Australian Open
I thoroughly enjoyed this year’s Australian Open. The January evening matches are perfect for us Kiwis to loll around in front of with a beer and full stomach, in the heat. The top four men making the semi finals meant the ‘epic-ometer’ was going off, and the cringe-inducing Aussie commentry team had to draw even deeper from the hyperbole well than ever.

Andy Murray must be kicking himself very hard indeed – Djokovic looked like he was going cold turkey on a 3 year heroin habit midway through their semi final, but still managed to deny the Scot. Murray must be slowly coming to terms with the prospect that nothing good is likely to happen for him, tennis-wise, ever. Federer had moments in his semi final when he looked like he’d ballet-step all the way to collect the trophy, but he just can’t sustain it over a whole match these days. He’s still obviously the best at hitting a tennis ball in the game, but he’s no longer the best at winning tennis matches.

The final, however, was more gripping and harrowing (not to mention longer) than a ‘watch the Downton Abbey box set and Christmas special’ party. Nadal is still a class act, but Djokovic is my favourite. From his wild eyes, to his stumbling exhaustion, to his scarily-competitive-looking girlfriend and the guy in his entourage who wears sunglasses at night, he has it all. The Serb is a champion I can get behind.

Links: here’s an incredible ball boy catch and the fantastic In Focus photo blog covering the tournament.

Nelsen to Spurs
Somehow, we have the All Whites’ captain now, making Tottenham the most popular club in New Zealand right now, and the most likely to be turned on when ‘Arry plays international window injury funny business. To celebrate, and amuse NZ’s most popular spurs fans on Twitter @sportzfreak and @Chris_Brain, I got Ryan into some famous Spurs moments.

Update – there’s more on this transfer window genius at Sportsfreak, along with some really crappy Photo shop work.

The Black Caps’ win over Pakistan has catapulted us from tournament also rans to the tournament’s Toxic Avengers. Ross ‘Rose’ Taylor celebrated his birthday by spending 30 overs looking more lost than Tony Grieg at a ‘knowing what the fuck you’re going on about’ conference, before launching into the Pakistan attack like it was his laptop during a heavy ‘tweeting’ session, and celebrating in the traditional manner.

In fact, if we grasp at straws hard enough and link Taylor’s innings and Irish legend Kevin O’Brien’s knock against England, we can call this the ‘berserker’ tactic. The equivalent of rugby’s ’99′ call, berserker use in cricket is a huge opportunity, and we could see soon teams sending their 12th man sprinting on with a bat in each hand to threaten the fielding side, in a move sure to be labelled the ‘Bracewell’.

The berserker – the future of cricket, or Graeme Smith relaxing in his hotel post-match?

Of course, after Pakistan’s Akmal let a golden Taylor chance go gleefully between himself and first slip, before clearing up any lingering doubt about his suitability to be an international ‘keeper by dropping Taylor all by himself, Some People On The Internet claimed ‘match fixing’. sportreview.net.nz can exclusively reveal the only ‘fixing’ of the tournament so far occurred when the Black Caps played Zimbabwe and everyone had their bollocks chopped off.

But these are early days in this 18 month long tournament, and we’re yet to see a clear favorite emerge. England have been the entertainers so far, losing to Ireland, tying with India, and facilitating a South African choke. You know that when you’re among Englishmen behaving weirdly and South Africans choking, you’re not in a Brixton nightclub but a cricket world cup, team.

Predictions at this stage: Vettori to struggle on manfully despite losing one or more limbs in the Sri Lanka match; Kyle Mills to put his hand up for berserker role, claiming he’s been doing it for years already; England to default match against West Indies, missing the toss and circling the ground in a double decker bus instead while blasting the Benny Hill show theme; and sportreview.net.nz to start watching a cricket world cup match and managing to stay up past the tenth over, in the prediction least likely to occur. Of course, in other sporting news:

There’s something deeply, deeply compelling about seeing Tottenham’s winning goal at Milan complete with a GOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAL! complete with a commentator sounding as excited as if someone released a load of mousetraps into the commentary booth

Virals are hard. Exhibit A: The Warratah’s clever, real and most importantly, FUNNY summer skills video takes our pointless effort and runs to the tryline like it’s a World Cup semi. Ahem

If NFL teams wore football jerseys

If FUCKYEAHALEXFERGUSONGETTINGNARKYWITHTVINTERVIEWERS.tumblr.com existed, I’d probably end up watching it all day

So you take the ‘other’ North London team, stick them in the Champions League after a few (lasagne-induced. ahem) near misses, play Inter at the San Siro and they produce a fairly business as usual Tottenham result. You know, three nil down after quarter of an hour, man sent off, a breezy hat-trick and almost getting a result in the hardest match of the round. Typical.

