Team, there’s going to be a FUCKING MASSIVE rugby tourna-meh-nt later this year. Why, here in Auckland, we’ve spent years preparing by arguing and leaving all the actual stadiums and railways and that exactly the same as they were. We’re set to showcase our nation’s ability to piss, moan, argue and leave everything ’til the last minute to the world.
Still, at least there’s rugby on to take our minds off all this rugby coming up. The SUPER 15 is happening RIGHT NOW, with an EXCITING new format seemingly designed to create unprecedented interest in googling exactly how the tournament works, ‘cos no-one’s got a shitting clue.
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The Super 15 tournament format (exec summary). |
We’re a few weeks into it now and three things have become clear:
1. Dan Carter is injured
2. Richie McCaw is injured
3. “Nurse, hand me my revolver. I’m going for a walk in the south stand. I may be some time.”
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That All Black injury crisis in full |
Alongside a punch in the nuts somehow leading to the remote going missing, injuries to Dan ‘n Richie in a world cup year are pretty much the nightmare scenario. Injuries to Woodcock, Jane, Smith, Thorn and Whitelock among others, not to mention Wayne Smith’s perm playing up means we’re in the middle of a full blown INJURY CRISIS, and will in all likelihood line up at the world cup with a container of mince and cheese pies past their expiry date at full back, Don Brash at first five and a forward pack made up of Shrek the sheep. Suddenly our strength in depth is looking positively Australian – let’s have a look at the teams:
Blues
It’s a far cry from the Blues teams of the 80s and 90s when they won shit and the coach changed facial expressions every so often. Still, they’re going well and Mealamu and Ranger have really impressed me. Ali Williams is fit-ish and well-ish, which makes me happy.
Chiefs
The Chiefs are like a box of chocolates that drank 16 beers, had a few spots, went into town, got in a fight, slept under a cop car, brushed their teeth with sausage rolls and only just made it to their cousin’s wedding with no time to shower and change clothes. You don’t know what you’re going to get. The thing we’ll remember about this season will probably be next season’s coaching appointment.
Hurricanes
Most disappointing thing for me is no-one’s tweeted anything really stupid yet. I mean, they’ve tweeted stupid stuff, but nothing that’s REEEEEEALY turned it all to custard and caused walk outs, trouble with the media team, etc. Rugby’s been worse than the tweeting, in case you hadn’t noticed.
Crusaders
Looking really good, from a ‘feckin Crusaders always bloody win everything, but at least they should go well for the All Blacks’ point of view (Highlanders game aside). Fair play to ’em.
Highlanders
Jamie Joseph is channelling Laurie Mains and running a tight, tight ship, tighter than Marc Ellis is to his sense of self-worth. I really like them, but it’s hard to see which individuals would make an All Blacks side, Mackintosh aside. Colin Slade has been very unlucky with his jaw.