YouTube yourself away

If you haven’t checked out YouTube, well that’s valuable farking around time you’re never getting back, my friend. It’s kind of like Napster when it was free and good and unencumbered by all that pesky ‘copyright’ carry on. Basically it’s easy to upload videos for the world to laugh at, so you can find anything and everything. Bill Simmons, the brilliant US sports writer made a list of his best bits, so I’ve decided to pinch his idea.

Rugby highlights go up very quickly, so if you missed the match or your memory was mysteriously wiped by that box of whatever was on special at the supermarket, you can re-live Jerry sorting out George Smith’s dreads, or Ali Williams dumping Gregan from a couple of stories over and over again. And here’s a good compilation of recent All Blacks tries in one neat package.

Of course there’s loads of football – like the original Panekla penalty, the stuttering dummy one that Zidane did in the World Cup final, and then a reason to remember Zidane apart from the headbutt. You’ll find loads of Premiership fan footage, so you only need spit on yourself and stand in horse shit for an authentic UK matchday experience. I had no trouble finding my favorite goal ever – the angle he gets is just beautiful, you couldn’t do better with string and protractor.

Not The Nine O’Clock News do John McEnroe and get it just right – and compare it with the real thing. What ever you’re into there’s something for you – so get in there before it goes legit. I have my non-sports / children’s TV ones here, here’s the Kelly song, and there’s even fun at the expense of the Aussies – everyone can enjoy that.

What’s wrong with Radio Sport?

Have you LISTENED to it lately? Fresh back from my OE in 2001, I was very excited to learn there was a dedicated sports radio station – “They even play the sports news first on the hour!” Yes, you could listen to Cricket commentary alright, but it promised a whole new world of sports talk, led by Martin Devlin in the mornings. Informed, opinionated, quick witted, he was passionate about NZ sport, obsessed with Man United, and didn’t take any shit. He rightly hauled Kevin Roberts (or ‘KR’) over the coals for saying winning the Tri Nations was more important than the World Cup for All Blacks fans. That’s the kind of utter shit the Rugby Union expects us to believe, and I loved hearing someone actually calling them on it. The first nail in Radio Sport’s coffin was when Devlin left to do Radio LIVE, and hang out with Mike King full time.

The rest of the day’s programming was very listenable. Brendan Telfer did his cantankerous bit in the mornings, using his no doubt extensive contacts book to get some thoughtful interviews, and I enjoyed the golf show, with tips from a dry as a bone golf pro, along with ‘JK’ of the driving ranges getting off his death bed to contribute. Afternoons was Graham Hill, a very clever guy and my favorite BFM breakfast DJ ever. He’d present thoughtful interviews and nostalgia with some big names of the past, which was great radio. Where the station fell down was talkback.

Talkback is cheap for radio stations to do (which is why there’s so much of it*), but for me, it was like sitting in the car with that bloke who sits silently through All Black tests until someone drops the ball, then pipes up with “WELL THAT WAS SHIT!”. Yeah, THAT bloke. Whinge feckin’ Central, where rumours and misinformation spread like wildfire. It got old really quickly, and before long I was working and couldn’t listen to the radio all day, so Radio Sport was relegated in favour of BFM in the car.

I’ve tuned in a little again lately, and it turns out those were the good old days. The unfeasibly fast talking Tony Vietch is the boofhead’s boofhead. Sexism reigns supreme, and his laddish references to his nights out on the pull and whatever else comes across as insulting, annoying and just plain irrelevant to a sports show. Charming Aussie Matt Gunn (whose favourite meal is ‘any wog dish’) scores very highly in the dickhead stakes, too. Talkback has got even worse due to a lack of callers bothering to ring anymore, forcing the hosts to adopt more and more ludicrous ‘points of view’ to get a reaction. It’s desperate stuff, and dumbed down radio at its worst. It must be a lot of work to fill all that on air time – I don’t envy them at all. Can I suggest:

How to save Radio Sport:
1. Hire Leigh Hart to do Breakfast. Actually no, he’d be dumbed down by the hopelessness of it all, and I couldn’t handle that.
2. Get regular caller ‘Zane’ to host night time talkback. He’s on every night anyway showing the hosts up with his well prepared and thoughtful calls, so why not let the inmate take over the asylum?
3. Eliminate the sexist bullshit. It’s offensive, and pandering to some radioguy’s imaginary ‘Kiwi Bloke’ demographic is insulting to us kiwi blokes, let alone everyone else. We’ve all got mothers and sisters, you know. Why not get more women on, while you’re at it?
4. I’m all out of ideas. Judging by the extremely high repeatition of commercials, advertisers can’t be bothered either, so all this might not be a problem for much longer.

