SRNZPA: IRB top brass moved moved swiftly to stamp down on the early RWC backline flair and skill, fast-tracking new laws that ban flair altogether. “Rugby Union is scrums, dropgoals, stern reprimands from the ref and dirty songs on the bus ride home” said IRB chairman Dr Syd Millar. “This backline jiggery-pokery belongs in the 70’s. It’s as unacceptable in this day and age as wearing sideboards down to your jaw, or being Welsh.”
Extra emergency law 6.09, paragraph 3, which comes into effect immediately, reads: ‘Ball emerging from scrum, line out or ruck must be A. kicked out or B. proceed in an orderly manner from fly half to inside centre, outside centre, then possibly a winger, in that order. The full back must not get involved under any circumstance.’
“Referees will be on the lookout for side steps, wipers kicks, or forwards carrying the ball further than 5 metres” said RWC head referee Paddy O’Brain. “For example, Jerry Collins’ chip ahead against Italy would have earned him ten in the bin, not five points.”
William O’Shanter of the Morning Empire welcomed the IRB’s bold move. “You didn’t see England 2003 fart-arseing about with cut out passes, double arounds or dummy runners, did you? The Twickenham faithful simply won’t stand for bloody colonials running around our chaps. They must enter the fray and let the claret flow. Or something.”
New Zealand Rugby analyst Stu Wilson was quick to wade into the the debate, saying “Well fark. Ireland. The Irish. Big drinkers. Big, big drinkers. Don’t tell me about Dublin pubs. I know, mate. Shiiiiiiiiit. ’78 grand slam tour. Say no more. What was the question again?”
SRNZPA: Having hailed the first lineout, scrum, points, penalty and knock-on of Rugby World Cup 2007, popular TV3 ‘Rugby’ ‘Editor’ Hamish MacKay was quick to salute the 23rd minute snot torrent produced by Argentinian loose-head prop Rodrigo Roncero in Friday’s tournament opener:
“Well hello sailor! The big man’s stepped up to the plate and blown one right out of the park! Watch the replay Grant Fox… one nostril… now two… He’s electrified this big crowd with a bit of the old nozzle-razzle-dazzle. You played with some of the great snot-showmen over the years Foxy, in fact we’ve got one sitting to the left now, AJ Whetton…” This was followed by a prolonged period of dead air with barely audible muffled thuds.
For years, we’ve wondered “Who’s that f%$&*@!* dork waving behind David Kirk at the ’87 World Cup?” Campbell Live tracked him down last night – turns out he’s an injured US Rugby player who was busy sponging off the Whetton twins and their Mum for the duration of the tournament, eating them out of house and home no doubt. He’s quite a laugh, though, and has this for those sick of seeing him: “All you have to do is win another World Cup, and you’ll never see me again!”. Har, fair enough I suppose.