Magical not-much-mystery tour

In Australia, the dossier on the South Africans has got a lot of coverage, after being carefully couriered leaked to an eager Aussie media. The document seems to mainly prescribe:

a. short pitched bowling, and

b. sledging

…which makes you wonder if the jandal-lickers’ tactics have moved on since the days of Ian Chappell etc. It’s as innovate as wandering into the Aussie’s dressng room and shouting ‘everyone grow a moustache!’. Still, it should be a fantastic series for cricket lovers bored with watching Sri Lankan groundsmen moving covers about.

 
 Picture included mainly because of ‘how awesome is this?’

The All Blacks have been on a full on Scottish social media assault, instagramming the locals and digitally tweeting themselves hoarse. Gone are the days when All Blacks like Meads, Lochore or Murdoch would turn up in the mother country to glower at the press and organise a big pub fight before boarding the plane having not actually said *anything* over the two months’ tour.

The All Blacks’ end of year tour has fallen into a fairy comfortable routine now, we either do the ‘warm up by smashing a couple of easy beats, before playing Wales then England’ or the grand slam, which is pretty much the same thing. Australia and South Africa do the same, which must be pretty depressing for the about-to-play-the-Six-Nations locals. Imagine if some guys turned up and smashed us for a month just before we played the Rugby Championship. More depressing than being Clive Woodward I’d imagine.

I’ll leave you with Rod Stewart crying, probably the best sporting thing that actually happened this week:

Judiciary awards Higginbotham two weeks on the Gold Coast for kicking McCaw in the balls

NEWSDESK: Player’s Association officials were questioning the SANZAR judiciary’s decision to punish Wallaby flanker Scott Higginbotham with two weeks’ all expenses paid holiday on the Gold Coast complete with Platinum Class VIP casino access and the use of a sweet 1975 Holden Monaro GTS V8, for kicking All Black captain Richie McCaw in the balls during the final Bledisloe test.

“We’re struggling to see the logic of sending Higginbotham to the Gold Coast when Richie is still questioning his will to live,” said New Zealand Professional Rugby Players’ Association chief Rob Nichol. “We’d expect more punitive measures to be handed down after such a heavy blow to our captain’s family jewels.”

McCaw refused to be drawn into the debate, but pointed out that the judiciary handed Conrad Smith an eight week suspension for an “aggressive nose clearance” infringement and called for some guidance and consistency.

The controversial decision comes on the back of Springbok prop Dean Grayling receiving a Great White Shark dive cage experience and ticker tape parade through Pretoria for gratuitously raking McCaw’s eyes with the referee’s whistle during a Rugby Championship encounter in Dunedin.

“Guys, what happened to ‘let’s win it for Kevvy?'” with Kevin Mealamu

OPINION: So last week it was all “Kevin Mealamu, great man. Kevin Mealamu, 100 tests. Kevin Mealamu, let’s mark the milestone properly.”

What was that bullshit all about? Just some crap for the TV guys eh? Yeah definitely.

All your old mate Kevvy wanted on Saturday night was one win for me. Just one win. Don’t reckon that’s too much to ask when I’ve spent 100 tests getting kicked in the face to get you guys the ball. Instead, everyone shows up and plays like they’re drunk on cough medicine.

I mean, Richie and Mils got their silver hats during the world cup. That was awesome. My 100th match winds up being some bullshit draw in Aussie. Ten years time, no-one’s going to talk about Kevin Mealamu’s 100th match, they’ll be taking about drawing with some shit-arse team.

Sucks to be Kevvy eh. Thanks heaps.

It’s great to be an All Black and that, but you try sharing your spot with Horey. Nothing against the guy, but you imagine training, eating your breakfast and trying to get on and off the bus safely next to a guy like that. He just doesn’t seem that stable some mornings, eh. He’s got guns at home.

I’d like to see Richie concentrate on being Captain Wonderballs with someone half decent up his arse. Every other good openside over the last few years has been ‘disappeared’ pretty much eh. Who’s seen Marty Holah lately? Just pointing it out.

I wear black on the outisde ‘cos black is how I feel on the inside.

So we have a sponsor on the All Black jersey now. It’s actually remarkable that we’ve held out this long without but in true NZRFU / Eden Park hot dog style, now we’ve decided to cash in, we’ve done it in a shamelessly revenue-grabbing / shit on tradition manner. I’m sure (actually I have no idea) that AIG are a fine multinational insurance conglomerate, but do they belong on what’s arguably little old New Zealand’s national symbol? ‘No’ is the answer you’re looking for.

In fairness, I’m struggling to think of a sponsor the NZ ‘sporting’ ‘public’ would have been more accepting of. In my sportreview.net.nz fantasy land (a magical place where work never gets in the way of sitting around watching sport and sleeping, and couches are made of pies), the All Blacks run out with the Four Square guy on their chests, and not a fucked up Dick Frizzell one either. Somehow though, I doubt that friendly grocer could match AIG’s financial muscle.