*Marcus Lush appears on Radio LIVE ads saying ‘Talkback radio is the only true artform, cos it’s made purely of people’s ideas’. Marcus, if you took the world’s stupidest person and hit him with the Stupid Stick for three weeks before driving him off Mt St. Stupid in the Stupidmobile while wearing the Stupid suit, you couldn’t make him say something that stupid. Honestly.

World Cup wrap up

Yeah yeah I’m crap at blogging – here’s a roundup of the World Cup, (ahem) now we have some perspective.

England
No progress since Erickson took over – streetwise Scolari had it all over Sven again, but with respect to big Phil, Sven outwitted himself. Walcott was a smokescreen, good for one press conference back before we started, while Lennon was criminally underused. What a shame, England had some great players that would have been better off by:

1. Having no coach – Italia ’90 Semifinalists England got together and approached Robson with the system they wanted to play – this England team should have done the same. Surely Lampard and Gerrard could have worked it better (Lampard might have even dropped himself he says hopefully). They couldn’t have done worse.

2. Making Rooney spend alternate weeks kipping on Michael Owen and Gary Lineker’s couches. Make him eat, drink, help out in the garden and play golf and snooker with them. It’s a fate worse than death, but the little twat deserves it, and it should bore some sense into him.

3-6. Dropping Beckham.

Now England need a coach who’s willing to take some chances and play the youngsters – that MIGHT be McClaren, but he’s just doesn’t inspire confidence. They need Klinsmann. I’m just kind of dismayed at how they played, what a waste, the best atmosphere in the pub was for England matches – until the games actually started. A Guardian journo summed it up when picking one word to describe England’s effort – Kournikova. I’d have just said Boring.

Best game
It has to be Germany v Italy, doesn’t it? France v Brazil was close, that was when Zidane actually played like he used to. Croatia v Australia had comedy goalkeeping, gleeful violence and a rainbow of cards, along with Harry Kewell’s redemption – what more can you ask for? Portugal v Holland scored well on the violence front too, while Mexico v Argentina was a minor classic if only for Mexico’s coach going through nicotine withdrawal under Germany’s smoke-free stadium policy. Italy v Germany, though, was end to end attacking football galore, with a finish reminiscent of Man U’s Champions League win – fantastic, schoolboy’s own stuff. The Italians REALLY didn’t want to go to penalties, did they?

My Fantasy Team
I’m not doing a ‘team of the World Cup’, just one I think would be fun to watch.

Strikers – Ronaldo, Rooney

Free role – Riquelme

Midfield – Zambrotta, Pirlo, Gerrard

Wing backs – Grosso, that German left back

Centre backs – Cannavaro, Terry

Keeper with dodgy V-neck thing – Buffon

I really liked Riqueleme – a class act, and he looked miserable the whole time, like a proper genius should. Him and Pirlo in the same midfield should keep things ticking over, and provide some great balls to fat boy and Rooney, who can of course create the odd chance himself. Wingers? Bah, you can never have enough Creative Midfielders, I say.

And I just like Ronaldo, OK?.

So that’s another thoroughly enjoyable trip to Football Wonderland over, with the usual sleep deprived, baggy eyed, ‘if it’s ‘Thursday it must be Argentina’ kind of Zombie existence for the month, so mission accomplished. It doesn’t get any easier to do the late nights as I get on though, and South Africa 2010 will be just as hard I reckon. Bring it on.

World Cup – my Heart Of Darkness

I’m going up the river… Today was tough. England v Ecuador. 3am. 3 A-fucking-M! If that’s not enough to make sleep seem as distant as that wicked pencil case you lost under the bed in 1979, there’s always Portugal v Holland straight after at 7am. 7 A-fucking-M after a 3 A-fucking-M is tough, but someone’s got too do it, and that’s what I’m here for.

Catching games has become a bit of an art, (pub for breakfast then a mad dash to work trying not to look guilty walking in, starting drinking only at 11.00pm for those 1amers at the pub, and the faithful couch for 3amers). It’s totally worth it, a World Cup is football fans’ big fuck off burger with everything on it. There’s no Bolton v WBA on a wet Tuesday night here, just the schoolboyish delight of watching the world’s best in thrilling dramas (Argentina v Mexico), or kicking lumps out of each other (Portugal v Holland, any Australia match).

Yes, the Aussies. Much as I love our Transtasman Cousins (this phase is (C)my Mum), I can’t get really get behind them. Admire, yes. Be a little jealous, well too right, but support? No way, they’re like Wimbledon in the 80’s, almost like bunch of AFLers or Leaguies in football boots. Fair play though, they’ve shown more heart than most, with great composure to come back twice against Croatia. The Aussies are tough to beat at any sport, and it’s great to see their support at home and away. I’d steer clear of any Walkabouts though.

So what’s coming up? Aussie v Italy tomorrow night (heart says Fosters, head says Chianti), and then we’re into the quarters, with Argentina v Germany as mouthwatering as bacon on bacon with bacon, then England v Portugal amongst others, can’t wait.

