A Crusaders fan with no interest in Cricket on the Bangladesh series

“…and then Toddy said to me ‘OK mate, I’ve signed your arm, now get out of my bathroom…

“What’s that mate? Bangladesh? Yep, it’s a strip club, we were headed there for Dirk’s stag, but I got into a fight in KFC and spent the night in a cell. Nicked all their bog roll, though.

“What? Cricket? Bangladesh? It’s a country? Key the Falcon, never heard of it. They any good? Useless? Yip. If the Black Caps can beat em they must be as handy as four Swiss army knives in your arse.

“I’ll tell you the problem with Cricket – Cricketers are farkin soft. You’re meant to spend summer in The Sounds drinking piss with a broken arm, not getting grass stains out of your trousers. I bet those Cricket shit heels haven’t even been on a Jet-Ski.

“I mean the AUSSIES are good at Cricket. Aussies. We gave them Robbie Farkin Deans and they can’t even get a decent Rugby team together. That’s about as wrong as taking your missus to the trots. We could sort the Black Caps out with Robbie, a bottle of Coruba and a locked room.

“Have I watched any of the games? I’d rather try and shave my back. Julie Seymour could be wandering around in her undies at fine leg, and I’d only flick over during the ads.

“We done? Good.

“…anyway, I farkin wish I hadn’t drawn Stephen Brett on me Drizabone in Vivid…”

Crusaders fan with no interest in Cricket talks you through the Black Caps’ Bangladesh series

…so Yoda pulled up in his Ford and says “What the bloody hell are you doing in my wheelie bin?”…

What’s that mate? Cricket? Shiiiiiiiiiit. Cricket’s about as interesting as shopping, I reckon. Shopping that’s not at Bunnings.

How are we going, anyway? We lost to Bangladesh? Doesn’t surprise me. Bloody¬† Black Caps. They’ve got more losers than the Graham farkin’ Henry fan club AGM.

We won the next one? Doesn’t surprise me. You can turn bad form around pretty farkin’ easily when you want to. Reminds me of Smelly Dave’s 21st. He was spewing when we called compulsory six wine skulls, one for each toe on his left foot. He did them alright, but had to go sit quietly in the laundry for a while. Fair enough, it was 8.30am. Still did a 3.19 for the yard, pretty fair effort, that.

Last one’s tonight? We’ll lose. There’s no mongrel. They need mongrel. And Robbie Deans. Robbie’d have that pack of pretty boys performing before you could say “SORRY I BURNED THE TOAST, PREFECT MERTHENS, NOT THE STRAP, NOT THE STRAP!” Ah ha. Yeah.

I might watch the match, but fark, if something else comes up, like a case of Canterbury Draught in the driveway with the dog, forget it. We done? Good.

…so yeah, I don’t reckon the Wallabies’ white bra-stripe is that bad, actually…


A Crusaders fan with no interest whatsoever in Cricket previews the Cricket World Cup

The World Cup? Mate, well hopefully we’ll get a big fright against the Boks in the Semi, just to keep the boys focused, then clean up the Froggies in the final. That’ll farkin learn them for ’99… Eh?

Cricket? Hoo-farkin-ray. I know as much about Cricket as Fatty Walters knew about his 21st after we spiked his yardie with Pepe Lopez. That’s not a farkin lot, mate, I’ll tell ya. While you’re here, how come we have to put up with Ian Smith doing rugby? He might be built like a prop running a bakery but he knows as much about Rugby as my dog. Less, I reckon. Mate, tell you what, you guys can have Mex, that’s fair as.

Mate, I know one thing. The Black Caps are Farkin. Useless. They always fark it up. Back at school we’d gave the cricketers a hiding in the boat races. They’re worse than Poofballers, mate. Or Ali Williams. I’d only watch cricket if the 2004 Super 12 final was on the Rugby Channel, the dog was at the vet and the missus was home. I’d rather KNIT.

Is that a programme? Gis a look at the team… Jesus. Fleming? That guy is a farkin liability, I’ve NEVER seen him score ANY runs, and he still gets in the team, mate. Unbelievable. A bloody Aucklander in a Cantab’s body.

Taylor? McCullum? Never heard of them. Vettori? Sounds like a poofball player. Bloody looks like one too. What happened to Rod Latham? They should get him back. And Lee Germon. Mate.

Hang on. Kenya? Ireland? Farkin Bermuda? Jesus, look at the guts on that guy – six weeks chopping piss in the West Indies, it’s gunna be Farkin. Massive. Growing the game? Growing Bermudan bellies more like. Heh.

Anyway, the Black Caps need someone like Robbie Deans, mate. He’d be farkin ace, he’s won like 8 Super 12’s, and those bloody Aucklanders won’t let him have the ABs. That’s it – Deans and Marshall, get Justin in the team, we’d win this bloody World Cup. Not that I’D give a shit, mate. Are we done?

…and then Richie said to me “Get out of my way, you pillock”. Happiest day of my life, mate.