Category: news

Guy with ‘make Otago jersey green’ idea told “don’t have any more ideas”

NEWSDESK: Otago Highlanders marketing exec Steve ‘Steve’ Landrover, who conceptualised changing the famous blue, gold and maroon colours to green, has been instructed to not have any more ideas.

Landrover, who believes Highlanders management “aren’t seeing the bigger picture,” said “I triangulated this opportunity for literally hours. HOURS. When you factor in the synergies between rugby – which is played on grass, and grass – which is green, it’s obvious.”

When told about the new green playing strip, which is launching this Friday, Highlanders Chairman Ross Laidlaw commented “fucking WHAT?” before refusing to comment. Otago salwart Laurie Mains is outraged, telling reporters “It’s fair to say I’m outraged – I don’t even know how outraged I am to be honest, but I’m sure it’s going to be pretty fucking outraged. I’ll figure it out and get back to you,” before hurrumphing weightily several times.

Landrover’s plans for ‘Bring A Flaming Couch, Get In Half Price’, ‘Buy One Beer, Get 14 Free’ and ‘Kids Get Pinecones Covered In Cow Shit day’ promotions have been shelved at this stage.

Parore scales Everest, still a twat

NEWSDESK: Former Black Cap and woman’s magazine regular Adam Parore remains a twat, despite climbing Mt Everest.

Parore, who once referred to himself as a brand, completed the 8848m ascent on Friday, no doubt thinking all the while about getting back to his trim decaf Lattés and Range Rover he left double parked on Ponsonby Road.

“My goals have always been to criticise Jesse Ryder’s weight in the national press and climb Everest, so it’s great to have knocked those bastards off,” said Parore, from the Kathmandu airport Koru Lounge.

Former All Black available for out-of-touch opinion on pretty much anything

NEWSDESK: Barry Shovel, a half back capped six times for the All Blacks between 1967 and 1978 is not short of an opinion. Ask him about any issue of the day and he’ll give you both barrels and six sprigs down your back. Which is why journalists have been beating a path to his Te Waibotherau sheep farm gate, or the bowls club if it’s after half eleven.

“If there’s one thing wrong with this country, people are afraid to call a spade a spade,” said Shovel. “Back in my day, a man didn’t need a bloody car phone or America’s Cup yacht to have an opinion. It’s still a free country, despite what those woofters up in Wellington reckon – I call it how I see it, and if you don’t like it you can stick it in your tractor, get it up to 80kph, smash it into the pub and die in a flaming fireball. Or something.”

“Shovel has fast become the New Zealand sporting media’s go-to political correctness gone mad quote source,” said Media Expert Brian Sanctimonious. “His ability to churn out cantankerous, ill informed, traditional-values-based, borderline racist moralising sound bites is an easy way to confirm the journalist’s original hypothesis and fill three to eight seconds.” Some of Shovel’s most prominent quotes include:

“Adidas needs a high tech punch punch in the face” – High tech panels to be sewn to the front of the All Blacks’ jerseys

“If Fitzy needs a Hydatids shot, he knows where to find me” – Springbok prop Johan La Roux bites Sean Fitzpatrick on the ear

“It’s touch rugby’s fault” – NZ’s 2007 quarter final defeat to France

“It’s got Helen Clark written all over it” – Proposed red fern on All Black jersey to commemorate Christchurch earthquake

Recently, Shovel has branched out into broader social commentary, telling NewsTalk ZB’s Larry Williams “Next thing you know, they’ll make it illegal to drink and drive,” in a piece about the left hand turn rule review.

International athletes vote Wellington ‘best city to lose your match in’

NEWSDESK: International athletes have voted Wellington the best city in the world to lose their match in, according to a UK website. “Whether an athlete wants to weep quietly in the back row at World Of Wearable Arts, a radical Tana-style haircut on Cuba Street or a fight down Courtney Place, Wellington offers something for everyone,” said Babs Eyewear of travelgrumble.co.uk.

Second place sporting loser city Birmingham labeled Wellington’s rugby sevens event a ‘loser festival’, and the manner in which the whole city embraced loserdom for two days as ‘unseemly’, but this was batted away by former mayor Kerry Prendergast. “This is Hurricanes town, we don’t need to import losers. The fact of the matter is losers feel loved in the capital, we’re confident a peanut butter milkshake can wipe away any tears.”

New Zealand sporting greats Martin Crowe and Todd Blackadder have backed Wellington as a town for losers. “I Got Over Missing Out On A Triple Century At The Basin With A Quick Trip To Kelburn On The Cable Car. Walking Alone Around The Botanic Gardens Gave Me Time To… Think. Just Think.” Former All Blacks captain Todd Blackadder revealed that Al Brown took him fishing for Pilchard after John Eales got that fucking kick in 2000: “They’re very underrated eating,” said Blackadder.

NZRFU clears Andrew Hore to fight in Taranaki pub

NEWSDESK: All Black hooker Andrew Hore has been given permission by the NZRFU to participate in one or more fights in or around his local hotel The Drencher’s Arms over the Christmas / New Year period. Hore, who has a record of 23 and 18 in bouts where security staff did not intervene, told reporters he was “excited by the challenge” and “ready to punch snot out of some wanker.”

While his opponent is likely to be identified only at the very last minute, Hore has expressed his preference to fight someone from Auckland. The undercard features super rugby mascot Captain Hurricane versus 20 lucky schoolchildren, and Tim ‘Skinny ‘ Clearasil’s yard glass attempt.

