A Mormon missionary stands at your door and enthuses about the Hong Kong Bledisloe match to establish rapport.
G’day my mate. How’s your saveloy situation?
No sir, I’m referring to Saturday night! You gotta stock up on snacks and beverages, ‘cos it’s big game night, amigo! We’re going head to head with the Aussies! At Rugby! Mate. I thought the Bledisloe couldn’t BE more extreme, but now they’ve taken it on the road to a Special Administrative Region of the People’s Republic of China.
Woah. That near-capacity crowd won’t know what hit em.
It’s gonna be huge – half of the Hong Kong crowd will paint their little faces black, half will be paintin’ ’em yellow, and the rest will be painting half black half yellow to show they don’t care who wins, they’re just stoked to be part of the global rugby family. And that they’ll only buy officially IRB endorsed merchandise.
Elder Zach said the match is a thinly veiled excuse for ex-pat backslapping, old school tie network deal making and a 72 hour wanton piss-up. I say look out for the Dan Carter air show – bam! It’s Sonny Bill Williams – tackle buster to the max! Can you handle Steve Hansen – getting freaky and outta control! There’s no stopping rugby in Asia – imagine Jackie Chan kung fu kicking off the scrum! Imagine eating egg foo young while taking in some serious oval ball code! Imagine going up against a ninja to claim the loose ball! Elder Zach’s going to owe the rugby union fellas a pretty big apology after this one -gimme five!
A Mormon missionary stands at your door and enthuses about an expanded Super 14 to establish rapport.
G’day my main mate.
Did you hear? 18 teams in the Super 14. No bull-pucky. You gotta hand it to the Rugby Union – there’s nothing can’t be made better with more teams and more games. Eh. That total entertainment package just got WAY more sick.
I mean, take the Super 12. I loved it. I LOVED IT! But a man soon got to thinking if, say, the Hurricanes could beat Perth. At Rugby. Or, how New South Wales would handle a composite team drawing its players from the Free State and Northern Cape Provinces. And whaddayaknow, SANZAR came to the party. Me and my buddies settled a few bets, lemme tell ya.
And the Tri-Nations? More games means more EXTREME. Yeah! Mate.
Look at Baseball, that’s like, 160 games a year. You could have a Super 160. Imagine the Hastings Razorbacks’ rush defence facing off with the Tamworth Rhinestones’ back row. Woah. Mate. Rugby Union in your face once again.
Back at the dorm, Elder Barry says a Super 18 is a poke in the eye of all right thinking Rugby fans, possibly the most moronic move ever, and it makes him want to start watching ‘poofball’, whatever that is.
I say – gimme five! Or gimme 18, if that was anatomically possible. Eh.
A Mormon missionary stands on your door step and talks you through the recent Chappell-Hadlee series to establish rapport. G’day my main mate.
Did you catch the big cricket games in the weekend, amigo? Lemme tell ya – I sucked back a few Banana Primos watching that one.
Matthew Hayden? The Aussie’s lead off guy? His hitting was SICK! In the time out I was all “there’s no way these Kiwis are coming back” man, they are lower than a punctured bike tyre, and but I was so wrong. I hadn’t been that excited since the last America’s Cup. Wait. No, I wasn’t excited about that. That sucked. Dang.
Craig MacMillian? He was TOTALLY in my face. Eh. How many homers did that guy hit? BAM! And Shane Bond, man, when he comes in with his fast ball me and the fellas at the dorm were too psyched. We we rockin’ man, you should have been there – Elder Zach had to come down to our room and at first he was all “You guys simmer down”, and we were all “No way Jose, this game’s going right to the bottom of the ninth, you gotta get down with the Cricket” and he was all like “Whoah – these Kiwis are kicking some SERIOUS hiney” and soon he was chugging on Banana Primos like he was one of the guys. We still took a lickin’ the next morning, but we were high on cricket, dude. And God.
Man, I can’t wait to tell the guys back in Salt Lake City about cricket, they show it on ESPN 5. Baseball? No-one’s gonna care dude, I’m a total wicket head now, I swear. Eh.