Cricket is all about WINNERS and LOSERS, and the pressure can do strange things to a man, as popular Kiwi cricket international Chris Cairns’ angry bowling face demonstrates. Before a game even gets started, one of the captains is branded a LOSER at the coin toss, and must trudge slowly back to the dressing room to receive a kick in the nuts from the twelfth man, which can severely hamper said captain’s performance in the field, or running between wickets, if he’s an opening batsman.

LOSER Black Caps captain Dan Vettori returns to the dressing room from another unsuccessful toss to be greeted by Chris Martin and Brendon McCullum.

And so, it seems, the current Black Caps are LOSERS, LOSING the first test to Pakistan in the most dramatic collapse since Tony Greig ran our of Werthers Originals in the commentary box. In their second innings, the Black Caps batsmen greeted new coach John Wright with a full bottle of spilt red wine all over the eggshell-colored shagpile welcome mat. Wright’s new Zealand team of the 80s was more mustachioed, and more used to WINNING than this failbucket – he must have been sorely tempted to instruct his white savior horse to just keep fucking going after that second innings performance.

Meanwhile, some Black Caps were becoming WINNERS in the IPL auctions. It’s unclear whether the auction distracted the team, but Vettori’s team talk arguably lost some of its impact when Ross Taylor lit a cigar with a wad of $100 dollar bills. I realise that a world where New Zealand’s pitifully performing cricketers have the readies to pimp their coffins, can laugh openly in the street at John Key’s piddly fortune and Danny Morrison can find gainful employment as a commentator is a sick one – but YOU can take action. Sportreview recommends printing hundreds of copies of the ‘Hanse’ edition greenback in color and showering our national team at matches, to remind them of the follies of filthy lucre.

Across the Tasman, England were the big WINNERS, shitting on the once proud and successful Australian team like they were a lowly airplane toilet seat. The 3-1 victory has already inspired a computer game, which sportreview has obtained a pirate copy of, and can exclusively reveal:

Strauss: “I say old chap, prepare to become my bitch, what.” Ponting: “Mate, I retired from international cricket years ago, the fuckers keep picking me.” Umpire: “WHAT’S THAT ON MY FACE?”

The blue arrows depict all the parts of the ground you can cart the feeble Australian attack to, if you can be arsed. Press ‘x’ to make bowler cry.

Clarke: “Guys! What the fuck’s going on? Where am I?”

Players must defeat the Pieterson-zilla boss to proceed to the next level…

…and can deploy the ‘Vettori’ powerup at any stage.

Hauritz: “It’s just like playing in the Ashes! I imagine.”

NEWSDESK: Eyewitnesses said last night’s square off between ex-international cricketers Ian Botham and Ian Chappell was “a real let-down” and “gravely embarrassing” for both participants. Chappell, 67, reportedly sparked the fracas by insulting Botham, 55, in the Adelaide Oval carpark at the close of day’s play. “All I could hear was panting. I actually feared for my hearing,” said a bystander. “Two  out of shape slugs having it out over a piece of lettuce would have been a more absorbing spectacle.”

Botham and Chappell last came to blows during an Ashes series in 1977, when both men were far more accustomed to physical exertion. “I wish I’d seen that one,” said a car park attendant. “Chappell had a lot of anger, but not much stamina. He just kind of fell over after a few seconds. At one stage Botham threatened him with some chutney he had in his man bag. Chutney. It’s a fight, not a feckin cheese board.”

Cricket With Balls’ Jarrod Kimber has written his second book – Ashes 2009: When Freddie Became Jesus (links to bookdepository.com, for free delivery for most of the world).

Mostly, there’s too much Cricket in Cricket books – if we wanted to read a match report, we’d dial up CricInfo, you know. JRod skillfully runs through each test session by session, but throws in just enough jokes, offensive language and base innuendo to make it compelling reading.

On the NPower promotional girls: “Guys trying to pick up promotional girls is about the saddest thing you can see, like Hotel Rwanda followed by a news report on buring puppies.”

On ‘Random’ Rudi Koertzen: “Sometimes I think  he gives himself extra time by raising his finger slowly just so he can surprise himself.”

For me, the book’s peak is around the Lord’s test, from the scene from the press box, to almost killing Richie Benaud using Swine Flu, to a hilarious conversation between Rudi Koertzen and Billy Bowden (Are you sure, or do we need to go upstairs, Billy? There are no stairs here, Rudi.), to the most sublime writing about mass vomit since Stand By Me.

It’s also the story of HIS Ashes, his first in England as a writer; what the series means to him, his impending wedding and going to the Oval with his family – this backstory makes the book richer, without getting all Nick Hornby about it.

It’s well documented that JRod’s mission to turn himself into a Proper Cricket Writer from a standing start impresses the fuck out of me – WFBJ is a big step up from his first book. Buy a copy now, so you can bore your kids about him when he’s editing Wisden or sticking his keys in a pitch on the telly. Highly recommended.

Cricket With Balls’ Jarrod Kimber has already given the world one book, and now he’s turned the 2009 Ashes series into another – Ashes 2009: When Freddie Became Jesus.

Jarrod is well on his way to achieving his goal of being a Proper Cricket Writer. Obviously he’s writing about Cricket now, and bringing more filthy language and sex to the old game than an Ian Botham trip around the West Indies, but the thing I admire (as I’ve covered before) is that he’s fucking out there doing it. He’s moved halfway around the world to live in London, covered the Ashes from the couch, the grounds and the press box in fine style on the site, and he now has book on Amazon only a couple of months after stumps were drawn.

That’s good going. Here’s an excerpt. The Black Caps’ favorite blogger and premature retiree Ian O’Brien even gets to write a bit. You should really buy one.

via Cricket With Balls

Here’s a quite magnificent Ashes history to bring you up to speed.