Chappell v Botham fight pathetic – eyewitnesses

NEWSDESK: Eyewitnesses said last night’s square off between ex-international cricketers Ian Botham and Ian Chappell was “a real let-down” and “gravely embarrassing” for both participants. Chappell, 67, reportedly sparked the fracas by insulting Botham, 55, in the Adelaide Oval carpark at the close of day’s play. “All I could hear was panting. I actually feared for my hearing,” said a bystander. “Two  out of shape slugs having it out over a piece of lettuce would have been a more absorbing spectacle.”

Botham and Chappell last came to blows during an Ashes series in 1977, when both men were far more accustomed to physical exertion. “I wish I’d seen that one,” said a car park attendant. “Chappell had a lot of anger, but not much stamina. He just kind of fell over after a few seconds. At one stage Botham threatened him with some chutney he had in his man bag. Chutney. It’s a fight, not a feckin cheese board.”

Eden Park ill-prepared for large crowds of people

NEWSDESK: The unrest at Saturday evening’s twin Rugby League  internationals highlighted Eden Park’s unsuitability for hosting large groups of people observing sporting events. “Our re-development was designed with Auckland NPC matches, test cricket or ACT party rallies in mind. We’re talking 12 or 13 people, max,” said Steve Commodore-Lease, a spokesman for Eden Park. “Next thing we know, there’s farkin thousands of League fans showing  up on Saturday night. Lucky we’d installed, like, seats in those big buildings.”

Eden Park’s research tells them they could be placed in a similar situation for the ‘Rugby World Cup’, to held in 2011. “We knew something was up when they started building a train station next door, we were all ‘Waaaaait a minute.’ We’ll compare notes with Christchurch’s AMI Stadium, they’re  hugely experienced in hosting unpopular sporting events,” said Mr Commodore-Lease.

Steve Hansen clocked driving 31kph under speed limit; dodges ticket

NEWSDESK: All Blacks assistant coach Steve Hansen was apprehended after a leisurely vehicle pursuit along Cashel Street in Christchurch at Labour weekend. The radar gun recorded his speed at just 19kph in a 50kph zone, but Hansen was not issued an infringement notice.

“Of course I let him off – he’s with the ABs. And a Mason,” said arresting officer Dane Handlebar. “Still, though. What a fucking nana.” Hansen’s treatment is consistent with that one time Grizz Wylie was found asleep at the wheel in the Shirley clubrooms carpark and was offered a taxi chit and Chocolate Primo by police.

Delhi officials concede Otago scarfie interior design firm were poor choice

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NEWSDESK: Commonwealth Games officials have admitted contracting Otago University student interior design firm Yardglass, Cistern and Crack to decorate Athlete’s Village may have been the wrong move. “I don’t know what kind of squalor these ‘students’ live in, but this is unholy. I can understand a few baked beans on a ceiling, but in every room? That growth I encountered in a lavatory is making it hard for me to sleep,” said Hon. Michael Fennell of the organising committee.

A spokesman for Yardglass, Cistern and Crack said the athlete’s village design was consistent with their earlier work. “We need a bit of perspective – no-one’s shat in anyone’s bed yet.” The spokesman pointed to several years experience decorating student flats in Dunedin with a 65% bond refund strike rate as well as innovations like astroturf carpeting, longdrop toilet conversions and a fridge in the lounge.

“Athletes bringing a synchronised swimmer back to their room may want to leave the light off, but that’s standard practice where we’re from.”

YC&C admitted cultural differences and the fact games officials thought their architectural model was something someone had spilled had lead to confusion, and promised emergency remedial work immediately. An engineer was later seen heading to the athlete’s village with an industrial roll of Glad Wrap.

Fresh concerns emerged last last night about a related Otago events management company’s plans for the opening ceremony titled ‘Slumdog 500’, involving a number of barely road worthy vehicles, drunk driving and civil unrest.

Cricket rocked by Healy fucking idiotic comment fix

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NEWSDESK: sportreview.net.nz can exclusively reveal that popular Channel Nine commentator Ian Healy has been taking large sums of cash in return for delivering fucking idiotic comments to order, so as to game the fucking idiotic comment spot gambling market.

A sportreview.net.nz reporter went undercover to meet Healy in his hotel. “He was keen to do a deal. He even demonstrated a few fucking idiotic comments in the room to show he could do the business. It could have just been him talking, but still… they were pretty idiotic.”

Healy outlined how it would work:

HEALY: “I’ll be in the booth just after the first drinks break. Richie’ll come on first crapping on about the score or something, then I’ll come in with something fucking idiotic.”

REPORTER: “How will we know it’s our comment?”

HEALY: “You’ll know, mate. You’ll know.”

Our reporter said “Healy delivered the goods – it was like clockwork. First thing out of his mouth was ‘Here comes Ricky Ponting, you can tell by his arm hair he’s got the freshest armpits in the game. That’s the mark of a true Aussie champion.’ We could’ve cleaned up at the bookie’s with that and fully got our money’s worth.” Healy went on to deliver two more fucking idiotic comments during that day’s play, causing his fellow commentators to remark on their idiocy at the time.

Healy’s Channel Nine colleagues were saddened that Healy has bought the fucking idiotic into disrepute: “This kind of fucking idiocy needs to be weeded out of the game, so we can get back to a more innocent, genuine kind of fucking idiocy,” said Bill Lawry.  When confronted with the allegations, Healy challenged our reporter to pick out the planted comments from his normal commentary: “Mate, just about everything I say is fucking idiotic – that goes for in the booth, and at home. That’s the mark of a true Aussie champion.”