My sleep pattern says thank God there’s only a couple more weeks, but the boy in me wants this all the time. The horror, the horror.

Auckland’s pubs line up for the World Cup

– Bluestone Room it was for England v Sweden at 7am. After negociating Auckland’s parking spots, we were in for 6.50am to order a ‘Beckham Big Breakfast’, an ‘Ericsson 4-4-2 omelet’, and a bottomless cup of warm brown liquid proffered under the description ‘coffee’. It was halftime before I saw my food, but otherwise they did an OK job, and no dodgy DJs at this hour. It’s fascinating to see people’s approach for these early games, from important looking guys in suits drinking pints, to backpacker types drinking pints like it was 7 in the evening. It’s hardly the town square in Hamburg, but it’s nice to watch with a crowd.
– This morning I got a text at 2.30am from a dodgy England fan in The Paddington, telling me he was tucking into his first Stella. Apparently there were 150 people there drinking piss at 3.00am of a Monday, and the atmosphere was electric. That is good action, and looks to be the nominated venue for England v Portugal – but I’ve got my own football to play the next day! Our forefathers died in the war so we can have these dilemmas.

World Cup bullet points 160606

– I thought England weren’t too bad. At least they were creating chances. Lennon looks the business, and the midfield all had good games, even though Lampard has forgotten how to score. They’re only just getting started, they’ll beat Sweden I reckon.
– World Cup Badgers – test YOUR stupidity threshold (5-0 for me)
– World Cup Mp3s – That Brazilian song and three England ones. Word In Motion is the undisputed champ of World Cup themes, bringing Manc gods New Order and the Italia ’90 squad together at last. John Barnes is a surprisingly def MC – track down the CD single for added footballer rapping, including the brush-like Gazza. Vindaloo is ideal for singing loud in quiet streets coming home from the pub.
– This guy has Mp3s from every team for every match. Ambitious.
– As usual, The Onion gets it just right.
– I have 81 points, and ranked in position 20,631 out of 40,476 players in this. Crap, in other words, so no surprises there.

WC bullet points 120606

– Three points for Sven, but not much else. Fit strikers are a novelty in the England squad, let’s hope Crouch starts banging them in. Beckham seems to like the new dippy swervy ball, but it’s hard to see goals coming from open play.
– Big guns Holland, Argentina, Portugal, Germany and England all win, but no-one’s very happy – it’s the opening game – no-one but Brazil can dazzle all the away through.
– Rooney injured Walcott in training – that’s not quite as hardcore as All Black fights at training, but it’s encouraging – apparantly he clatters his team mates at Man U as well.
– The Guardian’s podcasts are excellent – you get to hear Barry Glenderring, the Irishman behind their anarchic live updates. Baddiel and Skinner are doing some too. Podcasts are the shit.
– Best coverage (by best I mean most personality) is on the Guardian’s site of course.
– We watched it at the Bluestone Room – they had an interesting DJ, who was openly booed for playing lamo ‘Eng-ger-land’ techno over the national anthems. Did he think we’d all get glowsticks out and have a spontaneous rave? Dick. Fantastic big screen selection upstairs and a pretty reasonable crowd.
– Better not be any power cuts during this WC eh.

WC bullet points

We’re almost there – couple of quick ones
– I’ve joined the TVNZ tipping comp. My name is ‘richirvine73’ on there if you fancy adding an easybeat to your list.
– Bluestone Room in Durham Lane looks to be the England-watching venue for Saturday night. I’ll be down there in me Yids shirt if you fancy having beer spilled on you.
– Football tops on parade in the office today – 1 Yids (me), 1 England, 1 Ronaldo tee-shirt, one general ‘soccer’ effort. A woeful turnout, GET INVOLVED PEOPLE!
– Are you excited yet? Have fun safely everyone.

Top three World Cup Trade Me scams

We all love Trade Me, and the entrepreneurial spirit being shown in World Cup countdown is something else. Here’s my top three.


3. Fake England Top. This is how a fake football top should be made. Itchy, shiny material? Check. Stunning similarity to Poland’s 1974 away kit? Check. A flag drawn-on in vivid marker where the badge should be? Check, and of course it bears no resemblance to the official one.

2. Soccer World Cup 2006 Germany Sweepstake Kit. Fire up PowerPoint, google up some flags, design a draw and you’re away. I quote: “thoroughly and professionally prepared sweepstake kit” – spellcheck on team bios not included. If you Buy Now, he’ll just email you the word doc. This has to be some kid’s school project, or Sam Morgan’s.


1. I Am A Soccer Nut! A Walnut with eyes glued on it, nailed to a stick. Genius. Bidding is already up to $10.50, get in quick, team.