Bale’s hat-trick was marvelous, he strolled through the aged Inter defence like Justin Beiber wowing ‘em at a New Zealand First rally. We’ll know we’re a proper Champions League team when the first thought isn’t ‘hope we can hang on to Gareth Bale’, but ‘fuck you, we’ve got Gareth Bale’.

Bloody good on us. We’ve played everyone now and we should be used to the air up here. We’re a respectable second in the group and the aim now is beating Inter at home and getting out of the group. And a cheeky Rooney bid in January.

We are fourth. It seems all those old Spurs records like never finishing top four, never beating Chelsea, never beating Arsenal, records that usually go “the last time Tottenham did X, Gary Linneker was playing…” are starting to tumble. Finally.

This run of nine wins in eleven games, including taking three points off Arsenal, Chelsea and Man City in the last month to seal fourth and the Champions League spot is totally unexpected. After 2006′s Lasagne, I thought  we’d never make it, and spend eternity battling Villa and Everton for sixth spot in a not-quite-good-enough Premier League purgatory, changing managers every  18 months in a sadistic, perpetual false-dawn cycle of rebuilding, then being shit.

And honestly, Harry Redknapp was not my ideal managerial candidate. A right Del-Boy wide boy that swooped for half a dozen eastern Europeans every time  the transfer window, before selling all his decent players to, well, us, I wasn’t holding out much hope. I was wrong, he has achieved more than any Tottenham manager in years, actually DOING SOMETHING IN THE LEAGUE is the true test of a club, not just nicking a League Cup every decade. I haven’t been as happy as a Tottenham fan as seeing us not just go one nil up, but keep on attacking City in the final minutes. That’s my Tottenham. This means a lot. I may have gone a bit mad on the Twitter.

It will be quite a summer, with a World Cup on, and Harry with a bulging checkbook. God only knows who we’ll get in, we have a very strong side, with Modric, Bale, Huddlestone and Dawson the stand outs for me. Maybe we could use one more big centre half, and one striker of true international class. And some shirts that haven’t been vomited on. Anyway – come on you Spurs.

Shamefully, I texted a colleague today to acertain if the office Gooner was hurting more, less, or the same as when they lost to Barcelona. Every Tottenham fan gets funnier on days we beat Arsenal.

As Fergie says, it’s squeaky bum time, and even though our own squeaky bum involves finishing fourth, not first, I’ll take the win, especially if it’s kicked off with a strike like this. Not bad for Rose’s first premiership start.

VIDEO: The embedded goal video keeps getting taken down – you’re going to have to go search youtube yourself.

Because Spurs Are On Their Way To Wembley, we feature Super Tottenham’s greatest musical moments eva.

Ossie’s Dream features a bewildered Argentinian trying to say Tottenham and failing at 1’55″

Glen n Chris channel Crockett n Tubbs. Badly.

Paul Gasgoine puts on the world’s dodgiest shell suit, rides about on a boat and winds up in the Bigg Market. All to sing a truely appalling song. These guys must be gutted.

Bonus – Gazza gives the best post match interview ever, not long after he did this.

Get up early to see this one – had sportreview jr with me for the second half.

Everton 0 – Tottenham 2

Everton 2 Tottenham 2, Defoe misses penalty in 94th minute

Can’t let this morning’s league table go by without a mention; following Saturday’s surprisingly comfortable win over Liverpool, Spurs beat Hull 5-1 this morning to go top of the table.

Not getting too carried away at this stage, putting away mid table battlers is just what professional sides do (as I emailed my Liverpool fan friend this morning), but we’re looking good. Ledley’s not injured yet, Defoe’s in hot form and Palacios may be the midfield enforcer we’ve needed since about 1985.

In other news, ESPN’s Bill Simmons is claiming credit for the early season form – read his typically thorough post on choosing Tottenham. Bill famously supports the Boston Red Sox, another team who torture their fans by over promising and under delivering on the glory. Let’s hope the Sox’s recent World Series win is a good omen for Spurs.

Super Tottenham Hotspur is the preferred Premiership team here at sportreview, embracing style, passing, and fun.

A lot rests on Harry Redknapp, now he has a whole season to himself to play with. At least he’s got a bit of fight.

I’m still waiting for this year’s big ‘all you other teams can go get fucked’ signing, like a Jurgen Klinsmann. I loved him. Peter Crouch is a better footballer than most tall blokes, but he’d better cut this shit out.

As usual, as long as we can do Arsenal, we’ll probably be happy. It’s fun, and its great.