Category: rugby

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I’ve often been tempted to keep notes on stupid things commentators say, but I always thought shooting fish in barrels was kind of sadistic.

Mark Nichols, the plummy English guy that’s somehow got onto on the Channel 9 team is pretty up there at the moment (“Out! Out! Out!”), as well as any English football commentator whose name isn’t Martin Tyler.

This is typical: “Well, Southampton v Everton here on this freezing Tuesday night in December is proving to be a white knuckle ride of a lifetime, proving once again that the Barclays’ English Premier League is undoubtedly the best league in the world, ever. And if you don’t agree you’re obviously a retard”. “Yes, I’ve just pissed myself in the excitement of it all, Brian”.

But NZ’s own Keith Quinn pulled one out of the bag during the Wellington Sevens, during one of those interminable ‘let’s pan around that crowd! Blimey, they’re all dressed up, fancy that!’ moments. The camera lingered on a blonde woman wearing a skimpy ‘Hooters’ singlet (leaving little to the imagination) talking on her mobile phone, and the doyen of NZ rugby commentary chipped in with:

“I wonder who’s on the other end of that call.
Some lucky.
Person.”

Brilliant.

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What a disappointment. The good feeling created after the carisbrook test (or just the first half) has disappeared, and the NZ public is back in a familiar position – on the backs of the coach. The of the backline formation that put Carlos Spencer, the best player in space in the world in the middle of a traffic jam has to be questioned, and the forward power that promised so much has limply disappeared.

We were out-smarted in Sydney and out-muscled in Johannesburg, and we’re calling from changes, but who is going to replace the men we have? There are one or two who may be past their used by date (it really does look like curtains for poor old Justin Marshall), but remember that we have McCaw and Robinson to return, to bolster the pack, and we still have largely the same backline that ran riot through last year’s Tri Nations. The league style backline might have to go, and a long term option at first five found, but remember that now is the time to be experimenting – not in France in three year’s time.

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We can breathe a little easier with the Bledisloe already won, but Saturday night gives the All Blacks the chance to wrap up the Tri Nations, complete the clean sweep over Australia, answer the backline critics, and put on a show at Rugby’s greatest stage.

The team is unbeaten this year, having survived some enourmous pressure in conditions that have not suited the new backline formation, especially in the last two games. If we’re sick to death of talking about the flat formation, I’d guess the team is even more so. They will want to prove that thier tactics are the right ones, and now they have the dry track to show what they can do.

I think the Aussies will struggle to contain the black pack, bolstered by the return of Jonno Gibbes, who have done the hard work this year with style and considerable steel. Let’s hope the backs can match thier efforts, and create some memories of this massive fixture we’ll enjoy remembering for a change.

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Six tests in 2004, six wins, including two against the world champions, one each over Australia and South Africa, and the Bledisloe cup safely tucked away for another year – all is well in our rugby loving land, right?

No. With a week off while Australia and South Africa played, the debate has raged about the flat back line, and the potential disaster, pestilence and woe we face by persisting with it.

Blame France. A certain world cup semi final played out in 1999 changed rugby watching in New Zealand forever. We got carried away by the painted jet, the flash new Adidas kit, and the master stroke of including Lomu, Cullen, Wilson AND Umaga in the team at once… until ten minutes into the second half. No-one wants to be caught out like that again, so as a nation we prepare for potential soul crushing disappointment by watching the All Blacks like hawks, trying to detect weakness no matter what the results are.

If you’re confused by this, but would like to join in, try slipping these phases into your rugby debates:

1. “We need a few changes in that backline, that’s for bloody sure. Pack of girls”

2. “The Aussies are bloody good. Their backs will run all around us, it’ll be a cricket score if we’re not careful”

3. “Finally we get some mongrel in the pack, and the backs fall to bits – bloody hopeless”

4. “Carlos can’t tackle”

5. “Umaga can’t release his outsides”

6. “Marshall? Don’t even get me started”

7. “The sky is falling! The sky is falling!” etc etc etc

Now relax, and smugly start picking the next All Black coach. Helen is just lucky the election has fallen in between world cups this time.

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Jonah arrived as perhaps the ultimate rugby player – big, fast, strong, a mountain of a winger who could just as easily run over the top of you as step you. Then he got worked out, his defensive lapses becoming more and more glaring, and the knockers started on him. Lomu’s copped some of the most heated criticism of any NZ sportsperson in recent years, because he never really lived up to the potential we had him marked out for after the 1995 world cup. Apart from the odd moment of magic (Twickenham 1999, Telstra stadium 2000), he wasn’t really the same.

Jonah speaks frequently of his burning desire to play in black, but surely he would have been smarter to give the game up altogether while getting his health to 100%. His advisors, family, team mates and coaches should never have let him continue while his health wasn’t right, and talk of a comeback is farcical.

Get well Jonah.

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