long faced taunts about England inventing the game, but being crap at it. Well, sod you lot quite frankly, we can ruddy well un-invent it. That is all.” When pressed further while leaving the press conference, a clearly tired and emotional Morgan blurted “You Aussies think you’re so smart - well stick this up your jacksie, Trev.” before being quickly lead away.
Chartered accountant Micheal Vaughan said “Obviously we’ll take full responsibility for ending Cricket forever - that’s life. Batting first after winning the toss wasn’t the best move, but hindsight’s 20/20 isn’t it? We just have to make the best of it.” Yorkshire plumber Andrew Flintoff: “Well the lads are pretty disappointed at how its worked out, but we mustn’t grumble, we’d had a good innings. We’ll always have fond memories of 2005, and that WAS a tremendous piss-up afterwards.”
“I’m absolutely devastated” responded Malcom Speed, unemployed. “One or two results have gone against England, and they’ve made what must have been an extremely tough decision. We’d bought the finest around to the Carribean for a carnival of Cricket, now we’ve just got a bunch of guys in tracksuits buying duty free booze. It’s a nightmare.”
Former Cricketers may not be out of a job if Saatchi & Saatchi Chief Executive Kevin Roberts’ planned breakaway sport “Loveball” gets off the ground. “Oh boy, I am super, super stoked! You guys are gonna love it! I haven’t been this excited since the Gillette Fusion razor! Woooooooo! Yeah! Woooooooo!” enthused Roberts before spontaneously exploding.
The repercussions of this unprecedented move will be felt far and wide, with Lords, Home Of Cricket facing a future as Lords, Home Of Gardening, and Rugby and Netball administrators fearing copycat uninventings before their own world cups later this year. The Channel Nine commentary team are now lobbying Rugby League for a job, with Tony Grieg making a breakaway bid for Polo and Basketball.
An utterly crap start to today, flipping between Sri Lanka thrashing NZ and Spurs going out of Europe. The only thing that could have made it worse would be if Rove came in and shat on the rug. Here’s some links, anyway…
- Matthew Hayden is the form batsman of the tournament so far - still, he’s pretty easy to wind up, as England find out, not to mention Glenn McGrath, age 12.
- A frankly stunning goal by Ricardo Quaresma - the ball seems to slow down in mid-flight
- Gazza’s semi final free kick - just to cheer me up
- Turns out Tiger did win the Masters after all - “I even came in second with all the strain, and I’m Tiger Woods”
- Vampire hunting kits - I would have LOVED one when I was 10. Bloody handy though, as we get into those cold winter nights
- Griffiths Games Megamart - the Brit gaming industry at its finest
SRNZPA: The little fancied Australians won the ICC World Cup Pub Quiz in the Barbados Holiday Inn’s conference rooms 3 & 4 last night. They beat pre-quiz favourites South Africa in a play off round, with the closest guess to the 1893 invention of Peanut Butter. This was a massive boost for Australia, who have an ignominious record in competition requiring brains, while South Africa added to their history of failing at the final hurdle.
A jubilant Ricky Ponting told journalists “The boys are made up. No-one gave us a VB’s chance in Warney’s fridge to win, but we showed some real ticker in here to pull it out. Every Australian can be proud of their team. We’re going to enjoy ourselves tonight, yeah.”
Australia were almost written off early, making schoolboy errors like identifying Bob Hawke as The Muppet Show’s Sam the Eagle in the world leaders round. Crucially, their choice of double point Joker round was ‘Offensively Moronic Commentators’, in which the Channel Nine team featuring heavily.
South Africa established a massive lead early on, before being slowly dragged back to the pack. Sean Pollock proved his worth as a world class all rounder in the music round, picking up a Stock, Aitken Waterman hat trick of Kylie Minouge, Sinitta and the Reynolds Girls in quick succession. “There are a lot of long faces at that table” admitted Pollock. “I’m disappointed ‘cos we haven’t learned from our mistakes - I’m not looking forward to facing the music back home.”
Dark Horses New Zealand made the semi finals with a minimum of fuss, and were many critic’s choice for the title, but spectacularly collapsed on the ‘Celebrity Babies’ round. Stephen Fleming said “I’m gutted, Ham Marshall bought a stack New Ideas with him, and I thought our gossip was going to very, very strong indeed. We argued and argued over Bruce Willis and Demi Moore’s kids names. I wrote down Scout, but Macca rubbed it out and put Brownie. That’s quizzing, I guess.”
SRNZPA: Following wins over England, Canada, Kenya and Bangladesh, the Black Caps will now meet France at Antigua & Barbuda on April 23. This match is part of the ‘Super Surprise’ round to be played between the conclusion of the Super 8s and the Semi Finals. Other fixtures include Australia v Mexico, South Africa v Fiji and Sri Lanka v Norway.
The Super Surprise round had been kept under wraps until now, and is designed to re-ignite interest in a tournament that’s come under heavy criticism for its confusing format and sparse crowds. “And you thought we we had nothing” said ICC chief executive Malcolm Speed.
SRNZPA: Ashburton resident Don MacFarlane has spoken out against 1977 Wisden Cricketer of the Year Viv Richards’ glowing assessment of New Zealand’s Cricket World Cup chances, claiming “They’ll still fuck it up from here”. Richards, who scored 8540 runs in his glittering test career was quoted today as saying “I like New Zealand’s approach, they’re quietly bubbling away, making no noise, and getting stronger by the day”. “Bullfarkinshit” said MacFarlane.
The Ashburton barber and Lions club member of 25 years poured scorn on Richard’s view that “You just get the feeling they’re peaking at the right time, and they’ve got all contingencies covered”. “He’s talking out his arse - the day the Black Caps win the World Cup is the day I run down the main drag with a bloody Blues jersey on. No way, mate.”
MacFarlane’s claims are based on historical precedents. “We had it on a plate in ‘92. Playing at home on our pitches, with our crowds, we never had it better. We just need to put the foot on Pakistan’s throat, but it all turned to shit. 99? Farked it up. 2003? Farked it up.” said MacFarlane, who added this was “typical” and that the Black Caps were “a pack of farkin chokers”.
The former Shirley lock forward was equally scathing about former Australian Test Skipper Ian Chappell’s assessment that “only New Zealand has the skill and courage to challenge Australia in the World Cup cricket final”. “Whatever” retorted the South Island-based fuckwit. “That’s the biggest lot of shit I’ve ever heard”, adding “they’ll all be injured by the time we play a decent team, anyway.”