NEWSDESK: All Black selectors confirmed they were “pretty wasted” when selecting the team to face Tonga. Forwards coach Steve Hansen told a packed press conference: “We had a few selection headaches, so Smithy brought a box of Woody’s. It all kicked on from there.”

A lightly kebab-stained team sheet revealed the surprise combination of Sonny Bill Williams and Ma’a Nonu, and the inclusion of Isaia Toeava. “I was as surprised as anyone to see Kahui on the wing. Lucky Kronic has been banned, it could have been Mils at centre!” said Hansen.

“We looked at the whole squad, their form, the combinations… then we got fucko. One minute we’re discussing Conrad’s defence vs Sonny Bill’s offload, next thing I’m arguing with a bouncer about the club shutting at 5am. I wasn’t even up for a biggy!” said head coach Graham Henry. When asked if rotating the squad at this stage was dooming the team to repeat the mistakes of 2007′s early exit, a clearly tired and emotional Henry replied “Fight you,” before falling asleep awkwardly on his microphone.

From the Guardian’s ‘Joy of six – dinks lobs and chips‘ feature – Panenka’s European Championship winning penalty.

I mean, you can get Bill and Ben to wear pretty much any shonky team‘s shirt – but now the Beige Brigade have taken telly endorsements to the next level – it’s only a fucking Wiggle:

NEWSDESK: The NZRFU announced today the re-appointment of the Graham Henry-led coaching regime until 2037. “We’ve often been accused of throwing the baby out with the bathwater when it comes to All Black coaching panels. This time we’re going to have the wee fella living with Mum and Dad until he’s old enough to rifle the liquor cabinet” said NZRFU CEO Steve Tew, before denying he was really, really high.

“I’m very pleased” said Henry, rubbing the leather elbow patches on his blazer, adding “This will give the players, and any of their kids interested in playing Rugby, real certainty”.

The All Black marketing machine has already swung into action, announcing a line of Wayne Smith driving gloves, Steve Hanson TV dinner trays and Ted’s Big Book Of Sudoku. A potential tie in with Werther’s Orignals is in the pipeline.

Radio Sport reported a 83% ratings drop-off around the time of the announcement as the majority of their listenership spontaneously combusted as one. South African media are reporting the re-appointment of Peter De Villliers until 2044 in a flanking manoeuvre.

sportreview.net.nz fully endorses and approves of swearing. So does this guy. Here he is golfing. I think I’ve found a new hero.

Bond girls exposed.

These Beez guys have either discovered a new paradigm shift in the skateboard arena with their blue sky thinking – or they’re just really really high.

Can someone clean that shit away, please?

SRPA: In a bold reverse psychology gambit, John Bracewell has been putting the Black Caps through their batting slump paces this week. “What the hey, we’ve been practising actual batting and that for months, and it’s done us no bloody good at all.” said Bracewell. The second test at Old Trafford saw New Zealand reel from 85/3 to 114 all out. “If the guys get some solid utter humiliation under their belts at training, that will definitely translate to runs in the middle.” said Bracewell, involuntarily punching himself hard in the leg.

Team Psychologist Alexander Cranishake explains the four stages of the battling collapse methodology: “First step is ‘false dawn’, or getting away to a good start – you don’t want to blow out too soon so the crowd can get away and achieve something with the rest of their day. Second stage is the ‘tipping point’, where we lose both openers, and possibly three and four very, very quickly. We’re missing Flem now, so we’re obviously short of experience in this area. Third stage is the ‘domino’, where guys get out to shots Dennis Lillee wouldn’t play in beach cricket. Fourth stage is ‘slow death’, with Chris Martin sticking around for fifteen overs for three runs. The team’s also practising microskills like ruefully shaking their heads, slowly walking to the pavilion, airshots of what they ‘meant’ to play, and throwing their box at the parking attendant”.

In a hastily arranged practise match against a Plummywell 2nd XI, the Black Caps failed to carry out the game plan, reaching 438/2 in the first innings. After a stern talking to, the team were all out for 92 in the second. Brendon McCullum chimed in with a useful 2. “The guys displayed some real application out there. They almost got away to a formidable total, but pegged it back nicely to a rout.” said Bracewell. “Woah. Braces must be really, really high.” said captain Daniel Vettori.

In other news, Daniel Flynn was a notable absentee from ‘getting smacked hard in the face with cricket balls’ sessions this week.