Hadyn commissioned the below poorly photoshopped contribution to his black jersey rant at Public Address.

 

 

 

Reading list: Lance Armstrong

Reaction to USDA release
Lance Armstrong’s team ‘ran most sophisticated doping programme ever’ [Guardian] “”I was in the doghouse and… the only way forward with Armstrong’s team was to get fully on Dr Ferrari’s doping program,” said Vande Velde.”

Lance Armstrong: doping denials flushed away in Usada’s flood of detail [Guardian] “Vaughters says that Armstrong complained to him that (teammate) Celaya was much too conservative with the use of doping products.”

Details of Doping Scheme Paint Armstrong as Leader [New York Times] “Zabriskie, a five-time national time-trial champion, recalled serenading Johan Bruyneel, the longtime team manager, with a song about EPO, to the tune of Jimi Hendrix’s ‘Purple Haze’. “EPO all in my veins; Lately things just don’t seem the same; Actin’ funny, but I don’t know why; ’Scuse me while I pass this guy.”

Dark Turn in the Tale of a First Title [New York Times] Just before the 1999 Tour de France, a teammate pointed out that Lance Armstrong had a bruise on his upper arm caused by a syringe. According to a doping investigation, Armstrong cursed and said, “That’s not good.”

How Armstrong Beat Cycling’s Drug Tests [New York Times] “The most conventional way that the U.S. Postal riders beat what little out-of-competition testing there was, was to simply use their wits to avoid the testers,” the report concluded.

George Hincapie’s confession will hurt Lance Armstrong the most [The Independant] “Hincapie had already retired at the end of this season, but his confession is a bombshell that isolates Armstrong in his insistence of innocence to a point which is almost pitiful.”

INTERVIEW-Cycling-Perception will take time to change-Vaughters [Yahoo! News]


Raw data

The 200-page USDA ruling in full.

Infographic: Top Finishers of the Tour de France Tainted by Doping [New York Times]

A review of The Secret Race [Red Kite Prayer]


Flashback

Big interview: Donald McRae meets Lance Armstrong [Guardian, 2008]

Lance Armstrong Rides Again [Vanity Fair, 2008]

Say It Ain’t So, Lance [The New Yorker, 2011]

The Long Ride [The New Yorker, 2002]


If all this is too depressing

Some hipster-fixie types travel to Austin to ride with Lance

Usain Bolt to do that Usain Bolt shit in New Zealand

NEWSDESK: Multiple Olympic gold medal winner Usain Bolt is set to do that Usain Bolt shit in New Zealand. After touching down, Bolt threw a few Hulk Hogan poses in the customs queue, was ushered into the airport lobby where he fingerbanged several photographers, before being ushered quickly away by minders.

Bolt was unavailable for verbal experiences with media, but sponsors representative Heady Sunglasses told reporters Bolt was going to “You know, do that pose and potentially some other contractually approved complicated hand signals, which New Zealanders can experience on the news, or speeding past in a people mover.

“Kiwi kids seeing Usain Bolt do Usain Bolt shit here for the 3 hours and 45 minutes he spends in New Zealand could inspire a generation.”

Campbell Live viewers can watch John ask Bolt what he thinks of New Zealand at 7pm tonight.

Public enemy number one

The biggest villain in NZ sport isn’t Eden Park hot dogs or Stephen Jones’ Twitter account. Not since we turned on that stupid Tiger Woods for the way he treated the always-cheerful Stevie Williams has NZ been as united in its scorn for an athlete. Office prophets of doom around the country who’d put the boot into Adams like they were starting a troublesome motorcycle, immediately got in behind Adams and turned their scorn-lasers on Ostapchuk.

sportreview.net.nz guide to things Kiwis have compared Nadzeya Ostapchuk to:

 
 Spinal Tap’s Nigel Tufnel (h/t Public Address)
 
 A very masculine man.
 
 A fridge / freezer unit.

The situation now is that Ostapchuk has gone totally troppo in Belarus, refusing to hand over the medal and alleging Adams is ‘totally’ on drugs. NZ’s sporting media were quick to move from their previous ‘reporting the news’ responsibilities to ‘defending Valerie’s honour’ responsibilities, labelling the accusations a ‘pack of lies’ and labelling Ostapchuk ‘troppo’ so that Adams didn’t have to. Adams’ ‘4 more yrs lol’ texts to Ostapchuk went largely unreported.

In the national game, Steve ‘sleepy’ Hansen faced off against Robbie ‘no mates’ Deans for the first time in the opening Bledisloe. Deans is as popular as jandal snot in Australia for his coaching ‘record’ in Australia, making a list of All Blacks Australians love to hate. In fairness to Robbie, ‘rugby public hating the national coach’ has always been a key factor in New Zealand rugby, so he appears to be on the right track. On Saturday’s performance, Deans has lured the rusty All Blacks into a false sense of security of full blanket, milo and Coro levels. If Robbie was hoping to turn the tables on NZ at world cup time, he obviously missed the memo that tournament took place last year, and you have to question the advice he’s getting.